Just feeling so angry

[chekmark]

This is so minor compared to what we have all already been thru or are still going thru but I was just wondering if anyone felt angry at the world. I will have completed herceptin a year ago next week and for the last few weeks I have felt mad, mad, mad. I get mad at the drop of a hat mostly at my poor husband who cannot do anything right in my eyes cuz I am just so angry.

Is this a post treatment thing or should I be concerned? This may sound stupid but I am just so angry. I have had alot of test lately and doing the waiting game again and just have been on overload. Appointment after appointment after appointment (So far everything has come out good) but why am I so angry right now.

I go to work everyday and put on a happy face but by the time I get home I am angry again. Grouchy. My poor husband just takes it and tells me that I have just been thru so much and I finally need to vent. I hope that is it but I hope is passes soon cuz I don't like it.

Go ahead and tell me I am crazy. I am almost embarrassed about posting this but it just has me rattled and of course ANGRY!

Anyone?

[Mary Anne in TX]

You're not crazy. It's how you feel. I did some of the same things. I found mowing the yard and yelling at an empty chair worked best for me. There are places where it's helpful to play the part of the "smiley face....I'm just fine" person because it's hard for others to understand. I wish more places had bc survivor meetings....kind of a "I'm _____ and I'm a BC survivor and I'm angry, sad, or whatever". I had to create something for myself. But for me, I didn't start dealing better til I let myself have the feelings and talked myself through them out loud. If it's crazy, I'm very crazy, but so much happier!
Best wishes.

[yanyan]

Maybe your anger is due to hormone changes as I noticed you are also er/pr +. Maybe it's not you- it's your body. I am more sad and scared than angry.

[chekmark]

Yan,
I never thought about that. I hope you are right. I was scared and sad in the begining also, just an emotional wreck then I was done and I was HAPPY now just angry. May Anne, thanks for confirming that I am not crazy although some may beg to differ. lol. Stay healthy my friends. Darlene

[kvogler]

How can any of us on this board think you're crazy?? I myself just posted how my emotions are out of whack and I feel I might need meds to help. I feel guilty for having messed up emotions when I know others are worse off than me and I should be grateful for a lot of things. This stupid cancer messes with you in so many ways and only those that are in our situation fully appreciate what you're going through. Let's both hang in there!

[BonnieR]

Your husband (bless all of their hearts!) may have a point. Sort of a delayed reaction kind of thing going on. Post Traumatic Stress. And the spouse is usually on the receiving end.
Yan makes a good case too for hormonal imbalance.
Or a reaction to drugs you may be taking. Or needing to take!
Does your treatment facility have anyone on staff you can talk to? A counselor or psychologist? Perhaps some medication might take the edge off
Keep the faith.

[evergreen]

Whenever I got out of sorts, I would swim (ESP in summer when my pool was open). There is something about water and the exercise that calmed me. Natural endorphins.

[Debbie L.]

Darlene, I wish we had the words to just fix this for you. The only words I have are to remind you that it is SO normal to find that end of treatment doesn't mean end of breast cancer's emotional impact. Probably for most women, it's rather the opposite. Emotions are put on the back burner during the more acute part of diagnosis and treatment (when it often takes all we have just to cope physically), but they often boil over afterwards.

You have so many options now, to help yourself work thru these emotionally tumultuous times. First and foremost, be patient and gentle with yourself. Whether it's anger, sadness, fear -- it's all normal. Ways to help include counseling, exercise (preferably vigorous, gasping, thigh-burning), group support, spiritual exploration/deepening, and medication. Some people just go with pure distraction -- traveling perhaps, or immersing themselves in an important project, whether for profit or personal satisfaction (volunteer).

Any or all of these are frequently reported to help, but no one thing helps everyone. So it's to you to figure out what works for you. It won't be easy (alas), but probably in the process of doing that figuring-out, you'll learn important things about yourself and about life.

Debbie Laxague

[Kellennea]

Darlene - Me too. The sad thing in my case, I didnt even realize how angry and mean I was being to my husband until he told me one of his friends asked if we were having problems. EEEK! That meant two things: I looked like a totally B*&%$ to his friend and, my amazing husband was putting up with something that he totally shouldnt have had to (love him)

I chalked it up to hormones and when I had to have my hysterectomy in September, I saw the changes in myself. My poor husband. Now I stop and process stuff in my head before I react. Im not 100% but I feel like I am much, much better than I was and we are getting alone waaaay better.

I hope you are able to break away from the anger

[karen z]

At one patient support group I went to (maybe a year or two after diagnosis) I think every single person there had experienced a change in emotions (most often, felt depression more than anger but also anger- or anxiety/fear). Also, most of us had (for the first time in our lives) asked to be on something (usually an anti-depressant) to help out a bit. I would encourage you to talk to a counselor for awhile (either "out there" or, hopefully, free of charge, through a cancer wellness program at your hospital or a hospital in your city). Often times, counselors are made available free of charge if one is not "too far out" from treatment. You are most definitely NOT crazy- but might feel better talking to someone who understands and might feel better taking something to "even out" your emotions for awhile.

[KsGal]

I was swinging between being angry and bawling my eyes out for no reason. I went to a counselor, who told me that it was similar to post traumatic stress. She said that all through treatment we feel like we have to be strong, we have to act like we are doing okay to help everyone else deal. Then, suddenly when we reach a safe point, all those feelings and fear come exploding out, because now it is a safe time to express it. My episodes started after I finished chemotherapy.
In my case I went on a medication to help me with my mood swings for a few months. Im sure medication is not the only way to deal with it, but share with your doctor what you are going through. Big hugs to you, sweetie. Its gonna get better!

[Rolepaul]

This is going to sound crazy, but your husband still oves you even when you are angry at him. Anger turned in is depression. Anger turned outward is rage. Anger used to get focus is action. Eye of the gier!. Rocky to Clubber Lang, "You ain't so bad!", that needs to be your focus on your disease. It is time to figure out how to make the anger work for you. Your husband reminds you of where you were in life, and the things that you might not be able to do. Find out new things that make you happy.

[sarah]

Hi Chekmark,
Talk to your doctor about going on an anti-depresant for a short while. I went through a similar emotional state after finishing chemo but still doing Herceptin and a friend told me I was suffering from depression! me, I said, I don't get depressed but she was right, my emotions were out of whack. I went on anti-depresants for a while and it calmed me down, I regained my emotional life and then stopped the drug and was fine. I was very afraid about going on them having heard that people who took prosac had to take it for life, could never stop so I talked to my chemo doc about that and the fact that I didn't want to take anything I'd have to take forever and she put me on a drug that I started taking 1/2 a pill, then a pill and when I stopped, I took 1/2 then 1/4 then nothing and never had a problem. I was also on Femara at the time and as others have suggested it may have been the estrogen suppression that did it.
good luck and realize a lot of us have gone through the same emotions and eventually your get your life back.
hugs and love
sarah