Do you ever just want to vent? - Page 2

Becky · 05-03-2014, 08:50 AM

What makes it really hard though is when you do have children at home. Two of my children were at home during the time I had treatment (aged 15 and 12 then). They really understand what cancer means and they are watching. I tried really hard to not "transmit" my fears and frustrations because I felt that internally, they also had fears and frustrations too. However, the 15 year old who turned 16 just became so nasty to me. I think her fear took over. Sometimes, you hold back on purpose and that just wants you to vent even more. I got lots of crap like, "don't pick me up in the old minivan and wear your wig". So, I picked her up in the old minivan completely bald. Just so we could have a fight. Pretty bad venting, eh? But much later (2 years ago), she got some disposable cameras she found developed and came over. She showed me the pictures. They were during chemo. She said, "look how sick you looked. You were gray and fragile looking". She said, "you know, during that time, I treated you so rotten. I didn't help with cooking or housework like you asked. I just couldn't believe this was happening. I think that I thought if you could still do it all (I also worked full time), everything was okay and you were just kidding around." She said she was so sorry. I said I was sorry too for picking her up from school bald (we laughed). So, for your children, don't go overboard on the parties because you never know what they are thinking (ie: is she doing this over the top thing because it is the last birthday she will see (its not but they think differently)). Ask again and if you get nothing, plan a simple family event. Get take out or order platters from the grocery store if "family" mean big for you. Be yourself and don't be afraid to rest and vent. The "sick" day sounds good. I did them once every chemo round on the "bad" day. Work understood. Most people couldn't believe I worked but I did my best and nothing slipped. Ughhhhh. I loved the grocery store story too on this thread. I had a similar thing and somebody said something to me. I had stopped at the store coming home from work and had 20 things in the 12 thing checkout. I wore a wig to work. When this guy behind me said something snotty, I took off my wig - right there in front of everybody and said, give me a break! I thought he was going to die! Walk in my shoes sometime 3/4 days after a chemo treatment. Ha - and that's not like me.

Carol Ann · 05-03-2014, 09:50 AM

I've been so fortunate -- my son is 17 and I homeschool, and see my signature, I started with surgeries and chemo at the beginning of this school year ... there are days when I've had the chemo, surgery recovery, etc, etc, therapy appts and HE vents because I can't be there all day. Overall though, he has totally stepped up to the plate and worked independently to the max this year, including one course at community college. And yes, like Becky says, there have been times when I've had to tell him I just don't have the energy. I've done my best to have a regular homeschool day every day, but not always, sometimes it just doesn't happen -- and because I've been honest about how I'm feeling, he's felt good about supporting me, and working as much as he can on his own.

Now, if he had been younger ... that would've been a whole lot harder! No question.

Becky I am laughing like crazy about you showing up bald in the van and taking your wig off, etc. I started out wearing a cap all the time, but it just got too uncomfortable. I finally told my husband and son, "I'm bald, deal with it," and I usually don't wear anything on my head unless I go out somewhere. No, not even when company comes over. (The one set of friends we have that regularly visit are used to it now.

)

CA

Cat · 05-03-2014, 10:20 AM

Ok here's my venting (feeling sorry for myself) so I can get past it and realize it's all temporary.
This past month...
I took my sister to ortho because she needs a knee replacement.
I've held her hand and tried to reassure her it would go by quicker than she thinks. She works full time and I love her dearly but I began to resent her because I had just had my kidney ablation and we are struggling for insurance approval for new chemo. I developed a hernia that I need to see surgeon for.
I take my parents to Dr. appts because my sister is working and making money. (Oops is that sarcastic?). I took them for normal check ups and podiatry and then spent the rest of the week dealing with my mom who developed shingles and a few days later, my dad who seems to have had a TIA and/or dehydration. It's not that she did nothing and she has been understanding of my situation. We have been juggling home health nursing for mom and shingles and palliative care for dad as dr ordered. We also have caregiver in on Fridays for laundry and showers for dad. But this just sucks because she is now on a vacation for a week. She has worked hard with me to get everything in place but it just sucks. My life is in constant limbo so I'm probably one of the few who would love to be working.
Then I have my kids who run hot and cold. Right now my 25 yr old son lives at home but is working full time and can't afford to move out. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder and reacts to most things I say poorly. My daughter has turned to a pleasant place but has resumed a relationship with a guy we don't like and has not always treated her well. Theirs is a life on a roller coaster. She's 21 and working full time but going to school (unless she changes her mind). She doesn't make a whole lot either.
So I feel I'm back in the dunk tank and can't get to the seat before another ball is thrown and I'm back in the water! On top of it I now have a cold!!! And I probably got it from onc office when chemo was held and I'm still waiting for treatment.
I also realize that family and friends are tired of hearing about me and my treatments but I don't think I make a big deal of things. I've always been strong and try to be honest without making a big deal or having self pity.
I know that this will all pass and we will all go on hopefully in time for me to be able to help support my sister in her surgery. I'm a physical therapist assistant so I have some decent input for her.
My husband has been an angel and listens and helps out where he can.
Don't get me wrong. I love my family dearly and they love me. It's a moment in time and thank you for letting me vent. It feels good to let it out and makes me realize what minor problems I have compared to some people so I will move on with my day and back to laundry.
PS. I have pulled the cancer card a couple of times in public too. And the first time around my daughter, almost 13 at the time, requested I wear a wig and wanted no part in thinking about my baldness.
Wishing you all love and hugs, and many, many thanks,
Cathy

JDee · 05-03-2014, 01:00 PM

Yes, Carol Ann, I need to feel upbeat for myself.

