Very Anxious

dawn · 03-07-2010, 03:59 PM

I start my Xeloda tomorrow and also my herceptin every three weeks and aredia I continue but every six weeks. Im very nervous and anxious. I wasn't this bad even when I was first dx with cancer. I have been on the verge of tears all day, wondering will this help, will it stop my liver progression, will I be around for my children to grow up. My son today, told me when he get a grown up and becomes a palentologist he will build a house next to his in Austrailia so I could babysit his kids. This is is lifelong dream to live in Austrailia and dig for dinosaur bones. I was almost crushed. I hate this disease. Sure I go into denial and I try to live my life normal for my children, but I guess starting treatment brings it to the forefront and makes you face the future, whatever it may be. I think Im in need of encouragement and hope badly. Any advice or suggestions?

Dawn

ElaineM · 03-07-2010, 04:42 PM

I know it is hard sometimes, but please try to stay positive. Postive thoughts help. One big piece of advice from me is to try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep searching for answers. Keep learning as much as you can about your health. Keep asking questions. Don't be afraid to speak up when you have concerns. Your health care professionals are there to address your concerns. That is their job.
You may want to ask one of your health care professionals about milk thistle. Milk thistle is used for liver health. There have been several discussions and posts about it on this website. I have taken it everyday for more than 11 years and I never had a liver met.
I never had an abnormal liver enzyme blood test either.

WolverineFan · 03-07-2010, 06:24 PM

Dawn,

My heart truly breaks for you because I have two small children myself, and I know the agony this disease creates and the fear of not being around to see them grow up, but you HAVE to keep positive. Believe that you WILL lick this, and believe that you WILL set an amazing example for your children, (as I am sure you do every day) so dust those gloves off, and make sure they are ready to kick cancer's a-- once again! You can do this, girl - don't doubt it!!!

We are always here when you feel anxious and need support, but we are also here to tell you to get up and fight one more time, because there WILL be a cure and you HAVE to be here when it is found.

Stay strong, please keep us posted, NEVER stop fighting.

flynny · 03-07-2010, 08:33 PM

This whole entire thing isn't fair and you deserve to live a long and happy life (I believe you will). Having the young ones is so difficult. They say the most amazing things and you want the best for them and you want a guarantee that you will be there for them. I tell myself everyday that "one day at a time" that's all I can do. Take a deep breathe and smile big and say I am going to get through this. Big hugs to you!

Jean · 03-07-2010, 10:43 PM

Oh Dawn,
of course you are worried it is only natural. You have alot to cope with, just being a Mom is a big job, let alone dealing with bc at the same time.

My mother once told me once I have children I will never put my head on the pillow again without some sort of concern or worry, no matter how old our children are.
My Mom like others worried about her girls well being
even when we were grown married women. Of course
it is much different with the younger children. I guess what I am attempting to say is as Moms that is part of our job no matter what else we are fighting.

Please try to be patient with yourself as you start your new treatment. All your feelings are natural and normal you need to hear postive stories of the women who have fought down this disease and are beating it.
Keep reminding yourself of those women, Andy, Christine, Brenda, Steph and many others. It is not easy but it is important to have postive thoughts.

Sending you much love and hugs,
jean

Ellie F · 03-08-2010, 05:55 AM

Hi Dawn
I to am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
Having to cope with this damn disease and carry on as normal is so hard.I know there are many others that have young children and are also very anxious. My own son is older and at university but the worry about not being there for your children stays with you as a mother regardless of their age.
When I had my recurrence Maryanne's words about thinking of it as 'an episode' really helped me through the chemo.
Staying positive and taking one day at a time sounds like a cliche but I have found that it is the only way. So some days are good and some days are filled with anxiety and fear and a battle to keep those thoughts at bay.
There is so much research going on at present to identify less toxic treatments that I feel shortly we will manage this disease like other chronic illness.

Hugs
Ellie

Pam P · 03-08-2010, 05:57 AM

Dawn -
I wish I could be here to give you a pep talk today, but the truth is I'm feeling much of what you are feeling right now. Yesterday my son, 33 yrs old, cried as he hugged me and said he was worried about me and that it wasn't fair that I had to go through this. My heart broke for him. Our children bring the same worries - and precious joys - to us no matter what their ages. I'm worried too, will this new chemo do any good, what will happen next.... my mind doesn't rest from the worry. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this to you; what you need right now is encouragement like you got on the earlier posts. But maybe it will also help in some way to know you aren't alone in your feelings either. And maybe we can buoy each other up in some way. As you start taking the xeloda and start seeing results it will strengthen your spirit. I'm praying I'll see good results soon too. We can do this - we have to do this, for our kids, for ourselves. We can stay strong and keep fighting.

SoCalGal · 03-08-2010, 07:59 AM

Hi Dawn,
(14) years ago, I was in your shoes. Then again, (8) years ago. Then again, (3) years ago.

We are often grieving our own passing, feeling so sad and so bad for our children, family and friends. I think this is very natural under our circumstances.

That said, I can tell you what really helped me:
Making a decision that I must not let my mind go into fear, that fear robbed me of every moment of living. AND most importantly, it's not the end result that matters but the PROCESS of how I LIVE. If you can stay in process, in other words, set an example for dealing with your illness with as much grace, courage and strength you can muster. That is the best gift you can give your kids. They will draw from how you handled adversity for the rest of their lives.

There were so many moments when my kids were little that would trigger such immense grief for me. Try to instead feel blessed that your son has such a sweet and loving dream to "live next door to you".

