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Hi, my name is Michele Ulmer. I have been avoiding doing this, thinking i will jinx myself! From the begining, I was planning a yearly trip with my mom, and my family,that consists of a 16, 11 and 6 year olds, and of course my husband Scott. I have always done breast exams every month, because i'm a nurse, so i knew that's what needed to be done. The 3 months before my dx, i was very busy at work and i think i went 2 months without doing one. the night before we were to leave on the vacation, I did a breast exam. Well, there was a big lump there that i knew was not good. It moved around, so i wasn't freaking out too bad. I waited til we got back from our vacation and made a mammogram appt. When the lady came back and asked for more films, i knew then my life was not going to be the same. It came back category 3. Category 4 is a defenite cancer. The next day i was getting a excisional bx. I just wanted the thing "out" This dr. that i didn't know kept telling me and my mom, 90% sure it's not cancer. When i got the dreaded phone call from the nurse, i was sleeping my anesthitic off from the surgery. I litterally fell off my bed. I went to a surgeon i knew personally and told him what was going on. He said i needed an axillary dissection. I told him i wanted my ovaries out too. Not knowing if i was hormone pos or neg. I just did want them in there to spread to. When i woke up and it was 7 hours later, i knew this is not good. I was so out of it when he told me that he thought 35 of my nodes were pos. But i wasn't that out of it to know that "this is going to kill me" the next day i went for the whole set of scans,chest,bone,brain and abdomen. I was there looking with the radiologist at the scans. I watched his every expression, knowing one of these has to show something. God, was not ready for me to get that news yet. They were all neg.
The first day of chemo was the worst. Watching the "red devil" go through the iv line was the ultimate wake up call. I saw 2 female onc. that both told me i had 3 years to live. I was a limp rag. Nothing could bring me up from that dark place i fell into after falling off my bed! The one that finally got to me was the realization that i saw an angel 3 times before my dx. I was having a vision of a little boy standing beside my bed for 3 months before dx. He scared me and i would sit up and scream. The last time i saw him was the last night of our vacation. Scott saw me reaching out to him that night and wondered, what is she seeing? I never put the 2 together until a friend of mine that survived leukemia, told me that she had seen a little boy angel when she was really sick. That realization brought me to the conclusion, that no matter what happens, i will be ok because God is watching me. I had 4 cycles AC followed be 12 weekly Taxols. Then radiaiton and one year of herceptin in trial. I have 4 more to go! It's been a very long up and down battle the last 17 months. I have not ever let my guard down. Always thinking when i do let that breath out, then it will come back. I'm trying to get into a vaccine trial next. I want to do everything i can to stop this monster, so if it every comes back, i will have the right to say "hey, i did all that i could on my end". I have found peace and fellowship with all of you on this website. I don't know where i would be if i didn't have this site. I've found a very special "soul" friend from here. Audrey. We have met in Chicago and i know you all know what i mean when i say, in her presence i finally felt solace. Knowing she knew what every feeling that i was having meant, because she has been there done that!
My dreams of the future have been taken from me, but the here and now is what i have left. With God's grace, i will trudge on. He has left me many "hints" that he is watching me and that he cares. But i know when i see my "angel" again, it might be the time to call on Him for extra help. "I will never leave you or foresake you". That verse has never had so much meaning!
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