good news on gemzar & sobering questions

[Pam P]

I say my oncologist yesterday. I've been on gemzar now since mid-Feb. My ca2729 is down from 598 to 390!!! Yeah, the new treatment of gemzar/herceptin is working! I pray it continues to work for a LONG time.

I've been exploring the possibility of applying for medical disability. No easy answers. I talked about this with my onc. for the 1st time yesterday. I'm 57 and am weighing the choices of working till age 62 or 65 & retiring or disability. I made a statement about will I be alive at 65 to retire and his response was (I dont' remember his exact words) but don't count on it, not likely. Damn! There is it - reality of this damn disease. Not that I don't know that this is a terminal illness, I know the stats, etc, but I think I put myself in this false sense of safety that I'm going to survive. I've made it almost 8 years now, most of that time with bone mets, I've been pretty stable, feel well, mostly, although ups & downs of course caused I think more by chemo s/e than the cancer itself. I try to have a long view of life like planning for retirement. Is that normal, denial, or what? When I think of short term - being dead a year or two or more or less I go to panic mode so I go back into my shell and deny that. How do the rest of you with stage 4 deal with this?


About possible disability, this is what I know. My onc. said I would qualify with cancer & chemo & he'd be able to document that for me. According to my benefit package at work I'd have to fill out tons of paper work & wait to see if I qualify. Approval could take about 5 months. I would have to already be out from work while I'm waiting. (I quess working while waiting to be approved as unable to work isn't logical.) Once approved I would get about 2/3 of my current salary. The disability is reviewed each year. I would have this until retirement age. I don't know how I'd get by on only 2/3 of my salary - I don't live extravagently now & don't know what I'd cut. I sure don't want to have to move to a tiny box somewhere or give up other things especially if I wasn't working & had more time on my hands. I feel fine most of the time (except last winter when I had that long bout of infection etc) so I don't feel I'm unable to do my job, but I'm mostly sick of working full time & know I have an excuse/option to maybe not work.
So am I just trying to take advantage of the system? How sick to I need to be? I see some people on disability who are out running around doing what they like to do. Not that they dont have legitimate reason - just that they're not homebound etc. I enjoy much of my job, but some days think I could walk away & not miss it, but some days & hate dealing with it. Somedays I wonder how much I'd miss the people, the actual work. Would I be happy, bored, or what if I didn't have this job? It's not like I could try it out for a year & go back if I wanted. My job wouldn't be there for me to go back to & I can't risk not having the good insurance benefits I have now by giving up the job, then having to find work again - probably somewhere with no or little benefit in this day & economy and my age etc. Oh well, luckily I don't have to make any decisions right now and am feeling well enough that I don't have to because there's no other option. This is all just percolating around inside my brain and I wish I knew the best choice for me.