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Old 02-16-2008, 12:22 AM   #1
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Location: Connecticut
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Cool Poem

Last night I saw two lovers
hand in hand, a midnight stroll
the wind whipped all around me
as the moonlight took it's toll
where the given and the taken
often meet to share the cold
there's a wildfire raging
in the desert of my soul

a void is created
when the dreams depart
I flee to your arms
when the trembling starts
as the livid and the lifeless
swap cruel glances as they part
there's a wildfire raging
in the darkness of my heart

the past a feeble membrane
ruptured as you stand
nursing fractured visions
you no longer command
while the pilgrim
and the prophet
ascend the stairs hand in hand
there's a wildfire raging across the barren land
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Old 02-16-2008, 09:12 AM   #2
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Ok Bill,
If I get my time zones right, you posted this at about 2:30 am?

Words utterly fail me about this poem, but I do need to move on to something else before my husband gets back and finds me crying for I don't know why.

Pardon the grammar.

Love you so much, Bill
Chris in Scotts Valley
June 2002 extensive hi grade DCIS (pre-cancer-stage 0, clean sentinal node) Mastectomy/implant - no chemo, rads. "cured?"
9/2004 Diag: Stage IV extensive liver mets (!) ER/PR- Her2+++
10/04-3/05 Weekly Taxol/Carboplatin/Herceptin , complete response!
04/05 - 4/07 Herception every 3 wks, Continue NED
04/07 - recurrence to liver - 2 spots, starting tykerb/avastin trial
06/07 8/07 10/07 Scans show stable, continue on Tykerb/Avastin
01/08 Progression in liver
02/08 Begin (TDM1) trial
08/08 NED! It's Working! Continue on TDM1
02/09 Continue NED
02/10 Continue NED. 5/10 9/10 Scans NED 10/10 Scans NED
12/10 Scans not clear....4/11 Scans suggest progression 6/11 progression confirmed in liver
07/11 - 11/11 Herceptin/Xeloda -not working:(
12/11 Begin MM302 Phase I trial - bust:(
03/12 3rd times the charm? AKT trial

5/12 Scan shows reduction! 7/12 More reduction!!!!
8/12 Whoops...progression...trying for Perjeta/Herceptin (plus some more nasty chemo!)
9/12 Start Perjeta/Herceptin, chemo on hold due to infection/wound in leg, added on cycle 2 &3
11/12 Poops! progression in liver, Stop Perjeta/Taxo/Herc
11/12 Navelbine/Herce[ptin - try for a 3 cycles, no go.
2/13 Gemzar/Carbo/Herceptin - no go.
3/13 TACE procedure
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Old 02-16-2008, 04:58 PM   #3
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I can only imagine.....
To have loved and lost, but to rejoice in time spent.

You are one special soul.
Rhonda (Sassy)
dx age 45
DX 2/15/05 Stage IIb (at surgery)restaged IIIa
Left mast .9cm tumor 5 of 14 nodes
Triple Positive
4 DD A/C
12 Taxol/Herceptin
Strange infect mast site one year aft surg, hosp 1 wk
Herceptin for total of 18 months
Lupron Monthly 4 yrs
Neurontin for aches, pains and hot flashes(It works!)
Ovaries removed 11/09 stop Lupron and Neurontin
Arimidex 6 yrs (tried Femara, no SE improvement)
Tried Exemestane-hips got so bad could hardly walk
Back to Arimidex for year seven
Zometa 2X Annual for 7years, Lasix
Stop Arimidex 5/13
Stop Zometa 7/13-Bi-lateral Stress Fractures in Femurs from Zometa
5/14 Start Tamoxifen
3/15 Stem cell transplant to stimulate femur bone growth/healing
5/15 Complete fracture of right femur/Titanium rods both femurs
9/16 Start Evista stopTamoxifen
3/17 Stop Evista--unwelcome side effects!
NED and no meds.......
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Old 02-18-2008, 12:56 PM   #4
Andrea Barnett Budin
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Location: LAND OF YES! w/home in Boca Raton, Florida Orig from L.I., N.Y. Ever hovering IN THE NOW...
Posts: 1,904

Ok Bill, I love your poem(s), the prose of your posts, their humor and imagination!!, not to mention your spiritual core. I love the way you love Nikola. And of course, am saddened by the *wildfire raging in the darkness of your soul*.

I believe in time you will come to focus on the blessing of having Nikki in your life and the awareness that death is not the end of the story. (You will be together again, in time and for eternity.) For now all you can feel is the terrible loss, understandably. It is too soon, I know.

Still a poetry and laughter are aflame within you. Thank goodness for all of us.

It is great that you are using this site to help you vent and heal. I saw Linda Dano (an actress who is quite lovely) in an interview. She is a marvelous, insightful person who is in a lot of pain, having lost her husband/lover/best friend/business partner and her darling mother in a short period of time. She speaks of a group on line --
SupportPartnersProgram.com -- which she has found very healing and therapeutic. I just thought I'd write it down for you, as you came to mind. I feel your pain and we all stand with you as you struggle to regain your footing.

