In August of 1998 my 4th stage lobular breast cancer erupted (after 3 yrs of calm). It recurred throughout my liver. Too many to count or do surgery on. What I had was inoperable and incurable. I would be on long term chemotherapy for the rest of my life.
My certainty and positivity dissolved. It felt crushed. I was caught in disbelief. Friends told me, You did it before, you'll do it again. I was devastated. I had run a triathlon and was not as strong or brave as I had been 3 yrs earlier.
This is when I was first tested for the her2 gene;
Herceptin was still in clinical trials.
September 28, 1998 the FDA fast-tracked the drug,
making it available to all metastatic bc patients.
I took Zoloft by day and Ativan at night to sleep. Sleep is essential to our well-being. It is a time our bodies heal and restore themselves. I read. I read books about conquering Souls and I tried, really hard to believe again. I developed a pleural effusion (fluid around my lungs) and a pericardial effusion (fluid around my heart. I could barely speak. Hardly walk. I held on to the walls. The deep pain in my arms and legs was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. The pain in my chest felt as if I was having a heart attack. I woke feeling as if I'd been walking on hot coals all night. I had neuropathy, dropping pretty much everything I touched, feeling the stinging pain of it.
I was determined to care for myself. I vowed that I would keep drinking water throughout the day, so as not to dehydrate. Every single day. I would make it to the kitchen and take a handful of nuts for sustenance (protein) or eat a banana. Then I would literally crawl up the stairs on all fours. Breathless from the effort. I would lay in bed and refuse to listen to the voice in my head. From reading I learned to listen instead to my Inner Voice.
It is our Spirit speaking to us.
It is wise and full of love.
We are never alone. Our Spirits walk with us,
are there to guide and protect us.
My Inner Voice told me daily to get myself into the shower.
I would hold the walls to get there.
I would steady my wobbly self touching the tiles.
Each day I would gently wash my face
and my cheeks would bleed.
I would have to blow my nose for a full half hour each morning, using half a box of tissues. Mucous and blood would pour out.
My husband would come home from work and look at me
lying in bed, weak and kind of out of it and say,
I can cancel our plans for dinner.
No. I intentionally made plans for dinner.
To give my husband the gift of getting out as he loved.
We'd meet friends and family
and I would revel in their hugs and their warmth, our shared laughter. With makeup, a wig, earrings and something comfortable I'd face the world for a few hours, then go home and climb back into bed. I KNEW this was all good for my Soul.
My Inner Voice told me so.
The bathroom drama was unrelenting. I knew where the nearest bathroom was wherever I went. I carried my load of pills to control it at least for a few hours. Wobenzym, liquid Imodium, lots of drugs my gastro pack offered, and the bottom line Roxicet because the codeine in it really worked
not only to dull the pain but to stop the runs.
In restaurants, I'd look around and see happy people enjoying themselves. They had no idea what I was going through.
They seemed so carefree.
They would buys tickets to go to the theater months away.
I would dare not.
They would plan vacations many months away.
I had my chemo schedule
and my issues,
my flirtation with death.
I no longer planned far into the future.
YET, I DID PLAN TO LIVE. TO GO THROUGH WHAT I HAD TO IN ORDER TO KILL THE CANCER. I ENVISIONED MYSELF FAR FAR INTO THE FUTURE.
BEING A PART OF MY DAUGHTERS LIVES AND JOYS.
LITERALLY LIVING TO SEE MY GRANDCHILDREN
ENTER THIS WORLD!
TALK ABOUT MIRACLES!!
But from August to Decemember of 1998, I lost my footing. I indulged in many a pity party. I was so scared. Confused. Beyond chemo brain. I suppose I was a bit lost... Then, finally, in December of that year, (after the numbing reality of my 2nd dx, I gained my footing again. And it was then that the words of my Prayer For Survival welled up in me and I quickly wrote them down.
It is my honor to share these words with everyone.
Hybrid Mode
