Can anyone ever believe it?

[HavahJ]

Does everybody feel like this whole metastatic thing isn't really real or happening until they're practically dead? I keep feeling like it really can't be happening. I wondering if I'll still feel that way on my death bed. It's in my liver in a bad way so my life won't be too long. I'm just wondering if reality will keep slipping my grasp. HavahJ(Please, nobody pray for me! Thankx)

[Becca]

Dear HavahJ, you sound like I often feel. Yes, I keep thinking like it really can't be happening, that I will wake up and everything will be hunky-dory like it used to be. I was always active, so full of plans, busy living life till BC hit, then systemic lupus, then BC mets. I know you are also dealing with MS, and perhaps other heavy factors. I understand to a certain degree how you feel different from many of the others on this site. At times I have too, then the realization that there are many others here, like yourself that are dealing with heavy burdens also comes into my focus. You are weary right now, and no wonder. Yet, you have had success with dealing with the skull met, and there is hope you can deal with the liver mets. I know they are bad, but others have had bad liver mets and are now NED. It is not impossible.

The reality for us is that we have death looming over us. Yet we have the same prognosis as every one else on this planet--we only have today, right now, and We Will All Die. Our minds do evade thoughts of death--otherwise we could not function at all. I believe the Bible, I believe in a resurrection--and prayer helps me to feel more positive. There must be facets in your life that help you to find strength.

HavahJ, I wish I had the answer, why we are dealing with BC mets and autoimmune disease while are best friends are down south on vacation for a month or remodeling the kitchen while we are just thankful to be alive another day. I got in a rut of waking in the night or morning and dwelling on the hard facts of my health (and death). It may sound corny, but I have again started to dwell on what I can be thankful for when I wake. That I slept without too much pain, that I have a snoring husband next to me. Also, each day I try to do something for at least one person--a phone call or card, or even to tell the Walmart checker she did a good job. This may sound Pollyannish to you, but I hope not.

HavahJ, there are others like you who are feeling the pain of this "whole metastactic thing". I read this poem again today--it made me cry. Yet after tears, sometimes there is peace, more strength, more hope.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.


Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

[Vanessa]

Dear HavahJ,

Sometimes I have the same strange and surreal feeling and then some days I feel invincible and feel like this whole thing is not real. I have to agree with Becca, at the beginning in June, 2006, I had extensive mets to the liver. I had treatment with taxotere, carboplatin and herceptin and they went away and have not returned. I have other mets that are being treated right now. I know someone in Houston, who is having proton therapy for prostrate cancer, but he said they are also doing that other types of cancers including cancer on the liver. I am sure you have through a lot of treatments, but there are more on the horizon. I will be thinking of you daily and hope that you find a treatment that will get rid of those livers mets.

[chrisy]

First, I have to say to becca if she reads this, just yesterday I was thinking of that poem; I hadn't thought about it in years and I was quite distressed that I couldn't remember where I have it. And look, just a day later you put it right in front of my face!

HavahJ, hope you don't mind me putting that little thing on YOUR thread!

I think many of us have the feeling of this can't be happening. I feel that way a lot. It's hard not to dwell on the fact that I am living with an incurable and most likely terminal disease. For me, it is just too terrible to contemplate.

But the human mind/spirit is a marvelous thing, and I find there are other ways to experience that feeling of this can't be happening. One is to CULTIVATE a little healthy denial - I'm not dead, I can and do walk and talk and work and play, and as of this particular moment, canser has no power over me whatsoever. Mind you, that could change by the end of this sentence! But I love the image you put out there about being in denial right up until my last breath.

Another thing that I know people experience is difficulty dealing with the uncertainty - will I recur? will I ever feel whole again? will I die? For me, immediately upon getting my unexpected dx of extensive liver mets I started trying to let the uncertainty work FOR me. We don't really KNOW if or how long treatments will work, especially until we try them. They don't KNOW if maybe the next drug, or combination of drugs, will be the one that makes all the difference. Nobody KNOWS how long, or how short, anyone's time is. Remember, in San Antonio we heard the words "potentially curable"...and who knows, maybe it will be in our lifetime.

HavahJ, of course I cannot know what exactly you are feeling, but from your posts it seems you equate having liver mets with immediate or imminent suffering and death. This isn't necessarily the case as many have already told you. That is not necessarily "reality".

It sounds like you actually (physically) might be feeling pretty good - is that true? Then THAT is your reality right now, you are alive and living despite having to deal with liver mets - and you ARE dealing with them.

And you just don't know how much time you have. What if you respond well to treatment and live another year? 2? 5? 10? More?? There are women on this forum who are. And who at one time probably felt like it was "over".

HavaJ, hang in there. I don't think you're done yet.

[lilyecuadorian]

Oh Chrisy ...it work for me a lot was a nice post from you to Havaj is a good thing that we can read all the post ..I'was a little down but this lift my spirit ...to normal, is weir that "c" (canser) in the beginning and "C" word (curable)now, make either way shake my heart

[ElaineM]

Hang in there HavahJ and everyone else.
It is not over until it is over. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay involved with life no matter how slowly that may be.
Peace,
ElaineM

[Sherryg683]

My feelings are like a rollercoaster. Somedays I am on a high that I have been in remission this long. And others, I just have this awful feeling of doom hanging over me. My brother has metastatic melanoma that has taken over almost 3/4 of his liver. It is so hard for me to watch this happening to him. There is not much they can do for melanoma but for us,
there are drugs that can be tried. I just try to hang on to hope. As long as there's hope, there's a chance...I am sorry you are having to go through this..sherryg

[ElaineM]

Hi,
Where there is life there is hope.
peace,
ElaineM

[Jackie07]

I have uploaded a word file because my computer loses connection if I stay on typing too long. Let's see if this will work.