A little hurt.....long - Page 2

Sherryg683 · 11-12-2007, 10:12 PM

Thank you all for your responses, I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do but I know I am not wrong. I think I do have issues with setting boundaries, I will say "no" then my mother calls me repeatedly and talks my ear off about how my poor little sister will lose her job if she takes off work (she works for my husband, so she is not about to be fired). How she is 78 and can't do it alone and that my brother is not giving her any money to help out, and then I say OK, I'll do it. My mother has no income, lives off social security. My brother is and has always been very stingy. He has never really done anything for anyone in the family and has only even become somewhat friendly since he got ill. He thinks that it is completely OK to ask us to drive to Houston and back in one day to get him, so that he doesn't have to pay for a hotel room. We're talking about a 10 hour round trip drive here, not including time spent at the hospital. I am not going to do this and I have about had it with his stingyness and letting me and my husband pay the bill. This last time when my husband took 2 days off work to drive him down there, he did not even offer to pick up the dinner tab when they went out to eat. We have always let him get by with this because he seems to have a sickness when it comes to letting go of money. I am going to have a talk with him when he calls and let him know that if he wants help, he's going to have to at least pay the expenses for us to come down there and back. I think I can get over being left out of the will but I am fed up with being used. Yes, I do need to say NO and make it stick.... sherry

hutchibk · 11-12-2007, 10:26 PM

I think you have wrapped your head around this very nicely! You go girl!

Patrice · 11-13-2007, 10:03 AM

Sherry,

You have no reason to feel guilty, whatsoever We know it's not the money that's the issue for you, but rather, the sense of appreciation that is shown by such gifts. While I'm sure your brother isn't intending to hurt you, I do think he needs a little reality testing. You've been there for him 100% and his leaving what he has to your other siblings is essentially telling you he doesn't appreciate all you've given.

As others have said more artufully than I, though, please don't let this fester since it cannot be good for your own physical and mental well-being.

Wishing you the best.
Patrice

vickie h · 11-13-2007, 10:50 AM

Sherry, I agree mostly with the others. We all feel that sense of betrayal, confusion, and unexpressed gratefulness when we do things out of love with no recognition or thankfulness for our labor of love. I would go to your brother with an open, forgiving heart and ask him the simple question "why?".
Let him know how hurt you feel and how much his actions have affected your life. You have been the strong one, Sherry. The one who has done the honorable and caring things for your brother at what may be the last days of his life. Don't carry that anger and hurt inside your beautiful heart. Meet with him and let the tears flow, open the gates of truth, and lay your pain on the table. I wish you so much love and strength at this trying time. You and your family are in my prayers. Much love, Vickie

Monica · 11-13-2007, 12:17 PM

Sherry,
You seem such a loving person, and given so much to your brother. I feel like I have to ask a question: Why is it so hard for you to tell him how you feel about not being included in his will? As other members have noted, money represents much more than just money. Maybe you don't "need" the money as much as your siblings, but you certainly deserve it the most. What's the worst that can happen if you tell him? He needs you - let him see this is important to you - not because of the money - but rather being included in the will shows that he cares about you and feels grateful and close to you in a way that he doesn't feel with his other siblings.

Best,
Monica

Sherryg683 · 11-13-2007, 09:31 PM

I really should have told him how I felt when he brough it up in the beginning. I guess I was in shock. Since then, he has consistantly talked about "vultures picking at the bones", "people hearing the jingle of coins" when talking about certain members of the family. I guess I didn't want him to think that way about me. But then he makes a will and leaves it all to the "vultures" as he calls them. Like I said, my bother has a sickness with let going of money. He will not even spend any on himself knowing he is probably in his last days. I am pretty sure everything will come out in the open soon. I told my mother to tell my sister to take a day off work and make that 10 hour drive (because he won't pay for a hotel room) this time. It was her turn to pitch in. My brother and my mother are always fighting and I have been consistantly put in the middle and frankly I am tired of it. I have been hurt enough this year listening to all of it and I have already told my mother what my new boudaries are and I'm going to have to tell my brother also. I just have to make them stick. I have to keep my health up, and this situation has stressed me to the max..sherryg

chrisy · 11-13-2007, 09:58 PM

Sherry, good for you - stick to your guns, make sure your own health and well being comes first.

Sandy in Silicon Valley · 11-13-2007, 10:01 PM

Hi, Sherry -

I can certainly relate to how hurt and angered you are as a result of your brother's decision to leave you and your husband, who've been there for him through his illness, out of his will. My mother was cut out of her father's will, in favor of her brother, who was always in trouble and in need. I'm sure that both my sister and I will be cut out of our parents' will, because we've refused to put up with their abusive b.s. over recent years. And I've cut my oldest daughter out of my will, because she knows that she betrayed my trust two years ago, and refuses to acknowledge my hurt or apologize for her actions.

It occurs to me that the excuse that you don't "need" the money may be a cover-up - afterall, many people leave inheritances to people who don't apparently "need" more wealth.

