Living while waiting... An art form

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Letting go of the need to be right is a big one! Wayne Dyer taught me that in one of his many books. WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT, OR HAVE PEACE? I have that on lilac 3 x 5s with my own calligraphied handwriting, scattered around my house.

I also no longer need to have the last word. I can sit serenely and ponder instead.

I never stop talking to my body. When it starts to misbehave, and it does, I let it know in no uncertain terms exactly what I expect from it. THE BODY HEARS EVERYTHING WE THINK, OR WHISPER. I don't want to send wrong messages, as I obsess. So once I vent, I correct any and all possible mistaken communications for my body to hear. And, for the Universe to catch my drift.

I suggest we all try to keep our Intentions clear and Expectations firm. And so it will be...

I do believe this. It is my mantra...

Every thought is like a prayer. Every prayer has the power to become a miraculous reality.

Much love always,

[fauxgypsy]

Andi, thank you again, for the umpteenth time, for timely inspiration. I will try to remember it each time that I find myself waiting to make a decision until after a scan, until after this milestone or that one. If I hadn't had cancer then it could have been something else. There is will always be a "maybe" lurking on the horizon. Life is now. I can never get enough reminders that what I have is today. That is not a fact of cancer, but a fact of life.

Leslie

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Yes, sweet Leslie, even those w/o ca find themselves saying -- when this or that happens, then my life will begin. We all do it. We wait for our lives to start, dependent on a particular set of circumstances. We set an arbitrary moment in Time for the event. We determine that we will hold our breath until then.

We need to stop waiting to start living. We need to live while waiting! Cause otherwise, we're forever waiting. For something. Whatever that is. Or we're buried in wanting for the old norm. We need to stop resisting. That is where the struggling lies. We must somehow learn to open to our new place in the world. To open our hearts and our minds and accept that we are (for some unknown reason) exactly where we are supposed to be at this point in Time. I know, it is very hard. But so well worth our efforts. Happiness and serenity will be your reward.

Grab hold of this moment right now. And learn to OWN IT.

Your words Leslie, are so beautifully expressed, as always.

Let's all make a pact. Let's give this our best shot. BE IN THE NOW AS FULLY AS A BEING CAN BE. Savor every drop. And be grateful for the gift of it. You'll see, you will be so full of Joy and Love you will be radiating it all over the place.

Others will see it, and feel it, and be touched by it, and respond to it IN KIND. You will set a whole chain of emotions and actions into effect. Single-handedly.

Tell yourSelf -- GOOD JOB. Be proud of yourSelf.

Give yourSelf a hug for me, please...

[Ceesun]

Andi, I wondered where you have been and so glad to hear from you. That post was exactly what I needed to hear the past few months. Please keep in touch and thanks. Ceesun

[tricia keegan]

Andi, beautiful and very thought provoking words. I also would like to quote you if thats ok?

[vickie h]

So well said and soooo needed. Thank you. Love, vickie

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I'm reading Rachel Naomi Remen's Kitchen Table Wisdom.It is so full of Enlightenment and Insights, I will read it the moment I finish it, scanning the underlined areas I have made. This is one exceptional book!

She speaks of SANCTUARY. Finding your own personal SAFE PLACE. Cats, for example, have their hiding places. But we all need such places.

For me meditation creates an inner silence and calm where I find strength I never knew I had. I feel connected to a force I sometimes call God, and other times refer to as the Universe. It is a place where we become One!

I've discovered that what I feel when I go deep within myself, to my Essence, is -- my Truest Self. I am other than my mind or my body. They are surely a part of me, but the real me is a Spirit. And, of course, this is not unique to me. We are each a Spirit, with a mind and a body...

Our Spirits are full of the divine energy of our Source, making each of us sacred Beings. We should speak and act accordingly. Regarding one another as sacred Beings, and behaving as a sacred being should.

Rachel's safe place allows her to connect with the marvels of the majesty of nature. The giant redwood forest is near her home. How lucky is she! The great trees stand rooted in a silence that is so absolute that it helps her inmost Self come to rest, she explains. She finds the silence this place evokes even more remarkable than the towering trees. Skyscraper high, they have trunks that have grown over a century to have a girth that a car could drive through it (if someone managed to create a tunnel there). I have been to Yosemite many decades ago. But the experience remains etched in my Soul, it was that awesome!

Rachel mentions that she learned that in Spain there is a place within the bullring where the bull feels safe. Can you imagine?! A safe place within such a daunting place -- thwarted by a matador with sharpened swords out to kill you.

If the bull can reach this place, he stops running and can gather his full strength. He is no longer afraid!

This place in the ring is different for every bull, but it is the job of the matador to be aware of this, to know where sanctuary lies for the bull he is up against. To be sure that the bull does not occupy this place of *wholeness* where he becomes empowered and emboldened!

