Messed up emotionally

kvogler · 12-06-2013, 08:12 PM

Well, I'm several months shy of being a year done with all my treatment--the whole shebang chemo, rads, surgery, herceptin.....and someone I know near my age found a lump and was scared she was going to have to go down my road. Now, I don't wish this on anyone, but when she found out she really did just have the cyst that doctors in the beginning thought I had but didn't, I guess I got jealous or something. She's celebrating and telling me how doctors assured her it wasn't going to be cancer because someone like me was the exception. (She didn't mean to be hurtful but dang--made me feel like a freak.) I got this fairly young (36) and had to deal with an infant daughter at the same time as treatment. This friend is childless and doesn't have as many responsibilities as I do. I feel bad for feeling this and I feel like I just don't fit anywhere. Just venting and needing support from people who have or had cancer. Guess I'll start going back to the old therapist again since this reopened issues for this gal.

suzan w · 12-06-2013, 09:40 PM

Nothing like cancer to reopen all our issues again...and slam us with a while new pile of them as well. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way...of course you must know that you should be feeling great that you have just come through the year from hell...add some holidays and, well, there you have it!! You are overwhelmed with all that you have been through. During treatment we are busy getting through each day/ hour. Then...no more treatments... and no more normal. Surviving cancer puts us into a whole new realm. Gone is our innocence. Gone are the daydreams. Cancer is one of the big 'wake up calls' It will always be there in the background.
My emotional well-being will never be the same. That is what support groups are for! Support!! We have all walked this scary cancer path...and lost some great friends along the way. You are not alone with the way you are feeling. Take time to recognize all the hard work you have done...and with a baby!!! Yay You!!!

Saygoon · 12-07-2013, 09:18 PM

Don't feel guilty for "feeling you feelings" I think we all feel a little jealous at times that others get to live normal lives. To go thru all you have and with a baby - well baby you need to celebrate how strong you are!

Jackie07 · 12-07-2013, 10:28 PM

I am childless...

I have had cancer ...

I did not complete the (one year Herceptin) treatment ...

Allow yourself to be happy (that you have a child and you have completed your cancer treatment) while allowing your friend to be happy (that she doesn't have cancer even though she doesn't have a child - 'Childless'/nuliparity is known to be one of the risk factors of breast cancer.)

Here's a link of a new test that can detect breast cancer 10 years before development: http://unspokencures.com/2013/12/04/...e-development/ You probably have had the BRCA genes test done since you've been diagnosed with breast cancer at a fairly young age. And you are probably famiiar with the coalition site: http://www.youngsurvival.org/ Please share the information with your friend as you are in the same age group.

Always focus on the 'here and now'. Treasure what we have/have achieved and celebrate every day.

sarah · 12-08-2013, 06:14 AM

Hello,
I agree with the others, be happy and happy you have a little girl.
People say the darndest things - my neighbor has MS and keeps saying how lucky I am to only have cancer!!! I've told her it's ok to say that to me but please never say it to anyone else with cancer! we certainly don't feel lucky! I also had someone (not a child!) ask me if it was contagious!!!! People would like to think that cancer is a rare disease, unfortunately it isn't but because it isn't, there is lots of work on it to find a cure and to help keep us alive and able to enjoy life. Your friend didn't mean to be thoughtless, she's just so relieved not to have cancer. Stay well and enjoy life and your family. Treatments over, time to get back to your real life.
hugs
sarah

Becky · 12-08-2013, 06:25 AM

I am sure your friend wasn't thinking. I remember when I found my lump, I was petrified. Totally numb - more numb than when they told me it was cancer. The unknown part is terrifying and then being told its nothing serious is a giddy relief (I guess as none of us were in that spot).

People do say stupid things. For example, Herceptin wasn't available when I was having chemo but right after radiation was over it was. So I was going to be getting Herceptin alone. I had done chemo and radiation but had to tell my boss about the Herceptin when "everything was done and over". When I told him all about it, he said, "are you going to die"? My heart skipped 5 beats but somehow I recovered fast and said, "yes, I am going to die and you are too. Everybody dies". I just about think he swallowed his tongue. So, anyway, not everyone is smart. That's the bottom line - not everyone is smart.

valleygirl · 12-08-2013, 09:22 AM

Love that Becky!!! yes, not everyone is smart.
I think we all experienced some type of ignorance in our journey.
Please don't let other people distract you from what's important to you
and how you feel.

