JoJo
07-17-2004, 11:43 AM
Hello ladies,
As you may know, I have a new recurrence to the brain (one tumor at 7mm), and I am supposed to have gamma knife as soon as I come back from vacation (tentatively 1st week of Aug).
Generally, I am pretty laid-back and easy-going, so I have been quite accepting of my cancer. People have told me that I have a pretty strong will. Of course, I still get the occasional bad days.
Anyway, I was just surprised at my reaction on Thurs, after meeting with my onc for the 1st time after having had received my recurrence diagnosis. (My nurse was the one who initially relayed my scan results, cuz the onc was on vacation.)
I immediately felt angry & let-down, as I stepped out of her office. I have never been this upset before (except for the original diagnosis, which I kinda feel had happened so long ago). For the 1st time, I was under the impression that my onc seemed to be NOT very optimistic about my cancer, and not quite supportive in our meeting. She usually does not tell me such revealing input (i.e. prognosis, predicted treatment response). So that day, I would guess that she was probably weary & tired from a busy workday, because she just blurted out to me -- and it was NOT in her usual fashion: "Gamma knife would be a good place to treat your current tumor. Eventually, you are expected to be getting more tumors in the brain. So, it is good that you are going on vacation next week, as we do not know what will be happening next year." That caught my attention, big time! But I did not make any remarks to that.
I am very busy -- maybe too busy -- just telling myself to stop feeling frustrated and just move on. Over the weekend, I have been working SO hard to get this turmoil out of my system so that I could just resume my life! I hate it when I know nothing -- like a dumb, stupid kid -- and people DO know something significant and still NOT let me in -- I mean whenever it comes to me, that is.
Now, I am in the process of trying to rid of my upset emotions and I am sort of like, "Oh, heck with it!! Even IF the onc predicts right, I still want to pursue my small / big goals and just go for it!"
Yesterday, my husband gently reminded me to take it easy and be kind to myself. Sometimes I can be hard on myself. Like I decided to go back to school to volunteer as teacher aide. Truthfully, I became a bit more fatigued, after I began school. My whole family thinks I should quit working altogether, and just rest my body for however long needed. But I do wonder if I am being stubborn and too difficult on myself. Is that why my cancer came back? I guess nobody can really know. I am still attending school. I enjoy work (I am a former self-proclaimed workaholic), and I am not one to sit home and twiddle my thumbs.
So, I keep telling myself to quit being frustrated and just move on. It is like, I am at war with myself. Now, I am tired of having a ongoing talk with myself! Ha :-)
How long am I allowed to feel upset, before making another new chapter in my cancer fight?? Just 24 hours? Or a week? Or 3 months??... Am I pushing myself too far?? Am I speeding up too fast?? You tell me!! Any feedback??? Input appreciated! :-)
Thanks! Hugs
PS: I do not mean to send "false alerts" your way with my onc's comments. Please remember that every cancer case is very individualized.
As you may know, I have a new recurrence to the brain (one tumor at 7mm), and I am supposed to have gamma knife as soon as I come back from vacation (tentatively 1st week of Aug).
Generally, I am pretty laid-back and easy-going, so I have been quite accepting of my cancer. People have told me that I have a pretty strong will. Of course, I still get the occasional bad days.
Anyway, I was just surprised at my reaction on Thurs, after meeting with my onc for the 1st time after having had received my recurrence diagnosis. (My nurse was the one who initially relayed my scan results, cuz the onc was on vacation.)
I immediately felt angry & let-down, as I stepped out of her office. I have never been this upset before (except for the original diagnosis, which I kinda feel had happened so long ago). For the 1st time, I was under the impression that my onc seemed to be NOT very optimistic about my cancer, and not quite supportive in our meeting. She usually does not tell me such revealing input (i.e. prognosis, predicted treatment response). So that day, I would guess that she was probably weary & tired from a busy workday, because she just blurted out to me -- and it was NOT in her usual fashion: "Gamma knife would be a good place to treat your current tumor. Eventually, you are expected to be getting more tumors in the brain. So, it is good that you are going on vacation next week, as we do not know what will be happening next year." That caught my attention, big time! But I did not make any remarks to that.
I am very busy -- maybe too busy -- just telling myself to stop feeling frustrated and just move on. Over the weekend, I have been working SO hard to get this turmoil out of my system so that I could just resume my life! I hate it when I know nothing -- like a dumb, stupid kid -- and people DO know something significant and still NOT let me in -- I mean whenever it comes to me, that is.
Now, I am in the process of trying to rid of my upset emotions and I am sort of like, "Oh, heck with it!! Even IF the onc predicts right, I still want to pursue my small / big goals and just go for it!"
Yesterday, my husband gently reminded me to take it easy and be kind to myself. Sometimes I can be hard on myself. Like I decided to go back to school to volunteer as teacher aide. Truthfully, I became a bit more fatigued, after I began school. My whole family thinks I should quit working altogether, and just rest my body for however long needed. But I do wonder if I am being stubborn and too difficult on myself. Is that why my cancer came back? I guess nobody can really know. I am still attending school. I enjoy work (I am a former self-proclaimed workaholic), and I am not one to sit home and twiddle my thumbs.
So, I keep telling myself to quit being frustrated and just move on. It is like, I am at war with myself. Now, I am tired of having a ongoing talk with myself! Ha :-)
How long am I allowed to feel upset, before making another new chapter in my cancer fight?? Just 24 hours? Or a week? Or 3 months??... Am I pushing myself too far?? Am I speeding up too fast?? You tell me!! Any feedback??? Input appreciated! :-)
Thanks! Hugs
PS: I do not mean to send "false alerts" your way with my onc's comments. Please remember that every cancer case is very individualized.