Those with small children..

[sabpri]

I see a lot of women here have little kids and I am just curious how you cope with the anxiety of your future and what it would be like for your kids?

I have 3 little ones, 2 year old twins and a 4 year old daughter. I am 37 years old and I am Stage 3, possibly Stage 4 with mets to the bones. I was diagnosed in August 05 and sometimes I am still in shock that this whole thing even happened to me. I am now done with chemo/rads/surgery except for Heceptin and Zometa. I look at my kids and it breaks my heart to even think about what their life might be without me. They are my miracle babies, as we were told we would never become parents on our own and they were conceived through in-vitro. I tell myself that since I am NED I could possibly go for 20+ years without another recurrance and that is how I make it through most days. The horror of having no control over something that would be tragic for the most precious angels in your life, your children, makes me crazy. My kids are so special and wonderful and I have so many plans with them as they grow, Girl Scouts, sports, dance recitals etc. I am terrified of this cancer robbing my kids of their mommy and ruining their life. Like I said, most of the time I can push the thoughts away but maybe some coping skills from others could be helpful!

natalie

[Lisa1962]

I have no words of wisdom - I think that the hardest part of this entire cancer thing is the effect it has on my son - he was five when I was diagnosed and will turn 7 in a few weeks. I was diagnosed as Stage IV from the beginning - about a year ago.

I hope he doesn't become that child in school where all the teachers whisper "did you hear his mom died this summer" I HATE that he knows about Cancer and that it can kill people - I despise that he has nightmares that he has to burry me. I wonder if there will be a mother son dance at school and he'll sit there in class with his head down staring at his table - I TORTURE myself with imagining his life without me - I DON'T DO THIS ALL THE TIME - not even most of the time - but boy when the thoughts start pouring in it's hard to fight them.

I just hope that I'm around long enough to teach him the things I want to teach him - to love him enough that he'll never forget that his mom loved him more than anything else in her life - to laugh with him and fool around and play and do homework -(after a full day in the office that homework stuff is HARD) I take every chance I can to have really good moments with him - I've learned not to get as exasperated with him as I did before my diagnosis - I am more patient (when I'm not cranky because I hurt or feel sick) I tell him funny stories about me growing up and how I met daddy and silly things we did when he was a baby - all the things I imagined I'd have a lifetime to tell. They've made for some really good moments. I think the best thing thats come of this is that I am using it as an opportunity to teach him that you can't just give up - you can certainly take some time for a pity-party and then keep on going - you can have a really bad day - and then make it to the next day when it's better.

Well at least I HOPE I'm doing all that...

I am rambling a bit because this is a topic that's really hard to talk about for me... I hope it just helps to know you're not alone - I think that it's every parents fear that they might not be there for their kids

[Helen]

Hi Natalie,
I myself have an 18 month old son and I also call him my miracle baby after having 3 miscarriages. If I start thinking about this disease and all the future possibilities it depresses me so .... i live everyday like normal. I am lucky that I am able to work from home so I spend as much time with him as I can. I also tell myself that no one knows what happens to anyone even the healthiest "Mom" who may not be able to make it home after work. This website is my refuge if I am thinking about the "beast" and I am grateful to everyone.
Stay as healthy as you can and think positive!

Best wishes,
Helen

[Susan2]

Hi,

I was first diagnosed 6 years ago with a recurrance 6 months ago. My youngest child was 2 when I was diagnosed. I was terrified, but knew I had to move forward.

The first thing that I did was to create a to-do list. My first entry was to dance at my granddaughter's wedding - since my oldest was only 10, I was going to have to be around awhile (and healthy) to accomplish what I had committed to. The next thing that I did was to do something each year to celebrate my anniversary. The first year, I became a certified scuba diver.

My children have always been told that I have a tumor (which I explained is a growth that should not be there). The doctors have a plan which includes many things. They believe that this is the right course of action for me to get better. I believe that I will be better. If anything changes, they'll be the first to know. And when I recurred, they were the first to know. However, they were fine.

I also told them if they had any questions that they should ask me. Everyone is different, so if someone gives them info, it may not be applicable to me. That's important because other people can scare your children if you are not careful.

None of us knows how long we have. That's true for everyone - whether or not they have bc. I try to live each day as if it were precious and try to make happy memories for my children. If I can give them happy memories and a feeling that they were loved for who they are, I will feel like I've done my job.

