Searching for a meaning???

[nikki uk]

Hi,
I don't post too often but when i need a helping hand or a kick up the rear this is where i come now, (hope you don't mind), but i know alot of you guys on here are fairly religious and have alot of faith in god, the thing is, and this is gonna sound stupid, i'm desperatley trying to find a faith i can lay my heart to, i was brought up non denomination and im lost if you know what i mean? i would love to have the beliefs and reassurance you guys have, it feels as though something is missing, do you understand?? i hope you do, because i really need to have some kind of belief system, i don't know where to start, i have ample churches and synagouges and temples around me but i can't just walk in, i feel so shy and inferior....this must seem like a strange post but i know i can come here for advise, i know you guys will enlighten me somehow, i know so many people with a belief in god who have overcome thier fears, i just want that kind of comfort you know? please help me see some kind of meaning to all of this, i would be so grateful to hear from others and especially thier beleif systems.
Sorry to be a pain, im in limbo land right now, looking for an outlet, and if anyone knows the meaning of life please let me know.
Love you all Nikki (stage 2 her2+++ 7/14 nodes grade2) x x x x

[Anonymous]

Start with a non-denominal church??? Look up in your phone directory and scan the list of any non-denominal churches nearby your home.

Remember, you can always walk in and come out anytime you want. Churches are not supposed to 'chain ya with a ball'! :-)

Or browse through a bookstore for books on inspiration & faith.

[al from Canada]

Dear Nikki,
Sounds like you are having a hell of a time. First of all, I think you look great and shouldn't be embarassed to go to the beach, (from your previous post)or compare yourself to others! We all know the feeling of being down, in fact, I don't think there is one person on this board who couldn't teach a course on it.
We are not religious but do find strength in love of family and in continuing to "normalize" our day-to-day lives. There are many things that brought us happiness pre-B.C. that we have lost. Some are lost forever yet most are not. Try to focus on changing what you can, not mourning what is gone or things you can't change.
On a clinical side, if you are not on anti-depressants, consider asking your onc for some. Ativan is good for accute attacks.
Please work on the positive, remember that your are not the only soldier in the war and focus on family.
I saw the picture of your son and all I can say is: "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree".
All the best,
Al

[Linda in Calif]

Hi Nikki: Something you might try is telling your friends exactly what you posted...that you would like to "sample" various religions to see if something felt right for you. Then ask them if you could attend a "service" with them when they go to their place of worship. At least that way you wouldn't feel all alone. The suggestion to read about religion was also good...there's LOTS on the inter-net. Another thing you might do is take a Religion course at a Community College or University. You could just audit the class lectures and not have to worry about writing papers...it's also a great way to meet new people. Hope this helps, Linda

[Isabelle]

Nicki,
Sounds like you are really searching to make sense of all this. Having cancer can prod you on to develop a greater understanding of yourself and life and that is a good thing about cancer.

Organized religion is not the answer for everyone but it does feel nice to be part of a community, with other people who more or less share your outlook and quest for a meaningful life. One added benefit is they will help you when you need it and you can help them.

So many of us were raised in a religious tradition and find going back to it is comforting.

I have always been on the outside looking in at religions, never felt comfortable in the one I was given as a child.

I find spiritual fulfillment most often in nature: under the stars at night, on walk in a quiet woods, or empty beach in winter time. I see then that I am tiny and just part of something enormous. Still working on this and won't stop until I do.

P.S. Definitely try an antidepressant for a while. This experience throws you for a loop, disrupting your brain chemistry. Celexa was a good one for me. Take it in the morning! It helped me stop being in a tearful panic so I could get on with living and fighting cancer.

[Sandy]

Nikki its good to search. The best thing you can do is read the Bible for your anwers its all there. There are lots of good books at the Christian book stores that can explain the Bible to you. The NIV is a good version and easy to read. I attend an American Bapist Church its not too strict or liberal. The people are very supportive, nonjudgemental, which is what need, we are not perfect. I hope this helps if you would like the names of some books that my help you let me know. If you don't have a Christain book store near you you can get them off the Amazon.com. There is plenty of help out there. I don't know what your country's main religion is. I have found much comfort and hope in my church and would not trade it for anything else. I believe there is life after death and we will get a new body that will be perfect!! Mine never had been any good for years!! Hugs, Sandy

[Rozebud]

There is some good advice here.

Myself, I am Catholic. Don't expect any religion to give you a really plausible reason for pain and suffering - I truly don't believe one exists that WE will understand while on earth. I believe Christ suffered and died so that we could have salvation - and up on the cross, heck, HE even asked "My God, My God, Why Have you Foresaken me?" If Christ can ask, and He WAS God, then I figure it's ok for us to ask too, right?? :)

I can't imagine not having faith and belief there is something beyond this. Everyone dies eventually - no matter whate. Everyone. It's just timing and circumstances that change. I believe that I will go to a better place...at least I know that in my head. Believing it in my heart when I look at my babies and think of them being without their mommy is a different story. But God understands that too. He understands that I get angry and scared and even question Him sometimes.

If God granted the answer to all of our wishes and prayers, we would never long to leave earth and be with Him (not my profound statement, I got it out of "When God Doesn't Make Sense", which is a great book if you are searching for meaning.) Only God knows why the suffering exists, and I hope someday, in heaven, He'll tell me!

On searching for religions, I believe most of GB is Protestant. But there are lots of different avenues for you. I agree with the others on reading - books, in particular. Someone mentioned a website that was Q&A and it told you what religion you should try out? Myself, Catholocism embraces well over 90% of my basic faith. I will pray for you on your journey and your search.