This is one of those moments in Life that chocolate isn't enough...

Sending you a hug,

Andi BB
'95 post-meno dx Invasive LOBULAR w/9cm tumor! YIKES + 2/21 nodes. Clear mammo 10 mnths earlier. Mastec/tram flap reconst/PORT/8 mnths chemo (4Adria/8CMF). Borderline ER/PR. Tamoxifen 2 yrs. Felt BLESSED. I could walk and talk, feed and bathe myself! I KNEW I would survive...

'98 -- multiple mets to liver. HER2+ 80%. ER/PR- Raging, highly aggressive tumors spreading fast. New PORT. 9 mnths Taxotere Fought fire w/fire! Pronounced in cautious remission 5/99. Taxotere weekly for 6 wks, 2 wks off -- for 9 mnths. TALK ABOUT GRUELING! (I believe they've altered that protocol since those days -- sure hope so!!)
+ good old Vit H wkly for 1st 3 yrs, then triple dosage ev 3 wks for 7 yrs more... The "easy" chemo, right?! Not a walk in the park, but not a freight train coming at 'ya either...

Added Herceptin Nov '98 (6 wks after FDA fast-tracked it for met bc). Stayed w/Vit H till July '08! Now I AM FREE! Humbly and eternally grateful for this life-saving drug! NED since '99 and planning on keeping it that way. To hell w/poor prognosis and nasty stats! STOPPED VIT H JULY '08...! REMAIN STABLE... Eternally grateful...Yes is a world & in this world of yes live (skillfully curled) all worlds ... (e e cummings) EVERY DAY I BEAT MY PREVIOUS RECORD FOR # OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS I'VE STAYED ALIVE. Smile KNOWING you too can be a miracle. Up to me and God now...
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Old 02-18-2008, 01:44 PM   #5
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Location: RHODE ISLAND (Ed getting me a latte on 2nd Cancerversary Cruise 2008) 'BELIEVE': To accept as true or real, To have faith in, To presume ALWAYS BELIEVE
Posts: 2,999

Bill, as I wipe the tears I cried reading your poem I smiled. I smiled knowing what a great love you shared with Nicola and all the blessings you both compsed. Since I have met you I realized many things about her life that I never would have known without your presence here, like how she awoken daily to a fresh cut rose (more tears). We all knew how blessed you were to have each other but the depth of your love amazes me more every day I know you. I am at a loss for the words I am searching for. I can only hope that the wildfires of your soul will be smothered in the days to come so you can 'replant' that barren land. Lots of Love>>Believe51

PS: Love the new picture of you both, makes me feel closer to the two special people I have been blessed enough to meet in my lifetime!!
9/7/06Husband 50yrs=StageIV IBC/HER2+,BoneMets10/06TaxotereX10,'H'1X wk,Zometa,Tamoxifen4/12/07Last Tax5/18/07Pet=Rapid Cell Activity,No Organ Mets,Lytic Lesions,Degeneration,Some Bone Repair5/07ChemoFail6/01/07Pleural Thoracentisis=Effusions,NoMalignantCells6/19/07+7/2/07DFCI
NoProgression,Stable4/7/08BrainPerfect5/16/08Last A/C8/26/08BrainMets=10(<9mm)9/10/08Gamma10/30/08Met=5mm12/19/08Gamma5mets5
Ixempra/Faslodex/Zometa~TM now lower7/17/09Stop Ixempra By Choice9/21/09HOSPICE10/16/09Earned His Deserved Wings And Halo=37 Month Fight w/Stage 4 IBC, Her2+++,My Hero!!
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Old 02-18-2008, 06:29 PM   #6
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Thank you Bill for putting your heart out there for all to see. That was so beautiful.

I wish you peace as you make your way through this journey.

Dx: 11/23/05, Lumpectomy 12/12/05
Tumor 2.2 cm, Stage II, Grade 3, Sentinel Node biopsy negative
ER+ (30%) /PR+ (50%), HER2+++
AC X 4 dose dense, Taxol X 4 dose dense
Herceptin started with 2nd Taxol, given weekly until chemo done
then given every 3 weeks for one year ending on March 16, 2007
Radiation 30 treatments
Tamoxifen - 2 yrs (pre-menopausal)
May 2008 - Feb 2012 Femara
Aug 2008 - Feb 2012 Zometa every 6 months
March 2012 - Stop Femara, now Evista for bone strengthening
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look
back and realize they were the big things.
- Robert Brault
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Old 02-18-2008, 07:04 PM   #7
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Hi everyone, thanks again for all of your support and kind words. I'm sorry, I hadn't planned on making anyone cry or upsetting anyone. I really am okay, just wanted to share with you. Thanks again, Love to you all, Bill
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Old 02-19-2008, 11:37 PM   #8
Joanne S
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so intense, romantic...true love overpowers the wildfires

Stay warm and whole by the fire. Hold dear and cherish all those precious memories you shared.

Nikola's everlasting spirit and fields of love will live in your heart forever.

Thanks for sharing your beautiful expressions of love and loss.

Love & Hugs,

Where's there is fire, make marshmellows---
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