psychological during this?

[MCS]

I have lost all my faith after this.

My mother is in denial an treats me like I'm good as new, My two daughters treat me like crap, my husband desn't have what it takes to support me emotionally or to tell my daughters off. I also lost my job and looking for a way to get permanent disability

Where do I go? I guess that's why this God gave me this? so I could die and be at peace? I really want to die sometimes. I'm so tired physically and battered emotionally

I never thought I would spend my last year (s) like this so I almost wish I would die soon. I am totally abandoned and lonely.

I know that some of you may have experienced this at some time. What do you advice? I guess I need a pshychologist to give me self elteem or encourgament to live. at minumum to get my medicines because i don't want to do that either. I guess my life in this earth is over

MCS (maria)

[Sheila]

Maria

First of all you need to want to fight...for yourself! It is hard for some of the people in our lives to really understand what we are going through...many are in denial...they act like everything is OK because they don't want to face their fears of possibly losing us...all this can be very depressing....sounds to me like it is time to call a family meeting and get these emotions out on the table....if they aren't willing, then get help on your own....you need to fight for you!!!!

[Tom]

My Dearest Maria,

I felt so sad just now when I read your post, but it reminded me of how difficult this disease can be for all those it touches. I have lost many family members and friends over the years to cancer of all types, and will most likely have to deal with it myself soon due to my genetics. I must say that I certainly do not yet know what it's like to be the patient, but I know a lot about being a patient's friend or loved one. I suspect that your family is as confused emotionally as you are right now. Denial on anyone's part can be a coping mechanism for some. Some react by putting some distance emotionally between themselves and the patient. This is normal, though not very helpful, as they are attemtpting to shield themselves from the pain of seeing a loved one threatened by illness. They will all adjust as time goes on. It would be wonderful if everybody did and said exactly the right things during your treatment, but that rarely happens.

Having said all of that, now it's time to worry about you and let everybody else take care of themselves. Try to remember one thing through this period. As odd as this might sound, you are "fortunate" that you developed your cancer when you did. I say that because you are living at a time when you have the best possible chance of beating it completely. The amount of research underway, and treatment options available to you at this moment, are amazing. In the "old days", you might read about some new breakthrough every six months or so, and then never hear any more about it. Today, I find myself needing to look at my usual research sites (www.oncolink.com (http://www.oncolink.com), www.breastcancer.org (http://www.breastcancer.org), www.her2support.org (http://www.her2support.org)) several times a day, as there seems to be something new popping up every few hours.

Sheila said it well. Have a family meeting and lay your feelings out on the table. Tell them that you are taking your future into your own hands (at least the part that God will let you control), and would appreciate any support that they might give you. Tell them that you understand it is difficult for them as well, but that it's your life and you cannot take as much time to deal with their problems while you are busy fighting to survive. Most people can be amazingly selfish at the worst possible time, but they don't mean to be.

There is no doubt that you will be depressed from time to time, but recognize that fact and try to move quickly through those moments. I do not know the precise nature of your treatment protocol, but get involved with the day to day decision-making of your doctors. Taking control of your own path will help you regain your emotional balance, and give you a better sense of your future. You must remain calm and clear headed so that you can make intelligent choices about everything from what drugs you receive to what you decide to have for breakfast.

As far as your fear of being abondoned and alone, consider this: Thousands of people view this website every day. Many are reading our posts a few minutes after we type them. We are a family here, and genuinely care about the fate of the others who belong to this "club". YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. Besides all of us, you have your God above, watching over every breath you take. I admit that many times I wondered if He had abandoned me. Then, when you feel that all hope is lost, and you are staring into the abyss, He suddenly appears from the light to soothe the soul, and comfort the breaking heart. He will breathe the life of hope into you, and remind you that He is in control. When the burden of all you are going through seems to be too much to bear, give yourself a break and ask Him to take the ship's wheel for a bit while you rest.

If you feel that a psychologist might help you understand your situation better, then go to one. But choose HER carefully. Try to find one who routinely counsels people dealing with serious illness. You might even find one who has been through it personally. And remember, come to this "trough to drink" as often as you need. There will always be someone here to reach out to, whether it be for advice or simply to share a thought with. There are many wonderful and intelligent people here. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. Take care and God Bless you and your family Maria.

Sincerely,
Tom

[madubois63]

Please call anyone of these organizations for help.

Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization (http://www.y-me.org/)
CancerCare (http://www.cancercare.org/)
American Cancer Society Homepage (http://www.cancer.org/docroot/home/index.asp)
CancerCare can help direct you in (temporary) financial assistance and offers group, family and personal counseling. Maybe your family needs to understand what you are going through by being with others in the same boat. They are in denial and are scared for you. If they treat you as always, then in their own minds everything is fine. Why did you loose your job? Medical? You may need an attorney. Call Social Security ASAP. It takes a while to get benefits, but I have heard that some people get fast tracked because of the BC. You may need an anti-depressant. When I first started this whole thing, the Tamoxifen put me in to a suicidal mode. Weird - since I just fought for my life. After two weeks of taking zoloft, something in my head popped and I felt like me again - it truly was a moment of clarity. Please talk to you oncologist ASAP!!!

[cherylynnie]

Maria,

You hang in there! And remember - HOPE!

As mothers our families are so used to us taking care of them. It is hard for them to take care of us. And I am sure they remember life before cancer and they wish life could go back. But unfortunately it can't, no time machines here.

When I first found the lump in my breast I didn't want anyone to know until I had a diagnosis. I caught my husband talking to his mother on the phone. I was so mad that he had gone against my wishes. I told him to grow up and be a man! I needed his support now more than ever. I also told him to suck it up and be a man, because that is what I needed. And to be honest with you he did for the most part. He is very busy and at times has gotton tied up in everything he has going on. So there are times that I have to remind him of what I need from him.

My kids, 14 and 11, were very heartbroken at first. As soon as I was diagnosed we sat them down and I told them. Because I knew telling them was the right thing to do. They have been wonderful for the last six months. I made a comment to a neighbor about how well behaved they have been for me. That was a mistake because shortly after that they starting being typical kids again. But they must have gotten that out of their system, or was it that I let them know I wasn't happy about how they were behaving, yep that was it:)

Have the family meeting and let everyone know how you feel and that you need their support. Tell them that you know they have stuff going on too, but you need them to treat you with love and kindness and you need them to support you. Husbands and children can be selfish and you need to communicate to them how you feel. Because we may look okay on the outside, they see that outward appearance and don't realize how we really feel. All the fears, anxieties and physical weaknesses we may have right now. You have to communicate to them.

You have to fight, you can't give up the fight! You have to fight for yourself. Put yourself first!

Please let your doctor know how you are feeling. I felt like this right after the new year. My husband was letting me down. I happened to have an appointment with the plastic surgeon at this time and I told him that I need emotional support because I wasn't getting it at home. And he called me with information a few days later and gave me three different resourses. I pulled myself out of the funk I was in, told my husband how I felt and so far I haven't felt that hopelessness again. But I know that I have places to go if I need to get help.

Hang in there! Fight and have Hope!

[StephN]

Dear Maria -
You have seemed 'together' in your posts up to now. Sometimes there is some little thing that just is the last straw and we lose our resolve and will to carry on.
You know they say you can pick your friends, but not your family. Well sometimes the family just has to back off, and you need to try to come to an understanding with them. The other posts here gave you some great advice, if you can get your family members to sit down together.

One thing I would do is try to deal with your daughters and hubby first - then move on to your mother (I assume she does not live under the same roof with you). Maybe the others will find a way to help you with your Mother. Does your husband or Mom go to the onc visits with you. Someone should. Or to a treatment session to see how other patients get along with caregivers or friends.
Most cancer clinics have pastors on staff. They can be VERY helpful.

"It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw."

-Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)

[R.B.]

What a bundle all at once.

I hope tomorrow dawns on a brighter day. Try and feed yourself well if you don't already. St John's wort tea can help lift mood. My boring old post balance the omega threes and sixes. Omega three and particularly fish oil is often reported as helping with depression.

Diet wont help sort your problems out but maybe help give you the strength to deal with them and see things in a different light.

Don't give up.

RB

[TriciaK]

Maria, you have had some incredible replies to your cry for help! I really can't add much except to let you know that the counsel you have just received is amazing and right on. My husband is a psychologist and I a counselor and we both agree that what these wonderful people have told you is true, and we hope you will really take it to heart. It may also be that seeing a psychologist or counselor can help you a lot. It would give you an opportunity to share your feelings with someone who will know how to help you. Medication for depression may also help. It has been proven that the combination of counseling and medication together is of more value than either one alone. The suggestion of talking with your family is good. That could also be done as a family counseling session with a psychologist or counselor. Your oncologist or family doctor may be able to give you suggestions on getting help. Keep in touch with the good, understanding people on this site. They've gone through so much and they have so much to share. We also pray for each other and I know many of us will be praying for you. Hang in there! It doesn't necessarily get easier but you can get stronger! Hugs, Tricia

[chrislmelb]

Maria, it can get all too much sometimes. I agree with what everyone else has said too. Tell your family how you are feeling. Also as Tricia suggested, i would get yourself onto anti depressants to boost your mood up for a while and then you will find things don't weigh you down so much. You will feel more able to cope. Don't be worried by the stigma attached to anti-depressants. They serve a very good purpose.
Take care
Christine