I think of canser and I think of us Warriors seeking a place in our inner world, a place of deep inner silence where we can go to feel safe -- empowered and emboldened!!! It is like finding a way to give yourSelf a hug, to put your arms around yourSelf and attain Wisdom and Guidance. A place where you can experience a Universal Love that simply fills you up to overflowing.

Once connected with my Spirit, in my understanding, I listen to my Inner Voice and feel secure and certain of attaining my dreamed of goals, despite all odds that contradict my notion. There I find the will to carry on. There I find courage. And serenity.

Somethings for you to consider perhaps...

With love always,

[Mary Anne in TX]

Her book is great...simple, respectful. A great read.

[harrie]

Hi Andi! words of wisdom from my role model! Thank you!
Body and Self, being and doing....trying to maintain that balance. My body and ego says to "do"...control, protect....
My Self says to recognize, accept, let go and be.

How are you coming along with your book?
Much aloha to you my friend....
Maryanne

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Maryanne my dear friend in Alohaland. I always love your take. What you see as Body and Self is right on. Is Mind included in Body? Cause I see that our True Selves have a mind and a body. I stopped identifying myself as simply a Mind and a Body years ago.

This is enormously clarifying. We are each unique sacred Souls, or Spirits.

I think what we do comes from a place that is our core Self.

Some things I have learned to accept. Some I keep trying to rectify, but always with the understanding if what I want is in opposition to what the Universe (or God) has planned for me, I trust that sometimes I should be careful what I wish for.

Example: As you know, after 10 years of being on Herceptin, I stopped late last July ('08). I go every 3 mnths for a full panel of bld tests, including CBC, lipid profile and TMs (CA 27.29 and another which I seem to be less fixated on). I have remained around 12 in CA 27 category these past 10 yrs.

I get a copy of my bld results and compare the latest to the last, line by line and check the normal range, which my brain doesn't seem to retain. Last Nov my TMs were at 16. I didn't say anything. I know they are unreliable, that they vary due to no one is quite sure what.

In Feb all my bld work was perfect. My Dec chest/abdomen/pelvic CT scans STABLE. But my Feb TMs were up to 29. YIKES! I spoke to my onc who I love and totally trust. We decided to retest in a mnth, not 3 mnths. I upped my Omega 3. I was cognizant that I had THE WORST FLU I EVER HAD -- and it lasted for 3 long mnths!!! Dec/Jan/Feb I was sick as a dog. Daily painful throbbing headaches (which I never get), clogged sinuses that felt like a concrete block in my head. My nose ran incessantly. I practically duct-taped a kleenex box to my hip, needing it wherever I turned. I was coughing unproductively.

Anyway, sorry I am digressing as I am prone to do. March 31 I went for a retest of TMs. After all, being off H for so many mnths, I am especially vigilant, trying to keep ahead of any problems. My TMs went up and out of the normal range to 41. Yes, first I freaked out. Panicked. Onc said may have to return to H, that would be the worst case scenario. All other indications are that I am perfectly STABLE. But having tasted freedom, I didn't want the side effects of H that I now could clearly see and appreciate the absence of. No more hot flashes. No more bathroom drama (as long as I steer clear of my trigger foods, which I have learned to recognize). Plus -- i simply and slowly lost 20 lbs. However, obviously, if need be I would return to H, and make my every 3 wk journeys to the chemo rm if necessary. AND, I am humbly and genuinely grateful that H exists and that my body (and heart) basically tolerate the blessing of this fabulous drug and keep mets at bay for me! I am so lucky, but a tad greedy, yearning for my freedom to remain...

So, onc and I decided to retest in a mnth. At 2 wks I begged for just 1 more wk of waiting. And so it was. If I had to return to H, let's get moving!!!, was my thinking. I was sure my # would go up, but I prayed and meditated and spoke directly to my body ordering it to get it's act together anyway. I did suspect my 3 mnth illness could be the cause of the problem, but of course seriously worried my HER2 cells were out to cause mischief, coalesce and create something somewhere. Anywhere in fact. They have a passport to go where they like I believe.

A part of me considered that perhaps this was a message from the Universe telling me that I need to get back on H. So I stopped resisting. Still prayed, meditated and talked to my body, but was open to following wherever I was led.

Well my April 20 TM's shot WAY DOWN -- to 14! They ran the test a second time to be sure. I will naturally retest in another wk or so. I am still awaiting my HER2 serum bld test, just for further input.

I have some breathing space. I am even more fully enjoying each day and each relationship it is my good fortune to have in my life. I am thanking God for being alive, and feeling reinvigorated with more bliss and a degree of peaceful calm that had perhaps begun to slip away a bit over time.

