How can I look more appealing??depressed kat

[Ginagce]

And as for your husband, sounds like he doesn't deserve to gaze on your survivor beauty!

[marymary]

Dear Kat:

I know exactly what you're talking about from first-hand experience. I always loved my long, thick hair and always played around with the color; to become bald in a matter of weeks was dispiriting, to say the least. And to think that that was the least of my problems! I immediately invested in the Jennifer, a long auburn wig that made me look about 25, at least I thought so. The problem was, when my hair started growing back I felt sort of like a fraud or a strumpet or something still donning the Jennifer. Also, in summertime the Jennifer tended to be hot, and I mean that in the literal sense, not figuratively speaking. To add insult to injury, when my hair first came in I very closely resembled a French Poodle. Round face surrounded with tight curly little frizzy fried sausages. It wasn't a good look. Finally I took the upper hand and got a good haircut. Things improved hairwise from then on. Sometimes the new growth just needs to be severly pruned. I don't know, maybe your hair is stick straight! Sometimes adding a fun color can lift your spirits. You could always try a temporary color to start with, although temporary dyes aren't good at covering gray.

You know what, I did get lucky and scored a trip to Munich & Paris and that was a great distraction! So maybe you do need to go to the City of Love. Travel is always so life affirming if there's any way you can manage it. I actually ended up travelling to Turkey for 2 and a half months with a dear friend I made at a b/c support group. I am so very happy to have had that experience of a lifetime. We travelled all over the country including eastern Turkey, which is about a four hours walk from Iraq. I figured I was more likely to die from cancer than any perils of travel.

I guess my advice is to just become the woman you have always wanted to be. Cancer is not, in my opinion, a blessing, however, it may embolden you to do things that in the past you would never have even conceived of. Now that's sexy, don't you think?

Also, when I got back from Paris I had reconstructive surgery, a latissimus dorsus, to be exact. Plus I got an implant on the other side.

Well, I didn't mean for this to be a novel. I could go on and on, but I want to go curl up with a novel.

You're right, though, our sexuality takes a huge hit with this disease. This may be the time to pull out all the stops and go for it. Why just this week I put on my makeup, my new pair of white linen pants topped with a pink t-shirt with red lettering and robbins egg blue stillettos and sort of floated into the infusion center. Of course most of the time I schlep around in jeans and tee shirts because life in the suburbs isn't all that glamorous. Sometimes a girl just has to feel special.

Good luck, or should I say bon chance!

Mary

[MJo]

Dear Kat..l.

People keep telling me how good I look. Possibly they mean, "you don't look like you are a dying cancer victims." However, after a few irritated days, I decided to take their words literally. I look beautiful.

I was bald with no lashes or eyebrows. I'm chubby. Maybe even fat. I gained enough weight that all my clothes are tight.

I now have hair on my head but it's not my dyed dark brown color. It's salt and pepper. My eyelashes and brows are coming back. I am still chubby.

I am very beautiful. I bet you are beautiful too. I've seen the pictures of the women on this board, and we are a great looking bunch.

I hope your husband matures. I think he needs to learn about what is really important. This is his problem, not yours.

I hope you will take good care of yourself, do all the things you like to do and appreciate your beautiful self. Love and support to you, Mary Jo

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for all the help and advice---keep them rolling-----------------
You can't beiieve how MUCH it helps me!!! and tom, who said anything about my husband driving us to the airport??!!
I don't think he would even care !! Sherryg68, ask your husband what I should do? your ending statement was so funny.!!.My middle son, interning at a local law firm,just told me to join this nice country club,,,, afterall, I have sacrifice for my Husband's 3 hunting clubs. and Al, can you design that setting. As for dogs,its true, they do love me & are always happy to see me,but I have 4 dogs!! thanks to my sons, the oldest finance director who now complains about the way my house looks because of them.
All my life I have done things for my husband and boys and others. All have nice new cars, while I have a '94 with just 50,000 miles registered.
Well, I do think its time for me to Hit the Road,maybe call an old male friend--who has been married several x's, but filthy rich, good-looking & fun. Or the guy in Nashville,recently divorced and nice-looking, who wants my youngest son and ME to come to his studio and make a CD(my 22yr old cannot read,nor write music, but has composed over a doz.classical piano pieces,2-10 min. long- in a 2 yr. period--thank God !!)
Or buy some clothes for this weekend's HS reunion of passed cheerleaders and football players. I feel so bad about myself that I wasn't even going.....but.. even if my husband doesn't go, I probably need to make an appearance...or perhaps travel.
WHAT DO ANY OF YOU THINK ???
I may schedule that flight to Paris after my last treatment at the end of July. kat in the delta