[michele u]

Nikki,
God is already calling you to him it sounds. It doesn't matter what church you go to, it is all in YOUR heart that matters.Read the bible,you will getit yourself there. I was brought up Luthern and my husbands church is Reformed(a branch off presybaterian)I myself listen to alot of christian music.Mercy Me being my favorite since I got to meet them and pray with them. The music touches your heart and i think The Holy Spirit speaks through it. I have also seen an "angel" or something standing beside my bed 3 times before i knew i had cancer. I didn't know then what it was. Then after cancer dx, a friend said she saw the same small child beside her when she was sick with Lukemia. Yes, there is something more then this world, i know that. The hard part is letting God take our lives and run with it, even if it is a cancer dx. Start your bible readings with Job.He suffered alot from God and didn't question him or denounce him, and God redeemed him and let him live a long life. I think the big thing for us as cancer survivors is to surrender our lives to Him no matter what the outcome is. It's hard, I have alot of trouble with that, but i pray when my time on this earth is closing, i will pray to him every second to be with me so i won't be scared. Ask and He will he come, that is what the bible says!

[Kathleen]

I know what you mean about searching for a meaning, our purpose here on earth, and why we have cancer. A book that I would highly recommend is: THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE by Rick Warren. The book encourages you to look to God for the answers to why he created you and his purposes for you. I find it very comforting that our purpose extends far beyond the few years we have here on earth and that we were made to last forever. God has an amazing plan for each of us - here on earth and for eternity. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did and that it helps answer some of your questions. Good Luck.

[Sandy]

The book Kathleen mentioned Purpose Driven Life is an excellent book. Also read the book of John in the Bible it tells what God did for us on the cross and how much he loves us. Praying for your peace. Hugs, Sandy

[Ronda]

My advice would be this. If Jehovahs Witnesses come to your door, invite them in and they will answer your questions from the Bible. Having the answers you are looking for, will give you the hope to endure this horrible disease.

[elisabeth]

Nikki, I do not know where I would be or how I would cope without my faith. I have 2 practical suggestions for you. Read the gospel of John and cry out to God he will listen, he loves you more than any of us can fathom. Look for an Alpha course in you area, you can visit their UK website at www.uk.alphacourse.org . You can find out what it is all about - it is designed for people like yourself and originated in London UK, by Nikki Gumble and is now worldwide.
I will keep you in my prayers.

[Lisa]

Nikki,

First of all, thank you for sharing the photo of you and your adorable son. Quite the handsome pair you make! I encourage everyone to send photos if they're able.

From reading all these posts, it's obvious that each person finds his/her spiritual comfort in varying ways. Personally, my beliefs are in part close to Isabelle's. But I don't discount those who believe differently. It's not unusual, I think, to question many things about life during the cancer journey. It's a time for fear, but can also be a time for enlightenment. I would say to still your body and your mind through meditation, prayer and time in nature. It may take a while to be able to do this easily. But you will find peace, if not answers.

Thank you for opening up about such a contentious topic. And for sharing another side of yourself.

Love and light,

Lisa

[lu Ann]

Dear Nikki, I have thought about you since you posted several weeks ago about your anniversary. I hesitated to post because I didn't want to step on anyones toes about religion. All I can tell you is about a relationship I have with the Lord. It is awesome. I always knew there was a God But I didn't really know Him. I had my own aggenda that did not really include Him until I was diagnosed with a reoccurance of stage 4 BC last February. I have seen many blessings and miracles happen in my life since then. I can't tell you that it has not been a struggle for me, but with Him All Things Are Possible. You are going to get allot of advice from people about religion, so I guess I can tell you what I believe. I am a Bible Believing Born Again Christian. I believe in the Holy Trinity-The Father who is Spirit, The Son who is God As Man, and the Holy Ghost who is God who lives in Us. We are all inferior and come short of God's Glory, but He loves us More then anyone loves us on this earth and He gave his son so that we would be forgiven of our sins. His Son also took 39 stripes on His back to Heal all our sicknesses. Although it sounds easy it is hard to trust in something you have never seen. Accept Christ as your savior, ask God to forgive you of your sins, and invite the Holy Spirit to Live inside of you. I have been watching the following televangelists on TV who have taught me allot about the Bible: John Hagee, Joel Osteen, Billy Graham, Charles Stanley, and Gregg Laurie. You can also look them up on line. The Passion of the Christ is also coming out tomorrow for home viewing. You have made the first step which is a big one. Take Care and God Bless You. Love Lu Ann

[Sandy H.]

AMEN Lu an!! Well said and I agree with it all. I have seen so many amazing things happen since my 3 1/2 years of battling with BC. I was asked to do a presentation at my church on all the amazing things that has happen to me. It was emotional to do but inspirational for so many others. God bless you all. Hugs, Sandy

[lu ann]

Thanks, Sandy. I just came back from getting CT scan of head, chest, abdomin, and pelvis. They said my Dr. should have the report in a couple of days, but I don't have an appt. with him until the 8th. I know I could have moments of anxiety waiting for the results, but I'm going to fight it with God's help. I'm in this for the long haul and I will be having many more tests and scans done in the future. I have to be at the point where I entirely trust God to get through this mentally and emotionally. This was the hardest part for me when I was origionally diagnosed 13 years ago. I would get myself in such a horrible state of mind waiting for test results. I didn't trust my
Doctors and thought they were just out to get my money. I quit going to my oncologist about 5 years after diagnosis. I don't know if she would have caught this metastasis any earlier or not. I try not to dwell on what I didn't do then. It doesn't matter now. What is important is what I can do today. I had a bone scan yesterday which showed improvement, which is another of the many blessings and miracles I have received from God. When I was first diagnosed with reoccurrance I was not going to get any treatment. I thought it was a lost cause. But with the treatment I have had so far and all the prayers that have been prayed for me I have seen this cancer being destroyed. Miracles do happen! Take care and God Bless Everyone. Love Lu Ann.