How in the World

dede10 · 01-07-2008, 12:42 PM

Can we just keep going??? I have had so much chemo, and constantly on Herceptin til Nov...and its acting up again!!!! In the past 22 mos, I have had 12 mos full of chemo...and felt like crap the rest of the time. This next go round will be chemo #6...starting tomorrow.

I am mad, upset, nervous, sad....and I wonder if I really want to continue? I'm not even me anymore...I am ...I don't even know who I am

Sheila · 01-07-2008, 02:38 PM

Dede
It is hard sometimes to keep our chin up when we can not see the end....it is very hard always being in treatment, and truthfully, some of us will always be in treatment....I hope the next combo will do the trick for you...it seems like everytime I go off, it comes right back.....I had excellent success with Avastin and Taxol, but I did have lots of B/P problems and am now off it.....I hope tomorrow looks brighter for you.

dede10 · 01-07-2008, 02:54 PM

I am going to be one of those always on chemo, I'm afraid.....

Andrea Barnett Budin · 01-07-2008, 03:10 PM

I was told, in '98, that what I had was INCURABLE, INOPERABLE AND I WOULD BE ON LONG TERM CHEMOTHERAPY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I was devastated. Mind-numbing ideas! Then I saw another onc who told me -- cancer is incurable right now, true, but it is controllable. It is a chronic condition that has flare ups and we have many weapons in our arsenal to combat it. They continue to come out with new tx practically every wk.

He added that I don't want to operate on my extensive liver mets. It would weaken me for the chemo, which I would have to have anyway b/c it could be microscopically present.

As for longterm chemotherapy, this onc told me that there are kinder, gentler drugs that I may have to go on for maintenance.
After 9 mnths of hell w/Taxotere I reached remission and, for me,
HERCEPTIN, is my longterm chemotherapy (that is really a monoclonal antibody) for the rest of my life.

I see myself living for a very long time, and feel I can *live* w/this sentence. I am so happy for each day and each grandchild I have lived to greet into this world.

Please read my post in Havah's LIVER METS thread...for more.

There are different ways of looking at the same situation. You can believe there are no miracles in Life, or you can begin to see that everything is miraculous! (Borrowed from Einstein...)

Whatever stands before you -- YOU CAN DO IT! I BELIEVE IN YOU! Remember -- you are never alone. Never. Tap into the powers that lie at your core. They are there, even if you haven't yet found them.

Andi

Bill · 01-07-2008, 06:26 PM

Hi Dede! I know how tough long-term chemo. can be on you. Please take comfort in the words of the awesome warrior women who have posted here, and please realize that just because something has been a certain way in the past does not mean it will continue into the future. Amazing and wonderful new drugs are being approved all the time. Technology is marching forward at an ever-increasing rate, so, in a sense, the rate of advancements in effective treatments is ever-increasing as well. Some studies and breakthroughs that used to take years to complete now sometimes take months, due to the the whirlwind of computer technology and new studies. You hang in there. The best is yet to come. Offering Prayers and Comfort to you. Love, Bill

dhealey · 01-07-2008, 06:51 PM

My heart goes out to you Dede, but as Bill said there are many new treatments on the horizon. Don't give up, have the odasity to have HOPE! Look at Andi still going strong since 1998. Praying they find the right combo to bring you to NED.

madubois63 · 01-07-2008, 10:09 PM

Dede - I truly know what your going through as do so many other people here.I've had a little bit of a tough time trying to get over this latest relapse (My third fight with bc - and don't forget I got leukemia from too much chemo and my liver rejected my bone marrow transplant dropping me on the threshold of deaths door this past summer)). It sucks. You won't get an argument from me on this one, but I have no other choice at this time but to keep fighting. I am not brave, courageous, blah, blah, blah...I am greedy. I want more time, and I do not want a world without me in it!!! I know I can continue to do this for as long as it takes. It is my objective to stay one (or several) steps in front of cancer until that cure comes along!!!! Please keep posting your feelings and don't keep them inside. I have embraced the fact that I am depressed right now. I tell everyone that asks. People take me out shopping, to movies and out to eat to try and cheer me up. Hmmm, not such a bad deal...I think I may be depressed until I have a nice new wardrobe...

I hope you find your happy place, hang in there. It's worth it!!!!

sarah · 01-08-2008, 06:57 AM

Yup, sometimes it's a drag and limits what we can do. I'm on Herceptin (3rd year) and hope to be on it always but that obligation every 3 weeks sometimes is hard, still I realize what a gift it is.
What you're feeling now will pass.
hugs and love
sarah

chrisy · 01-08-2008, 10:27 PM

Hi Dede,
Many of us can relate to how you feel. It is really daunting to contemplate being on chemo for "the rest of your life". On the other hand, we find we are so greedy for life that we do it anyway. As Andi said, some of the treatments available today are much kinder than in the past which makes it more tolerable. More tolerable to the body - but it still can be a strain on the spirit at times.

What we do tho, is press on - because our spirits are stronger than this disease and a helluva lot stronger than the chemo!

Hang in there, sister.
Chris

Sherryg683 · 01-08-2008, 10:32 PM

I have been on Herceptin every week now for 2 years and it does get old. My weekly trip is a reminder to me that I am still fighting the cancer even though I am NED. I go get my scans this week and am scared to death of having them turn out bad and having to go back on the "hard" chemo. That period of time for me was like the black hole, that's what I call it. It was a time when I realized that all was not great in my life. Many people showed me sides of themselves that just wasn't pretty. When I needed compassion, I sometimes got the opposite. I am seeing the same happening with my brother who is in the final stages of cancer. It's heartbreaking to realize that you just don't matter as much as you think you do, to those you would hope you matter to. I have tried to file away those memories but they are always in the back of my mind. God, I don't want to have to go through that again. We fight to survive, we do what's necessary, we have good days and awful days. Our reality is realizing we won't live forever. I miss the days when I thought I would...sherryg

Believe51 · 01-09-2008, 06:34 AM

Hoping you are feeling better today. I know how hard it can be to remain positive through this all. Sending love and wishes that you are doing well my Friend>>Believe51

tousled1 · 01-09-2008, 07:26 PM

dede,

I know how you feel. I've been on some kind of treatment except for 3 months since I was originally diagnosed. What was our normal no longer is. We develop a new "normal." Hang in there and keep fighting.

Becca · 01-10-2008, 04:38 PM

Yes, Dede, it is hard to continue with treatments, but now after several days you have likely found a reserve within yourself that is giving you renewed strength. These treatments, the side effects, the pain, makes us different from what we once were and from our "normal" friends. As Sherry pointed out in her post above "Our reality is realizing we won't live forever. I miss the days when I thought I would." I also liked what Maryann posted " I have embraced the fact that I am depressed right now" and she wrote it with a sense of humor! Like you Dede, and many others on this site, I long to be normal again--to not have so many facets in my life focused on this disease. Kate wrote we have a new normal. I garner courage from these BC warriors dealing with continued treatment just as I am. Dede, I hope life looks brighter for you today. As Chris said above "Hang in there sister".

tricia keegan · 01-11-2008, 01:58 AM

Dede I'm stage 2 and can only imagine how difficult this is for you to come to terms with and continue, I just wanted to send you hugs and hope you're feeling better today with renewed energy. Keep going girl!