"Forced Courage"

[michele u]

I have been doing some thinking this week. School shooting, feeding tube removed, death penalty given, a little girl murdered at 9. This world of ours is really changing. I heard someone even speak that the tsunami was a "cleansing of our evil world, so that now we are back to bible times". Whatever your state of mind is after all these "tragedies", no one can understand the state of mind of a cancer survivor. We have brave soldiers that are our sons ages going to war and dying. Courage. We have fireman running into burning buildings. Courage. We have church missionaries going to countries that have deadly diseases. Courage. And then there are us cancer survivors. Courage? If you call getting a disease that is not OUR choice courage? If you call taking chemo, losing your hair because that is the only medical choice Courage? Can you call getting up in the morning even though you want to stay in bed all day Courage? I hear the word "Courage" simultanously with cancer, why? We didn't pick this. We are human beings that want to live just like everyone else. We don't have the luxury of waking up one day just to say "I'm over this now". We have to live with this until the moment we die. "Forced Courage" is what i think we should call it. The kind of Courage that comes from down deep in our souls. The kind of Courage that we get when we look at our children and say "Yes, i will take chemo again to try to live until they graduate". I would have never described me as a Couragous person. I was always the one that would not ride an airplane because" it's going to crash". I was the one that "took shelter" even if a tornado was within a 100 mile radius. And now look at me. I'm in the Couragous section just because i want to live? Having cancer Forces us to be Couragous. It makes us think of our mortality. It makes us think of what we want to wear when we die. It makes us think of our kids's weddings without us. So what do we do. We just get up in the morning, just like everyone else, and live. I have been on 12 airplanes since my diagnosis. I guess if someone wants to call me Couragous for doing this. Well then, I will graciously say "Thank you, you are right. I now know that i'm not in control of my life. Someone else is now navigating for me!".

Hi Michele, thanks for sharing your thoughts...I agree with your "forced courage" ideas...I, too, never thought of myself as being the least bit courageous and it always made me uncomfortable when people I knew would say "Oh, you're so brave!" because I was undergoing cancer treatment. What choice did I have--it didn't feel brave and I certainly didn't feel brave while getting surgery, chemo, radiation and Herceptin!
However, I do now consider myself to be a brave person, having weathered all of this so far. I do think it takes a certain amount of courage just to get out of bed in the morning and face the day and whatever is going to be thrown your way. We cancer survivors all live with the fear of recurrence and treatment failures, but we're still out there, soldiering on, trying to live our lives to the fullest. I am still a bit afraid of flying, but have definitely gotten over my fear of needles and blood tests! If I have a recurrence and am offered chemo or gamma knife, etc., I will still be afraid but know I will have the courage to say "Bring it on" I want to live to see my kids graduate, too! I think that discovering our inner strength can be one of the silver linings of the cancer experience, don't you? Love, Audrey

Your point was well made. I didn't fly for a long time after 9/11. I still don't enjoy it, but have flown twice in the past year. If I eventually try to get into that trial in Seattle I will have to fly a lot since I live in Boston. Thanks for putting it all in persepective.
Barbara H.

Michelle,

Beautifully thought out and written.

Love and light,

Lisa

Hey Michele,
You're right! Cancer puts a whole new spin on the word, "courage"! And, I agree with your definition: "forced courage". Just as the guys on this board have been forced into a courage not of their chosing. Eric, Jeff, Bruce, Joe, Sean, Frank just to mention a few. All the guys here know about the whole new meaning to the word courage. How many times have I said tp Linda that "if I could trade places with you I would"? For me, it would take less courage having cancer than being the one watching. There is always the temptation to get bitter and twisted because "how could this happen to us" or "she did so not deserve this" or "why couldn't this have happened to......." We didn't ask for this but here we are. So the question remains: courage forced or otherwise, what has it done to us and for us?

I can only speak for myself and I but:
- every morning Linda and I wake up we are so greatful we met
- we feel totally in control of our lives because we have an appreciation for living
- the meaning of "Love" has only become clearer
- people comment on Linda's strength and courage because they can't imagine being with cancer, stage 4 and talking about the future, kids, grandkids, next christmas, our 5 year plan; all those people can't be wrong

One thing where we disagree with you Michele, is your notion of who's in control.

We may think others have a totally distorted view of us and ramming a "forced courage" notion down our throats but they don't.
There is an inner strength that comes with understanding your own mortality that only comes when you are faced with death. People don't have the courage to even think about death, let along live with its shadow (cancer) day in and day out. From the eyes of a child: our youngest son wrote his mom a letter which ended with "You are the most courageous person I have ever known".

To us, forced courage = enlightenment
I have shared this quote with a number of you but will post it again. A breast cancer survivor talking about her disease: "I will get more out of cancer than cancer will take from me".

I'm not a philosopher so I'll end now but, next time someone mentions courage, tell them you also eat thumb tacks for breakfast.

Thinking of you,
Al and Linda

I like everyone's posts. I have often wondered why combative words are always used with cancer. Brave, courage, fighting, battling and so on. I guess choosing life is a battle for everyone! As Morie,in the book ,"Tuesday with Morie" (which I highly recommend if you haven't already read it) Morie says,"You learn how to live when you learn how to die". So well put.

I have to chime in, too. I never felt courageous before, but I do now. We have been given a strange gift in that we can all now appreciate everyday God gives us. We will never take anything for granted again and we will fight to stay alive. The longer we survive cancer the stronger we all become. I REFUSE to let cancer take center stage of my life. I REFUSE to let cancer get me down. There is just too much to live for. I tell people that before cancer everything was in black and white...now everything is in color.
Big hugs to all,
Cindy

Hey, you guys, you bring tears to my eyes! One of my blessings from caner is getting to know you all and benefitting from your many words of wisdom. Thank you! You inspire me to be courageous, too. Tricia

Hi all, some one asked me the other day how I was going, and as I was rattling off everything that was going on, what had been going on and what would be next it occured to me that all of this knowledge was like being a CAR ENTHUSIAST or someone else with a passion for their hobby of rebuilding their prize possession, guess we are all LIFE ENTHUSIASTS. Same goes when anyone asks what I do for a living, that being the operative word living, I reply Cancer Experiment and researcher, yep that gets some wierd looks. I haven't returned to work since 1998, I worked continuously since the age of 15, but now because I never know when I will be able to put in a full day, let alone a week I have adapted to being retired, well tired anyway, and tired and tired.

Love & Hugs Lyn