Waiting on Trial, got Brain Mets... - Page 2

julierene · 11-05-2009, 10:00 AM

Thanks, I am so glad you mentioned my ex. I have felt such a renewed sense of anger at him lately, that I can barely go a few minutes without some sort of horrid wish upon him. He only confessed his sins to me at the end of June, after 9 years ago that he committed the adultery. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself for still hating him for what he did. And especially why he won't tell me why he did it. I feel I deserve to know that much...

chrisy · 11-05-2009, 05:14 PM

Remember Julie, your anger only hurts you...it doesn't touch him. Take care of your sweet self!

StephN · 11-06-2009, 12:27 AM

Yes Julierene, I was going to mention that you will probably never know the WHY, and it is a waste of your precious life energy to spend it on a man who is not worth it. You need to use your focused energy to get well and heal.

The WBR will take it out of you, so spare yourself any emotional upset and make the best of the days ahead.

whatz · 11-06-2009, 05:40 AM

I agree with Steph. Don't beat yourself up for not already have forgiven, pray for the ability to be able to forgive and move on. Cheating in a relationship is probably the hardest thing I can think of to forgive, but if you can it will release you more that it will him since, as Chrisy has already pointed out, the anger's pain and hurt is only directed at yourself (does not phase him in the least). You are worth more than that, girl! You are worth more than needing an ex-husbands acknowledgment! Sounds like from your earlier post that your boyfriend has recognized that you are soo worth it.

julierene · 11-06-2009, 07:22 AM

I sure hope so! At times, I just feel like I was supposed to be the smart one and chosen my mate well. He fooled me in every sense of the imagination, and took away my ability to think of him in any other way than - VILE. Every time I have to almost be around him, I physically get almost vomit sick. Once, I actually pulled over and thought I would hurl everywhere.

Then I think about all the things he did to make me do everything, and how he was always so lazy and worthless. I feel so overwhelmed with upset with myself for being deceived for so many years. It didn't do me any good to not see through him. Ignorance is not bliss.

I know my rants right now, and aside from my health issues. But coming to terms with some of these things seems just so tied-in at times. I just wish that at some point, he will see that what he did to me was unforgivable and that he will never be happy with himself again. But I see that he is the one who finds happiness, and I am the one who has been left with all the garbage. He dumped his crap on me, and I feel so covered in filth.

chrisy · 11-06-2009, 09:25 AM

Julie,
Maybe you should hurl all over him!

I once threw up all over my date (it was early in the relationship). It was only after many years I learned that he was one of those special people who needed to have vomit on his new shirt.

julierene · 11-06-2009, 10:54 AM

HEHEHE! Good laugh!!!

Becky · 11-06-2009, 12:20 PM

Dear Julierene

This kind of betrayal is very,very difficult to handle but it is his weakness and not yours. He is also your ex problem and someone else's current problem.

I always go by the Serenity Prayer used by AA, NA, Al-Anon etc:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The past is the past and you cannot change it. You can only change today and plan on tomorrow.

Hugs

julierene · 11-06-2009, 01:10 PM

I kinda wish I had an way to just burn it all from my mind. His Mormon beliefs disgust me to this day, (sorry to any Mormons I may have offended) and I feel like I will forever be the victim of my own lack of judgment. I find it hard to forgive myself for the man that I chose.

MJo · 11-06-2009, 02:12 PM

Time will help you forget. And you need to destroy those mets so you have lots of time. I made a horrendous choice too and lost 6 important years of my life in my 20s. I comfort myself that I never have to be that stupid again. It's really a comfort. Just think..you never again have to be that stupid about a man. You never have to live that way again. As the song goes "I'm so glad I'm not young anymore."

Catherine · 11-08-2009, 10:15 PM

Hi Julie,

Your girlfriend troops are on the offensive. Medically, you seem to understand what is available and you have the back up and knowledge from the troops here. Emotionally, with the EX....Poop on him and the new squeeze. Never let him make you feel bad about yourself, you learned a lesson from him. You do not need to put up with a liar and a cheat and you do not need to forgive him for hurting you. Your children will always love you and realize that you are their real mom. Unfortunately, their real dad will probably lie to them some day. But we know that children always figure it out. You are a dear and I am so glad that you have wonderful parents, nice little kids and a wonderful boyfriend. Pamper yourself whenever you get a chance. Sorry to hear about the hair, you deserve to be tried of having it fall out. Hugs and love from all of us.

Catherine

WomanofSteel · 11-09-2009, 07:29 AM

I think Becky had some wise advice. I would also like to add that someone like that is not worth wasting your precious moments with those who love you now. Let it go for your own health. Good luck to you with your new treatment. Will say a prayer for you.

julierene · 11-09-2009, 08:35 AM

I want nothing more... I despise everything about him, and I am even more devastated that he will raise my children after I am gone. I hate that more than anything I could ever say I hate more than hate. I have always prided myself on not hating, and now I am being constantly covered in it no matter how I try to get away. My mind is my worst enemy, and I can't get my filthy evil ex-husband out of my beautiful mind. I feel like he successfully destroyed me and all the good thoughts I had left of the world. I have always been such a positive person, in the face of such tragedy with my family cancer history. In one night, and two seconds of him spewing his sperm between another woman's legs, he might as well have took a knife and ripped out my heart. All for a two second spew of sperm. I have never heard of anything more stupid in my whole entire life to destroy a faith in someone. I try to tell myself it could have been worse, but for some reason, I can't seem to believe it. I think about how he ruined my marriage, tore up our family, and then goes about his life like he's happy now. Purposefully trying to make my life miserable any time he can. I think his abuse goes far above something he should be put in jail for. And when I think about him rotting in jail, it just makes me smile. Some day, a day I will probably never see, I just want him to learn what a miserable person he is, how he doesn't deserve a new wife, and doesn't deserve my precious children that he cheated on.