Today I had just had enough. I was sick and tired of everything and wanted to quit it all. Chemo, hair loss, rubber legs, not being able to plan ahead for anything, missing my granddaughters softball game, a cyst on my liver (what?), antibiotics for infection in lung...

Hubby sat with me and listened, said the right things and I felt better. The rest of the day wasn't so bad.

Dee

BonnieR · 05-03-2014, 03:23 PM

Your husband is very wise! I remember writhing around on the bed with leg pain and declaring that I was going to quit, this is IT, no more, etc etc. My husband just let me vent because he knew that's what I needed to do. I wasn't going to quit, not really
Keep the faith

crb · 05-03-2014, 06:22 PM

Isn't it true that we women just want to get it all out and then we feel better? I have told hubby multiple times to just LISTEN to me and not try to give me solutions on how to FIX things...LOL

Becky ~ My kids are 15 and 12 as well and seriously laughed out loud about the "minivan and wig" comment! My daughter was not thrilled when I went to the theme park with my bandanna and hat, but I was really worried the wig would fly off on the roller coasters. Figured I wouldn't see anyone we knew there anyway (but we did and thankfully, the mom knew what was going on with me and her kids didn't even notice I had no hair). My kids have been great and very helpful around the house. They are just incredibly indecisive about their birthdays and with my foggy, chemo brain I can't think of anything fun and exciting to do. I'm to the point of just ordering them a pizza, putting candles in it and calling it a day!

Carol Ann · 05-03-2014, 06:27 PM

You can never go wrong with pizza ...

CA

Lnmum · 05-09-2014, 05:39 AM

I might be late to respond. But vent ANY time. Every time my husband takes me to chemo I tell him that he is taking me to the slaughterhouse. They just don't give me enough poison to finish me off. He HATES it when I say that. But I do have a quirky sense of humor. I Hate chemo. Never wanted to do it. But there are three people that I love too dearly, not to do it. My new husband, who lost his wife to BC in 2009; and my two daughters. They really need me around, 16 and nearly 14.

BonnieR · 05-09-2014, 09:13 AM

Lnmum, I can see why your husband might hate that reference, since he has lost someone to BC so recently. He must be feeling very vulnerable himself under the circumstances
The only thing being slaughtered by chemo is cancer! Although we can really feel beaten up by it as well!
Keep your eye of the prize. Or prizes: your dear family
And keep the faith

JDee · 05-09-2014, 09:25 AM

I didn't want to do chemo either. Tried to talk doc out of it, but no he didn't agree of course. So I am into it for 6 treatments and nothing I can't manage so far.

I agree with Bonnie. I don't think it is helpful to yourself or family to say that. You are killing the cancer that is trying to kill you. Be thankful we have chemo to cure us.

I think your fear is coming out in your humor. I turned my fear into power to heal. I wear my 'cancer sucks' tee shirt to treatments. Gives everyone a laugh. Also, my 'Chemo Ninja Cancer Assassin' shirt pictured here. See if you can find a way to channel your fear in some action. I am doing a Relay for Life walk in June, get your family involved.

Best wishes to you through a journey we all share in some way.

Dee

Lnmum · 05-09-2014, 05:22 PM

Thanks Bonnie and Dee. I do want to be positive. My husband and family would benefit from that. You both have great insight. Thank you!!!
Hugs,
Loren

Jean · 05-13-2014, 09:32 PM

I have a big venting:
I get really annoyed listening to women who are heathly (no breast cancer or any cancer for that matter) parents are heathly, they have housekeeping help...for the most part what anyone of us would call a "a great life" and all they do is bitch and complain. I have often wanted to say "have you had to endure chemo? Have you had to endure financial hardship due from medical bills. Have you had to drag yourself to work because maybe you just had to or maybe it was best to keep your sanity by doing something normal?

Yup that is my venting....walk a day in the shoes of a breast cancer lady having chemo then tell me your complaints.

crb · 05-14-2014, 11:16 AM

Jean~ I have seen many people over the years that are like that....complain, complain, complain...I rationalize it that they are just miserable people that will never be happy. I am just thankful that I am not married to one or have one for a mother-in-law

FLfrost · 05-14-2014, 02:33 PM

Jean, although these people are very annoying I feel sorry for them as they are ill prepared to deal with a real hardship. One thing we tried to instill in our children when we were raising them is an attitude of gratitude. "If you are not happy with what you have you won't be happy with what you want. Everyone on this board seems to possess this attitude of gratitude no matter how tough things may be we have hope and thanksgiving in our hearts!

Jean · 05-14-2014, 07:18 PM

ELfrost,
So true, the women on this board are amazing with huge hearts and souls.

Coux92 · 05-15-2014, 08:44 AM

Jean~ I hear ya! I'm a school nurse and sometimes the teachers are the biggest whiners! More than the kids...They come to ask for advice/cures ect for minor thinks like itchy eyes from the pollin or posion ivy and say things like " I just can't take it anymore" and "I guess I'll just have to home"....Here I sat most days through my chemo. REALLY! I Just want to scream.. Get a Grip........
Ahhh, Thanks. Feel much better