Crossroads

[Lori R]

I was going to tally the responses for keeping working vs quit. But I was too lazy. You get the drift.

I vote for don't quit. I am amazed at what you have been through in a very short amount of time. It is no surprise that you would be at the end of your rope and looking for a bit of respite.

I am certain that you are on the road to recovery and with each passing day that you are able to eat and regain your energy that the thought of work won't be so daunting.

But...when you do return to work, you must be a little selfish. You must put yourself first. Although it will be tempting to remain everyone's go-to gal, I would advise scaling back a bit. That approach has enabled me to work through 4.5 years of Stage IV treatments. At times I do feel a guilty that I am not my old self giving what felt like 110%. But....giving 85% - 90% has made a huge difference to my family. I have great insurance, still bring home a paycheck and am contributing to my daughter's college.

Of course, everyone's situation is different and I have been blessed with minimal side effects that I can manage. (world class napper on the weekends) So, I certainly don't mean that this will work for everyone. Just offering up encouragement that it has worked for at least 1 Stage IV liver mets gal.

Sending some napping energy your way....Lori

[CoolBreeze]

I'm not depressed - not at all. I've been enjoying my days scrapbooking. I can't put into words what c-diff did to me, but it wasn't depress me. Okay, that's not entirely true, I was a bit depressed immediately out of the hospital, but thinking deeper, I don't think depress is the right word. It was more fear than depression, I think. I was afraid of losing my colon, afraid of dying right then, afraid of this disease coming back and dying lying in my own sh*t.

I guess it made me face my mortality in a way I hadn't before, even when told I was metastatic. I knew I was going to die of course, but I always had lots of hope. I still do, but now I have a glimpse of decline. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It isn't depression, it is just deep down, bone knowledge that life is very fragile - MY life is very fragine. In an instant, you can be near death, as I was - in a very unpleasant way. And, nobody can help you. (Of course, people did help me but it didn't feel like it for a while).

I love my job, it's true. I hate getting up in the morning and it wrecks my day and every day after work, even when healthy, I have to sleep. I've never been a morning person. If I could work different hours, it'd be perfect.

I ALSO love being home but I'm quite undisciplined. I should be writing a book, or at least an ebook to sell on the blog, or organizing the house or cleaning. All those things need to be done. I'm doing a bit of scrapbooking but mostly reading. I am a good reader, I can sit all day. I read a book every single day.

My health is not good enough to go back no matter what, but maybe it will be by February 1st. Or, maybe I'll just be a sick person and won't heal all the way, ever.

What is best for me?
What is best for my son?
What is best for my family?

Is it money? Possibly since I'm not healthy enough to go on field trips or do the "mom" stuff I used to do and can't clean the house well as have zero strength. If I can go to work, that might be better than being at at-home mom.

If I don't go, I'll miss the people I work with. I have no friends that live in my town so my workmates are my socialization. Everybody else has moved and while I keep up, it's online and not the same. But, I'll get enough sleep.

And, of course, the money and the college and all the other stuff I mentioned. If I quit - will we ever get a vacation? We've only had three in 14 years......

I suppose this is all premature. I'll revisit it at the end of January because if my health is no better, it's a moot point. I am clearly not near death's door and I am able to do simple things, but even doing a big grocery shop is beyond me, I'm not strong enough. I have the "responsibility gene" and I feel like I need to give my work an indication of what is going to happen. If they need to hire somebody, I shouldn't wait until the last second.

So, we shall see. It's hard.

I do thank you all for your great and varied advice. It's wonderful to be able to see things from all sides and hear ideas you never thought about.

[KsGal]

Sending lots of prayers and positive energy your way in the very high hopes that you will gain strength and weight over the upcoming weeks. Once you are feeling better, I think you will already know the right decision within yourself. Until then, just continue to relax and mend and take it one day at a time...big hugs to you.

[chemteach]

Hey CoolBreeze, just wondering how you're doing. I hope you're feeling lots better, have gathered information, and are able to make a great decision soon. Greetings and thoughts to you!

[Lori R]

Cool Breeze,
Hoping you are regaining your strength and confidence.

How is the scrap booking going? That is on my "to do" list. I am great at buying the cute little stickers and papers but really bad at actually putting together the book. Hopefully you have a big stack of beautiful memories.

