implant infected twice, ive had ENOUGH!!

[nikki uk]

Hi all

Oh where to begin, i am currently on the Hera trial receiving Herceptin thrice weekly, two weeks ago i had a breast reconstruction using the becker implant method where they gradually inflate you to your desired size.....well long story short i came home thinking Yeh i now have to molehills again when bam i get a nast staph infection which required 4 days in hospital on swimming pools full of iv's..my veins gave up in my good arm so they resorted to using my feet which hurt like hell!!! i came home after that thinking Yeh its cleared up i still have two molehills, and what happens i get yet another infection, my dr says that i have to go in tommorow and they will assess if it needs removing, (i cannot believe this is happening to me), i thought at last i could get on with life without wearing a horrible falsie (i know some gals like these and no disrespect, but they make me itch and i hate them), so i feel like im at square one again, Pleeeeeeeaaase somebody help me before i go mad, i thought i was dealing ok with a fairly poor prognosis (7/14 nodes er- pr+ two small tumours), but this has made be go doolally, i cant take anymore pain, im snapping at my hubbie and little boy which i know is out of order, but im so angry with life, how much does one person have to take, i lost my dad to kidney cancer in November 03, my nan died of a stroke in March this year and my last grandad who i adored passed in June this year, what is it all about? please help im almost suicidal......i know there are others who are in a much worse position, i see people at the hospital with Heart disease who can hardly breathe and people with all sorts of awful things but i feel so alone.
My love to you all, i do wander about this site often but don't post much as i feel im intruding on all you stage 4 sisters, i hope you don't mind my post today.
Nikki
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[lu Ann]

I will be praying for you and you must pray for yourself. You need not feel that you are intruding on us stage IV girls. We all have our cross to bare and it looks like you have a very heavy one so cut yourself some slack. I have been going through alot of depression, but not so much from being stage IV as with dealing with my teanage daughters. They don't have a clue what I am going through and it is really hard for me to put things into perspective and turn things over to God. If you want you can e-mail me at ludysmith@yahoo.com any time you need to. Take care of that infection and take care of yourself. If you need to, get meds for your anxiety. I wish I would have when I was diagnosed 13 years ago when my kids were little and maybe I wouldn't have the problems I have with them now during this reoccurrance of disease.

[paula]

I know what you mean. But somehow you'll garner the strength to get through this latest misfortune and look back and appreciate your fortitude. I'm in a similar kind of funk. July is an evil month for me. In July of '02 I was diagnosed with bc, stage 2b. July of '03 I took a little tumble off my bike and broke my hip. This year on July 4th, my husband noticed I looked a bit yellow and it turns out I'm jaundiced. On Tuesday, after a CT, the doctors thought I had pancreatic cancer. On Wednesday, they thought it was malignant node. But after a full week of a testing, we still don't know. Today I should get the results from a "brushing" they performed last Friday when a stint was inserted to help the bile duct.
Anyway, I know what you mean when you feel like what else can possibly go wrong. If all this turns out to be a bad nightmare, I will certainly celebrate each day to the fullest. Let's celebrate together. Hugs, Paula

[Sheila]

Nikki
I know how you are feeling, I had a lot of problems with my implant...tissue expander and drains etc...it drained for over a month after the implant was in...so I had those nasty drains and more antibiotics than I could count...they thought they may have to remove it...yes I was dissapointed too, but I prayed and put it all in God's hands....I still have it....but honestly, I was more comfortable with the prosthesis...this has been a pain!, and still is uncomfortable 9 mo later. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs
Sheila

[Kitty]

Nikki,

You are not intruding on us Stage IVers....you have every right to be upset and depressed. I am not familiar with the HERA trial but is the only thing you are on is herceptin? Was your white blood count low when they implanted your tissue expanders? You know most of the time you pick up your infections from being in the hospital - not a good place to be but nothing you can do when you are having surgery. Acknowledge your anger and frustration and try to let it go. I know that's easier said than done, but you will be better off for it than if you dwell on everything. I hope the infection clears quickly and those little molehills become the mountains???you want them to be. If you are in a real deep funk think about getting some antidepressants - it will help tremendously. Try to remember this is short term.....Take care,
Kitty

[Linda in Calif.]

Hi Nikki: Don't ever feel like you are intruding here...that is what this web-site is for....you can come here when you need to get things off your chest (no pun intended) with others in the same situation because we can sympathise, understand and hopefully give helpful advice. Not all of us are at Stage IV (I am at stage IIIA) although most of us are HER2+++, but not all.
I, also, had expanders placed at the time of my double mast. It was very uncomfortable but I put up with it because everyone told me I would be better off psychologically to have reconstruction done. I went in for my radiation treatments after I had been stretched to the size I needed (C+ cup) only to find that the Radiation Techs couldn't radiate me because the "healthy" breast was in the way! I had to have a significant amount of the sailine solution drained from that breast so that I could get my radiation treatments. (And I'm sure you remember how uncomfortable it is to get the skin stretched! and here I had to undo it!!!) After radiation the skin on the breast that had been radiated was so damaged that there was only enough skin for a size B cup. I had the expanders replaced with the saline implants about a year after the radiation. They didn't match in size, shape and weren't even. The plastic surg. blamed the radiation but I don't know. I had a second surgery 6 months later to try to get a better asthetic result and release scar tissue that had formed around the radiated breast and implant. It DOES look better but still not that great. My surg. said he could try again but by this time I had had it. I have always experienced a certain level of discomfort...kind of like wearing a tight sports bra 7/24. Sometimes I wish I had just had the double mast. and no reconstruction. I hope that things get better for you. Please keep us all posted. Take Care, Linda

[Steph N]

Our shoulders are here for YOU and anyone else needing them - for whatever reason!
I was lucky to get by with a med. size lumectomy, but know numerous women who have had various kinds of reconstruction.
I exercise with one nurse who was doing the expanders - she was SO uncomfortable, but now is feeling better.
A lawyer friend had her reconstruction undone as she just had too many problems with it. She is a woman with a small frame and she just feels much better without dealing with a bad result reconstruction (NOT the fault of her surgeon, who has an excellent reputation). She also has two small daughters to raise and seems to have been better able to handle ALL parts of her life after getting rid of her implants. Her husband also reported a lift in her mood once that was over and they have gotten on with life.