Denise

BonnieR · 12-08-2013, 11:56 AM

It's human nature to feel what you do. Just as it is for your friend to feel as she does. It is unfortunate she verbalized it as she did!
I remember when I was first diagnosed feeling "so I'm going to be the 'friend with cancer' the first one in my circle to get it". I felt a little isolated for awhile. Like a leper. But it passed when I realized that no one is immune from catastrophe It was just my turn. The cards I was dealt. I found kindred spirits here on this Board. And knew my situation was not so abnormal at all!
Keep the faith

Andrea Barnett Budin · 12-08-2013, 04:52 PM

Oh the list is long. Having lunch with another couple who know well my situation -- 4th stage bc, mastectomy, chemo, blah, blah... She rattles on and on about the doc telling her she needs a breast reduction and how upsetting this is. b/c her breasts are her friends, and she loves them, just the way they are.

Guess tram flap reconstruction wouldn't please her either, or fighting for your life...

Then there are the ones speaking of their implants and saying how happy they are with these oversized in my opinion boobs. And I think, oh how I'd wished I could have been a candidate for implants but they couldn't save the skin...

And I recall how the nurses told me, encouragingly that I would have even better boobs after the implants (not knowing I wasn't a candidate).

One friend asked in '95, What stage are you? And I couldn't answer. My husband told her 4th stage. She said, I don't even know -- how many stages are there?? Again, I was mute (which is really odd for me). Paul said, 4... There are only 4 stages. And she gasped, OH...!!!

In '98, after the bc metastasized throughout my liver, friends would ask, You're still on chemotherapy?!!! How long do you have to stay on it?? And I'd pause, and then say -- forever. And their faces would go pale and their eyes glaze...

I had been told in '98 that what I had was inoperable, incurable and that I would be on long-term chemotherapy for the rest of my life. I did 10 yrs of Herceptin. Have been 5 yrs off and remain stable.

The insensitivity is endless. Dumbness knows no bounds.

Some "friends" would hide from me in different aisles in the supermarket or drug store. They didn't know what to say... It was too upsetting to them. Made them think of their aunt.

These "friends" were always there with a big hug when they'd see me previously. Always up to ask for a favor. And then they dumped me.

I am over such people.

We here, have one another, and that helps enormously. All the posts above have so much wisdom to offer.

There is just no excuse for ignorance and lack of compassion. The self-absorbed aren't going to change.

Are you going to die? Not for a long while is my answer. I plan on living... Hope you'll keep me company, ladies.

With Love and Light,
Andi

Catherine · 12-08-2013, 08:27 PM

So sorry that you are feeling bummed out. I think all of us can relate stories that hurt our feelings during or after treatment. Just another good reason to come to our Her2 site and check in with your buddies. Completing chemo and taking care of an infant, now that is an accomplishment. You will get stronger every year. In the meantime there will probably be more instances that rattle you and make you feel cheated or unhappy. Just know that these feelings will pass. Acknowledge it and then shake it off. Surround yourself with really dear friends. A counselor is a good idea too. Too bad you can't just move close to Andi....she keeps us all up. Go Andi....you continue to be an inspiration.

Hugs,

SusanN · 12-08-2013, 08:27 PM

Andi...THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your post meant sooooo VERY, VERY, VERY much to me...truly, spoken right to my heart...I've been going through so much of what you hit on!!! Friends "were" so curious from the beginning...then...POOF...hmmmm........THANK YOU!!!!

sarah · 12-09-2013, 12:19 AM

maybe we need a special post of the stupid things people say! and some good retorts!!!
I must say though that most of my friends were fantastic through it all and sent me to hospital with audio books which was a brilliant idea.

StephN · 12-09-2013, 01:16 AM

This is a phase on this trip around the cancer ward. Like Becky says, not everyone is smart. And even "Smart" people are not "smart" ALL the time - they do have lapses. For most of our friends in the BC (Before Cancer) world, this is new territory. It is also complex territory on many levels. We "patients" just have to dive in and try to get up to speed as it is OUR very lives at stake. While our friends and families just come from whatever little real knowledge or experience they have and basically fumble around.

We have to take some of that fumbling around until things and people shake out. And shake they do!

Going through a cancer diagnosis and treatment is like writing our Magnum Opus, it is a huge project to make the effort to save our own lives.

You really are NOT the one who is "messed up."

Lien · 12-09-2013, 03:22 AM

I think your feelings are totally understandable. I think that once we have faced a cancer diagnosis emotions pop up that we never expected to. They are fine. They may not be noble, but hey, we've earned the right not to be noble. We faced what we thought was a death sentence. Would I change places with those who didn't? Ofcourse! Did I get over these not so noble feelings? You bet. But those first couple of years were a rollercoaster of emotions. Do not beat yourself up over feeling the way you do. This too shall pass.

