Wishing to live to Age 40

[Carol H]

I am from Scotland, and 37 yrs old, Married with a Daughter aged 9 and a Son aged 7. I was diagnosed with Stage III Breast Cancer in June 2000 and had a radical Mastectomy the very next day(no reconstruction) then 6 months of chemo followed, very bald and very sick then 20 doses of Radiotherapy and was taking Tamoxifen for a year then found lump on my nekc, had a biopsy and informed the cancer had returned. Had various scans which revealed the cancer had returned in my bones(spine and rib cage) and a massive tumour on my right and only remaining breast. I was told I had at least 10 months or so to live - I was beyond devastation - I had two young children and decided not to say anything to them other than the cancer was back but the doctors will try and fix it - there was no way I was going to give in yet -I was also informed I had type HER2positive Breast Cancer (In the UK we are a bit behind the times with regards to science as the USA is way more advanced than us and we always tend to get a new drug a few years after its been used in the USA) I started 6 months of Docetaxol Chemo and Herceptin intravenously then the tumour in the breast had reduced but the bone cancer has remained the same - To date I still go every week for my weekly Herceptin treatment and every 4 weeks received by drip a Biophosphate Drip for the bone Mets - I do not suffer any side affects with the Herceptin, after from tiredness and I take daily meds or oral low dose morphine tablets for the bone pain and lead a normal life as a wife and mum to two young children who need me to be a normal mum to them - I love normality and don't wallow in self pity and try very hard not think too much in advance about the cancer and when all the treatment with stop working. Life is wonderful.

I have decided not to tell my children I am terminally ill only that the cancer is back and cannot be cured but the doctors say Mummy is doing so well and still go to hospital every week for the medicine to keep me well -We decided that to tell the children I was dying and was not even sure how I would react to the Herceptin was too cruel a burden to place on young children as every day they would wake up wondering would this be the day they would lose their mummy - I do not lie to them is they ask me questions - When the time comes that the treatment is no longer working then thats when we will tell them the whole picture but until then why burden them - let them have a happy carefree childhood whilst they can enjoy it. My young son does sometimes have the rare and odd moment of weakness and will bo a bit quiet and have a private cry then open up in his own time and recently he did ask me would I be alive when he turns 8 yrd old this October - I replied by saying I would not lie to him and say I would but would hope and pray I will be around a fighting fit and am sure I will be which he accepted and was fine after that.

Me or any of my family have not had any counselling as we do not need it as I am a very positive person who just gets on with things not matter how hard they are - I am no saint but just think why spend precious moments of your life worrying all the time - just get up and get on with it thats what I think - but sometimes in bed at night(not very often) I think about how I am not afraid of dying but terrified beyond belief of leaving my beautiful young children behind without their mummy to give them their bedtime stories and hugs and cuddles when they need them and silly things like making sure all their home comforts are around them and the thought of them lying in bed at night weeping uncontrollably because I am gone is just too much and worrying about how my husband will cope going through the rest of his life without me and coping without me as I do all the housework, organising kids school and club activities etc - and worry everything and all their routines will fall apart - but know he will be a wonderful and caring father to my children am in some ways jealous that he will see my children grow in adults, get married, see my daughter in her wedding dress, see our grandchildren etc but cannot spend time resenting this and concentrate on the present and now.

Are there any other woman in the UK in my position or similar with young children as there doesn't seem to be amy UK websites or even any tips or advice from US women would be helpful

Carol