"I AM EVERY WOMAN" from my journal today

[SoCalGal]

I AM EVERY WOMAN

I am every woman with stage-four breast cancer. I am every tear ever shed. I am every pain, every fear, every test, every scan.

I am every unpredictable tumor marker. Rising to diminish hope. Sinking to diminish fear.

I am every feeling of despair, of fear, of loneliness, of isolation, of shame and of worry. I am every woman longing for her breasts, grateful for how they nourished her children and satisfied her lovers. I am every woman mourning their loss. I am that empty space; I am every missing breast. I am every lopsided shirt, every uncomfortable bra, every prosthetic, every implant, every insert, and every effort to camouflage and fill in the void. I am every reconstructed nipple trying to match what only God could make.

I am every child who has watched their mother fighting for her life. I am every child who has lost their mother to the fight.

I am every hair, floating from its scalp, falling in clumps, in tufts, in long winding tattle-tails until nothing is left but a newborn’s head.

I am every woman’s broken heart as she stands in front of the mirror;
Pale from chemo, Breast-less and bald, Naked and vulnerable, TRYING to be a warrior.

I am every woman as she puts on her warrior paint. I am every hand-drawn eyebrow, every glued-on eyelash, every pot of blush, every wig, every scarf, every turban, every cap, and every hat. I am every woman warrior, painted bravely for battle.

I am every woman with stage-four (metastatic-shhhh!) Breast cancer
Trying to sleep at night, trying to find comfort and safety and hope.

I am stage-four (metastatic-shhhh!) breast cancer.
Dividing for NO reason or for too much? estrogen, progesterone, sugar, stress…OR genetic damage, Or not enough? Antioxidants, amino acids, omega 3’s, omega 6’s, melatonin, vitamin d, vitamin e, vitamin a, vitamin b, vitamin c, green tea, red tea, black tea…

I am every woman with METS to her lungs, her sternum, her bones, her lymph nodes, her spine, her liver, her kidney, her skin, her brain, her body, her heart (BUT NOT HER SPIRIT).

I am every woman with Stage-Four Metastatic Shhhh! Breast cancer to her life. Mets to her family, her friends and her lovers.

I am every woman with STAGE FOUR metastatic breast cancer (out loud), desperately awaiting a cure. Wishing and hoping and praying and begging and fighting and fighting and fighting.

I AM EVERY WOMAN WITH STAGE 4 (of 4) METASTATIC BREAST CANCER (LOUD). Running for a cure, walking for a cure, painting for a cure, writing for a cure, researching and networking, and donating, and praying and hoping and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting for a cure. I am every woman, demanding a cure. I am every woman, with stage-four metastatic breast cancer, DEMANDING A CURE.

SoCalGal
July 17, 2007
Round #1 – Day 1
Carboplatin/Gemzar/Tykerb

[R.B.]

OUCH !.

Beautifully written, honest, brave and heart wrenching.

It raises a whole subtext about life, how we spend it, how we treat each other, how we threat the planet. what is important, how we see ourselves....

Thank you for being so open honest and brave enough to put a window into your core and vulnerabilities and remind us all we are "just" human.

I wish you full on remission.


RB

[Gerri]

Flori,

I am sitting here with chills and tears. What a heart wrenching, yet beautiful tribute to all of you who are fighting against the odds. I am cheering for you. You will prevail!

[StillHere]

Flori, your narrative was excellent!!!! I would love to pass your poem on to fellow sisters in this crazy fight. It really says it all. Do we have your permission to share your beautifully honest prose with others? Peace Karen Schneck

[lilyecuadorian]

just pull out tear from my eyes ...is what I' felling thank you for put out on this

[tousled1]

Flori,

So beautifully written! You managed to capture everything. It brought tears to my eyes. I am only recently stage IV and my prayer is that no other women will advance to this stage.

[StephN]

Dear Flori -
Your thoughts were so beautifully set down. I see that you started a new treatment today. I am one who feels that we need to get ourselves into a certain frame of mind, heart and soul in order to set our bodies to work with the drugs. Perhaps this is wishful thinking, but I still feel it is important to spend some quality time with oneself and the drugs.

I have said more than once here that getting up both the physical and psychic energy for a new round is one of the most difficult things a person should never have to do. But some of us find ourselves at that point face to face with a new challenge. We manage to rise to the occasion, and you have set down a wonderful formula for obtaining this state.

Wishing you sure and swift success this next go round.

[Believe51]

You are so beautiful and I love you for it; you could have not said it any better!! As I watch my husband fight this battle with all of his might I pray not only for him to conquer. I pray for all of our stage IV friends to have the courage and to find the peace to battle each day as it comes. I cried so hard this morning reading inside of your soul as it was so cleansing for me. I thanked you (outloud!!! LOL) that you have let us into your heart as never before.

I wish for you to know that today I feel closer to you and my friends. With each passing day I yearn for a cure as bad as anyone else. Thank you for giving me, the caregiver, the courage and the peace to help My Knight Warrior with his stage IV mets (shhhhh!) to the spine and skull and bones and brain.

I too DEMAND A CURE!!! I demand a MIRACLE!! For him, for you, for our stage IV friends, for the women who are not, for the women who will be and for all the men who are out there, knowing or not knowing!! I too demand it for ALL!!

You are always included in our prayers today and as always. And Flori....

I DO NOW AND ALWAYS WILL STILL..... BELIEVE

Waiting For A Miracle...and DEMANDING one soon..(I BEG!!)..>Believe51

[MJo]

You go, girl....

[chrisy]

Wow. Wow.

[TSund]

Flori,

Have you been published? This is so powerful.

Terri

[SoCalGal]

I am glad that I shared from my journal, such positive feedback. I have deep feelings of being connected to everyone on this path - being so sick makes being human pretty basic and very real, boy that clock is ticking. And...no, I've never been published.

The HARD effects hit yesterday and today I am green eggs, no ham. Taking zofran, ativan resting and praying.

Am trying to get thru my Tykerb hour right now, so I can at least eat something worth barfing. How's that for eloquence?

Peace out, ladies.

Flori

[Vanessa]

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and heartfelt poem. I am also hoping that you are able to eat something and keep it down. Take care.

[tousled1]

I was thinking about this post today and how much it moved me when Flori first posted it. I just wanted to bring this back up to the front for those who may have missed it.

[Adriana Mangus]

Dear Flori:

I love your poem...it brought tears to my eyes...

We all share the pain with you, I can feel it right in my heart; for all stage IV BC survivors...this can be at times a very lonely road.

Please, rest and try to keep something yummy in your tummy.

Thanks for posting.

[fauxgypsy]

Flori, I needed that tonight. I am sitting here, mourning my right breast, still dealing with drains and stiffness, and loss. Still not knowing what stage I am, thankful for all the negative results of all the tests that have been done lately but afraid to rejoice too freely. Trying to be strong but crying often. Your words touch me and inspire me. Thank you.

Leslie

In the world of destiny, there are no statistics.

[BonnieR]

Let me add my gratitude for this heartfelt and powerful piece of writing.....

[harrie]

Beautifully written. I feel like you put together all the pieces of my life for the past year.
Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
Maryanne

[tousled1]

I just had to bump this post up. It is so though provoking and not only for us who are Stage IV but for every woman who has breast cancer. We must demand a cure!

[PinkGirl]

Flori,

Wow ... that was beautifully written. You
covered it all. Attachment 214


I agree, you may as well eat something
really good if you're going to barf....make
it deserving.