lauren
09-18-2004, 11:01 AM
i read all of your posts, and they are so beautiful that i am feeling teary, but in a good way. it is so good to know that i am not alone. i knew i wasn't alone, yes, there are many breast cancer patients out there, of course. but i have never been able to find such a wonderful and non-judgemental group and i have never been free to post my own "woes" if they do not deal with death and dying but rather the indignation of a breast cancer lifestyle....the life changes, the family problems, the weight gain, etc....sure, i am happy to be alive and lucky to be alive, but i also feel sorry for myself sometimes that i have this burden to bear. sure, it could be so much worse. but it is MY burden, so it is heavy...know what i mean?
i dont know if i conveyed the desperation that i was feeling earlier. it was even worse than what i wrote. this might sound really sick to you all, but i will admit it: i was starting to idealize dying in a terrorist attack, like 9/11, as a better alternative to having cancer. i started wondering - would i rather have been in the world trade center on 9/11 or have cancer? would i rather be in a concentration camp or have cancer? (i am jewish and i live in new york, so these things are close to my heart and mind)...pretty scary to think such thoughts, right?
one of you asked me about my spiritual life. i am jewish, as i said. but i also study buddhism as part of my yoga practice. i also study the hindu gods at times as well as read poetry and mythology. i went to a 2 hour advanced yoga practice today, and after 1 hour and 45 minutes, i found myself sobbing. it's not so out of the ordinary to cry during yoga, particularly after a really long class, and particularly during and after practicing forward bends. in this case, i had just practiced a wide-legged straddle, folding forward at the hips, and i had placed a soft bolster on the floor so that my torso could sink into it (i am very flexible in forward bends)...well, that was all it took...the feeling of sinking into that pillow, the feeling of being held....and it didn't hurt that the teacher was playing k.d. lang's hymnal version of "after the gold rush"....there i was, sobbing into my pillow.
and then i wasn't sobbing...and i finished my practice, and i came home and made my kids pancakes for dinner, and i drank a strawberry banana smoothie for my own dinner, and i felt pretty good again....
ah mood swings...
i am very happy to be alive. i am very happy i was not in the towers on 9/11. i am very happy i live in the USA in 2004 and not Poland in 1944. i am very UNLUCKY to have gotten breast cancer, but i realized today that it is a TESTAMENT to my survival and how far i have come that i have finally begun to feel "why me" all over again, as opposed to "why not me"...."why not me" was when breast cancer was my LIFE, when my treatment was my entire existence, when the abnormal seemed normal. being back to "why me" feels kind of crappy, but it means that i am dwelling among the "untouched" population again, the "uninitiated". i want to stay here, badly...
my throat is tightening up again, and i feel a little teary. but it's better now.
thanks for listening....thanks for your offers to email with me. you should be very proud of your generosity, your love and your ability to support....
lauren
i dont know if i conveyed the desperation that i was feeling earlier. it was even worse than what i wrote. this might sound really sick to you all, but i will admit it: i was starting to idealize dying in a terrorist attack, like 9/11, as a better alternative to having cancer. i started wondering - would i rather have been in the world trade center on 9/11 or have cancer? would i rather be in a concentration camp or have cancer? (i am jewish and i live in new york, so these things are close to my heart and mind)...pretty scary to think such thoughts, right?
one of you asked me about my spiritual life. i am jewish, as i said. but i also study buddhism as part of my yoga practice. i also study the hindu gods at times as well as read poetry and mythology. i went to a 2 hour advanced yoga practice today, and after 1 hour and 45 minutes, i found myself sobbing. it's not so out of the ordinary to cry during yoga, particularly after a really long class, and particularly during and after practicing forward bends. in this case, i had just practiced a wide-legged straddle, folding forward at the hips, and i had placed a soft bolster on the floor so that my torso could sink into it (i am very flexible in forward bends)...well, that was all it took...the feeling of sinking into that pillow, the feeling of being held....and it didn't hurt that the teacher was playing k.d. lang's hymnal version of "after the gold rush"....there i was, sobbing into my pillow.
and then i wasn't sobbing...and i finished my practice, and i came home and made my kids pancakes for dinner, and i drank a strawberry banana smoothie for my own dinner, and i felt pretty good again....
ah mood swings...
i am very happy to be alive. i am very happy i was not in the towers on 9/11. i am very happy i live in the USA in 2004 and not Poland in 1944. i am very UNLUCKY to have gotten breast cancer, but i realized today that it is a TESTAMENT to my survival and how far i have come that i have finally begun to feel "why me" all over again, as opposed to "why not me"...."why not me" was when breast cancer was my LIFE, when my treatment was my entire existence, when the abnormal seemed normal. being back to "why me" feels kind of crappy, but it means that i am dwelling among the "untouched" population again, the "uninitiated". i want to stay here, badly...
my throat is tightening up again, and i feel a little teary. but it's better now.
thanks for listening....thanks for your offers to email with me. you should be very proud of your generosity, your love and your ability to support....
lauren