How can I look more appealing??depressed kat

[kat in the delta]

I feel plain UNATTRACTIVE !!!! One breast gone, big port poking out on other side, shorter hair.....husband looks at me with this terrible disgusting look. I am 5'3''have always exercised, but now a little too thin at 100lbs which i don't mind because I can always go UP! What can I do to get his attention ladies????or men, You'd know !!! I need some HELP in this area..... How in the world can I look a little bit sexy??? --kat in the delta

[Unregistered]

If your husband thought you were sexy before Cancer it should not make any difference how you look right now. Nobody asks to get Cancer. Just put on a happy face and tell him to kiss your Royal behind. LOL

[Tom]

Dear Kat,

Close the kitchen. After a month's worth of Swanson TV dinners and boiled hot dogs, many men get interested in their wives very quickly from what I've seen and heard from friends. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I suspect an empty stomach will bring him around even faster. If that doesn't work, try a male escort service. Having hubby find a Richard Gere type with washboard abs leaving his driveway as he gets home from work would certainly give me pause. Let us know what happens.

Tom

[Unregistered]

Way to go Tom

[geraldine]

Hi Kat, like you I have one breast removed and feel a bit..no, a lot, lopsided...!!
Being divorced and single when this happened to me, caused me more problems than i would have thought...!
I was a very outgoing person, full of fun, loved life and was very confident.
After my diagnosis, mastectomy and discovering, i couldn't have a reconstruction, I found myself unable to get into a relationship. I am not a youngster (54) but I still have feelings. I went out with a really nice guy (dinner, theatre etc) but found myself facing this brick wall that I had built up around myself, and could not get over it
My friend was very patient with me but in the end it was me who ended the relationship.
To let you know how this affects me.... i.e.
When I come out of the shower and see myself in the mirror, I cringe. How then can I get into a relationship, cos I think that whoever sees me like this, will feel the same..
I know this has left me with some personal problems and I try to deal with them, but it is hard.
My mastectomy was Aug 2001. I have been told, because my secondary was on my chest wall 2003, my surgeon would not be happy doing the reconstruction..
How do I feel about it.......... If they dont do the reconstruction then I would rather have my right breasr removed also !!!!!!
I realy feel, losing the other boob would make me feel more balanced and sane. Every time I see my one and only boob in the mirror, it reminds me of my Cancer and how deformed I now am
I am sorry for going on, just feeling a bit down and no better way to express yourself than this forum
God Bless
Geraldine x

[Cathya]

Kat;

You are what you feel!! So, if you feel sexy and interested in your husband he WILL get the message, HOWEVER, if, after all you have been through you are exhausted, feeling uninterested in sex, you will project that too! And perhaps you are feeling angry...I'm not saying towards him....but gee....cancer CAN make one pissed off.....then you might be projecting that as well. Also, he could be feeling angry too...not at you but at the fates that dealt you both this horrible disease NOW. Kat, you must be realistic....you know that answers to your question. Think about it.....and relax. God bless.

Cathy

[tousled1]

I can't be to much help to you since I don't have a "significant other." I've had to go through this alone. My daughter was some help but not the type I needed. I wanted a shoulder to cry on, someone to just give me a great big hug, and especially someone to curl up with at night. I had broken off a long term relationship about 2 years ago.

Thank God I have my grandson! He's only 5 but he understands in a 5 year old way what I've been going through. Everyday he gives me the hugs and kisses that I want. After my surgery he was ever so gentle in hugging me.

Now that I have no breasts I feel like no man would even want to look at me. I must admit it's not a very pretty site. I have no regrets about the bilateral mastectomy since I really didn't want to be lopsided -- especially when I was a D cup. I think I look better with no breasts than just one. I may consider reconstruction sometime down the road but who knows.

I try and maintain a positive attitude and I find that way people around me are also more positive.

[Unregistered]

I agree with Cathy "you are what you feel" and I look in the mirror and see Battle scars and know my husband could have never done this. BUT in defense of your husband (as with my husband) what I thought was disgust was him being cautious and patient because he was not always sure how I was feeling. They do need to be told what we want, most men cannot guess what is going on with us like our girlfriends do.

[astrid]

Sex is a head game. Like others have said, if you feel sexy you are sexy. Try to get your head right and believe me your husband will be there with you. Think about what makes you feel sexy. Is it visual, it is romance, is it dominance or submission? If it’s visual, find a sexy movie and watch it together in lingerie. If its romance, start a bath with candles (can you take a bath yet?) and invite your husband to join you. If its dominance, seduce your husband. Of course if its submission, tell him what you want him to do. When I first got married I was 92 pounds and my husband thought I was sexy. We have been together for 25 years now and our sex has always been great. We are inventive still. We have had great sex since I was diagnosed. I think the cancer diagnosis has made us closer. We have reevaluated how much we really love each other. I know you love your husband or you would not be worried about how sexy you are. Focus on that and the rest will come. If you need a break right now, that is understandable also. This is a time we can be selfish. No one really knows what we are going through. We are all individual with our own fears. My husband was scared of hurting me at first after surgery. The doctor told him not to shake me, so our first attempts at sex were a disaster. Be patient, if you had good sex before cancer, you will have good sex again.

