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A Living Legend
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 235
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Hi all, it seems that the one thing we all agree on is that we are not scared of dieing, what terrifies us is how will the family survive without us, which means that some of us cannot die at peace. I had a teary with my 15 year old daughter today, apart from dealing with this disease I have my shoulder fractured in 2 places on top of the already collapsed humeral head on the same shoulder, the other shoulder and now my neck are in constant pain from the sling I have to wear for another 5 weeks, and then what, who knows, like my onc says, you have BC no one really cares about your shoulder, anyway I was trying to get dressed, being independent and of course I got stuck and in instant pain, she told me I should ask her before I try, all very well but she goes to school and I have to manage when she isn't around, so it was hot, my clothes were sticky, limited on what to wear with a sling, then my hair wouldn't do anything it should, I can't reach the top of my head, standing in front of the mirror I remembered what my 3 year old grandaughter had asked the night before, looking at a photo beside my bed, she said that is Ronnie, that is what she calls him, her grandad, but who is this, I had to say it is nanny before she got sick, now that hurts, because it doesn't seem that long ago that I did look like that. As usual my daughter who has been looking after me since she was just 8 says in her mother tone, it will he all right you will get better you haven't gone this far to give up, look at what you are doing for all of the others just by trying all of these drugs, she tells me that she is prepared for anything because she has seen and dealt with more than most adults, it doesn't make it any easier, her brothers 34 and 22 try not to think about it because it makes them too upset but they do, we just have to remember that life will go on without us, it will take a long time for the tears to stop, my dad passed away 2 years ago at 85 and I still get upset and I had him for a lot of years, but now I think of him as just living away or in the next room. He will never be forgotten, I have told this story before, when he was alive we discussed the theory of the saying "pennies from heaven" meaning that when we found one it was because an angel was thinking of us, but now there are no pennies so when he died we placed a lot of 5 cent pieces with him when he was buried, so when we come across a 5 cent piece, which is just about every day we remember him. At his funeral, my sister in law carried a hand bag she hadn't used for about 2 years and when she opened it there was a 5 cent piece, but not only that she dropped it as she showed us and it fell between the cracks in the floor of the verandah and when I went down to retrieve it, it was standing upright reflecting the sun, so you see there is the possibility of after life. There have been a lot of other unusual happenings, I was driving down the high way and my car felt so sluggish, finally a light came on the dash and when I pulled over it was the handbrake light, I had a look and a coin had lodged so the brake hadn't released, but when I looked at where I had pulled over, I was across from the cemetary where he is buried, I said thanks dad I will see you on the way back. Now I am easier with his death, his brother my uncle passed away 12 months after him with a rare melenoma, so when I find 10cents I know the two of them are together. When we visit my dad we place 5cent pieces on his head stone so he doesn't run out. It is a hard thing to deal with and no right answer, or at least I haven't found it yet either. My chemo nurses have told me how they have nursed patients in palliative care and the patients have known for quite some time that they would not be around and ask the nurses how they are going to tell their children, one patient was a sole parent, male with a 9 year old very young and the other she was very young with BC and a 9 year old also, she wouldn't even let the nurses help her feed herself, she didn't want to be a bother to anyone, I don't ask anymore how the patients that I know are doing because each time I do, it is bad news. I do believe that all of our paths are destined, and when it is our time we just hope that it happens when we are prepared for it, if ever of course. All I can say is just love them faults and all,we know we,cannot take their pain with us, like our treatments we keep praying that this one will do the job so we can get on and live, we are living with cancer, and not dieing of it. That phrase works for a little while, it is how much can we endure that is the question.
Love & Hugs Lyn
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