It's all true...

[Louise O'Brien]

I didn't believe it a year ago when I was lurking. A year ago when I had just finished chemo and was about to begin a year of Herceptin. A year ago when I was pale as parchment, no eye brows, no hair and very fatigued from low blood counts.

It's a different story now. I "feel" healthier, my old energy is returning, the colour is back, and I have a full head of hair.

Monday is my last Herceptin treatment. St. Patrick's Day. Too bad they can't put green in the IV bag. Three weeks from now I'll have the portacath pulled out. I'll be a free woman.

But the emotions I read about a year ago (and had a hard time believing) are there just as predicted. I feel like I'm falling off the edge of a cliff. Just as everyone described. What's next - waiting from year to year for the other shoe to drop? Will it drop? Or is it just a given? Next year? Two years from now? When?

Truth be told, I'm a bigger mess now than I was when I was first diagnosed and told of all the treatment ahead of me. I survived all that because "you do what you gotta do" - and I actually wondered why I wasn't more emotional over what I was going through. It's as if all of this has just hit me and fear is settling in like one hard, cold knot that just won't go away. Is this the begining of the end?

I should feel elated that it's coming to an end but in fact I'm just terrified. I know in my head it's probably a normal feeling and that it will hopefully go away but that's easier said than done.

A year ago, when other posters would describe their feelings on ending treatment I just couldn't understand. I thought to myself - God - I'd be jumping for joy. But my joy is very tempered these days.

August 8 2006: small calcifications detected on mamogram; follow up biopsy.
August 27 2006: diagnosis - invasive breast cancer, stage two, grade two.
Sept. 22, 2006: left breast mastectomy, Er-Pr-,HER2+
1.5 cm tumour. Clear margin, no lymph node involvement, sentinel nodes negative
Nov. 15, 2006: Chemo - 6 rounds; 3 FEC, 3 Taxotere
Feb. 28, 2007: End of chemo
March 28, 2007: Herceptin begins 3X weekley
March 17, 2008: End of Herceptin
April 11, 2008: Portacath out

[Mary Jo]

Hi Louise,
I totally understand your feelings as I was you once. I, too, remember when herceptin ended and although I was happy it was over, I was scared to death. What now? Where is my protection going to come from? What about this pain? What about this ache?............and on and on it goes. Oh, do I hear ya..................

I have good news to share though..............IT DOES GET EASIER. It does. However, it takes time. It takes time to start trusting these bodies of ours. These bodies we once trusted and betrayed us royally. I mean GEEZ, I was infallible - LOL - you ask, why did I think that?"........well, it's easy....because I said so. I said I didn't want cancer......I tried to do all I could to avoid it in my life (I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer when she was 47 years old, so cancer wasnt' something new to me) - I even went as far as to tell God - "anything God but not cancer for this girl." Well, the rest is history...........................

Here I am 2 years and 7 months since surgery. Still NED.....happier than ever before.....totally at Peace with what and where I am......and trusting that God knows what's best for me and my "course" is already determined anyway....so I will just go forward and live the life He's laid out before me.

By saying "I am at Peace with what and where I am" is NOT saying I am never afraid of a recurrence - because I am. Plain and simple. Of course it's "always there" - the wondering and what if's - BUT - it does get easier each year you move away from that diagnosis. It does.

So dear "sister" TRY to enjoy this moment. It is finished. You made it through. You are feeling better than when it started and life will move on for you. Just go out and make the most of it. When you feel afraid - feel those feelings - deal with them and move on. It's all you can do.

Sending out HUGE congratulations and blessings of Peace your way.

Mary Jo

[tricia keegan]

Louise I was one of those people who felt a little deflated on finishing treatment, in fact I always thought chemo/rads was not the hard part but living after treatment is really tough. However it did get better, much better and while every day is not stress free in terms of self dx and worrying about recurrance it IS getting less and less often.
Just take each day as it comes, don't worry about tomorrow as you'll deal with that if and when it happens, to do otherwise (I've learned) is allowing the cancer to win and wasting the time we've fought hard for.
You've achieved a lot, so congratulations on that and plan a celebration...you've earned it!