[Sherryg683]

Go to a Tatoo parlor, someones bound to find you attractive there..lol. Not making light of the situation BUT...The other day my son decided he wanted his ear pierced but needed me to go along to give permission. We went into this wild ass tatoo place where everyone looked freaky. I was dressed in my jeans, tank top and doo rag. I started chatting with the owner who was an older "biker" looking tatooed guy. When it came time for my son to get the consent form signed he told the owner "this is my mom". The owner said "and a HOT little momma she is". I didn't think I had heard him right until my son started picking on me about it later that the "tatoo man was hitting on his mom". I told him "Cory, I am bald that man couldn't be interested in me", my son said "Mom, you'd look perfect on the back of his Harley in that doo rag"...I laughed my butt off and have still been ragging my husband that if he doesn't want me I know a successful business owner (although tatooed) that thinks I'm hot. Also, the guy who works on our pool said he thought bald women were totally hot..lol...he's bald too. Luckily (or unluckily) my hubby is so sex obsessed that he's always interested no matter how I look. I swear that if I die, when I'm in my coffin he's going to tell the funeral director he needs 5 minutes with me alone..lol..sherryg683

[sarah]

Dear Kat,
I agree with many of the other responses that your feelings are due to your low self image. You have to start to think of yourself as special, sexy and beautiful and then that will project to others. You're suffering depression (totally normal) and you have to find a way to get back into life in a positive meaningful way for you.
I doubt very much that your husband is looking at you the way you think. I think sometimes our loved ones are just freaked out by the whole thing, afraid we'll die and confused as to what to do or say for fear of upsetting us and most of us definitely go through mood swings that are hard to handle particularly if we've always been "sweet" natured! Men (and women sometimes) steel themselves against showing too much emotion. Maybe try asking him for a hug. Buy a nice lacy black night dress.
Also think about getting an animal - dogs are very affectionate and couldn't care less how you look! they just worship you the way you are! and then you can take it for walks and get out and meet people, etc. Join a club. do something outside the house. Go to the cosmetic dept and get a make-up make-over.
Reading is another great way to get outside of yourself and funny movies.
So the order of the day is realize how brave and beautiful you are and look in the mirror and say that until you believe it!
good luck, you'll get through this bad patch.
sarah
PS otherwise, check out that tattoo guy!

[MCS]

Dear Kat,


It sounds as if you are really struggling with self image. I just responded to another threat of yours.

Yes. It's tough. Not only are we sick, everyone "sees" we are sick becasue we lose our hair, our face colour is pale, we are tired, worried, we cannot plan on a lot of things in the future, there are tons of bills from every doctor on the planet, there's a lwyas a test to get results that we might not like to hear, there's diet issues, vitamins, medications. We take two steps back and one forward only, always in a mid rut. I lost my job, which for me was a lot of self esteem. You lose friends and others are scared to talk to you.

I hear ya very well.

Sex?! Well, it's just about gone for us, mostly because of my self image. I can't simply relax and feel good on how I look. We are trying to be patient on this. Maybe once i feel a little better about myself, it will come back to normal-hope not loo late for the relationship. I used to get dressed nicely every day for work, now I just have the same pair of jeans and shirt to hang out and can't give myself the excuse to buy anything and certain low neck tops just don't look right either.

Also, this also hits an age where ourselves and our marriage may be changing even without the cancer and that itself would cause the same issues. Dealing with menopause, our bodies are dragging down, teenages at home, emptynesters. It's lots of stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try other things: go to a movie, got to a local inexpensive restaurant you like, plan on some change at home, like garden, carpet, etc.; have a glass of wine at night, plan a short weekend get away. Search web for some news that would be interesting. Maybe he's scared out of his mind also. I would not suggest trying to talk about it. Sorry to the men on the site BUT men don't talk!

Be happy with what you have accomplished Kat. It's a lot. Pat yourself on the back.

XO

MCS (maria)

[kat in the delta]

Tom,
I loved your advice, and may do just that. Tell me more. I love hearing from a man's point of view!! You want to go to Paris with me ??? I have a free place, but no free flight?!!
kat in the delta

[Patty H]

I think the cancer really changed me. They took my hair and breast! So I went out and bought big ear rings and 2 wigs. Even now that my hair has grown back, I never leave the house without make up and my ear rings. I was never that type before, but I work hard at not looking sick. I have more clothes now then when I worked and needed them. If I wake up and feel like I have nothing to wear, I go shopping. I always tell my hubby that I'm not leaving our money for his new wife. (just kidding ) I think looking death in the eyes made me decide to do what I want now. To look healthy and alive makes me feel that way too.
Patty H

[al from Canada]

Kat,

Everyone has said it all...especially the part about feeling sexy = attracting sexy husbands. That said, it is also well documented that in most cases, BC will change your sex life.

Here's food for thought, from a male perspective. Remember when you fell in love and everything was a rush? There was so much "ka-bam" back then that I doubt if he would have noticed a missing breast... I know I wouldn't have. You were sexy, not only because you felt sexy (I'm trying to be polite here but think of synonyms for sexy) but also because you were given the permissions to feel that way. Get the ball (yikes) rolling, and get buy-in to go to the next level, which isn't hard to do, (yikes again).

Again, not to be condescending to my male brothers but when you stip away all the layres, walls and posturing; create the setting and his brains will drop down to below his belly button.

