Uncontrolled emotions-

DanaRT · 09-20-2008, 07:51 AM

I had a very upsetting experience on Thursday. I traveled with co-workers to a marketing seminar in Chicago for orthodontic practices. I was completely unprepared as the (motivational) speaker wrapped up his session with how laughter has been known to help and possibly cure cancer. He seemed to dwell a little too long on cancer and how a positive attitude/laughter is the best medicine. I felt my eyes well up and knew I was going to need a good cry so I left. Logically, I knew my co-workers weren’t hearing it the way I was. But I felt their energy as I am sure they were thinking I wonder what Dana thinks of this-or maybe they thought nothing of it and I was being self-conscious. A few co-workers followed me to my hotel room. I couldn’t explain my unhappiness to them – but I knew you (on this forum) all would understand.

My boss happened to be in the elevator when I was heading to my room and he noticed I was emotional. He warmly placed his hand on my shoulder but then he said, “You have to laugh more!” That set me off-- I was just angry. Angry I had cancer, angry I have lost friends to cancer, angry, angry, angry(!) and angry my friends and co-chemo buddies lost their lives but not because they had bad attitudes! I wanted to scream.

I was embarrassed but pulled myself together asked God for strength to make it through the rest of the day as a professional. I washed my face, put on new make-up and went back to the meeting rooms. I knew I couldn’t have been the only one in the room of 100’s who had been touched by cancer but I was the only one with VERY short hair. I returned refreshed but some where uncomfortable yet overly friendly towards me. Later that evening, I apologized to my boss.

I thought of you all on this forum and know I am not alone by having this episode of uncontrolled emotion at the WORST possible time.

Love to all of you.

P.S. When I am working I am always upbeat, energetic and positve about my future. Co-workers have remarked that I have handled my dx and treatment as though I were having a tooth pulled. I think some were surprised that I do have to have a good cry.

Margerie · 09-20-2008, 08:04 AM

Dana,

The motivational speaker is out of touch. Some people want to be immune to cancer. If they believe they can happy their way out of a cancer diagnosis....well I guess ignorance is bliss.

You were caught off-guard. Sometimes we just can't get the emotional wall up in time. Thinking of those who are lost to cancer is devastating.

My uncontrolled moment also came unexpectedly. I took the diagnosis, prognosis, treatment plan and treatment all with dignity. Then after it was all over, I decided to get my first bikini wax before my reconstructive surgery on advice from a friend. When the wax lady at the spa asked me if this was my first time getting a wax, I cried like a baby.

But like you say,

Life is Good

Mary Anne in TX · 09-20-2008, 08:18 AM

Dana, your story really touched me. After 2 1/2 years of being a "good soldier", I seem to have a "come apart" at the drop of a hat! I can't say it's all because I'm still doing herceptin and going to the clinic every 3 weeks. I think it's the losses that come along with cancer. It really hurts that those around us don't understand. My husband keeps reminding me that if they really allowed themselves to understand they'd have to deal with the feelings it brings up for them and most people just won't. People do want us to be brave, happy, healthy, trouble-free.
I think the greatest sadness for me is the loss of ability. I used to be able to work circles around others (no matter their age) and kick my brain in gear at a moment's notice to problem solve. Now, I have to plan brain time to get it to function at a good level...no stress, peace and quiet, feel good!
I think this time will pass just as other times do, but it's hard to be a "fruit cake" so much of the time.
I think you're terrific for working, going to a seminar, facing your feelings and dealing with the life you were dealt. Hope you'll take a minute to feel a big hug and way-to-go-girl from me!
Thank God for the folks at this site!
Much love and real feelings, ma

BonnieR · 09-20-2008, 11:26 AM

As they others have said, I find myself getting caught off guard and being tearful at unexpected times.
That speaker sounds like another variation of "blame the victim." He might be very well-meaning but it always ends up sounding (to US, anyway) like we did something "wrong"
It seems your co-workers were taken by suprise since you have such an upbeat attitude usually. So you have shown them another side of things...