Thinking of you....Lori

[CoolBreeze]

I'm still dangling. I don't know how to make this decision. We need the money but I don't feel physically capable of working. But, what if I feel I can in two months? It'll be too late.

I can try and see and push through - but the I hate to be the unreliable person who can't do her job. It's not the kind of job where you call in sick because the entire morning falls on you/me. All the teachers who call in sick - they are calling in to me and I have to find subs for them. So, I have to either be there or have a sub. Since we have 50 teachers, there isn't a day that goes buy that I don't have at least five or six of them out.

I see my doctor on Wednesday and I'll see if he has any input. I don't expect he will though. He tends to leave these decisions to me and just signs off on what I want. Which, I guess is appropriate. The more pressing question will be: am I healthy enough to restart chemo?

A friend gave me a ton of scrapbooking stuff. I'm a slow scrapper though. I'm working on a book of a trip to Hawaii we took in '08. Have about four 2 page spreads done.

Thanks for thinking of me. It hurts to move these days so I'm not doing much.

[ElaineM]

Scrapbooking is a good productive way to pass the time while you are recuperating.
You don't seem to be confident that you can do your job fully due to your health problems. Let me as you some blunt questions.
1. What would your family value more? Having you alive and well or the money you might be able to earn in 2012?
2. If decide not to return to work would your school continue to exist and serve the needs of the students and teachers?
3. Could you find another position if you stop working now and feel well enough to go back to work later?
4. Can you with your doctor's or employer's help apply for some kind of temporary or permanent disability payments?
I was a teacher who thought if she quit for health reasons the school and the students would suffer.
That didn't happen. The school, office staff, principals, teachers and students continued to thrive. Everyone else moved on and so did I. I developed new interests after I started to feel better and I am now enjoying my "retirement". One could say I changed careers. It was very hard financially at first, but things are getting a little better in that area. I am currently thinking about taking some college classes or adult education classes online. If I decide to go back to work I want to do something in the medical field. That will be my third professional career.
Take good care of yourself and have a serious talk with your doc this week. Ask for suggestions and guidance. Then go home and discuss the situation with your family. You may not have to decide until shortly before you are due to return to work.
Good luck.

[KsGal]

Im still in the same boat as you, and still haven't made a decision. I really like my job, but need to be feeling good and be reliable to do it. I don't know what kind of shape I will be in a few months down the line, I don't know if these drugs will work and I will have some time of remission, or it will be right on to some other therapy. I definitely need the money, but right now I am more leaning toward leaving this job, and then a couple months down the line if I am feeling like I can picking up something else just part time a few days a week. Im just scared to commit myself to something Im not certain I can do or for how long. ((hugs)) Its really confusing. My family says whatever decision I make will be the right one and we will work it out, but in my head I see the negatives of both options. Just wanted you know I know what a difficult decision it is. I'll be sending you lots of prayers and positive energy.

[Jackie07]

Thought I'd share my story...

I had been 'fired' from numerous jobs since my first brain tumor surgery. The law states that a person's position is protected for up to a year after the onset of a illness. I was always dismissed a little over a year after rturning to my job following a major surgery.

The neurologist explained to us after my first job loss that my 'movement and reaction time' was slower than I perceived myself - typical for patients who are recovering from a head injury. In other words, I did not know that I was slow and forgetful. How can one remember what he/she had forgotten? The neurologist stated after examing me: "She could have stayed on her job if she had a more compassionate boss..."

I was warned (by my boss) that I shouldn't 'burn the bridges'. But my Father-in-law had threatened to 'disown' me if I resign (due to the concern of the unemployment benefit - he had been told by his local unemployment agency: "Tell your daughter-in-law not to resign." So I bit my tongue and received the 'registered' letter a couple of days later. It was more depressing than my brain tumor diagnosis!

But three months later, by divine intervention, I was offered a job at the local Chinese New Year Dinner Party (which I had grudgingly organized after being pressed by the former President of the Club) And even though I'd had more cancers/surgeries and more job losses, I worked (including doing job search while on unemployment) 18 years continuously after that crushing experience of job loss.