How's that for a tactful reply?
Al

[mamacze]

Hi Kat!
I agree with Astrid, sex is a head game. Decide in your head how you want it to be; then get that sexy black night gown ... and do what your head tells you will be fun. You'll find that once you get started your heart will follow and before you know it, you will be feeling like your old self. Sometimes it is that getting started part that is tough. But look at you; gutsy enough to discuss it with us; going after your hubby should be a cinch! (especially with a name like "Kat"!)
love Kim from CT

[Tom]

Dear Kat,

I think that if I didn't have Mom to take care of, I might just take you up on your generous offer. Although the idea of your husband driving us to the airport makes me a littlw squirrely about the plan...lol.

Seriously, I hope things are working out for you and that others are feeling a bit more "frisky" after some consideration of your feelings.

I'm sure that these things are difficult for all involved. I always suggest that they try to imagine themselves in the same situation. It's not easy to visualize, but it can be done. That usually prompts more thoughtfulness on everyone's part.

At any rate, I'm glad you have a place to flop if you're in Paris. Must be nice to know if things don't work out at home...lol

Je te souhaite tout meilleur avec votre sante !

Sincerement,
Tom

[kat in the delta]

Merci beaucoup, Tom!!! ET Toute les monde pour les repondes. Ta Amie, Kat in the delta

[jag]

I F After All You Been Through Your Husband Makes You Feel Unattractive Then He Doesnt Deserve You... To Me Love Is From The Heart...i Would Be Thanking God That I Still Had My Wife After All You And All These Ladies Go Through....and I Would Being Doing All I Could To Help Her.....like Tom I Search Every Day To Find Things To Help My Mom Stay Well....happy....and With Me For Hopefully Many Years To Come.....you Are A Fighter....a Survivour....and Someone Who Should Hold Your Head High....

[Ginagce]

Great answers from the men don't you think? Right on!

I'm a mess right now after bilaterals, chemo, herceptin, arimidex, back surgery, etc. etc. you know the rest.

But you know what, I can feel as sexy as I did before all this crap happened by simply pulling my hair up and putting on a pair of fun earrings!

I know this is a truly superficial response but you know what, sometimes cancer calls for some superficial thinking just to get you through!

I prefer the dangly kind myself! In silver!

Best to you Kat, you are a beautiful woman, we all are!

ginagce

[Ginagce]

And as for your husband, sounds like he doesn't deserve to gaze on your survivor beauty!

[marymary]

Dear Kat:

I know exactly what you're talking about from first-hand experience. I always loved my long, thick hair and always played around with the color; to become bald in a matter of weeks was dispiriting, to say the least. And to think that that was the least of my problems! I immediately invested in the Jennifer, a long auburn wig that made me look about 25, at least I thought so. The problem was, when my hair started growing back I felt sort of like a fraud or a strumpet or something still donning the Jennifer. Also, in summertime the Jennifer tended to be hot, and I mean that in the literal sense, not figuratively speaking. To add insult to injury, when my hair first came in I very closely resembled a French Poodle. Round face surrounded with tight curly little frizzy fried sausages. It wasn't a good look. Finally I took the upper hand and got a good haircut. Things improved hairwise from then on. Sometimes the new growth just needs to be severly pruned. I don't know, maybe your hair is stick straight! Sometimes adding a fun color can lift your spirits. You could always try a temporary color to start with, although temporary dyes aren't good at covering gray.

You know what, I did get lucky and scored a trip to Munich & Paris and that was a great distraction! So maybe you do need to go to the City of Love. Travel is always so life affirming if there's any way you can manage it. I actually ended up travelling to Turkey for 2 and a half months with a dear friend I made at a b/c support group. I am so very happy to have had that experience of a lifetime. We travelled all over the country including eastern Turkey, which is about a four hours walk from Iraq. I figured I was more likely to die from cancer than any perils of travel.

I guess my advice is to just become the woman you have always wanted to be. Cancer is not, in my opinion, a blessing, however, it may embolden you to do things that in the past you would never have even conceived of. Now that's sexy, don't you think?

Also, when I got back from Paris I had reconstructive surgery, a latissimus dorsus, to be exact. Plus I got an implant on the other side.

Well, I didn't mean for this to be a novel. I could go on and on, but I want to go curl up with a novel.

You're right, though, our sexuality takes a huge hit with this disease. This may be the time to pull out all the stops and go for it. Why just this week I put on my makeup, my new pair of white linen pants topped with a pink t-shirt with red lettering and robbins egg blue stillettos and sort of floated into the infusion center. Of course most of the time I schlep around in jeans and tee shirts because life in the suburbs isn't all that glamorous. Sometimes a girl just has to feel special.

Good luck, or should I say bon chance!

Mary

[MJo]

Dear Kat..l.

People keep telling me how good I look. Possibly they mean, "you don't look like you are a dying cancer victims." However, after a few irritated days, I decided to take their words literally. I look beautiful.

I was bald with no lashes or eyebrows. I'm chubby. Maybe even fat. I gained enough weight that all my clothes are tight.

I now have hair on my head but it's not my dyed dark brown color. It's salt and pepper. My eyelashes and brows are coming back. I am still chubby.

I am very beautiful. I bet you are beautiful too. I've seen the pictures of the women on this board, and we are a great looking bunch.

I hope your husband matures. I think he needs to learn about what is really important. This is his problem, not yours.

