Brenda's Manifesto ~ just for the heck of it.

[hutchibk]

When I visit the forums on Her2support, I consider the site a big house with endless rooms...

I treat each thread as a room that has a discussion going on behind the door.

Often I can tell by by the "sign" on the door that I want to go in and hang out for a while.

Often I can tell by the "sign" on the door that I don't have interest or energy or knowledge for that discussion, and I move on to the next door.

Sometimes I don't know until I peek in, and then decide if I want to stay or turn around and leave.

Sometimes I sit in the back of the room, sometimes I stand around in the front, sometimes I take a little time to decide if I am engaged enough to move closer to the discussion.

If I do decide to contribute to the conversation, I decide the most appropriate way to chime in, whether as a supporter, a student or a skeptic. I know that politeness and cordiality is of utmost importance, even in disagreement. I know that my contribution might be met with agreement and might also be met with debate or disagreement. I choose not to become engaged in debates from an emotional stance, as it is not productive for me or the conversation.

If I choose to reserve a room and start my own discussion I know going in that I might enjoy the attention and kudos from supporters, the questions and curiosity from students, the disagreement from skeptics or even the potential debate from detractors.

Here's the key for me: coming at it from either direction, I make choices that can result with either joy or something less than joy, potentially protest or discord. If I contribute to a discussion, I recognize that I choose to knowing that I might be a lone voice. If I lead a discussion, I recognize that I choose to knowing there is the possibility of dissent.

I make these choices with full mindfulness and consciousness and the desire to be a compassionate and non-judgemental participant in the Her2support forums.

I haven't always been perfect at abiding by my own rules, but I am always learning, and hopefully evolving, and I strive to act appropriately in a way that would make my momma proud.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Your manifesto is right on. It is what I carry around in my heart. And I am choosing to second every word you have just posted. Your Momma would be so proud. This is the essence of this wonderful forum. So well phrased, Brenda/Hutchy. Bravo. I truly appreciate your summation and perspective, just for the heck of it... Thank you.

[Believe51]

Well said Brenda, I needed to hear your feelings today and I cannot tell you how that makes me feel. I have been too emotionally and physically exhausted to contribute the opening of many doors lately but happy to join you now. That being said I wanted to let you know I appreciate your 'manifesto' and how perfectly, once again, you have placed your feelings out to us.

The way I treat this entire journey is a' la carte, especially in regards to threads. My appetite is not the same each day so I have to make choices of what can go on my plate, what I can digest and go on not feeling bloated with. I join each meal and take what I can eat, I push away what I cannot or will not eat and I never criticize the chef. His cooking is a gift that he willingly shares with others. Sometimes I cook and I know that not everyone will enjoy the dish or maybe cannot fit that on their plate. I cook knowing that not everyone will enjoy my menu. But I cook to share my kitchen and I do it with the intentions that not everyone will come. It is with the comfort of those that do come and those that may join secretly, that I can provide them food and shelter. My guests do not always have to compliment me on the dish I supplied, we all have different tastes. Just joining me and sitting besides me through this all is enough. Just knowing that I may sometime cook something that you could take home is my goal. But I chose to cook and share recipes, I cook with consideration to everyones dietary restrictions. And I also eat within mine.

So Dear Sister, I thank myself today for opening this door this July 4th. I enjoyed my visit and the importance I found in your words. Thanks for lunch. Have I told you how much you mean to me lately???>>Believe51

[Bill]

Hello, Ladies! Just wanted to chime in here with my agreement.

[harrie]

Brenda, exceptionally well said!! That is exactly how I perceive each of these topics and threads! Your analogy is absolutely perfect.

I loved it all, but my favorite in conclusion was this:
"I make these choices with full mindfulness and consciousness and the desire to be a compassionate and non-judgemental participant in the Her2support forums."

Thank you.

[Chelee]

Brenda, I love your manifesto...absolutely excellent! I totally agree with every part of it. It covers, & says it all. Thank you!

Chelee

[Debbie L.]

Thank you, Brenda.

If we could all come closer to following your manifesto, there would not be all this childish "he said, she said" kind of yapping going on and we could all just say what is true in our own hearts, knowing that no one else would take it personally. We could debate SUBJECTS, not people.

There's nothing wrong with disagreement - it is stimulating and I think that we all learn something when we try to express our point of view. In order to do that clearly and politely, we have to consider someone elses' (different) perspective. And in doing so, we learn, and they learn, at it can be a good thing.

Maybe if we were allowed to continue our debates a little longer, we'd move closer to the ideal of your manifesto. Those who get overemotional and/or "hurt" would drop off and the wise voices like yours, Brenda, would prevail. We might not change our minds, but we would learn to respect other perspectives, and we would learn how healing it can be to give and receive respect for where each of us stands. We can't learn without practice, right?

Or then again, maybe the miserable thread and personal attacks would go on FOREVER and we'd all leave the forum in disgust or sadness (laughing, sort of). But we won't know unless we try. I'd like to see us try. I'm pretty trusting that in this forum, wisdom and love would prevail.

I'm certainly not an expert but as you said is true for you, I move in the right direction every time I get to have a "discussion" and I get to practice.

I do think that the written word is a whole different medium than we sometimes realize, especially when the topic sparks emotion. It is so hard to infuse tone accurately into an email message. I may think that I'm ranting at a topic that riles me, and you may think I'm ranting at YOU, and from there it can spiral. I started to type spiral "downward", but then stopped. It could also spiral upward also, if we hold to your manifesto.

Thanks again, Brenda, for caring so much about this forum that you took the time to write that.