I know that this is hard.
Take care,
Susan

[julierene]

I went through a phase after being dx as stage 2a, that I would never get it again and I was done. But 2 years later, I was forced to deal with it again and told I was Stage 4. I wish now, that I just would have said to myself "It's probably going to come back, just live life!" Instead, I spent all this time worrying and denying that it would come back. I was myserable. Now that it came back, after the initial anger, I have decided that (for me) I am happy with setting goals of what I want to do. I do scrapbooking and work on things that are sentimental in nature. These are things I enjoy. I will be taking some trips this summer and visiting family and friends. I just sat down and thought about what I wanted to do, and started listing them on a peice of paper. If I had done this earlier, I wouldn't have felt so guilty about wasting my time with things that weren't important.


My advice is : Set some Goals to do things that are Important to You and Your Loved Ones.

Really, that's just a good thing to do in life no matter how long you live. I wish I had started doing this sooner!!!

:-) Julie

[mts]

My daughter was 3 and son was 5 when I was told I had cancer 2 years ago. I lost my father in a car accident when I was 11 years old and was too young then to grasp the meaning of his death because no one ever talked about it to us before. I realize now, why my mom was so gung-ho about making as independent and self sufficient as possible. My children are not treated like adults, yet they are very well informed about cancer (more than most adults) and are aware that my cancer could come back. And if it does, we will do all we can to get rid of it. And, that it may make me die.

I do all I can to spend memory making times with them -since in the end, that is what they will cherish more than anything. Of course, I plan to be here until old age, but I am actually OK with the thought of them losing me.

Now, my daughter tells me that if I did die, she would name a new dog after me and that way I would be near her all the time. When I ask her what would happen if that dog died, she said she would get another!!! When I told her that dogs get fleas she then decided that she would not get a dog. She said maybe a dolphin in the sea... I actually take comfort in knowing she will be OK...as I was when I lost my father. I was at a school function with my son and while we waited for the program to begin, we picked out "ideal" mommies. Every person he picked had at least one of my characteristics... which told me he knows more about me than I thought. And isn't that what we want to memorialize in our children? How wonderful WE are?

Not to sound too clinical about it, but there are many children who have lost a parent... I know we all want to feel like we are indispensable to our loved ones, but children are much more resilient than we give them credit. We really have to trust in their ability to get through the hardship of losing a parent, otherwise we have not done our job.

The one good thing about cancer (if that is possible) is that it gives us time to make the most of what others take for granted -time. Letting a child know they are loved more than the moon... Talking to them about the facts of death is not wrong, just not conventional. But then, cancer makes it that way.

Maria

[Sherryg683]

That is the hardest thing of all. I have a 17 year old son that I have put my world into and I love him dearly, I know that he would miss me terribly but would be alright, he has a great support system. It's my little girl who's 7 that I worry about most. She knows I have Cancer but doesn't seem to grasp what it is at all. I want to be around for her to fix her hair for homecoming and buy her cool clothes and do the things mothers and daughters do. She was a miracle baby to me. Me and my husband did not intend to have another child and had unprotected sex only 1 time in eight years...that was it, she was waiting for her chance to get her, and she is such a blessing. I always pray to God that since he gave me a miracle in her, that he in turn can give me another miracle and let me see her grow up and have her own children. I'm greedy, I want it all. I figure if I'm going to ask for a miracle, it will be a good one. At time I feel hopeless but then I realize what I have to fight and hope for, I intend to be here when she has her first date. If I didn't have children, this cancer would be so much easier to deal with, at least that's what I tell myself...sherryg683

[Lee]

My older son, who is 7, is concerned about me and it breaks my heart that he worries. He's always asking if I took my vitamins, when is treatment going to be over, when is my hair going to come back. I got a cold last week and felt really crappy one night, and he asked me if I was going to get better, and when. My younger boys are almost 5 (they are twins) and seem to be just taking things in stride.

Honestly, I just try to put it out of my mind. I am NOT going to let cancer take me from my boys right now. I worked too damn hard to get them (my children all are the result of years of trying and fertility treatments) and, whether I'm deluding myself or not, I just refuse to believe that they are going to grow up without me. Having said that, though, I am also trying to make the most of every day. One of the lessons I'm trying to learn from having cancer is to try and enjoy life as much as possible because, really, none of us know how long we have on this earth.