[Becky]

Dear Louise

First, congratulations on finishing up over a year's worth of treatment. You made it through. Second, go do something for yourself - a facial, hair dye/salon, new shoes whatever... You deserve to pamper yourself and be proud of what you have and are evolving into - a warrior woman (aka bc survivor).

You are right that the survivor highway is not an easy road. Even over 3 1/2 years out, I often get off the next exit and get lost. But I always ask for directions and get right back on the highway. I figure one day I will buy myself a GPS (perhaps my 5 year cancerversary) and then I won't be lost very long!

At least you are out the door and on your street - you know where the highway is and you are on your way. And you know we are on the road with you. Think only happy thoughts and drive carefully and you will enjoy the scenery and the ride. Beep, beep

[Jackie07]

I wonder if the feeling is similar to the one exhibited in the hostages - they were afraid of leaving their captors after being in bondage for a long time.
Congratulations for completing the treatment. Stay vigilant in your self exam, you will be fine.

[dhealey]

Louise, First congratulations! I was where you are in Jan. The feeling of falling off a cliff slowly goes away. I keep working on it. I have days when I feel like my old self and days when I get scared silly. I just try to push it away and concentrate on the art of "LIVING LIFE TO IT'S FULLEST". Best of luck to you, it will get easier.

[Jean]

Louise,
How wonderful that you are crossing the finish line!
Also, what a "Grand" day to do it...on St. Patty's Day!
Very normal to feel torn between emotions.

It will take a bit of time to adjust the new free you.
I know for myself when the first three weeks rolled around after I completed herceptin, I felt like I had to go to my cancer center,
and I did....and I began volenteering to serve lunches. Each one
of us finds our way along the journey.

As Becky so eloquently defined it, "You are on a new highway"
enjoy the day - you have earned it.

Hugs of Joy,
Jean

[mke]

Congradulations on your graduation. Do you remember other graduations? I think I usually felt a bit happy and a bit scared. Perhaps every life change is a little scary.
I've had a couple BC shoes drop, and in my experience one deals with them as they come.

Now if I had the secret of how not to worry and could sell it - I'd be a wealthy woman. I think you should try to celebrate tomorrow. Buy yourself a green sweater or some nice green earrings or do some mildly extravagant thing. Have some fun.

[Barbara2]

Isn't a 1.5cm tumor with no positive nodes, considered stage 1? Anyway, your cancer is considerered early, which is very good.

In time you should be able to relax some, knowing that your cancer was found early, and that the treatment you are receiving is currently concidered top notch, with Taxotere and Herceptin at the head of the class for Her2+ breast cancer.

One (well known) oncologist told me that because of the current treatment available for Her2+ breast cancer patients, most of those people in early stage 1 and stage 2, are not recurring.

[Louise O'Brien]

Barbara:

That's an excellent question. I have asked repeatedly why I'm Stage two as opposed to Stage one and never got an answer that satisfied me. I meet with a third oncologist in three weeks - I'll try him out. (The other two retired.)

One of them mentioned that I was right on the cusp - the dividing line between no treatment after surgery and full treatment and that explained the diagnosis. It still doesn't sit right with me. But I've been considered stage two right from the start so after 18 months I'm still confused.

I have to thank you all for your responses. I was actually quite teary when I read them. I haven't talked to anyone about how I've felt - my friends think I've soldiered through and I don't want to drag them - or anyone - down.

So I think it's something that a lot of us deal with on our own. Who else would understand?

But thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Louise O'Brien]

One more thing...

Is it just me? I'm now filling a "donate" bag with some of the clothing I wore during treatment. I know it seems like a waste but I just don't want to be reminded of this past stage in my life.

I had two button down tees which made it easier to access the portacatch. Gone! I can't stand to have them around. Vests to cover up one flat side. Gone! Humungous fleece shirts again to cover up a lopsided profile. Outahere. I spent a fortune on some very funky caps to wear last summer (because I hated my wig). They did the trick and were very fashionable but I just don't want to see them around any more. Tomorrow I'm taking them to the cancer clinic so they can be passed on to someone else. I just don't want to wear them any more.

I hope it's about moving on as opposed to denial. Has anyone else gone through the same thing?

I remember reading a while ago about Becky moving to a new home - and that I totally understand. We're content to stay where we are - but if the place I lived in just wasn't right - I can understand wanting to finally find the "right" place.

