***NOT BC related***HELP-Need opinions on discipline for son

RhondaH · 06-05-2007, 03:28 PM

The new neighbor just walked Tony home and told me that his son, another neighbors son and Tony had been told NOT to throw rocks over the garage. Needless to say, they didn't listen. He said he was painting and heard a crash and found out that one of the rocks put a hole in his windshield and dented his car. He didn't know which boy did it, so I told him that I felt it was my responsibility to pay for 1/3 of the damage. As I don't want to be too lenient OR too harsh (I tend to go both ways), any advice on what kind of discipline to get Tony with? Take care and God bless.

Rhonda

Susan2 · 06-05-2007, 03:58 PM

My son hates yardwork. So we've used that in the past. He works off the debt that you paid and we get our yard done. We've also had him do volunteer work to work off the debt. We just assign him an hourly rate; divide that by the debt to get the number of hours. If the amount is too great to work out, then we just make the work less pleasant - pulling weeds, etc.

Good luck - raising boys are fun but challenging.

Beckie · 06-05-2007, 04:01 PM

I think the logical consequence would be to work to pay his share of the cost. I don't know how old he is but he can do work around the home to pay you back for what you have to pay. Even if he had stopped throwing rocks, just staying with those who did gets the same consequences as if he did. There are stories of persons in the car with someone who went in and robbed a store (even though he didn't know that was going to happen), and they also had to go to jail. This will be a good lesson on what to do when your friends are doing the wrong thing. God bless.

Beckie

RhondaH · 06-05-2007, 04:04 PM

he is only 6 and I am not sure how much it will cost to repair so he may be working for me till high school.

Rhonda

Sheila · 06-05-2007, 04:43 PM

Rhonda
I think constructive punishment is the best kind...like no treats .tv, ice cream, movies, video games, pop, going places.....let him know that since you have to pay for damage that he was involved in, you can now not afford some of the special treats that he had before.....again, the punishment has to fit the age of the child...you don't want him to "be paying" until he goes to high school. Maybe no playing with the children involved until he can prove that he won't be a follower, but a leader....he must know that if something is wrong, he must come to you and tell you...at 6 years old, even a weeks punishment seems like a year...sometimes in giving a punishment, the parent suffers too. Maybe an extra chore or 2, helping with dishes, folding clothes, cleaning his room....all ways he can pay you back....remember, there must be lots of love and forgiveness,,,,we have all thrown a rock or 2...maybe even eaten some!

Jen · 06-05-2007, 05:24 PM

Well Mom I have maybe thrown a rock or 2 in my day but never did I eat one. Heck I wouldn't even a chocolate covered grasshopper or smelt if you paid me.lol

I agree the punishment has to be age appropriate. I would suggest no T.V., no going outside to play, going to bed directly after supper for about a week. Also it is important to sit down w/ him and explain to him why he is being punished and why the way he behaved was wrong.

Good Luck,
Jennifer

KellyA · 06-05-2007, 06:01 PM

One idea, if the other parents are supportive, would be to get together and make a list for all three boys to work on together. It could be light yardwork, washing cars, etc. I have three boys myself (8,10, and 16). They like to stick together when someone does something wrong, and not fess up (which I suppose is good in a way). So instead of screaming, and losing my temper, we just put all three on house arrest until someone confesses. :-) House arrest includes scrubing bathrooms, washing dishes, doing yardwork, etc. The first time this happened, one of them had stuck a huge wad of chewed up bubble gum INSIDE my piano (in the strings). No one would tell. After 3 days of constant housecleaning, my middle son came running out of his room screaming, "It was me, it was me! Asa (the oldest) said he was gonna kick my a** if he had to clean anymore!" Good thing too- because I was running out of chores!! :-)

Anyways, obviously the chore has to be age appropriate, but I do think that it is important for them to see that people do have to work for money and that it is expensive to repair things- especially when it could have been prevented. Is he writing much yet? Maybe a brief "I'm sorry" note would be a good idea.

