Being a friend and having cancer

[Annemarie]

I am writing with a heavy heart. I find that living with met. bc takes on a life of it's own. I have been fighting bc since I was 32. Brain mets have popped up three times in four years and then the MRI's every 90 days, waiting for test results, getting Herceptin every 3 weeks, doctors doing extra tests such as a spinal just to be certain or testing scar tissue for ca or seeing if arthritis is a met. -all this sets me into a tail spin. It seems to be constant. Even if it is nothing the anxiety alone puts me over the edge.

I am so consumed with bc (trust me I do try to forget I have it). I just always feel so overwhelmed with raising our son, working f/t and battling this disease. I have a friend I have offended by my lack of communication during her difficult time. I was having a lot of testing done which I generally keep to myself. Well now she is really angry with me and not sure she wants to continue our friendship. I feel terrible. She feels that I have been on the receiving end for over 5 years and it was my turn to be on the giving end and I was not there. Her estranged brother has huge troubles with the law. I just feel my cup is full. Can anyone else relate? I did say I was sorry and asked for forgiveness. Any advise or words of wisdom or experience?

[lu ann]

Dear Annemarrie, You have enough burdons in your life that you are not obligated to take on any more. If this person you are dealing with is truly a friend she would understand this. You've been through more in a few years then what most people go through in a life time. I'm not telling you to drop this friend, but just don't beat yourself up over it. I try to put a limit around the time I spend with negative people and situations. Just reading the newspaper and watching the news can be a real downer when your own life is in on edge. Take care and God Bless You. Lu Ann.

[Lolly]

Dear Annemarie, I think your apology and asking for forgiveness is all you owe your friend; if she thinks about this for awhile she'll realize she was asking too much of you. If she doesn't realize this, and doesn't forgive you, then you will just have to accept that you can no longer be friends with someone who will try to drain your energy with negative B.S. when you're fighting for your life.
I myself have had a hard time with this aspect of learning how to live with bc, having always been one to do for others BEFORE I do for myself. For my own sake, I've had to reverse this order, but I think we have to put ourselves first in order to survive. We owe this to ourselves AND our families and friends.

<3,
Lolly

[Cathya]

Annemarie; I am so sorry to hear about your problems. When I think back to my life in my thirties I can't imagine having to deal with a life threatening illness at such a time of life. One thing I do remember is that, in my thirties I never gave death a second thought. I think until you are well into your forties.....under normal circumstances....ie without cancer in your life....aging, death etc. is just not a concern. I guess what I am trying to say is that, although your friend was obviously a great support to you over these trying years....she is not walking in your shoes and likely can't realistically understand and fully empathize with your situation....at this point in her life. You have apologized and now perhaps you will have to..."let go and let God". When I was younger and going through my divorce with two little children I saw a psycologist for a while. It was the best thing I ever did. My own needs are not the same now and now, in order to help me deal with relaxing, losing some weight and maintaining my exercise program I am thinking of seeing a hypnotist. I recently read that this is helpful. Either of these options might help you feel a little better. Just remember that you can only do what you can....your friends attitude reflects more about where she is with her brothers problems than where you are in helping her. All my very best to you.

Cathy

[pattyz]

Annemarie......... It has been my experience (at age 56 now) that when you have priorities of health and family, you just can not afford the added energy required to deal with problematic friends. Or sometimes, extended family either for that matter. If you try to stretch yourself too thin, your own family and health will suffer.

These 'choices' can be difficult, guilt producing and leave you questioning yourself.... as you are now.

I have been in a closely similar situation at ages 30, 32, 40 and 50. In just one case am I still friends with the person... for 25 yrs now!

You are doing the right thing, I believe. If this friend is the lifetime/sister kind, she will eventually understand. And please, forgive yourself, too!

hugs,
pattyz

[Unregistered]

Annemarie - Wow, I am so glad you posted your message! Sometimes you feel all alone until you are made aware of someone's similiar struggle. I am going through something so very similiar and have been trying to work it out myself. The last year has been a roller coaster of surgeries, chemo, radiation, tests, test, more tests, and bad news after bad news. I got through it mostly with my husband's support but there are a few close friends that helped me so much - I love them and wouldn't want to loose their friendship.

Come June I felt like I needed a good breakdown. I was beat and tired of thinking of cancer all the time. But I didn't allow it to happen because my dear friend's father was dying of prostate cancer. This was so very hard for me. I would hear about his struggle from my friend and all I could think about was that I will die a similiar painful way. My thoughts made me feel guilty so I just put everything on the back burner and did what I could for my friend. It was a long hard summer. I wish I hadn't burried all those feelings.