Perhaps, instead, your brother is (unconsciously or consciously) angry that he is dependent on you and your husband - most men's egos really suffer from their loss of independence. Or maybe that he feels that you will outlive him and go on to have a good life, unlike your ne'er do well siblings, whom he needn't envy. So he justifies not having to "help" you keep living any better than you already are...

Karl Marx, the so-called Father of modern Communism, wrote: "To each according to his need, from each according to his ability." It seems that your brother is following this dictim in his will, though it's likely he doesn't sympathize with the politics or economics of communist idealogy.

You might consider letting him know that YOU plan to write your will by some other idealogy - like fairness, equity, or based on merit, and you wish he'd do the same, since you feel hurt that he's left you out entirely. More boldly, if you're energized and righteously indignant enough to carry it off, you might suggest to him what YOU'd think was fair (like an itemized accounting for the expenses you've incurred while taking care of him, that you might have otherwise spent - including hourly wages for yourself and your husband - on your own recreation).

In the end, you may not succeed in changing your brother's mind, or will, but I agree that letting hurt and anger simmer, unexpressed, is usually harder on us than finding a way to be honest about our negative feelings. Especially if you have no intention of bailing on him at this point (which, truthfully, I might do if I were in your shoes... My motto often is: Don't get mad, get even!), think of all that resentment you'd be stuffing as you chauffeur him here and there and provide emotional support.

(((hugs))) & wishes for your successful resolution of a painful dilemma,
Sandy in Silicon Valley

sarah · 11-14-2007, 12:32 PM

No one hurts you like family. I also feel you should tell him that you were shocked to learn he'd left you out of his will - that it made you feel that he didn't care for you or appreciate you and it has hurt you a great deal. Since you and your husband seem to be the most together ones, it would seem to have been more logically to leave it all to you with the understanding of helping out the others in a prudent way.
That said go outside and yell at him (not really at him just into the wind) and let it go.
Stay happy and peaceful in your life and look after your health.
big hug
sarah

Believe51 · 11-14-2007, 01:54 PM

Sweetheart I think we are related!! Same nonsense here, I stayed near family to help and I, of all relatives, am the black-sheep. NOT!! And neither are you. You need to take care of yourself and if talking helps, speak your mind. I always speak but sometimes it is better for me to talk to the terd I left behind in the commode than to try to speak to my certain someones. But taking care of relatives that disregard your respect is tough, was it really so difficult for him to recognize who has been there for him?? And you are also battling your own beast of sorts. I think Sandy said it right about the male ego. Listen to our other Warriors, their advice is priceless! Please put the anger slowly aside Sweetie, with time all wounds heal. I totally relate to the 'disfunctional family thing' and as hard as it is for us, I must. Bigger and better fish to fry so to speak.

If you ask me Sherry, I think that you have the most wealth of the bunch. You are strong and beautiful, so full of life. You have learned lessons thus far that many shall never know. Take the time you are given and reverse all of that pain into something positive hard as it may be. And know that anything I have said here has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MONEY. How dare anyone not realize what a giving, loving person you are and shame on them for the lack of respect!! And for the silent siblings who are never there...shame on you too!! Uggh!! I love you Sherry, please take care of YOU first!! Hope I helped even a little>>Believe51

Joanne S · 11-19-2007, 10:08 AM

Chrisy, You said it exactly as I would.

I agree with all the others too.

Sherry, I think you are wonderful in taking care of your brother. I wish you courage to be totally open and honest when you talk to your brother ASAP for your own well being. I think your brother will be glad too.

After you talk to your brother, you'll be feeling so much better!

StephN · 11-19-2007, 12:47 PM

Hi Sherry -
How are the "new boundaries" going??

Did your sister take the Scrooge to Houston this time?

Don't let them drag you kicking and screaming back into the old pattern, OK.

Have a happy holiday this week - you deserve that.

Dear G*d, I am thankful my family does not let money come between us. No one is very rich, but we all have more than adequate incomes or ways to make what we need. One exception, my sisters's stepson, who has a wife who won't work and continues to spend ...

KathyH · 11-20-2007, 06:37 AM

Hi Friend,
I am sorry you have been hurt. It seems that your brother has fallen into the pattern of rewarding unwise decision making. The wise thing seems to me to give you your share and give you your siblings' share in trust for them since you have proven yourself capable and worthy. For most people with money problems, the problem is not solved by more money. I wish that your brother could see this, but how many of us can think clearly when our circumstances are as dire as his? I know he didn't intend to hurt you, but I am sorry that he did unintentionally. I hope that things can be resolved in a judicious manner that is not hurtful to anyone.
Love, KathyH

MJo · 11-20-2007, 07:56 AM

Keep talking everyone. I made a will and wanted to leave leave it all to one niece whose parents are not well off. I have two other nieces from a well-off family. My lawyer gently guided me to leave something to all of them; I certainly love all of them. I don't plan to check out soon, but I think it could hurt them to be left out. Your brother is trying to take care of the screw ups. I think you should talk to him.