Uncontrolled emotions-

[Soccermom]

Walk in a cancer survivors shoes for one day and you will learn the meaning of humility and survivorhood...
Big gentle hugs to you,Dana!

We definitely "get" you and IT!

Love,marcia

[Jean]

Dana,
What a draining experience (especially with co-workers)
A strong reason that I chose to keep my work enviorment out of my private life......for the most part I think those who have had the first hand experience of dealing with this disease have a good understanding of the emotional and physcial aspects that must be delt with.

I have often said it myself that "the mind heals the body" but not in the literal sense of things when concerning the disease of cancer or any other major threat to our selves. It is a recipe of sorts, good doctors, loving family,
supportive friends, surgery, treatments, radiation, heathy food, exercise.

Lets face it, having a good attitude helps us get through the treatments we must deal with and coping with the
down time of the chemo. Everyone at one time or another deals with all the emotions, depression, fear
and worry that comes along with the terrority. I do
believe that by having the best mental attitude we can muster (not all of the time) after all we are human,
helps us beat back this disease.

Who the heck gets up anyday and says, "Well I want to be a loser"? We all want to win this battle and fight hard each and everyday from the second we hear the words
from our dr. "You have bc"....ugh....no it is NOT easy.

We cannot disguse the fact we will not always cry, we will not always laugh, how foolish of anyone who speaks out and says "a positive attitude will defeat cancer"
then for goodness sake we would all be cured.

You are a strong figher and you deserve and have earned your right to feel as you wish! I am a bit annoyed at your boss, "saying you could laugh a bit more" but what does he know or how can he know?

We learn quickly to discard unsupportive friendships, to weed out those realtionshps that "don't work." We also learn to make time in a busy day for moments of appreciation, beauty and love. I also learned it is really okay to cry. How on earth could your boss understand how we do not allow chemo to hurt our spirit, just those nasty cells that need to be destroyed.

I guess that old saying is true..."Walk a mile in my shoes
first".....

With Love,
jean

[harrie]

Dana,
Now that I am almost 2 yrs out of my diagnosis, I find myself
reacting emotionally (usually in my mind) to certain situations that never use to bother me before. These situations usually are brought on by another person's comments or attitudes. Most times this situations must seem very insignificant to others, but it can light a full on explosian in my head. I am not speaking directly in regards to the story you told us, but for my situations, I know my reactions have to do with all the multitude of issues I have had to deal with in the past with the bc.

[jones7676]

Dana,

Sorry you had such a terrible day there. I have empathy for you. I understand....

[Louise O'Brien]

Dana - your reactions struck a real chord with me. I find now, as a two year survivor that I'm a lot less predictable than I was a few years ago. I have no idea what's going to trigger a reaction. I'm very aware that I don't handle stress as well as I used to - and I once thrived on stress.

Maybe it's because we had to steel ourselves to get through treatment - and that's why people around us "marvelled" at our attitude. Hey - we just had to do it. How could they ever know what it's like.

But stuff catches up with us sooner or later - at least I'm finding that's the case with me. At some point we have to deal with it and now I often ask myself: "What was that all about?" I felt like I dropped into a huge hole and couldn't get out for two years. I often refer to it as "was that 'before the axe fell' or after???"

So I can understand why an insensitive speech and a seemingly well-meaning hand on the shoulder would
be a major trigger.

They just don't know. They're never going to know. Your reactions were legitimate. We all know that.

Damn - what we do to make other people more comfortable.

Last year - just after I completed chemo but was still on Herceptin - I took an exercise course. I was so happy because I met a group of women who knew nothing of my health history.

No one was dancing around me... wondering what to say. I wasn't getting the usual : "How ARE you?????" - a question asked in fear.

I felt normal. Until the instructor decided to use me as an example because I was so stiff. I couldn't use my right arm very well - I wasn't "loose enough". He'd haul me up to the front to explain why I needed to be looser.

Of course he didn't know. I had a portocath in my right side that was killing me and my shoulder had practically frozen. I couldn't be the "loose" person he wanted me to be.

I nearly snapped when a fellow exerciser yelled out... "C'mon Louise... loosen up..."

So I wrote him an e-mail and explained everything and I was heart-broken.

Because this was the first time since treatment started that I felt like a so-called "normal" person. I enjoyed being anonymous and I had to give it all away.

So it's tough. Your reaction was so understandable.

[dlaxague]

I think that, for most of us, our feelings and our vulnerabilities change over time. I remember so clearly, in the early days, experiencing the kind of emotional response that Dana describes. I also remember the wanting-to-be-treated-normally desires that Louise expresses so poignantly.

Now, I'm over 7 years out. I've stayed active in the breast cancer community, still corresponding with bc friends, still interested in the science, and doing a few things in our local community that are cancer-related.

I can't really say when it changed for me, but at this point in time, I'm comfortable identifying myself as someone with a breast cancer history, when it comes up. I'm comfortable expressing a polite opinion or even argument when "positive-thinking-cures-cancer", or other incorrect (imho) ideas arise. Somehow, over time, I've come to a place where there's not much personal (vulnerable) emotion involved in these responses. When I feel that I'm speaking on behalf of, or in defense of, friends who have died - then there's some emotion but still there's not that personal vulnerability that used keep me from speaking up.

I don't know if I'm expressing this well. I had not really thought about it until as I read this thread, I realize that I've mostly integrated my breast cancer history into the rest of me. It's certainly a part of me - one I could never leave behind (and would not want to). But it's taken its place as ONE part of me. Not THE me, as it seemed in those earlier days (it felt like I was wearing a flashing sign, sometimes). And not suppressed or hidden either, as I had hoped it might become, again in those early days. It's just a part. Some good things come from it being a part of me, some hard things.

We all (every single human) have challenges and issues in our lives. Cancer is an issue no worse nor better than many other issues experienced by humans on a daily basis. When we, within ourselves, come to accept that it's just that - one thing, one part, not the whole of us - then people around us follow suit. The timing of that shift will be different for each person, as it should be. I don't think that we can rush it, or make it happen - it has its own rhythm.

Debbie Laxague

[Mary Jo]

Debbie you expressed yourself perfectly. You spoke my heart almost verbatim.

Well "spoken" Debbie and WOW to your 7 years. FABULOUS.

God's continued blessings to you,

Mary Jo