This August my friend's father passed away, my kids went back to school in September, I turned 40 and I was alone. I decided to just go ahead and feel my feelings, shutdown and let it all come through me. By doing so, I chose to separate from my friends. Their struggles didn't seem to warrant my energy. They were upset about annoying lights in their cars, pimples on their noses, weeds in their yard...all the things that I would love to consider my top priority if I wasn't battling a life threatening disease! During this time I cried, slept, and regained some fighting energy. I have slowly tried to explain my shutdown to them. Mostly they don't get it. Mostly they can't relate at all and sometimes their actions or words really hurt.

What I have realized throughout this journey is that there are certain people who I really want to keep close to me. They may not understand, they may not say what I want them to say but those select few make me laugh, bring me flowers, watch my kids, love me the best way they know how. So I don't ask them to understand anymore. I ask them to just be there for when I have enough energy to really enjoy them again and to forgive me for not being there for their struggles. I let them know that I have to fill myself up again by doing things for me (exercise, diet, movies, books, getting my nails done, dinners with my husband, going to my kids sporting events, etc.) which takes a lot of energy because I am also fighting cancer. They are giving me that space without judgement which makes me want to get back in the game with them!

Your friend's struggles are so valid to her and I am sure she needs someone right now. Let her know that you WANT to be there for her and you value her freindship but your tank is low right now. Don't stress, think about what you need to do for yourself. If you are feeling better and recharged a little bit then you will want to be with her and help her. She may need to shutdown herself and after some time she will realize she misses you. If she becomes nothing but negative then you need to turn and run (that takes tooooo much energy to deal with).

Take your space - do what you need to fill up your tank and and keep on fighting!

[Esther]

Annemarie, I thought you had alot to deal with as I read your post, then I got to the part where you mentioned working f/t and raising your son!

Wow! Do you ever have a full load to deal with!

It would have been nice to be there for your friend's brother--but, we can only do what we can do. Right now you are doing awesome just coping with your own life and family.

You've done what you can in regards to your friend, you apologized. Don'tbe to hard on yourself about it, you're stretched pretty thin with your own issues.

[geraldine]

Dear AnnMarie, as if you don't have enough to deal with. I once had what I thought was a good friend, in fact she was more like a sister. Then in 2001 I discovered I had BC. After the mastectomy and during chemo , she stopped calling. Later when I was feeling a bit better, I decided to contact her and find out why. This was against all my families wishes. Anyway to cut a long story short, she said she had'nt been too well herself and I could'nt be there for her. I was really hurt and confused as we were so close. " You find out who your real friends are" Never were truer words spoken. I have made some wonderful friends and aquaintances since, and hope everything works out for you too. I also hope your friend never finds herself in the same circumstances. loads of hugs Geraldine

[susie]

Feeling guilty and stressed because you didn;t do the thing you thought you were supposed to, is very commonly experienced by most of us, but as you can see, it adds alot of burden. You did the right thing by sensitively apologizing to your friend. I think this ideally could have been cut off at the pass (meaning you wouldn't have anything to apologize about) if you (and all of us!) would set bounderies to begin with. Even with bc I am aware that I might be overburdening somebody and I always (now, after learning the hard way) to ask about it and not dump my problems at the doorstep of a confidante/friend. People have alot of problems in this world, and bc is one of them, but just one. I know I have been of the mind that there can be nothing worse than bc, and we'd rather have a brother gone bad or some lesser problem---

[Annemarie]

BC has made me try to be a more forgiving person. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing. All the would if's in life- what if I went to the doctor sooner? What if I had such and such treatment rather than the what I chose and so on. I used to beat myself over this and then over the years I learned to let it go.

I also reflect over time and people of the past and friendships I let go because I held grudges. Now after all I have been through it all seems so silly and senseless. I do not want to have bad feelings towards anyone. I just want to enjoy whatever time I have left in this world (and I plan on sticking around for a good while!). I need all my energy to fight my illness. I have learned that people cannot understand or relate to your illness until it becomes personal to them (their family or them). I really do not discuss the details or the testing with too many people. I do not want to burden others with my problems so truthfully my friend does not even know everything I have been through but it would not change things. She feels I was not being her friend and is very hurt. I wrote her a card and apologized and asked for her forgiveness. I feel if she is so hurt the friendship must have been valueable to her. I cannot force people to like me so this is all I can do. She is so angry right now that I cannot ring her bell and try to talk to her. I hope it works out and if it does not I will have to let go of this as well.