Love,
Debbie Laxague

[vickie h]

Brenda, thanks for your wonderful analogies. You summed it up so perfectly and wrote it with such clarity that I feel blessed to have read it. And Debbie, I, too agree with what you said...so very well put.
Much love,
Vickie

[Yorkiegirl]

Brenda I TOTALLY LOVE your Manifesto. Thanks for your thoughts.

[Jackie07]

Thanks, Brenda, for stating it so eloquently. And thanks, Marie, I really 'get it' when it involves food. And thank you, Debbie, your analysis is 'excelente' ('Spanish' spelling.)

[hutchibk]

Debbie L. - A particular discussion with you was one of my great learning experiences and a catalyst for some of my personal evolution on the site... (I think you know .) That's when I started to embrace 'the power of the written word when the spoken word is not possible' theory... and to teach myself about the power I have over my own choices and responses VS. unconscious and/or emotional reaction.

Two things that you said are so cogent and crucial to the forums here, I hope all will consider their validity:

1. "We could (should) debate SUBJECTS, not people."

2. "I may think that I'm ranting at a topic that riles me, and you may think I'm ranting at YOU!"

I am proud that you read this and liked it!

[karenann]

I always love what you have to say Brenda! Once again, thank you.
Karen

[Debbie L.]

Brenda said: Debbie L. - A particular discussion with you was one of my great learning experiences and a catalyst for some of my personal evolution on the site... (I think you know .)

(Smiling warmly) Yes, Brenda - that "particular" discussion was an important learning experience for me, too. And as an added bonus, I found another kindred spirit connection.

It seems to me that you are a quicker study than me, though - you've evolved a lot further! (laughing, again). I still am working on being able to disagree with tact, dispassion, and compassion. Again, your manifesto is of great value to me as I learn these skills. I think it should be a sticky, at least for awhile, so we can all remember to read through it, before responding, when we read something that pushes our buttons.

Love,
Debbie

[hutchibk]

I love you DL! And I was so proud to get to hug you as SABCS. You are one of my teachers, I have learned so much from reading your posts. They always make me think a little deeper than I would have without them...

[Jean]

Brenda,
Thank you agan for taking the time to share your manifesto! Well done...I loved the section where you write...to act appropriately in a way that would make my momma proud.

No matter how old we get we carry the respect and approval of what we learned as children...from our Mothers. Very wise Brenda. I used to tell my son, if you can't say it in front of me, well than don't say it.

You have made your Mother PROUD!
Hugs,
Jean

[hutchibk]

You know Jean and Andi - what's funny about making my momma proud is that it took me a lot of years to figure out what that meant for me...

She was feisty and principled and conscious, albeit in a quiet and delicate way. She spoke very loudly softly, with well chosen, budgeted words. She was classy and elegant and always tactful, even when angered by something. But you always knew her essence and where she stood on something and she rarely (LOL!) had to beat you over the head with it, unless you weren't paying attention. But she was well worth paying attention to (unless you were a teenage daughter, ) - she was one of the funniest and most entertaining ladies I will ever know. And she was a lady - something I will probably never accomplish.

I am much more contrary and blustery (and willing to show it) than she was... but I do strive to do things in a way that would make her proud. She would never expect me to be exactly like her, but she would expect me to think through what comes out of my brain through my lips or typed into a keyboard.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Brenda it is always so interesting to read your thoughts. I really would have enjoyed talking to your Mother from all you write. Thanks for sharing that. It's nice to get to know a person by understanding where they came from. Adds another layer to our perspective.

My Mother was very bright, extremely alert and aware, well-read, politically astute and quite timid. She did not speak up publicly. I knew her views from private conversations. My Mother was always a lady, as many commented over the years to me. She was a genteel Southerner who was hard-working, dedicated and highly empathetic. My Sister and I were brought up to be well mannered and considerate of all people, regardless of their station in life. To be kind-hearted people. Mom was a liberal thinker and stunning to look at.

Believe it or not, I was quite shy growing up, well into my twenties. Slowly, I began expressing my thoughts, as I often noted that someone would say exactly what it was I was just thinking. I had worried I would look foolish saying such things, but others comments were well-received. So I was encouraged. And as you can see, I have overcome my hesitancy to share my thoughts.

I've always cared deeply about others, sensed their pain, wanted to help. Considered being a psychologist at one point. I was counseling friends when I was in grade school. Honestly. And my Daughters were the same. I'd pass them on the phone in our kitchen, little girls, telling their friends such words of wisdom beyond their years, advising others with genuine caring and understanding, apparently assuaging their angst. Wow! Good for them, I'd think. And it always bemused me as I witnessed this. Genes I spose...

I think my Mother would be pleased with my spiritual progress in this life (open-minded as she was). I admire my Daughters' generosity of Spirit w/friends and strangers to this day. I am proud!

Don't we each wish to make our parents proud of us, even when we become grown? Instinctively, it is ingrained in our psyches. On Mother's Day I send my girls cards, expressing my pride in the fabulous job they are doing. They are obviously deeply touched by this praise coming from me. I am most sincere, and they know it. I say, and write, what I truly think. Sometimes this does not please them, gentle though I try to be. Oh dear.

I believe that as we speak and act, it would be good to keep that goal of pleasing our Moms in the back of our minds. Do the right thing, I was taught. You know what that means, my Mom would often say, trustingly.

Brenda and Jean -- you are both extraordinary ladies, perfect examples of that old saw -- surely the apple doesn't fall from the tree... I have great admiration for you both. With LOVE...

[CourtneyL]

Bravo, Brenda!