I hope you will take good care of yourself, do all the things you like to do and appreciate your beautiful self. Love and support to you, Mary Jo

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for all the help and advice---keep them rolling-----------------
You can't beiieve how MUCH it helps me!!! and tom, who said anything about my husband driving us to the airport??!!
I don't think he would even care !! Sherryg68, ask your husband what I should do? your ending statement was so funny.!!.My middle son, interning at a local law firm,just told me to join this nice country club,,,, afterall, I have sacrifice for my Husband's 3 hunting clubs. and Al, can you design that setting. As for dogs,its true, they do love me & are always happy to see me,but I have 4 dogs!! thanks to my sons, the oldest finance director who now complains about the way my house looks because of them.
All my life I have done things for my husband and boys and others. All have nice new cars, while I have a '94 with just 50,000 miles registered.
Well, I do think its time for me to Hit the Road,maybe call an old male friend--who has been married several x's, but filthy rich, good-looking & fun. Or the guy in Nashville,recently divorced and nice-looking, who wants my youngest son and ME to come to his studio and make a CD(my 22yr old cannot read,nor write music, but has composed over a doz.classical piano pieces,2-10 min. long- in a 2 yr. period--thank God !!)
Or buy some clothes for this weekend's HS reunion of passed cheerleaders and football players. I feel so bad about myself that I wasn't even going.....but.. even if my husband doesn't go, I probably need to make an appearance...or perhaps travel.
WHAT DO ANY OF YOU THINK ???
I may schedule that flight to Paris after my last treatment at the end of July. kat in the delta

[Cathya]

Kat;

I say go for whatever makes you happy!! The worst thing in the world in my opinion is to wake up at 70 (good god I pray that happens) and look back on life with regrets. Go for it....enjoy and we will be happy for you....we are your community and behind you all the way.

Cathy

[margaret]

I only have one breast and have been out in the dating world for the past 3 years since I left my husband. I have found men to be very accepting. I know that I am a very loving and affectionate person with or without a left breast. Attitude is so important. If I'm concentrating on how I can show my love to them and how to express my caring to them, then I'm not so concerned on what they're thinking about me. When I'm expressing genuine love for them, they feel that and are loving and generous in return. So it's kind of like ' give and you shall receive'. Kindness, smiles and expressing love are extremely attractive.
I'm 43 and I don't plan on having any reconstruction. I'm proud of my battle wounds. Just like I'm proud of the scar from my c-sections that allowed me to give birth to 2 beautiful children. My mastectomy scar shows that I am a woman of courage who has fought a battle with a life threatening disease and I have learned so much from the process. I hold my head high and know that I am lovable and acceptable exactly how I am. I also like to share with people that I had to lose my left breast so that I was able to open my heart more fully. I was too afraid and shut down in my life before cancer to really express my strong loving heart to others. Now I'm not afraid. No one can hurt me more than I hurt myself by shutting down and hiding my heart. Now I'm ready to take risks. live life fully and express my love as best I can.....
Go for it!
Margaret

[marymary]

Yes, Kat, you should definitly celebrate your life by travelling to Paris when you are out of treatment. That's my vote, anyway. Go with a girlfriend. I love travelling with women. There's always someone to talk to! You have a partner in crime for those hours of window shopping. Women tolerate museums better than men, well better at least than my husband would. Sounds like you speak French, at least a little. The French are pretty accomodating if you at least try to remember your HS/college French!

What about your husband, though? Has he changed, or have you? Was he acting distant before your diagnosis or is this a bona fide change in behavior that is probably related to your illness? Sometimes men are downright unfathonable, excepting our darling Tom and Al, of course. For one thing, men, especially the older models, have a difficult to impossible time expressing what they're feeling (if they even know). I guess this is not exactly a news flash. Somehow I always think things will change in that department. I imagine, no fantasize, that after living with me all these years some of me will have magically rubbed off on my husband. Suddendly he will feel compelled to turn off the television and enjoy hours of heart to heart conversation. Perhaps while massaging my feet? HA, Ha, ha, ha.

All I know for sure is that me getting breast cancer, especially metastatic- HER 2neu-always in your face-turning up in my brain kind of cancer, really turned my family upside down. It is an issue every single day and I'd be lying to say otherwise. Every single day I think about dying. Every single day my husband is sick of hearing about the subject. He only recently admitted that he thinks about losing me every single day. Yeah and I know better than anybody the "we're all dying" reasoning but baby I'm on the fast track. And nobody, not even my husband, knows exactly what that feels like.

This may be a good time to see a councillor (sp?). It can be very beneficial to be locked in a room with your significant other without a television set, a ringing phone, a dog or 4, and with a trained, impartial advisor.

I don't know enough about your situation to say. It does seem certain, however, that the days of putting everybody else's needs before your own are over. That's a lesson that I have to relearn every day, including this one. Maybe we women are all alike as well.

You are a pistol, Kat, and I am sure enjoying hearing your story unfold.

Love,

Mary
in Marin

[Sheila]

Kat

I think we all have felt this way at one time or another....just wanted to let you know that yesterday when I was getting on my swimsuit, my 5 year old grandaughter walked in...she looked at me, looked to the floor, looked at me, looked down, then proceeded to get down on her hands and knees....I asked her what she was doing and she said" I am looking for your nipple grandma, it fell off, didn't you notice?" It must be somewhere! I laughed until I cried.....she didn't see grandma as abnormal, she just thought I dropped something!