[Lyn]

Hi there, the big problem of the big C, any type,is that we really don't want to give into the disease and we beat ourselves up if we can't do everything we want to or should be doing, I am guilty of this and try to be a super human. You are the true friend, you have apologised, your friendship is unconditional, a bit more generous than I would have been, the thing is that none of us asked for this and as I get older and into this disease more, into my 8th year of continual treatment now, the people with self inflicted or trivial problems get under my skin. At first I had my family, friends, my estranged relatives, people I hadn't seen for years all appear at my bedside, in some way they were all there for me, but a couple because they wanted to feel better themselves should I die. I got a lot of continual support from close friends and relatives, but now after I have lost count of how many reoccurences I don't even tell many that I am in treatment yet again, I just get on with it, it is my way of life. I recently had an uninvited, unwanted relative overs stay, she complained for days, weeks that her breast was saw, I don't know how many times I told her to get it checked out until I just said, if you don't go and find out what it is, don't expect any sympathy from me I haven't any to give, I said this as I was rushing out to see my onc. She went, had tests, many appointments were dragged out, they had done tests and nothing came of it but she milked it for all it was worth. This is a mouthful, Her mother, my mother in law, who lives in New Zealand, I am in Australia, visited her niece Judy, her cousin in hospital a couple of weeks back, she is 42, 2 young girls, and she had a mastectomy and reconstruction, and she continued to tell Judy how poor Antonio (Ann to everyone else) was to see the doctors in December for a follow up, well she let fly and told her if there was anything to worry about she would be in hospital and having surgery like Lyn and Me, she has learnt early in this experience, Antonio only had a cyst anyway but she is revelling in the pity. The worst part of this is that I have a 15 year old daughter and BC is now on both parent's side. Got off track I know, a true friend stays by you through everything and doesn't expect anything in return and it is selfish to expect you to worry about her brother's indescretion with the law, we would all love to trade places with him and her if that was all they had to worry about. I don't know if it is the drugs but I do shock a few people these days in what I say, sometimes they tell me I am a bit harsh, but what can happen to me, that already hasn't, I have the big C, I am however a big believer in Karma so I don't overstep the boundaries, you need to be around cheerful people, not people who want to drain what energy you have, this is needed for the battles you have to endure yourself, and I bet there is someone out there reading your post who isn't far away and would like to physically hold your hand as well and help you through this.


Love & big Hugs Lyn.

[StephN]

Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

The above was sent to me by a friend who also is a cancer survivor. Survivors seem to understand each other better than others.
The fact that the "friend" is in a snit over an "estranged brother" and his problems makes it even harder to swallow. It is not your fault that she and her brother have a long-standing problem. And, by the same token, not your problem to fix for her. She herself seems incapable of dealing with her brother and you can't spend your precious energy trying to so this for her.
I think this is a case of misplaced blame and if she does not respond positively to your apology, it is beyond help. You have let her know that you are 'standing by.'

[Annemarie]

Steph I love your quote! I have been battling bc for 5.5 years and brain mets have been my problem. I do not even tell my siblings! I keep it to myself because 5.5 years of support is a long time. I rely on my parents and my husband. Sometimes I will tell a few close friends that I am getting some tests done can they say a prayer. So I would not say I burden others with my bc. I rarely talk about bc because I love to have fun and laugh. I see a psychiatrist to talk about it.

I brought a big pot of mumms to my friends front door with an apology card. I rang the bell and her husband invited me in and greeted me. She would not come out so her husband said,"I am sorry that my wife is being an ass". And I left. So that is that. I agree with what you said about her being in pain and focusing it on me. People feel that cancer pts. are the recipient and feel they come up short when it is their turn. I am not too broken up about things because to me it is forgiveable. If you hurt someones feelings and they apologize why be mad? Cancer really teaches you not to sweat the small stuff and it is all small stuff!

[StephN]

Hi Annemarie -
You are sweet beyond belief!
Even the husband sees the problem for what it is. So, you know that you have HIS support even if he is not the main friend here. He also knows better than anyone what the whole scenario is with her family. And he probably gave up on them long ago and was basically telling you to do the same with that response.

The hubby is putting up with this childish behavior, but you don't have to. So ahead and get some positive energy going and leave this behind. If the "friend" has a wake up call and a change of heart, she will let you know.