Our employers are supposed to 'accomodate' our disability - especially when the situation is so 'temporary'. The head of Personnel of the City (I had been the reference librarian of the City Library for almost 5 years) even came to the restaurant with her staff. Most people agreed that my dismissal was not justified, that my ex-boss did not treat me fairly. Less than two years later, that library director who had 'fired' me was forced to resign due to some inappropriate relationship/poor judgement.

"Living well is the best revenge." I'm not a vengeful person, but I do feel that many employers don't regard us as 'human beings' when we continue to be loyal to them. My ex-boss was not a bad person. She felt she was doing her job - and I was doing my job to protect myself and my family.

ps. By the way, I was the sole breadwinner back then because my husband was going back to school to get his degree. We continued the insurance coverage through COBRA for 18 months before switching to the plan offered by my husband's new employer.

[CoolBreeze]

1. What would your family value more? Having you alive and well or the money you might be able to earn in 2012?

It's not a valid question as it's not a black and white situation. My family needs the money. If they had to choose between money and having me alive, than they would choose me alive. But, so far, they can have both, but at physical cost to myself. But, as far as I know, not DANGEROUS physical cost. I'll just be in pain more and be more tired.

2. If decide not to return to work would your school continue to exist and serve the needs of the students and teachers?

Of course! I don't think I'm indispensable by any means - after all, I've been off since October and everybody is doing fine. Whether the school "continues to exist" is not a consideration - it's a 50 year old school, they've had secretaries before me and will have some after me. The consideration is whether I can do my job now. I have to go back in two weeks, no matter what. Can I? Will I become unreliable? Will I give up my sub (who has another job she wants to do) and then not be able to function and have to give it up?

3. Could you find another position if you stop working now and feel well enough to go back to work later?

I can choose a leave year of absence, which means I can come back to the district in a year. (I think that's what it means). But, not to my job. My job is five minutes away from home at the school my son attends. I wouldn't get any say where they put me when I went back and I could be placed at a school across the district, with an hour commute. I could be put where folks hate each other, rather than where they like each other like my school now. I kind of have my dream job and I'd so hate to give that up.

4. Can you with your doctor's or employer's help apply for some kind of temporary or permanent disability payments?

I can get on SSI Disability but it takes six months. I can only backdate it 49 days, so I would have to wait quite a while for money. As far as I know, there isn't anything else. I've used up whatever I was entitled to via the district.

I was off for a time October '09 too, when I had the mastectomy and started chemo. I came back during chemo when it turned out to be a non-event. Now I've been off since October 11. I've used everything up and I have to go back or give up my job.

Very tough decision.

[BonnieR]

I am reading between the lines and I feel you want to go back. You ask, "what if I prove to be unreliable?". Well what if you don't? This job sounds like part of your soul. I sense if you dont at least try going back, you may always have that "what if" feeling. And I hate that in myself. If you go back, what is the worst that can happen? You have to leave.
Previously, I suggested looking for signs. I believe if we quiet our minds, the right answer will present itself. Sometimes from an unexpected source.
I do feel your pain. There is nothing worse than being on the fence. I recall having terrible times with decision during treatment. I even talked to the therapist about it. Just day to day decisions were frustrating.
Keep the faith

[chemteach]

You love your job. I have to agree with Bonnie. Give it a try. Take it easy, people will help you because they love you there. They gave you a standing ovation before, didn't they? The support of my coworkers and colleagues at my high school has been incredible and refreshing for my heart and soul. I'm tired at the end of the day. Follow your heart.

[ElaineM]

I believe you will make the right decision for you when it is the right time to make that decision. Does that make sense?
Do not worry about organizing your house. You are supposed to be resting and taking care of yourself right now. You can do the organizing and other things you are worried about when you feel better.
Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself and enjoy the scrapbooking.

[jellybean]

I, too, think that you want to go back, although you are not yet well enough to do so. If I were you, I would have a call with your principal, explain the situation, indicate that you very much would like to come back, but that it is possible/likely that you will not be able to return by February 1. I bet he (she?) will offer to work something out so you can take more time to recover. He needs you, and knows that he will be better off having you as an assistant starting in March than with a permanent replacement starting February 1. I think giving yourself more time to get better will make this an easier decision. If you quit now, when you feel better in a month or two you will be kicking yourself.