MJo · 11-09-2009, 10:26 AM

RE: I have always prided myself on not hating

Those of us who would rather shoot first and forgive later welcome you. Does that make you a bad person? Only if you actually shoot him. That would make you a bad person. Please don't do that.

P.S. I just read your post to Joy. You do good work.

julierene · 11-09-2009, 10:33 AM

He already shot and emotionally killed me first with his adultery. I will never see revenge and that seems to really hurt me the most. He will likely live on way past me, taint my children to the Mormon religion, and ruin everything I have worked so hard for to instill goodness in them.

Sheila · 11-09-2009, 03:58 PM

Julierene
Say your energy for fighting this disease and staying alive for your children...you will never change him, and you are wasting time and energy even thinking about him....the best payback you can give him is to stay alive to raise your children....so focus on positive things for yourself, his ways will take care of him...if he cheated on you, he will cheat on her.....be the better person and live for your children! They will know the truth one day!

MJo · 11-10-2009, 11:37 AM

I agree with Sheila. I wish you didn't have the mets, but given that you do, your job is to destroy the cancer and stay alive for yourself and your children. Plus, it sounds like you are going to be a pioneer for the rest of us in this clinical trial you are fighting to join. I think you also give sensible and reassuring advice to others. I honor you.

Jaimieh · 11-10-2009, 06:33 PM

Julierene~ I hope the WBR takes care of the brain mets. In the mean time the best thing that you can do to piss him off is keep fighting and keep raising your kids. I had an Ex that cheated on me we were engaged and it ate me up. I spent a ton of time stressing over it to only learn that he is not/was not worth it. In the end it will come back to him.

11-12-2009, 07:48 PM

I remember you said you had a p53 "issue" maybe the following will give you some hope

This is Lani, but since the website update I am just unregistered and unable to sign in...

Cornell researchers identify a weak link in cancer cell armor

ITHACA, N.Y. – The seeming invincibility of cancerous tumors may be crumbling, thanks to a promising new gene therapy that eliminates the ability of certain cells to repair themselves. Researchers at the Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine have discovered that inactivation of a DNA repair gene called Hus1 efficiently kills cells lacking p53 -- a gene mutated in the majority of human cancers.

Using a mouse model, senior author Robert Weiss, associate professor of molecular genetics, first author and graduate student Stephanie Yazinski and colleagues explored how cells respond when both genes are inhibited. When they inactivated the Hus1 gene in healthy mammary gland tissues, the researchers report, it caused genome damage and cell death. And when they studied the effects of Hus1 inactivation in p53-deficient cells, which are highly resistant to cell death, they discovered that the ability of Hus1 inactivation to kill cells was even greater.

The study is published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (Nov. 9).

"Our work contributes to an important new understanding of cancer cells and their weaknesses," Weiss said. "The mutations that allow cancer cells to divide uncontrollably also make the cancer cells more dependent on certain cellular processes. We were able to exploit one such dependency of p53-deficient cells and could efficiently kill these cells by inhibiting Hus1."

Weiss and his team have new experiments under way. "We've proven the power of inhibiting both pathways in normal tissue," said Weiss. "Now we want to extend our knowledge to cancerous tissue and determine if the loss of Hus1 will impact the ability of cancers with p53 mutations to take hold and grow."

###
Weiss's research was funded by the National Institutes of Health and is now funded through 2013 in part by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA). To date, Cornell has received 124 ARRA grants, totaling more than $99.9 million. Weiss's ARRA funding will support one faculty and two student positions as well as the research activities of several additional lab members.

Laurel · 11-12-2009, 08:42 PM

Julie,

This is not the easiest post for me to write. You are not the only one who has lived through an abusive relationship. I know what it is like to be literally drowning in my own blood, because I had my nose broken so badly my throat was so full of blood I could not breathe. I know what it is like to have the ex not hold a job when you are working a full time and a part-time job, exhausted and still drowning beneath the bills. I know what is like to have them cheat on you with some young filly.

You did the right thing in leaving. Now only you can heal yourself so you can go on living. The truth is you will not feel better until you forgive him. Forgiveness is a choice and you simply choose to forgive, decompress, and move on. You let go. Do you know what you find when you let all that anger and disgust die? You heal and have peace. Sometimes I think bitterness eats at us like a cancer.

Give it a try. It might surprise you at how empowered you feel letting it go and stepping back. I find with difficult people you must "change the steps of the dance." It totally blows them away! Instead of reacting to things in the same old manner, you decide how you are going to change YOUR response to your ex. When you play differently, it places you in control and they are forced to dance a different step too. It is very empowering and privately you will marvel at how easy it is to "manage" the unmanageable!

Good luck with this new trial. It looks so wonderfully exciting for you! Praying 2010 is a fabulous year for you, Julie!