I was originally dx in July of '95. My first grandchild, a girl, was born in '96, and I was blown away with the honor of witnessing her birth and her first breath. THANK YOU GOD FOR SUSTAINING ME AND ENABLING ME TO SEE THIS MOMENT. And now, I am a part of the planning for her Bat Mitzvah which will come a few mnths after her 13th birthday. I bought my dress.

This July will be 14 years of survival. With less than a 15% chance of being here, according to statistics (forget them!) -- I have miraculously held on to my desired destiny. That is with the help of: God, my Spirit, my Family and their love, my docs and nurses and of course Herceptin (and Dennis Slamon's devotion to developing it and making it available to all of us, despite the bureaucratic odds to the contrary of that happening)! I cherish each friendship I have.

I send loving energy to all of my Sisters and Brothers, as always...

[hermiracles]

Love you Andi. Thank You Andi.

Love Rachel and Eckhart and all our beautiful Wisdom Warriors...

Thank you for helping us to learn to live and share in this beautiful moment.

Blessings all
Hermiracles

[harrie]

Andi, I wish you continued good results with your tm. I send you as much good energy as I can.

I was reading recently of 4 levels being body, mind, spirit and soul. Each level having connections with the next. Was very interesting.

Peace is born out of
equanimity and balance.
Balance is flexiblity,
an ability to adjust graciously to change.
Equanimity arises when we
accept the way things are.
~if you expect your life to be up and down,
your mind will be much more peacrful.
Lama Yeshe

Peace and much love to you Andi!
HarrieCanarie......maryanne.....

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Thank you Maryanne for your well wishes. And, I agree -- if we can't adapt, we are doomed. As Darwin said.

And I have learned that when we resist, we struggle and thus suffer.

Joy and serenity come with the Knowing that all of Life is impermanent and we must reach out and savor the heck out of each moment.

As we relish the ordinary, we discover the sublime and get carried away on it. We simultaneusly make every aspect of Life sacred. Which is a beautiful way to be! Plus, we start to feel One with the Universe, and with All That Is. Very cool. As we open to receiving Universal Love, we see the world through different eyes -- the eyes of our Soul... And everything changes.

We connect with our Spirit as we do this, which is eons old and full of wisdom. This is when I turn away from the mental chatter of my mind and listen to my Inner Voice. It is this CONNECTION that puts us in sync with Life...

I try to live AS IF. As if the destiny I desire is already on its way to me. I am on a path leading to it. I find that very empowering.

I never forget to express my gratitude to God, directly, and with my words and acts of kindness. The more we give, the more we receive. Just as it is written...

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

marilyn, i just had to say -- speaking of miracles -- you are totally awesome! You have achieved remarkable goals. Enjoy your beautiful family. How blessed you are. You have drawn these joyful happenings to you with the power of your radiant spirit. I am very impressed. People like you keep us strong and full of infinite possibilities.

harrie in hawaii, you too are so special. I love the way you are so open to being joyful and in the moment!!

this site is so full of radiant souls. I truly enjoy connecting with you all.

there's some great and uplifting info in this thread. Hoping to draw a few more to take the time to feed their spirit.

we each carry messages for one another.

love hearing your feedback. Thank you every one...

[PinkGirl]

I'm enjoying this thread ... thanks for starting it AndiBB.

This is making me wonder why we have to be "brought back" to this
place of understanding ... why do we have to be reminded to live in
the now, cherish every moment etc. etc.?

Many moons ago I read MaryAnne Williamson's book explaining The
Course In Miracles. She talked about letting go of everything ... handing
it all over to a higher power ... she said that people were willing to do that
except they don't want to hand over the really important stuff ... they
want to hang onto that and deal with it themselves.

Why are we so resistant to this ... even you wrote that after your scare
with your tumour markers going up, you appreciated each day more .... so
why do we need reminders???? I have a feeling that you're going to blame
this on the ego!!! Hope this makes sense.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Pink!

Thanks for coming out of THINGS TO THINK ABOUT OTHER THAN BREAST CANCER -- way over here. I am teasing you, my sweet friend.

I recall, back in '77, my father died suddenly. Well he had been very sick for several years, but I think death is always so stunning that we feel like it is sudden.

Anyway, I lived on Long Island at the time. At the very start of the winter the dark brown paint on the front door of my house chipped. It was ugly. And the first thing I saw as I came and went (as a busy mom with a 7 and 9 yr old). Darn that nasty chipped paint, right in my face! Everyday. It annoyed the heck out of me. Adding insult to injury, I was informed that I had to wait till spring to repaint and repair. DRAT. I was ever frustrated by this untidy matter.

Then my dad died, and as I would walk into my house I noted that the chipped paint meant not a whit, in the scheme of things. I no longer cared. My Father was gone from this earth. I missed him. This was a matter of importance, not the other thing. I held on to that wisdom (guess kind of like not sweating the small stuff) for a long while. Slowly, it began to slip away.