My mom always said, "don't write the ending". She was so right. Have a good cry while they're in school. Write your fears in a journal. And then, stay in the day - stay present and focus on the blessing of these moments.

Emelie B · 03-08-2010, 09:15 AM

Dawn,
I don't have young children, mine are 33, 24, 22, but I too am dealing with the return of the devil disease. My youngest is graduating from college in May and our first grandchild is coming in June, so we have a lot to look forward too.
Flori is soooo right. Do not let fear take you over. That is what for me, is the very worst part of this disease. Enjoy each day, each moment you open your eyes, and hug your beautiful babies.
Come here and we can talk and walk thru the next step together.
Listening to music always helps me.
Stay strong and we are here for you,
Emelie

Shobha · 03-08-2010, 09:35 AM

Dear Dawn,

All I can offer is my sincere prayers. I read and re-read posts from our brave sisters like Flori and try to cope. I too have small kids and understand what a torture this can be. But, I do feel the new combo of drugs will very soon bring you back to NED status...my prayers continue for you.

hugs,
shobha

Faith in Him · 03-08-2010, 10:27 AM

Another mom here with an 8 and 11 year old so I truly understand your pain. I am on Xeloda for IBC and have been for a year now. It has been a good drug for me and I pray the same for you. Once you see improvement, you'll feel better.

Cry if you need to. I still do often when certain events or conversations with the kids trigger it. But then brush yourself off and start swinging again. You can do this.

Hugs,
Tonya

dawn · 03-08-2010, 11:32 AM

Thank you everyone,

I just finished my first treatment. I envision Hercepton killing the cells as it goes through my body. My doctor today suggested a port as I can have all my infusions, blood work and tests done through this. I have agreed but it has left me in a state of shock. I know it would be easier for me, but I guess I'm really realizing that I will be on treatment for life and it kind of has me freaked out. Im at home now having my little cry before I go to get my kids, but you are right. I have to live my life, brush myself off and hope for the best. Thank you for your support and comforting words, that truly make me feel so much better.

Dawn

WolverineFan · 03-08-2010, 11:35 AM

Thanks for letting us know how it went today. I've been thinking about you all day. Have a good cry and then go hug those babies of your's. They will be your best and strongest inspiration. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Lori R · 03-08-2010, 04:00 PM

Dawn,
You can do this!!! I know this is the last place you want to be, but you will get through a 2nd time around.

I know because I've been there!! The drugs are more manageable and I was able to live a very full life while on Abraxane. The drugs actually worked as I am nearing a 1st year of being NED. I had a fast growing liver met that was at 3 CM. (nothing on the PET scan 6 months earlier).

So....you can beat this disease back and be here for your kids. (isn't that our first priority???) In the meantime, time marches on with new drugs, better procedures. If we can just outrun the bear....we are golden!!!

Lori

dawn · 03-08-2010, 04:38 PM

Thank you lori, Yes, I've got to believe Im going to be NED too and be here for my kids. They are my driving force as are you women here who get me through my dark hours.
Thank yOu, Thank you Thank you
Dawn

caya · 03-08-2010, 08:19 PM

Dawn,

Don't worry about the port - I had one for my entire treatment and it was the best thing - get some Emla cream and put it on before each treatment, blood draw etc. - it will numb the pain of the needle.

Sending lots of prayers for you and your family. They will be the strength you need to get through it all - and you will.

all the best
caya

PinkGirl · 03-09-2010, 09:25 AM

Hi Dawn (on The Rock)

I'm glad people have chimed in with encouragement. I agree
with the port decision. Having one totally changes the chemo
experience ... much easier for you and the nurses. It doesn't
mean it will be there forever.

Just a little suggestion: why don't you print Flori's response and
read it whenever you have your down times ... she's a very wise
woman and her mom also gave good advice ... "don't write the
ending" ... another one people say here is "don't borrow trouble".

We're all thinking of you and wish you the best.

MJo · 03-09-2010, 09:40 AM

Your son sounds awesome. Not sure from your post if it's his dream to dig for dinosaur bones or yours. My niece at age 7 told her parents she was going to play the oboe, and now at 24 she's finishing her Ph.D in oboe at a conservatory. I think you have a future paleantologist in your house. And I predict you will visit Australia with him --- and maybe Wyoming or Montana, or the La Brea tar pits!.

michka · 03-09-2010, 09:53 AM

Dear Dawn, I am sorry you have to go through a new treatment. I understand you are anxious about it and worried about your children. I am sure you will get back to NED and go to Australia or dig out frozen mammoths in Siberia with your son. I am happy you got through the first treatment OK. Keep strong! Michka

Jackie07 · 03-09-2010, 01:41 PM

Dawn,

How wonderful/thoughtful your children are! Several of our members have had the same treatment course as yours in the past. And they are currently doing great. Think about how newer meds/methods will improve the outcome even more!

It is very important to allow children to express their feelings and to get reassurance from their loved ones. Your son is full of hope, so shall you. You've been in this battle for over 4 years now. Yes, it gets 'old' and you are tired of the whole thing. But
you've conquered so many obstacles and your experience and your 'drive' will keep you going on strong.

Don't forget to send us postcards when You go to Australia digging dinosaur bones...

[Can't believe you are just getting the 'port'. Trust me, you will like it. (If it hurts, ask for the 'numbing cream' to be put on a couple of hours beforehands) I haven't had chemo for two years, but I've been keeping it for regular blood work since it's always hard to find a suitable vein.]