need to talk...even if it\'s to myself....warning...sadness..

so please don't read any further if you don't want to read something sad and fearful and self-pitying and probably angry too...

i am crying as i write this. a lovely, beautiful, young woman with two daughters ages 7 and 8 died last night from breast cancer. she was diagnosed less than a year before me with stage ONE breast cancer, no nodes, her2negative, hormone negative. she recurred to her mediastynal node less than two years later and brain mets shortly thereafter.

she was bright and beautiful and so so so funny. her posts on another breast cancer board were always so incredibly irreverent and NON-self-pitying, i cry as i think about them (e.g., "i just came back from disney world, it was so much fun, even though i am having trouble breathing, yeah, that part's not fun, but i sure can clear a room with my coughing....")

i am just so filled with sadness at the thought of the loss of this woman. i never met her in person, and we were hardly even in touch. but she was so brave and so sick and went through so much. and she leaves behind these two daughters. and i can't stop thinking about that and sobbing.

i am going through a really hard time right now, myself, but i don't even know why. it has been more than two years since i was diagnosed, and i got great treatment, and i feel well. i just finished a super intense yoga teacher training program, practicing yoga for three or four hours a day. i am in great physical shape. but i feel so awful. i am rambling i know, so you don't need to listen. but i need to talk. i went off of zoloft last week, having started gradually going off it last month. then i went cold turkey on 50 mg. and i am wonky. and moody. and angry. and sad. i screamed at my kids the other day because i am tired of them not listening to me, which is basically because for two years, i did NOTHING to discipline them. i spent all of my time being the FUN parent, and now that i am "well" again, i need them to get dressed for school, and they laugh in my face. i need them to stop playing ball in the house and they ignore me.

so i freaked out. i screamed and threw things and said awful things like "i wish i had different children". but the truth is....the only reason my children are the way they are is because i havent been a mother for two years. i have been a friend. not a parent. and i am so sad about this. i want things to be good again. i want to be a good mom. i apologized to my boys (ages 5 and 7), and i told them i love them more than anything in the world, but i need things to change around the house. i need them to listen.

i am so sad. i want to be a better person. i don't want to get sick again and look back at this time and regret it all. i want to be proud of my life. and i am not right now. i spent two years being sick and then recovering from being sick, and i thought it would all be okay again with the snap of a finger, but it doesn't work that way at all. i have a LOT of recovery to do, and no amount of reconstruction, dieting, liposuction (yes, i had that too) or yoga is going to do it. it is going to take something else, but i don't know what.

i want to say it is going to take LOVE. Love of life, love of my children. but i don't think it works that way - or at least not so easily. i have so much to get over, so much anger, sadness and FEAR and REGRET that love doesn't pour forth so easily, or at least when it does, other stuff gets in the way, like a two year history of illness and depression and .....

i am rambling. i am sorry. i should probably go see my shrink again. i should probably just ride out the storm of trying to go off the zoloft (i want to be CLEAN of zoloft before i start a new drug, and maybe i won't need a new drug. i am tired of taking so many pills every day...arimidex, lasix for water retention caused by the arimidex, multi-vitamin, bayer asprin).

wow, i sure went on and on.

someone...if you are listening...can you tell me how to turn my life around before it's too late? can you tell me how to be THANKFUL for my life and my children and my health and everything good in my life and how to STOP being angry about what i had to go through and regretful about the toll it has taken on my life and fearful that it will all be taken away anyway?

thanks....

lauren

laurn, you are turning your life around right NOW. You have recognized what you want and need to do and that is the first step. How you get there is the next step.
I don't know if you are a spiritual person or not, my back ground is christian, but I look at all of them. This coming wed, I going to 10 week course on Mindfulness taught by the Rhime Buddisht Temple.
I tell you I am in the same boat as you. Over the last year my husband did so much of the caring for the kids and they always ask for dad first and it breaks my heart. As I am regaining my strength I am just trying to keep up with there everyday stuff and just talking more. We just started taking away things and they listen pretty well, but it took doing each and every time until they realized I was back.
Kids are so forgiving, I know I hate myself when I yell at my kids. I would love to just be the kind of person who just takes everything in stride and my feathers don't get ruffled, but I feel you and I aren't those kind of people but we strive to be and that's whats important.
I have never heard you this upset before, if you would like to talk I will email my phone # to, I am no shrink, but I have a good ear. take care k

I am in route for the cure in Toledo and am on a line at the airport so cannot email you. I will write back when get to destination with number

lauren,
I usually don't reply to posts of this nature, because I don't have cancer (my sisters do), but I feel compelled. I don't know what it like to have cancer, but I know what it is like to feel unhappy about things in your life...wanting to making changing and not know how. I'm speaking as a 40 year old mother, wife, teacher. It sounds like everything you're feeling is good...I mean just admitting that you want to be a better parent, for example, is the first step. Gosh! just telling your boys that you love them is a good start..one moment at a time..one day at a time.
Maybe you should speak to a professional about the anger. I don't think its uncommon to feel this way, but I do think you need to address this more than anything else..for the sake of your family, but most importantly for your sake.
Hope there are more and more happy days ahead filled with good health and contentment. Wish I could be of more help.