AlaskaAngel · 09-20-2008, 11:58 AM

Golly, Dana. You have such strong expectations for your public self.

Situations can sneak up on us. I felt really betrayed when I was honest with my PCP about how I am still unhappy about the treatment and the onc I had, because afterward my PCP made such an effort to let me know in a dozen petty little ways how much he honors the patients who have a "positive attitude".

I haven't yet met a single care provider along the entire journey who has actually "been there" so I think it is up to me to carry the load and make the effort to bridge the gap with plain honesty and dignity as it comes up. People who put in the extra effort as care providers can confuse their dedicated commitment to it with "knowing what is best for us" even though at best they are throwing a dart blindfolded and hoping to hit the target.

You are human and you have earned your place in the total scheme of things.

AlaskaAngel

Mary Jo · 09-20-2008, 06:27 PM

Hi Dana....

Sending gentle HUGS and a HUGE amount of understanding your way. I hear you loud and clear.

Love to you,

Mary Jo

PinkGirl · 09-20-2008, 06:58 PM

Hi Dana
Thanks for your post. I have come to realize that a lot of people
are not comfortable around someone who has cancer unless that
person is fighting the good fight with a smile on their face. Our
society doesn't look up to someone who is displaying any kind of
perceived weakness. We honour the fighters not the criers.

I've been told by many people that I have handled everything
very well. I always say "you don't see me when I'm not".
I haven't had any "meltdowns" in public but I am sure I will some
day.

Be true to yourself. If that's the way you felt that day then that's
the way you felt. Your boss probably didn't know what else to say
to you at that moment. I know that I will never be the person I was
before my dx. and there are times when I have different reactions to
things. I guess this is the new me.

Joan M · 09-20-2008, 07:11 PM

Dana,

Thanks for letting us know about your experience, and I'm sorry that you had to be subject to the situation. And we all take offense sometime.

The "positive attitude" people can be really annoying. Not that it isn't good to be positive (may as well be happy when possible), but some how they get that mixed up with being positive as a cancer preventative or cancer cure.

Lance Armstrong said it best in his book, It's Not About the Bike, when he noted that he'd seen very positive people succumb to cancer and negative people beat it.

My maternal grandmother, who was a miserable person, lived to be 96 and in pretty good health up to the last year of her life.

I feel better and can handle things better if I remain positive, but that's not to be confused with a guarantee of perfect health.

Joan

Barbara2 · 09-20-2008, 08:46 PM

Well said, Joan! I think most people are well intentioned when they say things such as "stay positive" or "your positive attitude will help you beat this," etc. etc. They want to be encouraging and feel they have to say something, but they have no idea how such comments are received by someone with cancer. It puts more pressure on us to appear happy or actually be happy, which, in their opinion, will help us to stay well!

The fact is, that many "fighters" and "positive thinkers" have not been able to beat cancer. My dad is one of them. I know of no one who loved life more than he and people loved him in return. He lost his fight but it most definately was not due to his attitude.

Life is easier if you have more ups than downs, but it is not being happy or being sad that will make the difference of beating cancer or not.

kcherub · 09-20-2008, 09:08 PM

Wow. Remind me to not book that speaker. Ever.

I used to laugh all the time. I would say that I was even "bubbly". I guess I laughed my butt all the way to the infusion room.

Take care and chin up,
Krista

Catherine · 09-20-2008, 10:39 PM

Dana,

Thank you for sharing you story. Just goes to show that a lot of people (speakers and bosses alike) are clueless. Hey, we belong to a private club, no one here is clueless.
The fact that you could wash your face and go back out for round two, shows what a suvivor you are.

I sure wish life in "polite" society did not have to be so difficult at times.

Hugs, Catherine

Lien · 09-21-2008, 12:03 AM

Dear Dana,

I'm sorry you had to be subjected to that kind of gobbledycock. And I think it's a good thing you showed your co-workers that cancer is not a walk in the park, emotionally speaking. You've made things easy for them by being brave, but they should know that it's been hard for you.