[Mary Anne in TX]

HI Girl!
I find that my self esteem grows in leaps and bounds when I have my needed quota of girlfriend time! Go to lunch with them and have some fun. Don't talk cancer much. Fill them in on the new stuff and then play. Their acceptance and love will lift you up and allow you to use that wonderful problem solver within you to decide how to deal with your husband.
My husband had trouble for a while too. I found that taking responsibility for lifting myself up was the key!
I bought about 10 or 12 of those cheap tank like tops with skinny straps, put in one of those cotton like pads to pretend I wasn't lopsided, got some cute jeans, drew on eyebrows, and dolled up a bit and out I went! I will admit that I "got cute" and went on a few practice runs, just talking to gals in the stores to lift me to the point of going out with my girlfriends! It has made all the difference!
It's hard for the guys. They don't like it. They don't know what to think or do often. And they take their keys from us! Even sick, we are the thermastat in our family's life!
You can do it! Take a step today!
Best wishes!

[juanita]

I'd thought I was looking pretty good other than the weight that I have gained. No masectomy though, so I didn't have that to bring me down. Sometimes I'd wear makeup, but a lot of times I didn't. And my hair has been pretty much unmanageable since it came back after chemo, but now I've got it tamed. Anyway, I've been doing my hair and putting on makeup and everybody has been telling me I look so pretty and so healthy with the makeup on and my hair done. So now I wonder, what did I look like before? Did I look that bad? I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all have different ideas of what looks good. Don't let what anybody says bring you down.

[kat in the delta]

I still feel like my husband and I are growing furthur apart. He gets angry when I am late getting ready for anything.....I try very hard.....I spent a whole day to get ready to go to hear our son play piano at this nice new Hotel an hour away...I was ready, but he was still negative toward me. HE stays on the computer for hours(4-6)at a time and all night til he turns out HIS bedroom light----He goes to bed early because he has to be there before 7am---and he sleeps with his dog instead of me !! He leaves his mess in kitchen and lights all on for me to clean up and turn off....I'm NOT THAT bad-looking,aside from the shorter hair, a little thinner, 1 breast, BUT I still keep in shape, was a cheerleader in days of old... My past boyfriends have all been successful as attorneys, bank presidents, or filthy rich,etc....HELP HELP HELP---TOM?? any men with more suggestions...I think he may be jealous because I can't get this house organized and I am not working at a job........
MEN, HER2 friends , you are all I have to talk to.....any more suggestions. He makes me feel UGLY..kat in the delta

[kat in the delta]

Margaret,
Did your husband and you separate after Breast Cancer ??kat
What can I do to prevent this ?? I Didn't go to France as the cost went up(for 2), and my middle son started working for the best law firm here for the summer...He and I may go during his Thanksgiving or Christmas break--He has 1 more yr of Law School. kat in the delta

[kat in the delta]

Not any girls here to talk to.....kat

[kat in the delta]

Well...I stopped cooking and he just brings home what HE wants to eat, never asking me if he can get me something.-so, NOT cooking has no effect......I don't think I am into calling an escort deal....but I could call some nice looking guys...the trouble is....I think HE would NOT get jealous at all, but he Would think of it as My being Sexy.......HOW do you men think, anyway ?? I could call and go and spend the weekend and he wouldn't care as much as I would......I guess I was brainwashed by the nuns in 1st-8th grades....MORALS ???Should I call someone?? I know a couple of single guys my age or a few yrs older. kat in the delta

[KathyA]

Hi kat. I too was raised and taught by the nuns. I understand your delima. Things sound really unbearable. My heart goes out to you. My first time around with bc my husband asked for a seperation. My reply , "couldn't you wait until I was finished Chemo to spring this on me." He waited. I felt like I should have said OK. The long and short of it was I went for therapy - to see what was happening - how to deal with everything - find out how I feel - what I want - what is best for me. It is best thing I ever did for myself. Find someone you can talk to easily and someone who listens carefully hearing what you say and not what they think. I am very fortunate to have found someone who is able to do this. Things will work out for the best. And that part the nuns said about praying it does help.

Sending warm thoughts, hugs and prayers

Kathy A

[CLTann]

For a long while, I have been writing for my wife Ann because I can read the medicl journals better than her, although she is a pharmacist. The current subject is very personal but deserves an open airing from both partners' viewpoints.

I truly love my wife Ann and always accompanied her to all medical appts. I took responsibility in deciding for her to have mastectomy. Therefore, our devotion to each other never had changed, regardless the physical scar that is so obvious to us both. Our relationship in bedroom continues the same. She still huddles in my arms every night.

The important element is the true love and care, which will transcend any handicaps whether physical or emotional.

Of course, no one ever wants to go through the tough journey most of the women in this room have been through. Since the decision of how to tackle the problem was made by both of us, we must face all problems together as a team.

Ann (her husband).

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for being here----I need every single one of you now. I didn't fly off to France, I did not go to the reunion of HS football players and cheerleaders. kat in the delta
Our town is the HOme of the Blues and rightfully so..... We are having the Sunflower Blues Fest. all next weekend. We are located south of Memphis, TN. People will come from all over the world for this Fest. Morgan Freeman owns 2 restaurants here, and lives nearby. I will forward the site privately if anyone wants it. kat

[Tom]

Dearest Kat,

I hear Home depot has ready-built dog houses for "large dogs" on sale right now. Might be time you got hubby one for the yard, and put his blanket in it. You take your canine inside for yourself. Leave hubby a bowl to put his take-out or TV dinners in so the ants don't get it.

