Just need lifted..

abrown · 03-10-2008, 10:56 AM

Hello everyone,

I don't post alot but do lurk pretty much everyday. I am about 2 years out from dx. I finished a year of Herceptin last Nov. Here recently I have just been down and really looking at statitics. I think its because I am going for my chest xray and mri this month. I am somehow preparing myself to hear the worst. A part of me wants to bury my head in the sand and pass on the scans. Everything I have always been told is that er/pr- her2+ cancers are very aggressive and likely to have a distant recurrance. I know with the addition of herceptin that its decreased these changes by half but I also seen where herceptin fails in some people. So is 2 years a good mark for er/pr- her2+? And what are the chances of it spreading to my lungs since my xray last year? Sorry for all my whining but I really don'thave anyone that understands me and why i am stressing over an xray.

I'll be 29 this year and somedays i feel as if i'll go until i'm 80 and other days i'm not so sure.

MJo · 03-10-2008, 11:30 AM

You are not whining. As someone told me when I wrote a post similar to yours -- you are perfectly normal. "Someday I feel I can live until I'm 80 and some day I'm not so sure" -- that brought tears to my eyes, you said it so well. I am not surprised you are getting more nervous as your MRI approaches. I think all of us here start to feel queazy when routine tests like mammograms and MRIs get closer. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, maybe. Yes, two years out is good. Next year, three years out will be better -- and so on and so on. What are the chances of it spreading to your lungs since your last xray -- I don't know the statistics, but probably your changes are as good or bad as any of us here, which is why most of us are nervous before tests. But you have lots of support here -- keep posting -- and come back and let us celebrate with you when your tests are all clear.

hutchibk · 03-10-2008, 11:36 AM

Amanda- we all know how you are feeling - and it is normal to fear the unknown! Some ladies here on the site call the fear of scans "inscanity" - for obvious reasons.

My personal recommendation to you is to NOT ever read/look for statistics! They don't translate directly to real, living, breathing patients in real-time treatment. Stats that are posted are typically at least a few to several years behind the advances in treatments and results of the new advances in treatments. Please keep your head up and keep your thoughts light instead of dark. You will get through these scans and you will do great!

PinkGirl · 03-10-2008, 11:40 AM

Hi abrown,
I think this is the "new normal" that you hear
us talking about. As MJo and Brenda said, it is how
we all feel when waiting for scans and scan results.

It does get a bit easier as time goes on. We seem
to each find our own way to get through it.

Someone on this board said "don't borrow trouble".
This is what I try to do but it is not always easy.
I tell myself not to freak out until the docs give
me a reason to. I also take ativan!

Feel free to do your "venting" here. That's what
we're here for.

abrown · 03-10-2008, 11:42 AM

Thank you all so much. I try to be positive but sometimes its hard to fake that smile when you are terrified on the inside.

Amanda

hutchibk · 03-10-2008, 12:54 PM

Never fake it! Let yourself have the fear. Cry it out. Yell it out. Let it bubble up and then let it go for a while. Most importantly, once you do that, don't dwell... find and remind yourself of all of the reasons that you have a better chance that the scans will show nothing, as opposed to focusing on the lesser chance that at some point in the very distant future you might face a recurrence. And I can promise you that we have so many researchers working feverishly with so many treatments in the pipeline that "though we may not be able to direct the way the winds blow, we can always adjust our sails..."

Sweetie, you will be fine. I can just feel it. As my counselor always reminds me (and Pink also eloquently mentioned in her advice) "...don't live in the wreckage of the future..."

abrown · 03-10-2008, 01:28 PM

Glad I decided to post. I am so glad that you all have made me feel better. Being young I really have nobody my age to relate to in "real life" so it's tough for my friends to understand. I will definetly post more often.

Thanks again!
Amanda

BTW-put up an avatar so everyone could see the "whiner"

basset girl · 03-10-2008, 02:03 PM

Amanda, I know how you feel. I will be 2 years out next month. I went for a CT scan last Wednesday. Waiting on results now. I am just about stressed out. Some days it seems the fear overwhelms me especially during these scan days and waiting on results. My motto lately has been one day at a time and enjoy that day as much as possible and give all the worry to God. I pray that you will get good results and you and I both can enjoy each day!! Thinking of you.