I agree Pink One, why do we need constant reminding of Life Lessons? Geez. In the same life yet!

Bc of course kind of brought me back to earth, so to speak. And, then the recurrence further etched Lessons into my brain and my heart. Plus, as you say, my tumor marker issue created a total resurgence of my need to celebrate each day. I was kind of doing that, but it was also kind of slipping away. I AM PRESENT NOW! I AM BACK! HELLO *NOW*!!!!!!

I will ponder this and get back to you on why it is we don't hold on to the Lessons for longer. Any suggestions??? Anyone????? Good topic. Interesting. I think...

Hey Steph -- over there in LIVING WHILE WAITING, ME TOO -- you'd be perfect (if you can find the time pre travel) to offer some outlook on this issue. You being newly freed and on hiatus from Vit H and all...

Have a fab trip, BTW. It's sounds divine!

[Jackie07]

Reading the messages on this thread reminded me of the 'here and now' that was emphasized by the popular 'transaction analysis' in the 70's and 80's. Did a web search and found a lot of information about TA, including these interesting initialisms:

YDYB: Why Don't You, Yes But. Historically, the first game discovered.

IFWY: If It Weren't For You

WAHM: Why does this Always Happen to Me? (setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy)

SWYMD: See What You Made Me Do

UGMIT: You Got Me Into This

LHIT: Look How Hard I've Tried

ITHY: I'm Only Trying to Help You

LYAHF: Let's You and Him Fight (staging a love triangle)

NIGYYSOB / NIGYSOB: Now I've Got You, You Son Of a Bitch

RAPO: A woman falsely cries 'rape' or threatens to - related to Buzz Off Buster

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Thanks Jackie for your input.

I kind of get your point, maybe... Surely I can relate to the WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME syndrome which is a red flag -- to be more introspective and examine what the heck I am doing wrong. It's human to make mistakes but the true crime is not to learn from them, and to keep repeating them.

I think the profound Lesson of grasping our need to CHERISH EACH DAY AND THOSE WE LOVE, AND TO DO IT WITH UNCOMMON PASSION has so many layers. Like falling in love, in time we still love the person but we aren't all atitter about it as we are when it is freshly discovered. I may have made that word up. Could be atwitter, but you catch my drift.

So as life has a way of moving like a roller coaster, when we have a crisis, we RELEARN this invaluable Lesson, as it has even deeper meaning. Over time, we become lax in being awestruck and humbly grateful. Life has a way of reminding us, which is a good system I suppose.

That's my take.

The SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO is emblematic of abusers, I've noted. It's never their fault. If it weren't for you, my sad story, my victimization -- then Life would be good. Blaming rather than taking responsibility, not only for the past but for taking charge of your future is self-defeating!

One of my favorite Gleanings is -- I CAN CONTROL MY THOUGHTS. THEY CONTROL MY EMOTIONS, SO I CAN CONTROL MY EMOTIONS. I MUST CONSCIOUSLY ACCEPT MY POWER OF CHOICE AND REWRITE MY MENTAL CHATTERINGS.

I CAN CALL MY DESIRED DESTINY TO ME WITH MY CHOSEN THOUGHTS, ATTRACTING THE UNIVERSE TO MATCH MY POSITIVE ENERGY AND ASSIST ME. I CAN COMMAND MY BODY. AND I AM EVER GRATEFUL FOR THIS GOD-GIVEN BIRTHRIGHT! WE ARE EACH SO VERY BLESSED, WE HAVE ONLY TO RECOGNIZE AND CLAIM OUR EMPOWERMENT...

[PinkGirl]

Hey AndiBB ... my pal ... my steady girl ...

This discussion keeps making me think of all of the stuff I've read about
the "ego" .... and that always confuses me because it's a concept that is
difficult for me to wrap my head around .... but Jackie's list sure sounds
like the "meanie voice".

Could this be one of the reasons why it is so difficult to stay in the "now"?
Because the ego keeps dragging us out of it .... it was your ego telling you
that you had to get rid of the chipped brown paint ... because having messy
paint around your door said that you were less of a person ????? And when
you have some kind of a crisis going on, you don't give a poop about chipped paint ....

So it seems to me that we need some kind of crisis to remind us to stay in
the Now and to cherish every moment ... the key is to find a way to live this
way when we're not having a crisis .......... I think it's also about "attachment to things" .... things don't matter when we are facing our
mortality .... when we're not doing that, things matter ........ just some of my ramblings for you my AndiBB .........

[StephN]

Good discussion.

What keeps coming to mind is the Old Saw: "You can't take it with you."

There is more, but I need to go take hubby to get his leg checked at the hospital now. later.