Becky's 2000th post commemorative thread - Page 2

Colleens_Husband · 08-26-2008, 07:50 AM

Juanita, that was really funny.

What is big and yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer.

(That is my youngest daughter, Maire's favorite joke.)

PinkGirl · 08-26-2008, 08:40 AM

What is a polygon?

A dead parrot.

PinkGirl · 08-27-2008, 07:00 AM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

Colleens_Husband · 08-27-2008, 08:06 AM

Pink Girl, thats real funny and it brings back fond memories.

juanita · 08-27-2008, 03:51 PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a campling trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied,"I see millions and millions of stars,"
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a moment. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarte past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorlogically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! It tells me someone has stolen our tent!"

Sheila · 08-28-2008, 04:50 AM

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 2 These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more. So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

FLOOR 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it! '

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.>>

Bill · 08-28-2008, 06:31 PM

You guys have me cracking up! I'm the most pitiful joke-teller there is, but what is white and black and red all over...........a newspaper....Love ya, Becky!

Vi Schorpp · 08-29-2008, 07:28 AM

And they say blondes are dumb.

A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. From the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use?"
"It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

StephN · 08-29-2008, 02:12 PM

Subject: Roosters

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the b ells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet , do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair a nd he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise award as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Bill · 08-29-2008, 08:37 PM

Steph, and all of you, lol! Pssst, hey Becky! Hey, Becky! Wake up! How do you fix a chimpanzee?............use a monkey wrench.....

juanita · 08-31-2008, 05:04 PM

what's a ghosts favorite kind of pie?

booberry

LizDT · 08-31-2008, 09:57 PM

I'm new to this site, but not to bc. i am a friend of Maryann D and lurk. Ladies and gentleman of this site, I have come to love you all, so I am going to tell a joke. I love to laugh because cancer cells hate the sound of laughter so we make the enviorment very hostile to cancer. Ever little bit helps.
Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had dies.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'

LizDT · 08-31-2008, 10:00 PM

Sorry. got cut off. Here I go again
Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had dies.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'
"Yes" she replies, "James is dead, dead, dead."
Father then asks "Mary Margaret, was it sudden?"
Mary Margaret replies "Yes Father, very sudden, and he is dead dead dead."
Father Pat asks"Did James have any last words?"

LizDT · 08-31-2008, 10:08 PM

Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had died.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'
"Yes" she replies, "James is dead, dead, dead."
Father then asks "Mary Margaret, was it sudden?"
Mary Margaret replies "Yes Father, very sudden, and he is dead dead dead."
Father Pat asks"Did James have any last words?"
"Yes Father, he did", responds Mary Margaret.
Father asks"tell me, what where his last words Mary Margaret"
Mary Margaret looks at Father Pat and says yes.
Father Pat is getting a little angry and asks, "Well Mary Margaret, what were James' last words"
Well Father, replies the bereaved widow, "James, my beloved said Mary Margaret, put down that gun."

Soryy about the three false starts.... Liz T

hutchibk · 08-31-2008, 10:18 PM

Welcome LizDT!! LOL, love it!

hutchibk · 08-31-2008, 10:19 PM

Oh, Vi - 'University of Oklahoma'- hahahahahaha... all my okie relatives will love it!

PinkGirl · 09-01-2008, 11:12 AM

Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams,

'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'

juanita · 09-01-2008, 01:36 PM

jeff was sitting at the table and reading the paper during breakfast. he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was primarily known for his lack of intelligence. he turned to his wife and said, "i'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." his wife replied, "why thank you dear!"

Vi Schorpp · 09-02-2008, 12:17 PM

I hope they love it -- never mean to offend anyone!

naturaleigh · 09-02-2008, 08:54 PM

Two blonds living in Boston went out one night to the sea shore. They sat on a bench looking up at the night sky.

Blonde #1 - I wonder which is further, California or the Moon.

Blonde #2 - Well duh, that's a no brainer, California is further.

Blonde #1 - How do you know that?

Blonde #2 - Can you see California from here?