I'm not sure I know what to tell you at this point. The trip to France would be great to go on with your son. It would be a good experience for both of you, since he seems to be the man in your life right now. Congratulations on raising such a fine son. Sounds as if he's smart like his Mother.

I suppose you might offer marriage counseling and see if he's interested, but it doesn't sound that way. I can't help but wonder if your illness didn't uncover some underlying problem he has had for some time. It just isn't the response one would expect from a "soulmate". You know what they say: if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

I'm certainly no psychlogist, but I don't think you should have to shame him into being a good husband, or try to make him jealous. This nonsense has gone on long enough. If he doesn't give you what you need and deserve, maybe it's time to move on. I don't mean that you should have an affair, as that only hurts YOU emotionally. But perhaps you need to fill up your voids with personal activities. No knitting clubs please, and ceramics is so 70's...lol. Check with your girlfriends and see what they do to amuse themselves. I've heard some pretty wild stories about trips to the supermarket produce section...http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/0201e05faa/15

Seriously though Kat, you need to find something that can improve the quality of your life. You can't spend half your time worrying about your disease, and the rest worrying about your marriage.

My only other advice is this:

Si le chien ne fera pas des tours, le laisser dormir dehors.

Tom

[Sheila]

Kat
I know a woman in my area who was going through much the same thing...she was off work due to cancer treatments...her husband said she could no longer go shopping...since she wasn't working....he of course worked all the time....they by no means were struggling....well she gave up her routine life as he asked....4 weeks later she filed for divorce...said she could not live that way....this disease does have a way of isolating us, and sometimes we do the risky and crazy things we would never have done! We travel, shop, go to events...it is like we are trying to cram our lifes into a short schedule....get out and make new friends, new interests...I agree with Tom, no knitting or ceramics....I am looking into a class on belly dancing....how crazy is that?

[Barbara H.]

Dear Kat,
As I was getting ready to reply to you I read Tom's reply. He says it much more eloquently than I could. There is a women at my cancer center who is a social worker and checks in occasionally with the patients. She told me that I could call her day or night. You could check to see if there is someone on the staff you could talk at your cancer center who is experienced with these issues.

I would have a serious talk with your husband about what is going on. Explain that in order to solve this you both need some intervention and that if he doesn't agree to get some help together for your marriage, then you are moving on with your life. You don't have to mention the big "D" word at this point, just that life is too short and you intend living it to the max. Try to rehearse what you will say and be as composed and calm as possible as you say it. Even if he passes your ideas off, I think it would be helpful at least for you to speak with someone who has experience with this issues that arrise when a member of the family has a health issue. This can happen not only with couples, but also when children in the family are not well. Some people just have a very different way of dealing with stress, or what life brings, and some people never learn to deal with it. I assume you want your relationship to work or you wouldn't be posting this. Let him know that your relationship is important to you, but that you feel it needs some interevention.

Good luck! Since you know him best you will find the best way to approach him.
Best regards,
Barbara H.

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for all the advice Sheila, Barbara, and Tom---I like a man's view on this. Gotta go run to that Onc., who my husband chose me to see-----no counselors at this tiny place--just chemo, 1 Onc for all & foreign (where males are dominant), and 2 onc.nurses. Will cont. when I return......I would like to get that big dog house....kat

[Ginagce]

My god you are brave. I don't know that I could stand up to what you are dealing with.

I will keep my opinion of your husband to myself for now as that won't help matters any. But if I were to share any of it, I would have to include get rid of the bum....he's a very broken individual.

But now for something more constructive. Is there any way you can talk him into couples therapy. Perhaps a trained therapist can make him understand what's really going on in his little heart and brain and lead you both on the road to healing...whatever that may be.

My heart goes out to you and without even seeing you, I know you are a beautiful woman. Don't let him make you forget that...ever!

God Bless and Keep You
Ginagce

[StephN]

Put it in the yard and then see how your husband reacts. Maybe even make a sign with the DOG'S name on it to reinforce the hint.

If you have been sleeping (or reading/computing) in separate rooms before your diagnosis, then you have to make a compromise. What about the nights that he does not have to get up to go to work?? Does he put a lock on the door?? Have you ever crept in and slipped into bed beside him (not on the side with the dog!)?? Don't forget his favorite scent if you are not allergic.

Here is another idea, but very personal. Many men are subject to erectile dysfunction, and maybe this is getting to be an issue with him??

People are very complex "animals" and there is likely no easy answer.

Keeping the house in "pre-cancer" order when you have cancer treatments IS IMPOSSIBLE. Little piles appear here and there waiting to be dealt with. Pretty soon it is easy to ignore them and the disorder gets worse. Even if your husband or sons help with keeping their stuff straightened up, other things - like little repairs, etc., just take root on shelves, tables and window sills. Tell your husband that you are also mentally exhausted and that the situation between the two of you is not helping. He may not like to hear this, but you can say it if it is true. The outward disorder becomes a reflection of inward disorder and fatigue.