Good luck- life is never dull with boys in the house!

Love, Kelly

Jean · 06-05-2007, 09:34 PM

Hi Rhonda,

Oh little boys....
I'll bet Tony never even thought of the consequences when he was having
fun throwing those rocks. It is hard even for some adults to factor in consequences. I would not make the punishment too long or the whole
matter will begin to loose the hi-light of the issue. If he can understand
the importance of thinking something through a bit before hand you have made a major impact. A big part of this is not just the punishment but having him understand his actions have reactions. Let's face it he will never be able to pay for the damage. He needs to loose something that means a lot to him.
Do you have a special day of the week like Sat. where you take him to movies
etc. things like that? If so that is cancelled - chores are good and should be
included but giving up a pleasure has an impact. All special treats and favorite games are forfeited. I think he should write a letter to the owner of the car so he understands that he must face up to the people he has caused damage to. I would have him deliver the letter in person. Don't worry so much about the other kids as who knows the value of the other parents. I have often discovered when raising my son - that everyone else's child was perfect and mine was the devil. Sad for them as my son has grown into a fine young man and others have fallen hard on the road while growing up.

Your such a great Mom Rhonda, you will make the perfect choice to
impact him. Just think of something he loves and remove it for about
a week or two...remember he is six and two weeks is a real long time
at that age.

Hugs,
Jean

Andi · 06-06-2007, 09:26 AM

Little boys will be little boys. My husband was always so good with our 2 children in how to deal with these infractions. The first thing he would do is make our children go to the neighbor and apologize to them. This is like making them admit outright that their actions were wrong and there is something about admitting to someone outside the family that us a little more tough. Then I would have him do chores either for you or the neighbor to "earn" the payback for his share of the damage. This will teach him the value of his mistake, rather than just an easy payoff from mom. Maybe his chores could be something you are involved with him in some sort of way and you can have your "discussions" about good behavior. My parents always "bailed" my brother out of little messes and as a result the next time it was something a bit bigger. I watched that and decided that I would make the little messes a big learning lesson in order to stop things before they got bigger. Tony is a little boy that is learning about growing up, I know you will handle this well and he will grow to be a terrific young man some day. Good luck mom!

Adriana Mangus · 06-06-2007, 10:06 AM

Rhonda: I only had one child and that's a "she", so I really do not know much about boys, other than my brothers; the oldest was a "destructor" . Mom had to take him with her anywhere she went because he would hit us, break things in the house, terrorizing us all the time.

Some girls tend to behave like boys do, my daughter since early age knew not to throw things at people or destroy things; while in elementary school, one of her best friend would get in trouble all the time, but my daughter never followed her. I remember the friend got in big trouble right outside church in the parking lot; she broke one of the parishioners windshield by jumping on the hood, the top and finally landing on the windshield. By the way all the girls were supposed to be in church, just like the rest of us.

This is a good time to talk to your son and explain to him that nothing good would ever come of destroying property, and to not follow or imitiate "friends"

He's really young to completely understand what he did, he probably thought that it was fun to throw rocks and meant nothing by it. He never imagined that a windshiled would be broken and he was going to be one of the culprits.

As far as paying 1/3 of the cost to replace the neighbor's windshield, am in total agreement with you. I hope the other parent's children are as reasonable as you are. Not knowing who actually throw that specific rock that broke the window, this is the best way to settle this dispute, and hopefully resolve the situation w/o hard feelings. The kids pay the price when they are told they can no longer hang out with the neighbors kids. I hope this is not the case. Maybe am a little too easy uh???

I really do not know what punishment would be the best giving his age, but other moms have offered you great ideas, it's up to you to impose the best remedy you think fits the "crime".

I'm sure he's an adorable 6 yrs old. Keep on talking to him though, children need to understand at early age the difference between right and wrong.

I would be more concerned about this repeating all over again; than punishment itself.

Sending you positive vibes and a BIG hug and a kiss to your little one.