May I just say ...

StephN · 07-02-2009, 06:51 PM

...that my suggestion to close (as opposed to REMOVING) the thread "From Cautious Remission to Freedom" was, I felt, in the best interest of the members here. Andi's subject is a VERY important one for ALL of us, no matter what our stage, as we grow away from the cancer having a grip on us to "getting a grip" on the cancer and changing the way we deal with our disease.

To me this was the crux of the thread and the topic had run way off the rails. Various thoughts and opinions had been expressed and acknowledged, but the thread was not getting back on the main message and discussion.

It takes guts to back track over years of fear of the unknown and feeling fatigued with barely the strength to carry on. To follow those years through to the point where life took on a different color, if you will. It needs a person who can understand herself to dig down and come up with the mental and physical ability to make a major move and take hold of the cancer and try to break its grip. Maybe less so if a person is early stage, but that is an individual matter.

So, I hope no one misunderstood me in that effort to keep the normal tone of this group more harmonious, even if we sing different notes.

P.S. Also want to wish everyone a peaceful and happy Fourth of July weekend. I plan to relish the significance of this time and honor all those who have fought bravely for us to live in this country where we are free to speak, interact and enjoy the gift of this web site.

hutchibk · 07-02-2009, 07:24 PM

I agree that as the post digressed away from its original intent, it was best to nip it in the bud by closing it to further comment.

By closing it to comment, but not deleting it, it can remain accessible in perpetuity and Andi's message is available for all who are interested or might benefit from her story. It is a powerful story.

alicem · 07-02-2009, 08:49 PM

Thank you ladies, very well put. Let me add that I am happy to be a member of this Her2 chorus! I just love harmonizing with all of you. Here's to lots of singing from all of us.

PinkGirl · 07-03-2009, 05:19 AM

I think this little crisis was handled poorly. Anyone who was following the thread knows that it went off course ... derailed. But the thread wasn't "finished". Many members were enjoying it and benefiting from it. Now it's on lock down.

AbbyDawgs comments to Andi were mean and personal. This is not acceptable. Andi did not retaliate .. she tried to keep going with her thread. I think closing it was taking the easy way out.... easier to bring out the old padlock than to deal with a member who chose to be mean spirited and hurtful.

I don't need any help to NOT read a thread. It's the old "double click" thing ... don't do it. We've had this type of problem before and I can remember two other times when it involved "Andi threads". So what is Andi supposed to do now? Start another thread? See how far she can get before someone is offended and tries to pick a fight? I think the wrong people have been punished.

So I'll be taking another break from the board. I've got enough crap going on
in my life that I don't need more from my support group. I hope everyone can
play nice in Joe and Christine's living room .... and remember .... you don't have to double click.

Jean · 07-03-2009, 06:26 AM

I am sorry Steph, I have to agree with Pinkgirl on this one. I think the reason the thread went off rail for a bit was that many of us were trying to reach out to Abby in kindness (she mentions she is isolated) ....and still concentrate on Andi 's thread at the same time, I think many of us can multi task. Please note even though you closed down the thread...another snide comment was placed on another post, so what was solved ....Abby has taken a strong stand on her feelings, but chooses not to respect Andi's.

Now we have two members who are absent from the board! Pinkgirl and Andi...I was concerned this would occur when that thread was closed. Everyone responded to Abby in a respectful manner and reached out to her in good spirit.

Jean

hutchibk · 07-03-2009, 09:33 AM

ha! just like a real family - disagreeing about how best to keep the peace...

Anyhoo, I hope everyone has a great holiday, however long it may be!

Lien · 07-03-2009, 09:41 AM

Okay, I missed all that. Perhaps we can agree to disagree more often?

I'm a communications trainer, specializing in difficult situations and miscommunication. Quite often words that are written are interpreted differently from when they are spoken. As body language is very important in conveying people's intentions, miscommunication is lurking around the corner on a forum like this one. So if something like this happens again, and you think I could help before the whole thing derails, please let me know.

I can't magically undo what has been said, but sometimes I can help bring things back to an acceptable level.

Jacqueline

Jackie07 · 07-03-2009, 12:26 PM

One thing just came to my mind - in 'sexual harassment' cases, the proof lies in the victim's perception. Because everyone has different 'threshhold' to certain emotions, the majority will need to 'yield' to the minority, however unecessary it might seem.

Because of my brain surgeries and chemotherapies, I have some problem in the 'short-term' memory area. It is very hard for me to learn new tasks, especially the 'easy' ones that only take others 'seconds' to learn. [Because I won't have time to use my 'compensatory' skills and mechanism to lock it into my 'long-term memory.]

A couple of months after I joined the board in 2007 (?) during my recurrence, I realized that I had joined the board in 2003 (or 2004) during my first breast cancer treatment. I was busy attending teacher training classes in 2004 after my chemo and probably did not feel the need to visit the board. Part of the reason could also be my cognitive problems - I could have simply forgotten about it. (Now you know why none of the schools would renew my teaching contracts - it had become a 'safety' issue.)

Because of my own experience, I tend to think the members who had 'vanished' from the board are either no longer with us physically or just not feel the need to visit the board at the time.

It amazes me how much effort Joe and Christine have put into this Board. It amazes me even more how many brave souls are here daily to attend to each others' need. I have always believed in 'Love never fails'. And I believe and hope 'Love, keep us together." [Any Captain and Tennile fans out there?

