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Need some TLC
Okay friends, I cry as I type. I am a stage 4 single mom of an 8 year old boy and work full time. Sometimes I feel like I just can't keep all of the balls in the air and today is one of them...yesterday, also as a matter of fact. I went through inScanity (a couple of weeks ago) and results were better than expected...so far. Brain MRI (clear),Cervical Spine MRI fine, CT and Bone scans fine. Perhaps some increased activity at T2 (shown on top of Cervical Spine MRI) still waiting to have Thoracic and Lumbar MRIs (scheduled for next week). Liver continues to improve.
What's wrong? Well I have this new little pea size lump just at the bottom of my port incision. Just came up. My CA 15-3 was 200 when we started and went down as low as 12 with Gemzar. Well in the last 3-months it has gone from 20 to 40 to 38 and now 50. That and the little lump on my neck is scaring the sh*&%t out of me. My doctor felt the little lump and said it is not a node. She doesn't know what it is and it is so tiny that she doesn't think it will show on the PET - it didn't on the other tests. Now she she has added a PET scan. She said that we are fine and she want to measure the active disease again. She said that perhaps we just have to switch off of Faslodex and add Lapatinib to the Herceptin. Perhaps not and we just continue with Faslodex and Herceptin depending on the PET and MRI results. She told me to take it easy and tried to convey to me that it is okay.
I know that this is nothing compared to the worry I felt about the Brain MRI and liver results. But these horrifying distinctions are lost on me sometimes. This fear and sadness feels cumulative sometimes. I just want this to GO AWAY. I want to wake up and have this be some really bad dream.
I am physically strong and I know that I should be gratefull for that every day. But, the mind part of this fight is sometimes overwhelming.
Sorry to dump here but this is how I feel right now. Thank you for listening.
Carolyns
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