And if you can, enjoy your kid. It helps. Mine were 3, 8, 12 and 16 at the time, and I was so scared that I wouldn't see them grow up that I spent as much time with them as I could.

Oh, and celebrate the fact that you are an entirely normal, honest, human being.

Hugs

Jacqueline

Jen · 12-10-2013, 03:45 PM

I don't have cancer I lost my Mom Sheila 1 year ago today. She was diagnosed with BC in 2002 reoccured a year later and was in CONTINUAL tx until her body could no longer take it anymore. Gals like StephN and Andi were diagnosed BEFORE she was and they are still here but my Mom isn't there are also gals who were diagnosed after my Mom who passed away before she did. Should I be jealous of your daughter because she still has a Mother who is alive and I don't? The answer is NO. Don't be jealous or resentful be THANKFUL that your friend doesnt have to go through what you have gone through.

Coux92 · 12-10-2013, 05:13 PM

Kvogler, I get it! I watched a good friend of mine go through all of this at age 33 with a toddler and a husband that was of almost no support. Fast forward ~ 9 years, now it's me at age 48, 16 yr old son and a wonderful husband, Tim. I'm alway wondering "how did she do it". You are amazing!! Please don't take her comments to heart. I'm sure she is oblivious to how she made her friend feel. Mostly, CONGRATULATIONS on completing treatment. I think I may go through some real strong emotional stuff once I'm done too. Our focus is so on treatment, that when it's done emotions will run high.
Prayers and good health to you!

fauxgypsy · 12-17-2013, 09:56 PM

Acknowledge your feelings and move on. It is easy for others to say what you should feel. What you felt is not right or wrong. It is what you felt. By now you probably feel differently. Sometimes it is just hard.

evergreen · 12-18-2013, 09:29 AM

There is no end to the comments made by others which are insensitive. I think that only those who have lived through the cancer experience truly get what is feels like to know that you could be facing the end of the only life you have. Bottom line, even for those who love you the most, it is not possible to understand how this feels. I think it is the adult version of a child finding out that there is no Santa Claus.
I remember feeling the huge sense of despair when I first found out. I remember feeling excluded even when I was at a small gathering of friends that had been planned in my honour. I felt different. I felt as if I belonged to a club that I had been forced to join. And now the worries and concerns of others and even my own past worries and concerns seemed trivial and nonsensical.
I have a friend who is a psychologist and frequently run things by her when I feel guilty about my feelings. She reminds me constantly that I have a right to my feelings, that I should share my feelings by speaking them out loud to people i love and trust, and that there should be no guilt about doing so. You have a right to feel angry and frustrated, although of course we all do better if we try to stay positive and try to live in the moment and try to take the best out of each day. I try to do this. I'm not always successful. But we are need to keep on trying. Good luck to you and don't feel feel guilty!

CoolBreeze · 12-18-2013, 09:52 PM

I'm sure she had no idea that her words were hurtful. But it's good you are not denying your anger and your feelings - that's a positive step. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. Now just take them a step farther.

As a person with metastatic disease, I sometimes envy people like you, who got the disease, got through treatment, and got to go on with their lives. (Yes, I know it can come back but the possibility and the reality are not the same thing, not even close). I never made it a year past treatment and have been in therapy four years continuously - four years of chemo, surgeries, hospitalizations, treatments, all just to extend my life a little. My goal is to see my son graduate high school - he was 12 when I was diagnosed.

You probably had no idea that a metastatic women could be bothered by your complaint, right?

(I'm not bothered, just putting things in perspective). We all have bad things happen to us and the person next to us might have something worse. That's just the way life is. You can't be bitter about what happened to you - look what you can do - raise a child, do treatment, find the beauty in life while going through all of that. You did an amazing thing and you should be proud of yourself.

So, forgive her. Be happy for her, because you definitely don't want her to have to go through what you did, right? I don't want you to go through what I've gone through. It is not easy dying while you have a teenager either.

People live their lives and they are not thinking about your situation all the time, nor are they able to understand what they haven't experienced. If your friend and you have too many differences because you are in different places (she childless) than that is normal - people grow apart.

I think therapy is a good idea for every woman who has been through a cancer experience. It does change you but it shouldn't be forever. At some point, you have to get back to a regular life and not be thinking of yourself as the person with cancer, and therapy can help with that. Yes, you had a rough time. It's over now, so try to enjoy your baby and your life the way it is, and think about what you have accomplished.

*hugs*