Getting out is a big boost to morale. So doll yourself up and take a walk in the mall - even by yourself. A change of scene lets your mind sort itself out a little. You must have some nice parks that you can take a bit of food to and get some fresh air (without the dog!).

And don't forget to HUG YOURSELF. This is what we do at the end of our workout with my cancer survivor group.

[kat in the delta]

HELP!! He is now getting angry at me. He will not take me ANYWHERE ! I need someone to talk to...He does not understand that chemo makes a person even slower than they were.....please tell me where I can show him a site or some info about this. I was never on the spot ready, but chemo has really taken its toll on me and he just gets mad at me ......
Anyone know a site or info to send him....I am not even sure of his e-mail address..he is very secretive......??.....kat in the delta

[kat in the delta]

Tom,
I need a man's advice or opinion,OR ANYONE HERE to help me......... My husband will not take me Anywhere...I am getting depressed...I am still taking some chemo..and I just cannot get anything organized. To take a bath is exhausting. This morning, He Told me to do something for his friend who just lost both of his parents in less than 3 wks.. I did get a card and wrote a long message in it... I made the mistake of trying to cook them something, and when he got home the kitchen was a wreck...He got angry at me and yelled....HE said I probably made it low fat and it would not be good anyway...and blah,blah....Guess.I should not have attempted to fix a - Thing-- as it Wasted my whole day....and Now night as I will go back into the kitchen to try to clean the MESS I made up.HE will go to HIS bedroom while I go and clean up--gotta go as the computer is in HIS bedroom. I sleep in the room where his dead mother used to sleep. His parents always slept in separate bedrooms and we moved into their old house right before I was detected with cancer..I feel like I am his mother,as she would tell me that his father never really loved her............. I even shiver at times when he is around......I do not like anyone being MAD at me...................I want to die at times, but usually just ask "God to help me" over and over again. I just cannot do everything or anything like I did before this Chemo and cancer bout. Glad you guys are here on this site, and glad I have my dogs here at times like this--(Fang the oldest) is 16 yrs old and I have his baby-"Coyote" and my husband claims her Mama as His dog and lets that dog in his bedroom .................... Kat in the Delta

[kat in the delta]

Reviving old site---please give me your opinion...kat

[Erin]

Kat,

I know that I feel very unattractive even though my DH still looks at me the same way, and tells me it doesn't matter. I only had a lumpectomy, but it left my bc breast a good cup size smaller, and with quite a scar. The bald head and "power port" add to the lovely image.

In the back of my mind I think DH is just faking it when he says it doesn't matter...and maybe he is...but so what! No one goes out to have elective surgery to look this way! I don't buy the idea that "it doesn't matter". Of course it matters. We have problems with the way we look, they probably have problems with the way we look too...but they still love us. Our DH's have to deal with thier own feelings too. Maybe yours is struggling with his feelings, even feeling guilty about it.

Now for some practical things that helped me..... I found that if I covered up what was bothering me I felt more sexy. Maybe I'll feel different later, but right now I wear sexy night gowns that also strategically cover the bruised and battered parts of me. It takes a little shopping, but you can find them. I put makeup over the blue area left from the sentinel lymph node procedure and the bruising that lingers from the port insertion. I light candles, which are very flattering to the body image. I am thinking about going out and getting another wig, "just for us". I also find that not talking about bc for a few hours before, and trying to talk about other, more pleasant subjects helps put me in a better mood.

All of that helps me forget about it for a while too....we deserve that. Not to be too direct, but after all we've been though, we deserve great sex! Sometimes I have to remind myself that sex is good for me, and my husband, and our marriage...especially now, when we are both under such stress. It is another way to take good care of yourself.

Best of luck,,, I hope this all smooths out for you :-)

[Jean]

Dear kat,

Please realize that you are not about a breast, you are far more than that.
You are a woman - a woman who has faced a difficult dx and kept going
forward. If your husband lost a arm or leg you would still feel the same
love for him. It's not about body parts....believe me.

Hope you begin to feel better.

Kind Regards,
Jean

[MJo]

Do you think maybe you have an abusive husband? Abuse isn't just about hitting. Perhaps you are making excuses for him because you have cancer and you think that's a big stressor on him. But maybe you are cutting him too big a break. Have you checked out some of the domestic abuse sites on the internet.

[Erin]

I agree with MJo. Sorry to be blunt, but if your recent post are at least somewhat objective (and we all have our own perspective on any given situation) then your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk (maybe more than a bit....). Maybe you need to talk to a professional who can help you see the situation clearly and make some positive decisions for yourself. Or, if possible, go to some professional counseling together.

[Vi Schorpp]

You did not have any control over your cancer or chemo, and I feel terrible that you don't have a spouse that "has your back." There are many things to ask yourself. Why are you afraid to have people "mad" at you? Why do you care if you are organized? Is organization a top priority for you or for him? You just might have to readjust your priorities for a while. Why do you feel so much pressure to please him? Are you comforted by sleeping alone? What about you? You want to die sometimes? You would want to die to get away from this? No, what you want to ask God for is the strength to help you make some tough decisions and to pray for peace and solitude, or for a partner who doesn't make you feel so vulnerable.