It's quite a journey isn't it?

[atdec05]

Hi Louise,

I very much like you wanted to clean house when I was done with treatment. I got rid of the button down shirts, the vests I wore post-mastectomy, and things I associated with chemo treatments. I brought a book to read while I was waiting for my surgery, and after surgery I could not go back to the book. It took a year before I was able to pick it up and finish it.

I noticed in your treatment you had a lumpectomy, but you did not have radiation? Just curious. Are you in Canada or the UK?

- Anna

[Louise O'Brien]

Nope. No lumpectory. I had a left breast mastectomy.
I'm from Canada.

[atdec05]

Hi Louise,

I missed that when I read your first post. Just wanted to make sure if you had a lumpectomy you had radiation, but it's not (usually) needed with a mastectomy and clear nodes.

Congratulations on the end of your treatment. At my 6-month follow-up I asked my doctor whether I could be on a trial. I didn't necessarily want to continue taking chemo or pills if I was NED, but I wanted to feel like I had/was doing everything I could.

She finally thought of one trial I could be eligible for, so I've signed up for it. It's a study whether taking Melatonin reduces BC risk. I figure it's a pretty harmless pill to take as far as meds go, and maybe it will help me sleep better! Of course I could end up with the placebo.

take care,
Anna

[mimiflower07]

hi Louise
this is a great thread one i can very much relate to. Since recovering from surgery, Chemo and now on herceptin..i too have tossed the PJ of comfort and will also part with my warm zip up fleace(that screams treatment) I can't even use the same bath soap. What once brought confort now brings old smells..with old memories. I want new smells of spring..summer sexy PJ and new hair!! I sometimes think i would like to move communities just not to be known. Its so nice going into the city where i can just be me before Cancer. Each day as my energy returns i start to feel and recall whom i used to be only 7 months ago but it feels like 7 years with the whole mental worry...decisions..protecting children. I'm sure theres going to be a worthy melt down at the end of this chapter.
sorry I guess i'm venting now.. Some days i just wish for my old life back. End of story. thanks for sharing
suzanne

[Believe51]

Louise, thanks for sharing hope with us all. Although we have not experienced feelings like this since Ed is not NED yet, these feelings are normal from what I get here from my trusted friends. I am so pleased to hear from you and all of the progress you have made. My hopes are to see you with continued success with all that you strive for. May all your dreams come true>>Believe51

[sadie]

I also got rid of the few tops that I wore for my treatments. Will donate the wigs soon, but am procrastinating because I'm afraid to jinx myself.
Shocker, tho....I used to listen to Yanni cd's during my treatments. I would always fall asleep during the first track. The other day, I pulled the cd out for the 1st time since my treatments ended (1 year since my last herceptin treatment). OMG....all the old feelings came rushing back (tears and all!). Yanni is now in my donation pile!

[harrie]

Louise, I am close to your same timetable shoes. I had my last herceptin end of Jan.
I just had my second markers lab test and am waiting for the results. That part is rather nerve racking.
My hair is about 3 inches. I loved my wig...isn't that funny????!!! I wore it to a baby shower the other wk and I have not worn it in so long. Was rather fun wearing it and having longer hair again.
Want to hear something else....wierd....I am considering keeping my hair short because it looks, not bad...and am considering getting ANOTHER wig just for another change!!! Is that funny or what???!!! Who ever heard of anyone losing their hair from chemo and ending up really liking her wigs and loving the simplicity of the short hair!!!
I try to my best to really appreciate these days of "no worries". I do not know when I will have future concerns and it may be sooner or later. Who knows. I don't want to waste these wonderful carefree days worrying about the future "what ifs". Sometimes my subconscious ego gets a bit too vocal and I really try to shut it down.
Congratulations on completing your treatments.
Take care.
Harrie

[Paris]

Wow Louise I was thinking of this! First off, congratulatios on finishing herceptin. Unfortunately as I am finding out there is no "survivor roadmap" that anyone gives you. I was about to start a new thread regarding survivorship when I saw your post. I'll do that now. Maybe we can help each other build the roadmap.

hugs
Jamie

[juanita]

Things do get easier. There are still down days but they get fewer and far between. Good luck!