[Cathya]

Kat;

I say go for whatever makes you happy!! The worst thing in the world in my opinion is to wake up at 70 (good god I pray that happens) and look back on life with regrets. Go for it....enjoy and we will be happy for you....we are your community and behind you all the way.

Cathy

[margaret]

I only have one breast and have been out in the dating world for the past 3 years since I left my husband. I have found men to be very accepting. I know that I am a very loving and affectionate person with or without a left breast. Attitude is so important. If I'm concentrating on how I can show my love to them and how to express my caring to them, then I'm not so concerned on what they're thinking about me. When I'm expressing genuine love for them, they feel that and are loving and generous in return. So it's kind of like ' give and you shall receive'. Kindness, smiles and expressing love are extremely attractive.
I'm 43 and I don't plan on having any reconstruction. I'm proud of my battle wounds. Just like I'm proud of the scar from my c-sections that allowed me to give birth to 2 beautiful children. My mastectomy scar shows that I am a woman of courage who has fought a battle with a life threatening disease and I have learned so much from the process. I hold my head high and know that I am lovable and acceptable exactly how I am. I also like to share with people that I had to lose my left breast so that I was able to open my heart more fully. I was too afraid and shut down in my life before cancer to really express my strong loving heart to others. Now I'm not afraid. No one can hurt me more than I hurt myself by shutting down and hiding my heart. Now I'm ready to take risks. live life fully and express my love as best I can.....
Go for it!
Margaret

[marymary]

Yes, Kat, you should definitly celebrate your life by travelling to Paris when you are out of treatment. That's my vote, anyway. Go with a girlfriend. I love travelling with women. There's always someone to talk to! You have a partner in crime for those hours of window shopping. Women tolerate museums better than men, well better at least than my husband would. Sounds like you speak French, at least a little. The French are pretty accomodating if you at least try to remember your HS/college French!

What about your husband, though? Has he changed, or have you? Was he acting distant before your diagnosis or is this a bona fide change in behavior that is probably related to your illness? Sometimes men are downright unfathonable, excepting our darling Tom and Al, of course. For one thing, men, especially the older models, have a difficult to impossible time expressing what they're feeling (if they even know). I guess this is not exactly a news flash. Somehow I always think things will change in that department. I imagine, no fantasize, that after living with me all these years some of me will have magically rubbed off on my husband. Suddendly he will feel compelled to turn off the television and enjoy hours of heart to heart conversation. Perhaps while massaging my feet? HA, Ha, ha, ha.

All I know for sure is that me getting breast cancer, especially metastatic- HER 2neu-always in your face-turning up in my brain kind of cancer, really turned my family upside down. It is an issue every single day and I'd be lying to say otherwise. Every single day I think about dying. Every single day my husband is sick of hearing about the subject. He only recently admitted that he thinks about losing me every single day. Yeah and I know better than anybody the "we're all dying" reasoning but baby I'm on the fast track. And nobody, not even my husband, knows exactly what that feels like.

This may be a good time to see a councillor (sp?). It can be very beneficial to be locked in a room with your significant other without a television set, a ringing phone, a dog or 4, and with a trained, impartial advisor.

I don't know enough about your situation to say. It does seem certain, however, that the days of putting everybody else's needs before your own are over. That's a lesson that I have to relearn every day, including this one. Maybe we women are all alike as well.

You are a pistol, Kat, and I am sure enjoying hearing your story unfold.

Love,

Mary
in Marin

[Sheila]

Kat

I think we all have felt this way at one time or another....just wanted to let you know that yesterday when I was getting on my swimsuit, my 5 year old grandaughter walked in...she looked at me, looked to the floor, looked at me, looked down, then proceeded to get down on her hands and knees....I asked her what she was doing and she said" I am looking for your nipple grandma, it fell off, didn't you notice?" It must be somewhere! I laughed until I cried.....she didn't see grandma as abnormal, she just thought I dropped something!