If you were my sister (and I have 6 of them) I would give you the following advice (be warned, these are tough questions): Who are you? What makes you happy? Why are you in this situation? Is it a temporary situation? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Are there changes that can be made? If we don't make conscious decisions for ourselves, they are made for us. Not making a decision is making a choice. We cannot be a doormat unless we lie down. Even if you don't have the strength now, formulate in your mind how you can make your life better down the road. Be very honest about what you need from you husband and talk this over with him.

Do you have family, friends or a professional that you can talk to? You need to be empowered by someone -- if not family or friends, perhaps there are some books you can read. No one is all good or all bad. You will have to figure out who you are and what you stand for. What are your standards?

We can't get over things until we get through things, and that's where the work is. Those are the tough questions. Please don't misread this post, I'm trying not to preach. I just want you to think differently.

I am a strong person but very thankful that my husband was part of my cancer journey. He will be gone one year on April 9th. One of the things I miss the most about him is how I feel "vulnerable" at times because he always had my back so to speak. We were partners -- equals! I wish that for you! Maybe you can be stronger standing alone. There are many people on this site who are single. It's how you feel. Negativity around you is a big stress. Do you need that?

I truly wish you well and hope you find the strength and support you need. Be well.

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for mentioning abuse can be OTHER than physical..He does mentally abuse me....Never taking me anywhere....and not letting me sleep in the same bed.........I will look for sites, if YOU know one please foward it .thanks, ONC apt now ,---------------- Kat in the Delta

[TriciaK]

Kat, as a professional counselor married to a psychologist, we believe that you are not the problem! You definitely need to talk to a professional for help and advice, even if your husband won't. Start with your oncologist, if he is someone you can talk to. He may be able to listen and help you himself or to suggest a counselor who works with cancer patients. Join a support group---this one online is fantastic, but maybe you also need a group to talk with in person, if one is available there. Maybe you can start one with the help of your oncologist or the oncology nurses, whom I have found to be wonderfully supportive and caring. You have taken an important step by talking with the wonderful people on this site, because often the hardest part of the problem is admitting there is a problem. We often feel we have to be "loyal" to our mates, no matter how they treat us. This is typical of abused wives. Don't wait for your husband to go to counseling, he may refuse. You go alone if he won't go . A good counselor will not tell you what to do, he or she will help you see your options. Think about options. Do you have to stay with your husband because of insurance or to have a home? It is extremely difficult to see options when you are not feeling well physically and emotionally. But find support somewhere. There has to be someone who can help you. Tell them what you have told us. It appears to me that the problem is not with you making yourself more attractive, but with a husband you may not be able to please no matter what you do. All of us here can see what a special person you are, and you do not deserve to be treated badly! Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. And if you want to email my husband and me for what counseling we can give you online, please don't hesitate to do so. My email is pairadox1@beyondbb.com. And no matter what you decide to do, keep in touch with us here, this is a caring, loving and understanding place! Hugs, Tricia

[Tricia]

Kat I too, feel unattractive although my Husband says thats my view not his. He has continued to support me in so many ways especially when it comes to the sex part... We had a very wonderful sex life and still do when it happens... Most times I feel very tired and ugly. I see women who have long gorgeous hair and I envy them my husband always loved running his fingers through my hair and sometimes I catch him running his fingers up the back of my neck only to remember that the hair is gone...I simply turn to him and say "it's gone baby" and he will say right back to me..."it will be back". I know it will and thats what keeps me going. I know I will beat this.. we will beat this. Cancer has an uninvited presence in our lives so we have to do everything in our power to show it that it doesnt belong, to continue to live, continue to grow, continue to love. I go bald almost every where my husband thinks I am gorgeous that way and he says its my badge of courage and I have the right to do so. One day recently we were waling in a store hand in hand and we passed by a mirror and I saw the person he was holding hands with and it brought tears to me my eyes.. I just looked up at him and said poor baby have to walk around with this on your arm... he looked down at me with a little hurt look on his face and said "Tricia, you are my wife and I love you and I am very honored to have you on my arm and I don't care what anyone else thinks" I love him so very much I know that he was sent by God to help me battle this evil monster called cancer. Stay positive, I know it's hard to do but we when we take back our lives.


BIG HUGS

[kat in the delta]

I tried to e-mail your husband....do you know if he received my e-mail from katcdale@yahoo.com Let me know. Thank you so much...kat in the delta

[TriciaK]

Kat, This is TriciaK in Utah. You sent a couple of emails to my husband, the psychologist. When he read them he said, "This is getting very serious! If he won't consider couples counseling, and Kat can't find a counselor to help her, it may be time to talk seriously with an attorney!" Your husband sounds as if he is getting more and more angry. Do you fear violence? You must get some help, Kat, someone who is there or nearby. Can you go to a nearby city if your town is too small or you are afraid of gossip? You husband sounds as if he may be a "good old boy" type who may have lots of male friends who would take his side against you. I hope that is not true! The financial things he is doing would not be legal in a community property state. Is your state community property? If it is he can't just take something that belongs to you both and sell it without you knowing about it or signing legal papers giving him the right. Only you know if it has gone too far for just counseling or if it is time to see an attorney. Do you know a clergyman you can talk to? We are worried about you, Kat, and hope you will get help soon before you lose everything or before this man gets violent. We decided it is best to talk with you via this website rather than using a computer he has access to. I will ask Joe how we can communicate privately through this website. Hang in, don't just give up! You do not deserve this kind of treatment! Hugs, Tricia