Hi Everybody!

[Joy]

Well, I haven't posted in forever and I apologize as I have not given support in the form of posts to so many who need it. I have given you my prayers and thoughts and a lot of love. I see that some of you are having some real struggles and I'm so sorry for the new challenges and frustrations and sending you as much good energy as possible.

I also get so sad when we lose someone, well we ALL get sad about that and sometimes that makes me recoil a bit, don't know why. But we feel these things so profoundly and sometimes I just need to be with that feeling for that person and their family. I still can't believe Sandy is gone and now Linda W. My heart aches.

I'm still movin' along with tykerb/xeloda and will be scanned in September I think. Just praying it will keep working and not just stable, but continued regression. I still have that nagging worry that it will just quit working really soon and the options will run out.

I really have appreciated the thread about making future plans and fear of that. I have the hardest time with that and it takes constant work to try to act on things now without the worry. I need to find a job, scares me, my house needs work, wonder if it is worth it and then there is the crazy thing of dating.

I could use some advice from you girls and guys as you are great advice givers. I have not been interested in dating since my last relationship 4ish years ago. My life is rich and full with children, family and friends. But I'm feeling imbalanced as my life is so heavy in the feminine always. 2 daughter, 2 female cats, all mom friends and their daughters and some little guys too. But no male friends really and no boyfriend and no place to meet people (although I am starting a basic conversational Spanish class at our community college next week-big move for me as it involves...the FUTURE). So...I swore, I SWORE, I would never do the internet thing for so many reasons and I'm still freaked out by it. But in surfing the web for something else I saw an ad for a single parents site-didn't even realize that was out there. So for kicks I posted a profile with my same goofy picture as I have here and HOLY CATS. I get at LEAST 15-20 messages a day. Many scary ones-can't spell, show weird pics, so transparently phony, bizarre on-line names (my current favorite is 'KingofBeast69'---eeew). However I met a very sincere and sweet man with whom I've been corresponding and he actually lives in this vicinity as so many don't and still want to hook up. King of Beast lives in Yonkers so New York gals-beware he's on the prowl.

So he asked to know more about me, work, hobbies, etc. And my work history has been dominated by the big C. So I went ahead and explained my work history and why I have such amazing family support (so that I can be with my children-which is best for all of us) and how fortunate I am. i described myself as a BC survivor/thriver and that people say I look healthy and I know I feel healthy and am not slowed down in any way. And I said if that was too freaky, I would totally understand.

Well, I didn't know how he'd respond and I was surprised to get some very sweet e-mails after that mention of cancer. I did not mention the metastatic factor. So I feel a little like a liar, even though I am a BC survivor, and I'm scared to let on to that, don't know how to let on to that and I'm really feeling like a lemon. But we are talking only by e-mail, but he has hinted at a meet up for coffee or lunch and that he'd like to get to know me better and a friendship is the first thing to develop, with which I agree.

Here, I've been thinking about boys again after being 'MOM' to so many for so long and wanting to be 'Joy' to someone and have the male presence and perspectives in my life and I feel like this damn disease is going to keep me from that. Who wants to take on someone like me, with such an uncertain future-okay now I'm crying and feeling sorry for myself.

What should I do girlsand guys? What is honestly realistic?

Love you all so much and I share your triumphs and your challenges even if I haven't posted that directly!

Brenda-I love the 'joy column' because despite everything I just said I see joy and experience joyful moments everyday! Just listening to my kids and a friend play Monopoly during a needed rainstorm yesterday was a joy.