[mamacze]

Dear Sweet Annemarie,
Displaced anger; I think that is what the pro's call it...when someone is upset at something personal then take it out on somebody else; and YOU were that someone else.
You have shown true remorse; apologized; and you are now letting her stew in her own juices; it is a good move to separate your self from that!
Now, take care of you...you mentioned a couple of times how you keep your cards close to your chest. I would suspect that your close family and close friends would like to be more supportive when they can; it seems like it would only help you if you let them know when you are reaching a crisis point...another scan, bad results; a new round of chemo. I send out occasional emails and thank my family and friends for their support while asking them for their prayers during particularly stressful times. We can all pray and they are more than happy to oblige...I truly feel a difference...
Good luck angel and keep us posted.
Love Kim from CT

[Annemarie]

I just look at this experience as a lost opportunity for my friend. Most of the time when there is a disappiontment in a relationship one party will not conceed with an apology. I make friends rather easily and I am in no way in any pain. I feel I did everything I could and it is unfortunate that my friend (or former friend) is not a forgiving person which I think is a terrible trait. I have an open door to her. Our husbands were very good friends as well. My husband was with me and our son and he was embarrassed for her! He thought it was so childish.

My reason for not telling people everything is I have had a lot of bad things happen to me. Not only have I had bc with brain mets but I had one miscarriage and then preterm labor with quadruplets at 21 weeks 2 days. the babies were born and died in our arms. 24 weeks is the min. for survival. A gestational surrogate carried our son. So I know a few things about loss and sorrow. I prefer to be on the up and up and focus on what I do have rather than my losses. This just seems to work for me. I don't like it when people ask me how I am feeling. I guess part of it is my denial- if we don't discuss it than it does not exist. I do see a psychiatrist a few times a month. I tell him everything.

[kristen]

Dear AnneMarie,

I have been reading these posts and you have gone far above and beyond what you had to do as a friend. Your an amazing woman and I would feel honored to have a friend like you. She is the one who lost out on a wonderful friendship.

[Unregistered]

I was lurking through the board today, not because I am a breast cancer survivor, althought my mother is one of 14 years ! I think it was very sweet and kind of you to show up at your friend's door, the card apologizing was very nice too ! I wish I had a friend like you ! Five years ago my father died of esophagus cancer, 6 months before he passed my best friend got pregnant from a guy that was already an ex-boyfriend at that time. She was very upset because she didn't know wheter she should keep the baby or not, well, needless to say I had to much on my plate at that time and couldn't be there for her. I was also mad because here I was loosing my father, and there she was deciding wheter to keep a baby or not ! She was very upset with me and stoped talking to me, never once asked me how my father was doing, never even called me when he passed. Not only that she got mad at me, my other friends took her side and were mad at me also, they called me selfish, and other names like that. I just recently started talking to all of them again because like some of the ladies here, I learned to not sweat the small stuff, but never once they apologized to me, I guess its true when people say that you only understand once you or a loved one is in these shoes. You have been and continue to be a caring friend to her, you did everything you were suppose to do, its up to her now, I hope her pride doesn't get in the way of your friendshipt, but if it does, maybe its time you realize you need to cut people like that from your circle of friends. Right now its the time for you to be selfish. Hugs, Lucy

[Alice]

Not knowing all the details of your friend and her brothers problems I may be speeking out of turn and I am sorry if that is so but, could it be possible that your friend should let her brother fend for himself. Is he not capable of making the right choices to stay out of trouble with the law?
I'm sure your friend is sad and upset about her brothers problems but could it be time for her to let go and let him live his life and make his own mistakes and correct them himself.We all make choices in life.
As I said I could be totaly off base with this and if I am I apologise.If I'm not it is worth thinking about.

[Annemarie]

Actually, the brother was estranged from the family until this all happened. Are you ready for this? He had 2 leopards in his house with four children and a wife he beat. The wife called the police and he is in jail. My former friends parents are distraught and her brother made headlines in the news. She is disappionted that I never called to say- if you ever want to talk I am here. Honestly, I did not know what to say and in sparing her the embarrassment I did not mention it to her. So you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[mts]

I agree with everyone about how you have done what you can by asking for forgiveness. You did go the extra mile.
I have found friends I did not know were "there" when I was well. And the friends I thought were- really aren't!
In the end, I just do what I can. I focus on myself (hurray for selfishness) and my family. My true friends understand.
I think that had it not been cancer, it would have been something else to divide your relationship with her. Move on.

Friendship should not be treated as a sideroad weed. Even the weeds need water !!! She used Roundup.

stay well,
maria