]

Lien · 07-03-2009, 01:58 PM

I think you hit the nail on the head here, Jackie! We all perceive things differently, because we have stored information in our brains linked to different experiences. E.g. If you were in a car crash while the Beatles were playing Yesterday on the radio, you will associate that music with something bad. If they were playing the same song when your boyfriend asked you to marry him, it's a different story.

I often tell my clients: there are many truths and something can be true for you, when it isn't for me. If we stop looking for the truth or for someone we can blame for our unpleasant feelings and start having respect for each others' intentions, life becomes a lot easier for many of us. But that's an art many never master. It's even harder when you've been through the wringer because of cancer.

Over the years I've learnt that judging others based on limited information is a bad idea.

But when we hurt and someone hits the sore spot, we can't think clearly and we either flee or fight.

Jacqueline

AbbyDawg · 07-03-2009, 02:19 PM

Quote:

AbbyDawgs comments to Andi were mean and personal. This is not acceptable. Andi did not retaliate ....

We've had this type of problem before and I can remember two other times when it involved "Andi threads". So what is Andi supposed to do now? Start another thread? See how far she can get before someone is offended and tries to pick a fight?

I think the wrong people have been punished.

I am tired of being the kicked dog on the the forum. So much of my original post was blown totally out of proportion and taken in directions clearly I did not say or intend. I was not trying to pick a fight. And it seems I was not the first to be troubled by some types of posts.

Until this happened, I did not know you could block an ID so you did not have to read their posts.

And it seems most on the forum did not see Andi's vicious post before Joe took it down almost immediately.

All of the the PMs I received were supportive and I thank you dearly.

Lien · 07-03-2009, 02:36 PM

Dear Abby and all,

I am sure you didn't mean to start a fight here.

Shall we all agree that not everybody feels the same way about some things and leave it at that? I don't think you or anyone should be kicked and let's stop it now.

Please, if you want to, block those whose posts you don't want to read and let us all go back to what this forum was meant for: support.

I didn't read the post you (Abby) are referring to, and I don't want to read it. Let's all just move on. We have better things to do.

Love

Jacqueline

AbbyDawg · 07-03-2009, 02:39 PM

Yes!

Thank you, Jacqueline!

Chelee · 07-03-2009, 03:06 PM

In all due respect to Steph & others I totally agree with Pink on this one. It's alright for people to express their feelings, but to be directly mean spirited towards someone is just uncalled for.

It’s just awful that we now have members that have to think twice about posting their good results, or an encouraging story of hope. We have several if not more people that are now afraid to post & that should concern all of us. I know what it feels like to not be comfortable posting here after someone criticized me harshly for asking a question once. Since that time I've never felt comfortable asking a question again. I absolutely hate the idea that anyone else on this board should feel the same way.

It’s so simple...if you don't like something just don't click on that link. This board is organized and set-up nicely. It makes it real easy to pick and choose what you are interested in reading. If someone has a personal issue with another...Joe also has that covered too...its called "Private message".

Closing the thread is not always the answer...everyone should have a right to be heard if they are being respectful to the others.

Let it be known that I like Andi's posts & I don't want others making decisions for me on what is allowed on this board & what's not. (With the exception of Joe & Christine)

Chelee

Cannon · 07-03-2009, 03:27 PM

I would like to say "oy vey."

What I like about online support groups as opposed to in person ones is that it is easy to take what you like, and leave the rest. There is no need to engage with anyone in a negative way.

What I like about this support group is
1) that it is very focused, on a particular type of breast cancer, that I have
2) that there are tales of hope and inspiration every day
3) that good news is celebrated
4) that people with bad news are supported
5) that there are SUPER knowledgeable people here willing to share their knowledge, expertise, and experience
6) that Joe and Christine bust their butts to make it possible

For some reason, there are group dynamics in any group like this, and some people project their own stuff onto other people, and some people take on stuff that isn't theirs. Try to let it go...

Rebecca

MTome · 07-03-2009, 05:52 PM

Dear members,

I was encouraged by Andi to join this site. I am a new member and was very inspired when I read Andi's post a couple of weeks ago. Reading all this just blows my mind, all this bickering is so childish and such a turn off to a new
member like myself honestly.I am dealing with stage 4 and to read all of Andi messages were very encouraging. Oh well. I wish you all well and god bless you.

Ceesun · 07-03-2009, 06:51 PM

I read Andi's original post and was inspired by it. Thinking of Andi, Christine, Stephanie, and others who are long term survivors gives me hope and encouragement while realizing some reach long term survivorship and others do not. I did not read and will not read all that has come from that post...the misunderstandings or whatever has come from it--seems to have undone the good that was meant. None of us who come to this board need more aggravation in our lives---we are all dealing with enough. I respect Pink Girl very much she and this website have been a Godsend to me. Let's not tear each other down, cancer does enough of that. I think Andi is trying to give us hope and encouragement. I welcome that. In Harmony, Ceesun

vickie h · 07-03-2009, 09:46 PM

Steph,
Thank you for your insight. As usual, your words are right on target. I missed the whole controversy (glad I did) but your added insight is refreshing.
Much love,
Vickie

Pam P · 07-04-2009, 05:32 AM

I'm exhausted. I found myself reading through all these posts with an addictive like obsession ---- why? It's all been said & re-hashed numerous times. I hope we can all feel heard now & let it go - live and let live & move on. (sorry, I shouldn't even be writing this as now I'm continuing to contribute to it - we humans are complex creatures.) Peace to all.