Mary Jo · 03-10-2008, 02:08 PM

Hi Amanda,
Just had to offer you encouragement and love. I, too, am a 2 + year survivor who was also a stage 2. I truly know how you feel. Reaching this 2 year mark is AWESOME as I have been told. Your greatest time for recurrence was in this time frame - or so I was told once again. I'm no expert - not by a long shot BUT I do hear you and do TOTALLY UNDERSTAND that fear and anxiety. As the others have said, it is totally normal. To be honest, I wouldn't think you normal or would wonder what is wrong with me, if you didn't feel this way.

It sounds as if you are doing truly marvelous and I am so happy for you. I ask God to give you His peace as you face your upcoming tests. No matter how positive we want to be - no matter how often we tell ourselves or tell others, "we're not afraid" - we are. We are very afraid.

So dear "sister" may God be with you as face your tests. He will be, of that I am sure. Just TRY to rest in His loving arms and as you wait (oh the hardest thing of all) may you be comforted. When you get the "all clear" may you let out a SHOUT OF PRAISE AND THANKS and go do something SUPER DUPER for yourself. In my case it would be - EAT CHOCOLATE. (I can find a number of reasons to do that.)

Love to you Amanda and once again, I ask God to cover you with His peace.

Mary Jo

abrown · 03-10-2008, 02:56 PM

Everyone thank you for the words of encouragement. Mary Jo you you made me cry. Good tears....You have a way with your words that is so touching. Thank you for the prayers. I am a praying girl and I trust in the Lord. I pray for you ladies and most importantly I pray for a cure. I feel better now but I know when scan time comes I will be a basket case. Whew....what a ride...

much love,
Amanda

bashmaz · 03-10-2008, 03:00 PM

I, too, was stage 2, grade 3, er/pr- and her2+++.

I had 1+ve node, lumpectomy, 4AC, 4 Taxol 36 rads, no herceptin.

My whole path report had "poor prognosis" written next to every test result!

I'll be 6 years out from surgery on April 5 - and it certainly does get easier.

Marianne

abrown · 03-10-2008, 03:04 PM

Marianne,

That is great news! Thank you for sharing. I hope to be able to say the same thing one day.

goops · 03-10-2008, 03:05 PM

Breast cancer is hard for people of any age - but I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through it in my 20's.

I wish you good look with your scans - may everything be NED.

KellyA · 03-10-2008, 03:34 PM

Hi Amanda,

I just wanted to let you know that we all understand how you feel and that we are all here to support you. I can completely relate and am myself just a few months from my 2 year anniversary. VERY SCARY! I was also er/pr-, but had positive nodes. As I get further out from diagnosis, I am finding that I don't really want "to know" as much as I did in the beginning. Maybe because for the first time in a very long time I feel like myself again, can recognize myself in the mirror, and am happy- and the thought of that changing terrifies me. I think that it is important to remember that the odds are definitely in your favor, and that you've come such a long way already. I'll be praying for great scan results for you.

Love, Kelly

lexigirl · 03-10-2008, 04:11 PM

Hi Amanda,

Just wanted to welcome you. This is the place to vent away!! We can all relate to your fears. It's tough to not feel anxious at scan times. Prayer and support from others that are going through the same feelings really help make this bc more bearable.

I like what Pinkgirl said, "Don't borrow trouble". So easier said than done for sure! I truly believe that your scans will be terrific!!

Hugs,
Lexi

Bill · 03-10-2008, 04:58 PM

Hi Amanda, I'm glad you posted, too. It's better to share your feelings with the wonderful women and men on this site who know just what you're going through, than to sit there "stewing in your own juices", as the expression goes. Now, you have everyone praying for you and sending warm thoughts your way. You're not alone here. Heck, I bet even Lurkers are praying for you and thinking good thoughts for you. Love and warm wishes, Bill

abrown · 03-10-2008, 05:33 PM

You all are wonderful. Thank you so much for the warm wishes and welcomes. I never thought I would get this much support. Thats why I was so hesitant to post. Some boards are famous for not reconzing you if you are a new poster.

I will be coming here alot. Hope you don't mind me joining the group.

Joann · 03-10-2008, 06:18 PM

Amanda,

Good Luck with the scans - I pray that you have a positive outcome.

Joann

Mary Jo · 03-10-2008, 06:23 PM

Hi Amanda,

Oh do come back. I am so happy you have decided to join our group. The more the merrier I say.

Being diagnosed with breast cancer isn't something any of us would have chosen for ourselves but once it comes our way we have no choice but to accept it. However, we do have a choice in the company we keep

and the "company" here is loving, caring and supportive so please join in and help "share the love!!"

Peace to you....

Mary Jo

Mary Jo · 03-10-2008, 06:30 PM

Oops, for whatever reason the above post, posted twice. Not sure what I did.