[Mary Anne in TX]

HI Girl!
I find that my self esteem grows in leaps and bounds when I have my needed quota of girlfriend time! Go to lunch with them and have some fun. Don't talk cancer much. Fill them in on the new stuff and then play. Their acceptance and love will lift you up and allow you to use that wonderful problem solver within you to decide how to deal with your husband.
My husband had trouble for a while too. I found that taking responsibility for lifting myself up was the key!
I bought about 10 or 12 of those cheap tank like tops with skinny straps, put in one of those cotton like pads to pretend I wasn't lopsided, got some cute jeans, drew on eyebrows, and dolled up a bit and out I went! I will admit that I "got cute" and went on a few practice runs, just talking to gals in the stores to lift me to the point of going out with my girlfriends! It has made all the difference!
It's hard for the guys. They don't like it. They don't know what to think or do often. And they take their keys from us! Even sick, we are the thermastat in our family's life!
You can do it! Take a step today!
Best wishes!

[juanita]

I'd thought I was looking pretty good other than the weight that I have gained. No masectomy though, so I didn't have that to bring me down. Sometimes I'd wear makeup, but a lot of times I didn't. And my hair has been pretty much unmanageable since it came back after chemo, but now I've got it tamed. Anyway, I've been doing my hair and putting on makeup and everybody has been telling me I look so pretty and so healthy with the makeup on and my hair done. So now I wonder, what did I look like before? Did I look that bad? I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all have different ideas of what looks good. Don't let what anybody says bring you down.

[kat in the delta]

I still feel like my husband and I are growing furthur apart. He gets angry when I am late getting ready for anything.....I try very hard.....I spent a whole day to get ready to go to hear our son play piano at this nice new Hotel an hour away...I was ready, but he was still negative toward me. HE stays on the computer for hours(4-6)at a time and all night til he turns out HIS bedroom light----He goes to bed early because he has to be there before 7am---and he sleeps with his dog instead of me !! He leaves his mess in kitchen and lights all on for me to clean up and turn off....I'm NOT THAT bad-looking,aside from the shorter hair, a little thinner, 1 breast, BUT I still keep in shape, was a cheerleader in days of old... My past boyfriends have all been successful as attorneys, bank presidents, or filthy rich,etc....HELP HELP HELP---TOM?? any men with more suggestions...I think he may be jealous because I can't get this house organized and I am not working at a job........
MEN, HER2 friends , you are all I have to talk to.....any more suggestions. He makes me feel UGLY..kat in the delta

[kat in the delta]

Margaret,
Did your husband and you separate after Breast Cancer ??kat
What can I do to prevent this ?? I Didn't go to France as the cost went up(for 2), and my middle son started working for the best law firm here for the summer...He and I may go during his Thanksgiving or Christmas break--He has 1 more yr of Law School. kat in the delta

[kat in the delta]

Not any girls here to talk to.....kat

[kat in the delta]

Well...I stopped cooking and he just brings home what HE wants to eat, never asking me if he can get me something.-so, NOT cooking has no effect......I don't think I am into calling an escort deal....but I could call some nice looking guys...the trouble is....I think HE would NOT get jealous at all, but he Would think of it as My being Sexy.......HOW do you men think, anyway ?? I could call and go and spend the weekend and he wouldn't care as much as I would......I guess I was brainwashed by the nuns in 1st-8th grades....MORALS ???Should I call someone?? I know a couple of single guys my age or a few yrs older. kat in the delta

[KathyA]

Hi kat. I too was raised and taught by the nuns. I understand your delima. Things sound really unbearable. My heart goes out to you. My first time around with bc my husband asked for a seperation. My reply , "couldn't you wait until I was finished Chemo to spring this on me." He waited. I felt like I should have said OK. The long and short of it was I went for therapy - to see what was happening - how to deal with everything - find out how I feel - what I want - what is best for me. It is best thing I ever did for myself. Find someone you can talk to easily and someone who listens carefully hearing what you say and not what they think. I am very fortunate to have found someone who is able to do this. Things will work out for the best. And that part the nuns said about praying it does help.

Sending warm thoughts, hugs and prayers

Kathy A

[CLTann]

For a long while, I have been writing for my wife Ann because I can read the medicl journals better than her, although she is a pharmacist. The current subject is very personal but deserves an open airing from both partners' viewpoints.