Hi Lauren: I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. I have never taken an anti-anxiety/antidepressent that had to be taken every day (like Zolof (sp) ). I, like you, don't like the idea of being "medicated" all of the time and would prefer to travel through life drug free. But, I do have a bottle of ATIVAN that I can take if I have a bad day where things just seem to overwhelm me. You just need to take one pill when you feel over-anxious and it just mellows you out for 4 hrs. If you need to take another one after that, then do it. It also can help you get to sleep at night on those occasions when you can't get to sleep.
I have worked with children for the last 25 years and your boys are old enough to understand the situation your family is in. You have done exactly the right thing in sitting them down and telling them that you love them BUT they need to listen...you don't have the energy to tell them to do things 15 times. One thing you could do is "catch them being good". This is when they do something the first time you ask, volunteer to help out or problem solve with each other to arrive at a solution rather than whacking each other...when you see them doing something "good"..... stop what you are doing and praise them for that behavior and tell them how much you appriciate it and how grown up they are getting, etc. It makes them feel good and they will want to please you more (technicaly this is called "Positive Reinforcement"). Often we parents only respond to our kids when they are doing something we don't like. If they are being good we leave them alone. In Child Development we are taught that "Negative Attention" is better than "No Attention" at all as far as a child is concerned. If you still get no improvement in their behavior perhaps a few sessions with a Family Therapist just to get things back on track would be helpful. Remember, Mommies aren't allowed to get sick and it is a very scary situation for our children (and mates). Sometimes when people get scared they get angry at the person who is the cause of this feeling (even though we can't help being sick). Some of your sons bad behavior could be due to this, too. Well, I hope some of this helps you get through these tough times. If you ever need to "talk" please feel free to e-mail me anytime. Take Care, Linda

Lauren, so sorry to read your post and learn of your friend's death...life is definitely not fair but believe me it is still good...Will it help you to know that I, too, was reluctant to discipline my two kids when I was going through treatment...I wasn't sure I was going to live and wanted them to remember me as being fun and sweet and not yelling at them... Fortunately, a social worker at the clinic where I got my Herceptin taught me that kids need discipline and limits, that it makes them feel safe, and that it's okay for sick Moms to get angry sometimes, like everyone else. I went on Paxil to deal with the anxiety and depression that a cancer diagnosis brings, and today am doing great (3 years after dx)--slowly, you will start to feel more like yourself and you'll start to see all the important life lessons you and your family have learned from this hard experience.. Please know your feelings are normal and I think we've all been there at one time or another--my latest issue is feeling guilty that I got sick and made my poor family go through so much..even though it is not my fault. Sorry, now I'm rambling--my heart goes out to you and I hope you find some peace! Hugs, Audrey

So sorry to hear you feel so yukky. It sounds to me as if that Zoloft was doing you some good and that now you are off it, your brain chemistry is giving you curry. You need to discuss it all with your doctor and/or ask to go and see a psychiatrist. There is no shame in needing an antidepressant to keep you well. Being well helps with being a parent and also reduces the risk of getting other health problems.
Hope this is helpful.

Hi. I feel your pain and can, to a degree, understand where you are coming from. I too feel that everything around me is crashing in. There are days when I wish I would just sleep the "eternal" sleep. There are days when I want to run away because, in my mind set that particular day, if I run away, everything will be AOK. Luckily for me, my children are grown and gone but the youngest one, 24, well suffice to say I could write a book on her which would compete with War and Peace page-wise. I've tried Wellbutrin and, like you, take other meds too (Femara and warfarin for a DVT). Like you, I am weary of the pills; like you, I am just plain weary. But then I get emails from FIT (friends in touch) and realize that, through the grace of His mercy, I am still alive and am able to give back, even if it is just a fraction, of what was given to me and is still given to me. Having cancer, of any kind, is the hardest word to hear, the hardest word to fathom, the hardest word to overcome ... but we do and we go on, if not for ourselves then for our loved ones. I am finding that support, whether it is a "sit-down" support group or an on-line group, is helping me. My cancer was caught early, thank God. I have the support of a loving man and loving family (minus the youngest daughter who keeps asking me when I'm going to die), and the support of many friends. I am very fortunate. A support group, someone from your church, a trusted coworker, even your physician, may be what you need. Knowing that you have this "beast" is enough to drive the most sane person insane but ... knowing that you can beat this "beast" is something else totally. As for your children, you need to take a firm hand, the upper hand. They are children and they need you, their mom. They have plenty of friends - only one mom. If you don't feel like getting out of bed, force yourself. If you don't feel like showering, force yourself. If you don't want to do anything, force yourself. The more you start doing for YOU, hopefully the better YOU will feel ABOUT YOU!!!! I am learning that about myself too.

Sadness is a feeling of loss which is not really a loss but a change.
Sometimes I really resist change! Maybe it's mostly the unknown that I resist. I don't know how you mom's do it. I'm 50 and didn't become a mom which was about choice and a difficult one at that but I want to tell you, I love you very much and I participated in the Herceptin trial and went the distance with mom's and daughters and more daughters in mind and with great Hope for us all.

For those beautiful women who went before us, for us, and for the future of our generations...may God continue to enlighten and guide us in our daily trials.

Thank you because you remain my hope and my inspiration; my joy and my concern. I am so grateful to you for your courage, your bravery and sticktoitiveness and your love. I learn so much from you.

Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts and feelings. Tonite I pray for your Comfort and Peace.

In love and Light,
Chere