I've got the zaptron blues...

[SoCalGal]

Well, today is day (8) of radiation. The middle of week 2 and next week they start "the boost". Started seeing the zaptron blush, and along with it started feeling the anxiety and depression that accompanies the realization of having "some" cancer. I use the word some, because it helps me to remember that there is a lot more of my body without it than with it.

In theory, this radiation will arrest the manubrium and sternum area mets. With my lungs stable, and my brain stable, that would mean disease stable. Disease stable...a reason to feel fortunate. Wish I could get there. Right now I am just sad, that once again, I walk those friggin' long halls and see all the suffering and fear, every day. I want to hold meetings with all the blue-gowned people, to tell them that they will make it through. It's just a freaky insert into my day and I have to shift/snap from my day into cancer world and then snap out. I am not really snapping out like I'd like.

AND I had to find another home for my dog, Beau. Because he is a resue, he should only have one handler, and I cannot handle him all alone. I've had two friends of my kids walking him, which was great for all, except an incident occured which un-nerved us all and made me realize that he really needs absolute consistancy of a single handler. I cannot manage him alone. A trainer I've known for 10 years wants him so it's a good situation for him and she immediately saw what a love he is. For me it feels like another loss due to cancer. I'm so attached to him but I've done my best for the past 4 1/2 months. He's rehabiliated from his surgery (when I got him he could barely stand without splaying out) and he's healthy, no longer under-nourished, his coat is shiney and fairly well-trained. Win-win except for me it feels like a lose-lose.

Did I mention that my hair is falling out again? Not in chunks like on adria but shedding, all of a sudden looking thin, like on carbo/gem or both times right after my kids were born. Hormones no doubt. Probably the connection to my near-daily headaches. And I'm hot flashing. How many times can a girl go thru menopause? This would probably have been my natural time to start, all of my girlfriends are flashing now, too. Hello 52.

Well, I sure didn't mean for this to be so long, but my honey has been out of the country for a week, so maybe I just needed a place to speak my mind and my heart.

It's Wednesday. Will pray today, extra hard.
Love,
Flori

[PinkGirl]

Sori Flori ... for everything ... the blues, Beau Beau, being back in the
hallways with the blue-gowned people ... bummer.

I know you're just in a slump that you'll be able to drag your sori-self out
of.... I know you can do. Thanks for venting on us ... that's what we're
here for, so I'm told.

Hang in there FloriGirl. You will get through this just like you've done
before. I have faith in you!

Very happy that you've found a good home for Beau. Will you able to
visit him there????

My parting words to you:


Whoo oooh
Whoo oooh
I'm on fire
I'm on fire



I know there's a pot of gold for me
All I got to do is just believe
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
And I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhcjRoU0C7g

[WomanofSteel]

Flori I think Pink has the right idea. Maybe you need to put on some happy dancin' music and do your own neutron dance! Nothin' like a little music to pick ya up! Hang in there kiddo!

[Shobha]

Flori,

Hang in there, soon your honey will be back and you will feel much better. Him being away, thought of losing beau and fighting this battle once again must be draining but you really are such an inspiration to me. I am 41 with kids that are 6 and almost 5 now. I think of you each time when I feel fear or get weak and draw strength from your fight to stay alive and raise your kids! Kudos to you.

Praying hard for you to feel better soon and for your wry sense of humor to kick in again!

hugs,
shobha

[chrisy]

Oh Flori,
You sound really tired. Or maybe it's just that I'M really tired...my hubby just took off Monday night for 3 weeks trekking in Nepal, and when he's gone I just feel so alone. I mean hey, its supposed to be all about me, right? Where's my main hug-man when I need him? So Flori, it really does make a difference when our peeps are not around to hold us up.

But of course, WE are here to hold each other up so I'm glad you dropped in.

You are so special and so strong - even when you don't feel strong, you still know there's a place outside of cancerland where you belong.

I agree with Pink and WOS, charge up some happy music and curl up until you just can't keep yourself from dancing. Hang in there.
Chris

[Mary Jo]

Just wanting to send you a big hug........a love from my heart that only another "sister" can give and my prayers to surround you.

Love to you Flori..............

Mary Jo

[tricia keegan]

Flori,

Just sending hugs and sympathy to you, I'm sorry about beau but how wonderful you've found him a safe secure home. I hope you can visit him.
I love Pinks reply to you, took me back years and I'll be humming that song all night lol...thanks Pink!

[MJo]

Sounds like Beau is recovered and feeling his oats and is testing us humans. Sounds like he's a real Alpha and needs a strong handler. I think if you had him more than just 4 1/2 months and if you'd been able to work out who's the boss, things would have gone better. But you need to take it easy now, not train a tough boy. He's a real beauty and I'm not surprised a dog trainer wants him. She recognizes quality. She'll be able to teach that naughty boy that he's not the boss.

Take it easy. FInish treatment and get better.

