Moving on Emotionally

[marshbird]

I've finished 6 mo. of chemo and 33 rads. (8 more Herceptin to go), but find the loss of security and sense of well being hardest to deal with. I used to be such a happy, glass-full kind of person. I know this experience changes you, but how do I start to get back to a more positive outlook?

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I read. Sometimes only 2 pages a day. I underlined and highlighted. I read: ONE DAY MY SOUL JUST OPENED UP (Iyanla Vanzant). SEAT OF THE SOUL (Gary Zucav). MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY (Wayne Dyer). YOUR SACRED SELF (Wayne Dyer). THE POWER OF NOW (Eckhardt Tolle). These readings not only inspired me but expanded my awareness beyond my past experience!

Plus, Zoloft, helped to chemically get me back to being ME. Ativan at night (an anti-anxiety mood elevating drug) helped me sleep -- which is essential to wellness and productivity.

I evolved and grew and became more than I was. Beyond getting back to *normal*! This is what I wish for you, and all of us, Marsh... You deserve that. Give yourself a gift. Begin enlightening your Spirit with such writings and awakenings! That's my best advice...to come to bless your life!

With love,
Andi

[Jean]

Dear Marsh,
What your feeling is very natural - especially after chemo/ and soon you will be completing herceptin. I found with each mile stone, a concern, the treatments, as much as we don't want to have them, make us feel in contol of the cancer. That we are actively doing something to protect ourselves. Please know, that each step you take on this journey is a learning experience. You will gradually build your confidence back.
Try concentrating on the positive side that the chemo/herceptin is bringing you to wellness. Treat yourself to something special as you complete
each step - which will enforce the good side of this experience. Yes,
there is a good side, yes, this is a challenge, but know there are many many of us who are survivors. Say to yourself daily, "I can beat this" a positive attitude helps. (Besides your haflway there) as you said, you used to be a happy -glass half filled person. Well, she is still there,
a bit shattered, shocked, and shook up, like all of us are/were/and will be from time to time. Every day is a gift, for everyone, even if you don't have cancer. It's just that those of us who have been dx. have had a wake up call. Enjoy each and every day, and remember you are never alone, you have the support and love of every beautiful lady/and/men
on this board.

God Bless,
Jean

[Donna]

I went through that too - I felt like I had every reason to be looking forward and to be happy as so much of the nasty part of treatment was over - but instead I felt like there was a perpetual black cloud over my head, very oppressive. I am taking Effexor and it did wonders (!) for my attitude - also helps with the hot flashes. Sometimes a little help in the brain chemsitry dept. is all the push you need to get back to your "old" self again!

Good luck, hope you find what works.

Donna

[Bev]

You need more time to accumulate more clean scans, etc. For me 2 years or so is what it took for the cloud to lift. BB

[fauxgypsy]

Have you tried writing about it? Sometimes that helps me. Keep a journal, write what you feel. It feels like grief to me. Denial, anger, resentment. I have a good friend that will listen to me no matter how I feel. She doesn't tell me that I should be thankful for my great results, she just listens. Talking might help you through it. For me, the chemicals are a way to mask my feelings. I don't want to do that except as a last resort. Andi BB keeps telling me that normal as I knew it won't return, and I am finding out that she is right. I think I will always be a little sadder and more aware of my mortality than I was before. How's that song go, "but that was yesterday, and yesterday's gone." Now I try to find joy in my now. I try to do now what I was always putting off until later. Reading is great, as well. I love Anne Lamott, Annie Dillard, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer. They are not about cancer but I think they are about seeing the sacred in everyday life. A good murder mystery works wonders as well. ; )
There is a poem by Franz Baskett that I love. The name of it is "That Old Washing Machine." The last two lines are:

And life is sweet insistent pain
That lets me know I am alive.

If anyone would like to know the whole poem I will email it privately to you.

Leslie

[Kimberly Lewis]

I found it easier to talk to a therapist, who had BC herself by the way... Don't ignore depression that you can't fight by reading books, writting or other attempts.


In Wikipedia this paragraph caught my eye and thought it would be helpful here.




Cancer

PTSD is normally associated with trauma such as violent crimes, rape, and war experience. However, there have been a growing number of reports of PTSD among cancer survivors and their relatives. Most studies deal with survivors of breast cancer , and cancer in children and their parents, and show prevalence figures of between five and 20%. Characteristic intrusive and avoidance symptoms have been described in cancer patients with traumatic memories of injury, treatment, and death. There is yet disagreement on whether the traumas associated with different stressful events relating to cancer diagnosis and treatment actually qualify as PTSD stressors . Cancer as trauma is multifaceted, includes multiple events that can cause distress, and like combat, is often characterized by extended duration with a potential for recurrence and a varying immediacy of life-threat.

[marshbird]

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions and encouragement. God Bless.

[hutchibk]

The uncertainty is the hardest part of this disease. It will come and go. But you can teach yourself coping skills, and you can find what works for you, what inner dialogue is the most appropriate for you. It takes some work. I wrestled through it with my counselor and her support and guidance was so very key. It is so true to not suppress or ignore dark, sad, depressing feelings. Recognize it, feel it, then purge and vent it. You have to come up with a way to compartmentalize the fear so as to not let it take the role of the dominant emotion. Finding the roots of my inner fortitude and optimism (it takes some work to tap into it, but it is there)...and recognition that nothing about life from the day we are born is certain or guaranteed - really helps me deal with the "OMG- I am fighting a potentially life-threatening disease"... heck, just daily life without cancer is potentially life-threatening. And, the knowledge that the feverishly pursued research on our disease is quickly trending towards it becoming more chronic and manageable, with new and more effective targeted agents around every corner - that definitely helps too. I don't know if any of this works for you, but I hope there is a kernel of info here that you might be able to use.

But don't fake it and act like you're not feeling it. That is the first key. It takes time to shift the dominant emotions from fear and uncertainty, but be sure and remind yourself every time you feel sad or fearful emotions, there are thousands of reasons to feel truly optimistic. And those thousands of reasons are the scientists and doctors who are working furiously to save our lives.

[Patb]

So well said by all and we know how you feel. Tomarrow is my last
herceptin and everyone wants to celebrate and I don't see it as exciting
but flying without a net. Just one day at a time. Take care.
patb