[Ellie F]

I also think you wish to go back and all for very valid, wide ranging and important reasons.
If there is any chance at all that you could take more time off to recover it certainly feels worth exploring.
You are in recovery from major surgery and major infection, both of which have taken a massive toll on your immune system and general health. I know you mentioned a further chemo to 'mop up' any stray cells as you are going for the cure.
My question is can your body withstand all the above plus the pain, stress (from a busy job) and fatigue of a return to work at this stage in your recovery? Would return at this stage maximise or minimise your chance of obtaining the outcome you want?
Ellie

[ElaineM]

I think Jelly bean has an excellent point. If your principal values you he or she might be willing to work with you about your return date. I also think Ellie has a good point. Your employer wants a healthy employee he or she knows is dedicated to the job.
February 1st is next week. Maybe your body knows your are not 100% healthy since you have been concerned about all this.
You will know when it is time to make this important decision.

[CoolBreeze]

I am not sure the principal has much to say about it. Principals have a lot less authority than people think. HR has their rules and they usually need to be followed. I don't have to go back to February 17th, and I'm thinking what I'll try is to start back February 5th half days and then work up to it. If my doctor writes it up that way, they have to do it.

I'm not physically ready but will I ever be? I'll be on chemo for the rest of my life, the next one is Xyloda, as soon as I'm completely recovered from c-diff. (Still have stomach pain). So, if I want to work, there are some pains and problems I'm going to have to put up with.

I have been struggling so hard with this decision. If I didn't have to be there so early in the morning it would be so much easier, but 7:00 a.m. is too early for my stiff and painful body, especially when it's cold.

But, I had an oncologist appointment Wednesday in which I discussed this with my doctor (he said what I knew he'd say, "there is no medical reason for you not to go back but I'll write you out if you don't feel well enough." ) and as I walked through the waiting room to leave, I saw a kid out of the corner of my eye. I glanced at her and thought, "That's a student from my school." and then though, that's not possible in an oncology office. I glanced at her sweatshirt and it wasn't a school shirt and I kept walking when she said hi. I looked up fully at her, and it was my coworkers TA, and I see her and chat with her daily. And with her was a boy who used to like to come in and play with a paperweight I had on my desk. It said, 'Keep calm and carry on" and he would start to walk by my office and say, "Keep calm!" and I" say, "carry on!" Silly stuff.

But, there these kids were, sitting in my oncologists office, while I was trying to decide what to do.

I don't believe in signs but I guess I do because it seemed like the universe was telling me to go back to work - there the kids were, kids I knew.

So, I have made the decision to try to go back and I need to talk to my sub about a return date and easing in to it. I emailed her today.

I have been setting my alarm to get up earlier and earlier but it's not successful. I set it for 8:30 today and didn't hear it even until 9:00 then pushed the snooze button until 9:30. Then it took me 3 minutes to haul myself up to the side of the bed and put weight on my knees. (I am suffering from estrogen withdrawel too). My stomach takes a while to settle in the morning but THAT, at least, is getting better weekly.

So, I guess I made a decision, in that I will try. If I can't do it then I will have given it an honest go. The one problem with that is if I apply for SSI disability, I could have gone back 49 days since I've been office. If I go back to work the clock starts over and you have to wait six months for your money. It will be very hard to go six months with nothing but we were only going to cut it by a month so I guess it shouldn't matter too much.

[Ellie F]

Good luck Coolbreeze. I wish you all the best with your decision and hope all goes well.
I so understand your comment about being on chemo for the rest of your life but things are changing in the bc world and who knows what the next 5 years may bring including hopefully a cure or at least targeted treatment so we can manage this horrible disease like a chronic illness.
Ellie

[Barbara H.]

I had tears in my eyes when I read your post. I am not religious, but I believe those students were a sign telling you to try. Getting up in the morning is also the most difficult for me. I am also at school by 7:00. I do hope that returning to your job will work out for you, and that you will slowly gain your health. There are also new treatments on the horizon, and again, hopefully life will become easier for you.

If it work does turn out to be too difficult, both you and your family will know that you tried, and that it is time to create a new life for yourself. Knowing your determination, you will eventually carve out the right road for both you and your family.
Thinking of you,
Barbara H.

[chrisy]

barbara beat me to it. ditto, she said it better than I would have.

take it slow... keep calm and you know the rest

blessings,
chris