WHAT MORE AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE

[Lyn]

Hi all, well I am not a Merry Ray of Sunshine today, just got back from my doc, had message to see her result from biopsy was back, I was to see her this Friday. I actually thought after what I went through this time round with chemo and rads that it was gone, or else excuse my crude term, belted the shit out of it, well not so, it made no difference at all except I now have cremated skin on my right breast and skin, and hey who would want to operate on that anyway, well result poorly differentiated adenocarcinoma, excuse me that was in capitals in the report, ADENOCARCINOMA consistent with breast primary site of tumour, and this time HER1+ - 2+ heck I was always HER 3+ before, what have I done wrong, do I throw out all of my theories and vitamin supplements or just get back up and torture my body some more, sorry girls and guys but I have just lost it today, perhaps tomorrow I will get back up and keep on going on with treatment for the family, I can't even die in peace they are lost without me, I know they keep saying worry about yourself, and then the next question, can I borrow the car, where did you put the sugar, none of them know what a power or phone bill look like let alone arrange car insurance, sorry again just feeling sorry for my self, the other thing I hate the look of hearses so I guess I will just have to fight on for another day, another day closer to getting a cure.

Love & Hugs Lyn, good thing my tears haven't fused out the keyboard.

[Sheila]

Lyn
First of all you are a fighter....do not give up.....sending lots of prayers and hugs your way.....I know it may only be a matter of time for many of us, but DO NOT give up the fight....you have come too far in this battle...you are a warrior to many of us!
Hugs
Sheila

[Barbara H.]

Hi Lyn, You came to the right place to unload your fears, anger, and of course the hope, and the will to keep on fighting. You hit it on the nail. Our families behave often as if they couldn't cope without us which is one thing that keeps us going. It's also listed as a positive in survival statistics. It's also one way for them to cope; to ask to be driven or other things, and to ignore what you are going through. I imagine you have already heard of or read the book "Get out of my life but could you first drive me and Cheryl to the mall." If you haven't it may give you a laugh.
In any case you have the right to vent and be angry and my thoughts and well wishes are with you.
Best,
Barbara

[Eccles]

Lyn. I don't know if this is going to staunch your tears or not but I hope so. This disease, I guess like any other terminal illness (but I don't know) makes us very self-centred and survival becomes a priority. But what you have expressed here has a tremendous usefulness for others. You have shown that having informed yourself and taken the risk, led to believe in the efficacy of the standard treatment, it did not work and you have suffered from it and paid a huge price in mental and physical health. You have done something that will allow others to benefit from your experience. Now, from your courage to admit the truth of your situation, you have given some other women at the early stages, the possibility of thinking about whether the same might end up being true for them. They can now put together the information they have and ask, is it worth it, to go through all of this if there is the possibility that it will not make one iota of positive difference and at the same time devastating their immune system and all the other strengths they had at the start. God works in mysterious ways and it is almost always impossible to understand why we have to suffer but at least you are still alive to speak about it. Eccles

[mamacze]

Dear Lyn,
Even through the "shit" you have kept your sense of humor; you are a mother first and what a burden that is. Hang in there; what IS the next round of treatment for you?
Love Kim (from CT)
ps for now, just throw all those bills and papers in a basket; tomorrow is another day

[Lyn]

Thanks girls, I have been doing research since I posted, and it is inevidable that I have to take another step in the benefit of science, if not for myself and family but for all the others just beginning, so if anything I have passed on in this rotten journey has made someone elses treatment a success or even a little better it has been worth it. Mind you I have also had to look up my son's Netbank account while connected, if I didn't mind of course, he needs to borrow my car but for a change I left it empty on purpose. I am looking for a regime of Herceptin/Abraxane/Methotrexate, my as well shoot the connective tissue disorder while I am at it, seeing it has stirred up my thyroids function as well as everything else.

So, I just had to write how I felt, it always makes a difference, now I can bury the negative stuff and Soldier On, still haven't tried the Hypnosis theory yet, 2 of my friends have given up smoking since trying it, so if nothing else I won't have the desire to smoke, not that I have ever been one, but lets face it this, excuse me again, SHIT can drive you to it. The only blessing I have is that it has been contained in the breast and not bones or organs, AND I WON'T LET IT EITHER, my new slogan, "CANCER DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE". I can't think of the song with the don't live here any more, in it. I shall keep all posted, now I just have to find out what I have to tell my Onc to do next, good isn't it, at least he co-operates with me and that is half the battle, and this forum the other half.

Love & Hugs Lyn

[*_Kim in CA_*]

Dear Lyn,

You have always been such a trooper and a great inspiration to me. The rollercoaster effect of this disease is overwhelming sometimes. Just when I start to feel that I may have the upper hand in this battle, I get reminded that it is soooo far from over, and I know it is always going to be a struggle.

Hopefully you can regroup, and just go at it one day at a time. Just know that you have many cyber sisters out here that are supporting you with all the positive energy and prayers we can muster.

Love, Kim

P.S. It's really good to vent when you feel the need, that's what we're here for!

[Lolly]

Lyn, you know you've got the right to gripe here, and we all sure know how you're feeling. Just get it all out of your system, that's the best thing to do right now. I'm sending big hugs your way.

<3,
Lolly

[*_tami_*]

Lyn - The ebb and flow of this disease absolutely sucks and I find myself screaming just that on occasion while driving in the quiet comfort of my car. There is something primal about just screaming on occasion to calm me down.

I don't know a song that has "Cancer doesn't live here any more" in the lyrics but during chemo I would sing a song I learned in a musical healing class I attended. The song was written by a bc survivor and was sung to the music of 3 blind mice:

Breast cancer cells, breast cancer cells
See how they run, see how they run
They all run away from the chemo drugs that hunt them down like a band of thugs have you ever seen such a sight in your life as dead cancer cells,
dead cancer cells.

I laugh everytime this little ditty comes to mind.

When I need a pick me up, I turn to the power of music to help and if I am stuck and know I need a good cry, I turn to music to help take me there as well.

Hang in there, tomorrow is a new day and try listen to some great music

Best
Tami

[lindaw]

Dear Lyn
Sometimes it seems like it just keeps coming. I am sorry this has happenend but know you will get up again soon and work out what to do - just like you have helped me to do on many occassions.
Today I have been waiting on word from my sister in Perth who had a melanoma removed and now has a sus spot in her upper abdomen and another work friend has Hodgkins and now you. Sometimes it just never stops.
Please keep venting to us and let us know what the plan is.
love
linda

[StephN]

Dear Lyn -
I don't think you are anywhere near ready to "die in peace" OR otherwise!

You tried to get a handle on a recurrance with some new pathology. Again you seem to be treading in some uncharted territory. I sure wish you could gert a second opinion with eith my med onc or someone else really top notch like Dr. Pegram in LA.

Wonder if you could somehow at least correspond with Dr. Pegram or someone else and see what they think about your case. You are looking under every stone for a key to your particular brand of this crazy disease.

I feel SO fortunate that Herceptin has so far been the key to keeping my disease under control. But I have followed your machinations with the stubborn lymph nodes and now the other breast.

If a mastectomy IS possible, maybe you could have a skin graft just like they do with other burn patients.

Your curiosity and stubborn doggedness will surely get you through this episode.

Glad you are trying to help your family be more responsible for themselves. They have to do this sometime, anyway.

[al from canada]

Dear Lyn,
Keep the attitude. That's what will pull you through: "too piss-off to die". Let us know if there is any research we can do or contacts we can make to help you.
Take care,
Al