I truly love my wife Ann and always accompanied her to all medical appts. I took responsibility in deciding for her to have mastectomy. Therefore, our devotion to each other never had changed, regardless the physical scar that is so obvious to us both. Our relationship in bedroom continues the same. She still huddles in my arms every night.

The important element is the true love and care, which will transcend any handicaps whether physical or emotional.

Of course, no one ever wants to go through the tough journey most of the women in this room have been through. Since the decision of how to tackle the problem was made by both of us, we must face all problems together as a team.

Ann (her husband).

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for being here----I need every single one of you now. I didn't fly off to France, I did not go to the reunion of HS football players and cheerleaders. kat in the delta
Our town is the HOme of the Blues and rightfully so..... We are having the Sunflower Blues Fest. all next weekend. We are located south of Memphis, TN. People will come from all over the world for this Fest. Morgan Freeman owns 2 restaurants here, and lives nearby. I will forward the site privately if anyone wants it. kat

[Tom]

Dearest Kat,

I hear Home depot has ready-built dog houses for "large dogs" on sale right now. Might be time you got hubby one for the yard, and put his blanket in it. You take your canine inside for yourself. Leave hubby a bowl to put his take-out or TV dinners in so the ants don't get it.

I'm not sure I know what to tell you at this point. The trip to France would be great to go on with your son. It would be a good experience for both of you, since he seems to be the man in your life right now. Congratulations on raising such a fine son. Sounds as if he's smart like his Mother.

I suppose you might offer marriage counseling and see if he's interested, but it doesn't sound that way. I can't help but wonder if your illness didn't uncover some underlying problem he has had for some time. It just isn't the response one would expect from a "soulmate". You know what they say: if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

I'm certainly no psychlogist, but I don't think you should have to shame him into being a good husband, or try to make him jealous. This nonsense has gone on long enough. If he doesn't give you what you need and deserve, maybe it's time to move on. I don't mean that you should have an affair, as that only hurts YOU emotionally. But perhaps you need to fill up your voids with personal activities. No knitting clubs please, and ceramics is so 70's...lol. Check with your girlfriends and see what they do to amuse themselves. I've heard some pretty wild stories about trips to the supermarket produce section...

Seriously though Kat, you need to find something that can improve the quality of your life. You can't spend half your time worrying about your disease, and the rest worrying about your marriage.

My only other advice is this:

Si le chien ne fera pas des tours, le laisser dormir dehors.

Tom

[Sheila]

Kat
I know a woman in my area who was going through much the same thing...she was off work due to cancer treatments...her husband said she could no longer go shopping...since she wasn't working....he of course worked all the time....they by no means were struggling....well she gave up her routine life as he asked....4 weeks later she filed for divorce...said she could not live that way....this disease does have a way of isolating us, and sometimes we do the risky and crazy things we would never have done! We travel, shop, go to events...it is like we are trying to cram our lifes into a short schedule....get out and make new friends, new interests...I agree with Tom, no knitting or ceramics....I am looking into a class on belly dancing....how crazy is that?

[Barbara H.]

Dear Kat,
As I was getting ready to reply to you I read Tom's reply. He says it much more eloquently than I could. There is a women at my cancer center who is a social worker and checks in occasionally with the patients. She told me that I could call her day or night. You could check to see if there is someone on the staff you could talk at your cancer center who is experienced with these issues.

I would have a serious talk with your husband about what is going on. Explain that in order to solve this you both need some intervention and that if he doesn't agree to get some help together for your marriage, then you are moving on with your life. You don't have to mention the big "D" word at this point, just that life is too short and you intend living it to the max. Try to rehearse what you will say and be as composed and calm as possible as you say it. Even if he passes your ideas off, I think it would be helpful at least for you to speak with someone who has experience with this issues that arrise when a member of the family has a health issue. This can happen not only with couples, but also when children in the family are not well. Some people just have a very different way of dealing with stress, or what life brings, and some people never learn to deal with it. I assume you want your relationship to work or you wouldn't be posting this. Let him know that your relationship is important to you, but that you feel it needs some interevention.

Good luck! Since you know him best you will find the best way to approach him.
Best regards,
Barbara H.