About the positive attitude: My Mom was an optimist, always brave, always ready to face things that came her way, always having fun. She died from cancer of the esophagus. My Dad, on the other hand, is a worryer, an eternal pessimist, and sometimes a bit of a hypochondriac. He survived prostate cancer.

I am an optimist, I laugh a lot, I believe I will be ok. I had breastcancer.

Laughing is good for the immunes system, but most cancer cells have found a way to mislead the immune system.

Someone who has had cancer is entitled to being emotional. Your co-workers just don't know how to deal with it. They probably were just as surprised when you teared up as you were. They will get over it!

Hugs to you!

Lien

DanaRT · 09-21-2008, 08:02 AM

Thank you all very much for sharing your thoughts on this. I feel much better knowing that even though I was hyper-senstive that morning what I was feeling was normal.

Take care

WomanofSteel · 09-21-2008, 12:25 PM

Personally I think what you experienced is very normal considering what we go through on a daily basis. Unfortunately our coworkers don't always engage their brains before they open their mouths. They do mean well most times, they just don't know the right way to communicate this. I have had times when coworkers or customers in my store were so upset about petty things, that I wanted to scream at them who gives a rats butt I have stage 4 cancer!!!! I did manage to control myself and just went to the stockroom and arrrggghhed very loudly. I have had many tearful moments at work and as frustrating and embarassing as they can be they are probably a very healthy release. It just may be what the doctor ordered as they say.

Gerri · 09-21-2008, 02:35 PM

Dana,

Yes, we understand completely. I think sometimes we are so good at putting on a happy face that we fool everyone, including ourselves. All of a sudden it catches up with us and everyone is taken by surprise. I haven't had a meltdown yet, but I know it will probably happen someday.

I worked full time through treatment and after a while I honestly think that everyone forgot I had cancer. Sometimes I would tell my best friend at work about some of my side effects from treatment. She always had a symptom of her own to compare it to - blaming it on menopause or the aging process. I just stopped telling her anything. I almost felt like we were competing - or at least she was with me. After a while, when asked, I said I was doing well, even if I wasn't having such a great day.

I really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it is hard. Most people really don't know how to react to someone with cancer and I think sometimes what comes out is more a matter of trying to make themselves, and us, feel better about the whole crappy thing.

You showed real strength and courage by walking back into that meeting room. A true warrior!

Jackie07 · 09-21-2008, 03:37 PM

Dana,

Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, it is very, very normal. And the emotion has to be dealt with.

Two years after I had lost my job as a result of my first brain surgery, I burst out crying uncontrollably in front of a rehabilitation counselor. His comment? "You have an unresolved psychological complex and need to go see a doctor." I cried even harder when I talked to the staff at a public-funded facility a couple of days later. So they sent me to see another person...

I think they were trying to 'desensitize' me, because each time a new staff would ask me the exact same question, "how did you lose your job?" But it worked. Because after telling strangers about my story several times, the crying spell stopped.

And you think this time when I lost my job after recurring breast cancer treatment I would have dealt with it better? Not really. It could be that I am just a cry baby - which I trully am. But it is really sort of like PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and it's going to take time and effort to get over it.

This board is a big help... Again, thanks for sharing, and I hope you feel a little better each day.

dlaxague · 09-21-2008, 04:31 PM

I agree with almost everything that's been said and won't repeat the wise words already here. Except to add two things:

I do think that Jackie is right-on with her comment about talking about hard things and reviewing them repeatedly. I remember clearly that vulnerable "burst-into-tears" period soon after diagnosis and treatment. But I had people to talk to (other survivors, online) and over time, as I vented and explored, I became perfectly comfortable with any lay-person discussion of cancer, without that personal emotional component (except for anger when mis truths like "positive-attitude-cures-cancer" were bandied about - that took a little longer to resolve, because I bridled in defense of the many wonderful, and positive, women I know who did succumb to breast cancer. Now, I can respond politely and calmly to dispel that theory, but it took awhile to achieve distance).