I also know that, should the worst happen and I am taken from my boys at a young age, they will be OK. They will be sad, and they will miss me terribly, but they have a wonderful father and they also have grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins, and friends who love them very much and will make sure they are well taken care of. My sister-in-law is a child psychologist so I know she will ensure their emotional needs are met as well.

I think you just have to try your best to think positive, fight hard, control what you can, and try not to think about what you can't. Easier said than done, I know!

[Rozebud]

Natalie - There is a web site specifically for women under 40 with breast cancer, all stages. You are welcome to come hang out with us as well. I am 36 with a now 2 and 3 year old (dx'd while pregnant with my second, stage 3C).

We talk about this stuff all the time. Rose

www.youngsurvival.org (go to the message boards)

Hi Natalie! Boy, you've hit a tough subject here. I have 4 kids, 13, 11, 6 and 3. I worry about them all the time. They don't have a support system at all, as we have no family here, all my relatives are in the UK (i'm in CA) and my husbands all live hundreds of miles away. There is no way my husband could cope with all 4 of them if something happened to me - I worry that the burden will fall on my eldest. I don't want to ruin her life. I try to tell myself I WILL be here to dance at all of their weddings and to babysit their kids, but deep down inside, I worry that I won't. Sorry I can't be much help to you, other than to say you are not alone.
Hang in there,

[jener8er]

Arrggghhhh that last post is from me - would help if I logged in, huh?

[Carol H]

I read your message and it was like listening to myself - I am also 37 and I have a Daughter aged 9 and a son aged 7 - they were only 3 yrs old and 18 months old when I was originally diagnosed and for about 1 year I though I was cured but sadly the cancer came back - I won't bore you with all treatment and surgery details but my cancer has spread to my bones and remaining breast but receive weekly herceptin intravenously and every 4 wks Pimmidrante which strengthens my bones - I cope fine and don't have any bad days at all - I just try to shove the cancer to my sub conscious and try to live a normal day with my beautiful children and husband and love the fact Ithere are no side effects to the Herceptin so can walk around with a full head of hair and appear like a healthy young mum - you are right to cherish your children - since the cancer came back I have not told my kids I am 'terminal' and tell them that the cancer cannot be taken away but I am doing really really well andnot to worry about it and if they do to talk to me or their Dad about it and my younger son talks about the cancer as if its like having a common cold and you just get on with it - he doesn't remember life before when I was cancer free as he was only a little baby when I was first diagnosed and has basically had to grow up with it being a large part of his life and is not phased by it - I think it has made my children more understanding and supportive to their friends and other adults - I also wake up every day thanking God I can have another day with my family and yes I also dream of all the things I want to live for to share with the kids - like seeing them go to High School would be marvelous or even better being there for them when they get married 0r the ultimate would be being around to see my grandchildren born - I can but hope - you just never know do you - I was given 10 months to live only 3 years ago and I am still here so keep positive - I find the women with young children who depend on them seem to survive and live a lot longer than all the doctors in the world say they will so keep prving them wrong and enjoy every minute with your lovely kids.

Carol, Dundee, Scotland

[tousled1]

I do not have any young children of my own as mine but do have a 5 year old grandson. I went on disability retirement July 05 and moved to GA to be with my daughter and her family. In Oct 05 I was diagnosed with Stage III her2+++ axillary lymph node involvement. My grandson is the light of my life. When I started neoadjunct chemo I told him that I would probably loose my hair, etc. I have lost my hair, eye lashes, eye brows, etc. My grandson accepts it easily and when he does ask questions I try and answer him as truthfully as I can and at a level he will understand. Children are amazing and instinctively know more than we give them credit for. A positive attitude goes along way in calming a small child. I hope to be around long enough to enjoy my great grandchildren.

[lisahammo]

Hi

I can definitely relate to this topic. I cannot bear to even think about not being here for my 5 y.o. son. We are having trouble with him at school. It is his first year, and he cries each morning, because he misses me during the day. Of course, this makes me think how much worse it would be for him if I wasn't here at all. It just breaks my heart. He is the reason I get up in the mornings, and fight each day.

I find that I have to write things down for him. I am realistic to know that I probably won't be here to share a lot of things with him, so I have to prepare for that. I have written him letters about things that I think he will want my opinion on, such as our IVF treatment, my illness, etc. He can always ask his Dad, but I think it is important that he knows my thoughts. I always feel so much better after writing a letter. They are certainly hard to write, but I do feel a sense of relief after.

Good luck.

Love Lisa