Gemcarb girl reports

[Joy]

Happy Halloween to all the ghosts and goblins out there! I chose not to scare you all as breast cancer is scary enough. I hope there is a high cute factor in your neighborhoods tonight. We have a 12 year old pumpkin queen and a 9 year old prison escapee at our house this year. A lot of excitement and orange hairspray and late night sewing lately. Luca has a 7 year old witchy-poo and a 10 year old Bob Marley-lively up yo-self.

I had my 2nd round of Gem/Carb/Herc/Zometa-decadron/aloxi. Is it not amazing how much crap we can dump into someone's body in one sitting? Sometimes just the thought makes me feel sick.

This time was harder than last, which was largely unexpected. *OH* the really good news, however, was that my platelets recovered beautifully (no small prayer of thanks there). So I was able to have the full dose of Gem. That night I was fine, but by the next day-ugh. I felt so fluish (chills pain, fatigue, blah, blah). My body hurt everywhere and I was somewhat nauseous and stayed in bed all day-which i don't like to do, especially since we are having BEAUTIFUL weather.

Then the next day (yesterday) was less pain, but more mild nausea and fatigue. Today is a bit better, but man is my brain fuzzy. I feel so demented and ungrounded. Anyone else feel like that with chemo side effects? Tummy is a bit sensitive too still. I get this other sensation of my guts being filled with cement. It has been awhile since I really felt chemo sick (thank goodness), but man does it bring back memories and emotions. I always get so emotionally tender when I feel like that. Like I am losing this battle. It is far less pronounced when I feel better, but the last few days I have cried on just about everyone. And when people do nice things for me, I just fall apart. Especially when it comes to helping my girls.

So I am feeling a little down about how much more my body can handle before it just gives up. I just start picturing my girls' lives without me. My wonderful man feeling sad and wishing he'd never started up with me. My cats without their favorite pillow (me). My family who has given so much for me to make it and then having to go through all my junk. Then I think I should get my affairs in order-which really would just involve a dumpster.

See what a goofball I am. And despite feeling so lucky as I mentioned before and knowing that I am, I get pretty mad at life sometimes and just really don't understand why. I hate to jinx the goodness as it can always be worse, but da%*it, this feels pretty bad.

I am very curious about Novalis for liver mets and have been looking at sites, etc. I think University of Colorado does this. What I can't seem to find is what determines a patient's eligibility with regard to tumors i.e. #/size/location. I would like to think that if this combo works and we get shrinkage then maybe I could get them zapped and buy some more time. And 'buy' it we do-don't we? Does anyone know that information?

And has anyone ever had a discussion over their CT's regarding tumor related cirrhosis? I have some of that and it scares me.

On a fun note, Luca took me to Steamboat Springs this last weekend for a quick trip. We soaked and soaked in Strawberry Springs-so beautiful. And ate and ate. The drive was beautiful and the weather sunny and warm. And when we were waiting on my platelet numbers he said, "If they are good, we will just have to repeat all that we did this last week on your next week off." Then they came back on the high end of normal so we are excited about a prescription for a cabin in Steamboat-you know the one insurance will pay for? And a lot more soaking in hot springs and dining out. So we got that going for us

Thanks for letting me vent about the same old stuff and I hope that today is full of fun for all!