[Sheila]

Flori
sounds like cancer has a strange hold on both of us this week...its crazy how we survive this emotional roller coaster, endure the weird hairdos, dry pale skin, hot flashes, and still find things to be happy about....so sorry to hear about Beau, but happy you were able to place him with someone who will love and care for him...like you needed this stress on top of everything else...
you need a radiation vacation....something I used to say when i worked at Nuclear Power Plants
Take Pink Girls Advice...listen to some good oldies, think positive thoughts, know that we are all here for you/ and if it makes you feel any better, I feel way older than the 57 i am right now....way older.....time to put the tunes on....

[Jean]

Hi Flori,
I was just thinking about Beau and how lucky he was to have you taking the best care of him for 4 1/2 months
which is a win win for both of you. You have the joy of knowing that because of you, your kind love and attention he is thriving.

Being a dog lover myself I understand how the decison to give him to the trainer was not an easy one, but again because of you he is doing so well. Hopefully you will be able to visit with him.

Have good thoughts on what a great accomplishment you have reached with Beau. Good thoughts will help chase out those blues along with the good music.
Plus your honey will be home soon.

You are a strong fighter and even the best fighter needs some R and R !

Hugs,
Jean

[caya]

Oh Flori, morning glory - what's the story?
We're not sorry that you are venting here. That's what this site is fory (lol- had to throw that in...)

Be strong, we are all with you as you walk down those hallways...

all the best
caya

[ElaineM]

A hug to you when you need it .
Take care of yourself and remember you are a strong person and you will get through this, so hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other and go for it !!

[Mary Anne in TX]

Morning, Flori!
I'm sure hoping for bluer skies and more peaceful thoughts for you today. Lots of love, ma

[schoolteacher]

Flori,

Hope you feel better today. I am so sorry about Beau.

Amelia

[Believe51]

Flori, I am so sorry that you are in such tough circumstannces. Like I said in Sheila's thread, I wish sometimes that I could jump on a plane just to give a hug.

Beau is one lucky boy to have been loved and cared for by you. This decision was probally just as hard to come up with as what to do next cancerwise. It saddens me to hear that you can not care for him like you ideally want to. You have tried to give him your all but it cannot be balanced. Sometimes choices are made for us, unfair as that sounds. It takes on hell of a person to admit that you can not give him the care you feels he deserves. I cried for you when I heard what you need to do. I cried not only for Beau but for your loss as well.

Well Girlie, two more days left of radiation, maybe one after this post. I appreciated how you worded that the cancer is not everywhere. Ed really needed your post last night. Once more he is at those same crossroads. I do not ever compare one journey with another, they are all tailored differently. Yet, sometimes when I read your honest feelings, I see my husband in your words. You have helped him more than you shall ever know.

I am sending you special positive thoughts and some healing prayers for today. You are always in my heart and your adoption into my heart has made me a better caregiver for my best friend. Before I go I want to say that we are still planning to dance with NED together. Get your dancing shoes ready and polished woman!! I love you like a sister, Flori and Ed and I are blessed to know such a special person.

Also, as I read your post I shuttered to think where we would all be without one another. Ewww, I cannot even go there!>>Believe51

[mmoons]

Flori-

What a selfless, loving thing you did for Beau! You did what you thought was best for him even though it must just break your heart daily missing him. You're amazing! I read your posts and think about how strong you are. I am sorry you have the blues but I hope you can just have them and take a break from being a warrior. Like Jean said "even the best fighter needs R & R". Tomorrow is a new day and new perspectvie and renewed hope & energy. I am praying that you feel better soon and that your honey is back quickly and feeds your soul with all the wonderful things you need and deserve right now.

Love,
Maureen

[Carolyns]

Hi Flori,

Thank you for posting your thoughts. I am sorry that you are having a rough time. Your foster dog was very lucky to have you and it seems like he was good company to you. I guess when you put yourself out there you run the risk of hurting a bit when it is time to let go... I know that I don't even have the courage to put myself out there.

As for the ups and downs of this emotional roller coaster... it is so strange to walk in these two worlds. Sometimes I feel like I have one foot on the dock and the other in a small boat that is floating away... struggling to keep from falling in the water... and straining to keep standing. I go from the board listening to heart wrenching stories to the real world listening to folks go on and on about a bad hair day - I think, "any day with hair can be a good hair day".

Flori, You are such an inspiration. I hope that you are feeling better but I know that sometimes it is harder than other times to pick yourself up.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Hope, Peace, Carolyn

[Laurel]

Dear Worried and Weary Flori,

After reading these many posts I asked God what I should say to you. He whispered immediately, "tell her I love her."

God loves you, Flori.

He loves, loves, loves, loves, loves YOU.

[Gerri]

Flori,

Hope the blues are long gone and you are feeling better. I hated radiation and the daily trips to the same place - felt like it lasted forever.

Hope your honey comes home soon and makes things right again.

[Joan M]

Hi Flori,

I agree with how you feel. My goal this year is try to stay out of the hospital. Just hold on until the end of treatment. Then you can "rest" for awhile being stable.

I'm sorry to hear about Beau, but I know you were a good mother and helped him a lot.

Hugs,

Joan