I achieved it, eventually, thanks to my wonderful online breast cancer friends who listened. Just the listening - not even the agreeing or the sharing - but the simple honest support of loving and non-judgmental listening - helped me so much.

Nowadays, I am still frequently astounded when I meet someone with breast cancer in their past. They begin to tell me what happened to them, perhaps even 20 years ago. They seem to be perfectly normal, functioning women. But when they start to tell me details of their experience with breast cancer - they are so vulnerable. Often, tears come to them. I think that's because they didn't have a place (unlike us on this list) to talk honestly about the experience.

Because I had an online community of support (I hadn't found the HER2list at that time - for me it was bclist.org), I didn't need to rely on those in my "regular" life for that. I was able to take whatever clumsy things they said to me (and most involved that darned "positive-attitude-beats-cancer" theme) as simple expressions that they cared about me and about what happened to me and so I was able to thank them, with sincerity, for their concerns.

Secondly, as we discuss these shared emotions here, we are building our ability to educate the lay public. If we respond with tears and anger (perfectly reasonable responses - I had them in the beginning and suspect that all people diagnosed with cancer have them if they allow themselves to think) - those truths that we are saying are written off by most people as our way of "dealing with" our fears and tribulations. I remember after one emotional vent in those early days, someone said to me "that must feel good to have gotten that off your chest", as if it was all emotion and no truth. Totally dismissive. I'm sure that's how it sounded at the time. Now, with less emotion and more calm certainty, I'm able to discuss the exact same topic (positive-attitude-does-not-cure-cancer) and I am taken seriously.

Molly Ivins said it succinctly (you may have noticed, succinctness is not a skill of mine (laughing!)):

" "Another thing you get as a cancer patient is a lot of football-coach patter. "You can beat this; you can win; you're strong; you're tough; get psyched." I suspect that cancer doesn't give a rat's ass whether you have a positive mental attitude. It just sits in there multiplying away, whether you are admirably stoic or weeping and wailing. The only reason to have a positive mental attitude is that it makes life better. It doesn't cure cancer."

Debbie Laxague

BethC · 09-21-2008, 07:18 PM

Dana,
I am always amazed at how people who don't know what they are talking about have an opinion about why cancer occurs or what can cure it. The speaker was a total moron. I never know when I'm going to get emotional and I think that is probably pretty normal. I do get really mad when people make it seem like the reason you get cancer is because you've done something wrong.

Hang in there and sending you best wishes from Indy!
Love,
Beth

P.S. I did the Race for the Cure in Evansville today with my friends (where I moved from last year) and it was really moving.

Kimberly Lewis · 09-22-2008, 06:14 AM

Wow, this really struck me... what a struggle this has been for all of us. I did my best to laugh through it but my cancer jokes were met with shocked stares. My tears were met with "pull it together, a lot of people survive this". It seemed that nothing was the right attitude. I finally got on Zoloft and feel like it has taken that hard edge off my emotions and I am so much easier to live with. Not sure what the negatives are but no one has given me that "look" in a long time.

rebecca0623 · 09-22-2008, 08:43 AM

Thanks so much for voicing your emotions. I find myself resenting all the well meaning people who tell me that their aunt, mother,father, friend had cancer and got through it "just fine" and is "back to normal". I suspect they don't really know what is in that person's heart, I don't think "normal" is the word. I resent what I feel is a dismissive attitude -
"the treatments are so advanced now, really you will be fine". I might have been one of those people myself if I had not lost my mother. Truth is you don't know about tomorrow, cancer or not. I do believe in laughter but it doesn't cure anything. Just lost my hair this week and am getting more and more of those "how great, you don't have to style your hair I'm so envious!" comments as well. I don't feel so lucky. I hope I am as graceful if I find myself in a similar situation!