family support?

Alice · 11-18-2005, 08:40 PM

I have been batteling this problem(cancer) for a few months now and I am sure some of you have been batteling much longer than I have been. My question is how do you deal with the questions from family members .I know they are concerend and I sometimes don't want to worry them.Also if family members are having problems of their own and are not sensative to the fact that you are not at the place in your life that you can help them with their problems how do you tell the without seeming insensative?.They should be grateful for what they have!How do I let my son Know that I need his help on a daily basis(him and his wife live with me) ,to know that he is able to confront his problems as they come up without me, and live a meaningfull life? That would mean a world to me! The fact that I may not be here to help him with the rest of his life so he needs to get it together now and not later when I'm not here to help and he has to do it on his own seems to haunt me and I need help from you to put it all in perspective .I guess I'm just a little negative tonight and I need a kick in the butt.

Maryanne · 11-19-2005, 07:06 AM

Alice,

It's all new to your friends and family and I think at times the "leaning" is denial on their part. But I have found that in time they do come around.
When I was first diagnosed last November my daughter was away at school and decided not to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It hurt but I knew it was fear and not wanting to accept the fact that things change.( last night we picked her up from JFK....she decided to miss her last class before the holiday so she could help me cook)
I wouldnt worry about your son, he just needs time to sort things out in his head. In the mean time, make time for yourself, celebrate you! this is your time! they will understand.
As for friends, someone here once posted a great idea, after every onc appointment post a general letter to all your friends and relatives of your progress and thoughts. This way you are not constantly re-telling and re-living. I think reading it helps them as well.
Like my mom once said " by time he walks down the aisle, he'll have stopped wetting the bed" .....you gotta love moms!

Maryanne

Alice · 11-19-2005, 09:39 AM

Thats great! Just what I needed to hear.We are having an early thanksgiving at my moms today and I'm going to have the best day I've had in a long time.

A social worker from the hospital called me last night and gave me some words of encouragement too.
I knew I could count on you to cheer me up and put things into perspective.Thank you.The letter to friends is a good idea I think I'll start that this week
Thanks,Alice

Lyn · 11-21-2005, 07:40 AM

Hi there, I am going through the same thing at the moment, I have been doing this since 1998, I have had that many reoccurrences that now I don't bother to tell many people any more, I just realised today that I hadn't told my brother that I fractured my shoulder 3 weeks ago, AGAIN. It seems that as my kids get older they need me more and that is a real bummer, I have done so much for them that they don't know how to do for themselves. I have not ever really looked sick during my treatments so I don't get much sympathy but since i have been in a lot of pain with neck and shoulder pain it has been wearing me down and I think I could just give up, so it seems that my family needing me is a blessing in keeping me going. I had this conversation with my daughter's school guidence officer today over the phone, and she says that it is not me who will be failing them it is the disease and they will adapt and they will get on and live their lives and I have moulded them to survive, but that doesn't solve my problem. Everyone tells me I have to remain positive and fight on, I have done it before, but I can tell you, or you probably already know it gets pretty hard at times being the glue in the family. So really there isn't an answer, we just want a cure and not have to think about this. I feel so desperately sorry for the young girls going through this on their own, I have a loveing and supportive partner but I find it hard to plan much ahead of the week end, I am booked on another short cruise with all of my family in Februay, about 20 or so, we did something similar when I was first diagnosed we had a dinner party at home catered for with a butler, it was like the "Last Supper" back in 1998 so I am glad it didn't turn out that way. I think as hard as it is, the younger the family the easier it would be because the older they get the more they rely on you to fix everything. I haven't really answered your question, but be reassured you are not on your own with these thoughts. God bless you.

Love & Hugs Lyn

geraldine · 11-21-2005, 09:39 AM

Hi Alice,
All in I have been battling cancer since 2001 and through personal experience, I found that my family took my illness worse than me. My daughter was my strength but my 2 boys didnt know how to deal with it. The fact that it was BC made it worse for them to talk about it. They told me they felt helpless and that was despairing for them. I am a pretty strong person and found that I could laugh about my illness. Dont get me wrong, I had terrible days were I wanted to giveup, but they pass just like they appeared. I found, by talking to my family, they in turn, talked to me.
I hope everything works out for you and just remember that your not alone....!

God Bless
Geraldine