Is there any Holiday Hope?

linn65 · 12-01-2013, 07:39 PM

My ex married is 40 year old blonde girlfriend. And I feel down because we can. Never all be together with GF kids for an hour when our son comes from college . My ex likes to keep everything separate and it makes it harder on our son, and I hate it.

So Wednesday my son came home and picked up my car and drove it until today when he flew home. His friend drove him to airport and drove my car back to my house. Ex and new wife drive over and never say there are coming I just see them driving down the road. I was mad, angry and again thought I would have not treated him like that. He is full of himself and he just hates me.

I think they hope I disappear. I don't know what to do with my anger about someone that truly doesn't care to get along. It's her 3 rd time around and it was final in July that blows me away too.. She seems to care more about my kid then her own. I have to let go of the anger cuz no one cares,,,any ideas?

StephN · 12-01-2013, 08:56 PM

Dear Linn -
Your story is one that will sound familiar to some of the other ladies here. Their man has moved on and is cutting you out of their life. And trying to also keep the kids in his corner. Creeps all, and stonger language can be applied.

Here is my best advice. Not easy to do, but the result can free you. I quote from a wise friend of mine.
Learn that the very act of forgiveness is for US. When you forgive, you aren't letting someone off the hook or excusing their bad behavior. You are relieving yourself of the burden of being angry, lightening your emotional load, giving yourself the freedom to not think about the thing that hurt you, holding no blame, accusing no one, never talking about it again, and letting it go. That is forgiveness. Yes, you will remember, but the sting can dissipate. And by doing so, you hold no bitterness, no malice or ill will. And that is the act of Forgiveness' gift to you.

You have fought to eradicate your cancer. Now you need to heal in other ways. I Hope this will give you some gentle pause for thought.

suzan w · 12-01-2013, 09:10 PM

When he gets the best of you, he wins...when you give the best of you, you win!!

linn65 · 12-02-2013, 07:16 AM

StephN, How do I forgive myself and do what you said?? I want to do that I just don't know how or where to begin!! I want to cut them out of my head and never see or think of them again, and I know it is bad but I think bad thoughts in my head of what I would like see happen. I don't know how she can even stand living in the house that I helped build over the past 18 years, and I left the house to my ex (didn't make him buy me out). I did it because he is the one that wanted out and it was too much for me to take care of an finally so my son would always have the home we raised him in, and I NEVER, NEVER thought about another woman living in it....I know how dumb am I...

I prayed for God to take it from me, and I thought he did. Then this wedding this past Friday just had me shook...And it came back like it never left. My son said he is buying him a new Challenger on Christmas break and what 21 year old kid won't love that. And again at his age these things mean alot!! I just feel like I am nothing to the one who is the love of my life my son.

KDR · 12-02-2013, 12:24 PM

Linn
I really feel for you. But everything Steph says is true (and others). Remember, YOU are not the problem, HE is. Right?
We have dreams or ideas of how life is going to be or wish it to be. You have to move on. He has. Don't be stuck in the moment. You are beautiful. You are courageous. You are strong. You deserve better, even if alone. Find some empowerment in your battle with breast cancer, look at what you've done! I would love to know more about what you love than what he loves. As for your son, he is yours. He's just young. He will learn your strength when he learns life.
I keep it very simple here on the board, but if you'd like to PM me, you can.
Karen

Mary Jo · 12-02-2013, 02:09 PM

All I can say linn is someday your son will see what needs to be seen. Your son is young and someday he will see and know the truth for what it is. Sadly, in the interim, there is nothing you can do but to love your son and to stay positive when you are with him. As for your feelings......that's tough. Pray.....seek God......read a His word and trust Him. A couple book recommendations also ....."A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope and "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. As I type this I pray that the God of peace would wrap His arms around you and "quiet you with a His love." Zephaniah 3:17

Aussie Girl · 12-03-2013, 03:43 AM

I'm so sorry Linn,

This isn't my situation but I have a friend with similar anger and bitterness. Try to find a friend or counselor to work through this - It's tough stuff and you may need a professional who can weather the storm with you. It will help to build up the other parts of your life, discover your strengths, what makes you happy, and being around people who build you up.

You have to deeply believe that you are a worthwhile lovable person, before the sense of abandonment, injustice, anger and jealousy diminish. A long journey to be made.

You may need to look back to other relationships. For my friend, it harked back to her mother who had depression and a bad marriage and never "clicked" with her first daughter. The mother favoured some of the other children, so that sense of injustice can sometimes go a long way back.

You may be able to develop your relationship with your son using phone calls and internet as well as (Dad-free) face to face time, so you feel confident that connection is lasting and strong direct bond between you. Don't visualise it as a tug of war between your ex and you with him in the middle.

Take care

Aussie Girl

linn65 · 12-03-2013, 06:40 AM

My son does love me, and I know that for sure! I text back and forth with him all day yesterday. Talking about school, grades, and what he wants for Christmas. I think sometimes he gets home and he gets confused, and I never want to put guilt on him for time with him. I show am love and by example how to treat others and remind him when he forgets. His Dad is pessimisstic and you can never trust anyone so that has always been a battle showing him all people DO NOT have an agenda! I do see glimpses of hope with him. He said through text Dad never wants me to trust anyone. I told him insecurity of self creates more self doubt in other people at times. Then I told him a story about a person I had met 10 years ago that I was kind, genuine and I threw in funny as heck too and last week he told me about a job I might be interested in the point being if I thought he had agenda 10 years ago that might not have ever happened.

Yesterday, he was sending me different things what Alexander his name means it was sooo funny.

I had a few days there and esp HOLIDAYS 3 people died 2 in October, 1 in December and now my Grandma my angel in heaven who loved me unconditional has passed too. I used to love them and now family doesn't get together, divorced and I dread them.

There are days I am greatful, thankful, and know that I am blessed. It is a battle of the mind. And going through all this Cancer stuff was at times a battle I thought was so bigger then me, and I just wanted loved and someone to rescue me, but it didn't happen. I feel SO strong at times now that certain things just don't bother me because I made it through cancer. I have reminders like under my arm after I do to much hurts, and my hands and feet hurt on and off, and I hope, I hope all those little things go away.

I want to be the best person I can be, live life to the fullest, and appreciate all the time I have becuase as you all know you don't know whats around the corner!!

I might have an opportunity to take a job 3.5 hours away from here and it would be a dream come true kind of job, a new start, new people, a company I am very familiar with. However, I think do I even try to take on such a task? Before cancer and Alexander in college I would have but now I don't know. I have been at my job 16 years, insurance, great benefits, decent salary. This job would have all the same but not the time served so starting all over with vacation/sick time. So I am going through the process but I might not have a chance to even get it.

BonnieR · 12-03-2013, 01:59 PM

Linn, I know I am not in the business of job counseling but since you asked I thought I would offer my reaction. Right now you are going through so many changes and turmoil already that I wonder if it would be a wise time to make another major change. I have heard it said that when one is going through a life altering experience that its a good idea to not make alot of big decisions since we are not always thinking too clearly. The new job would be so much further to travel. And would you have the security that you do right now? The accrued benefits, coworkers and administration who understand your situation?
Once we've had a major diagnosis it's important not to tamper too much with the insurance gods!
Anyhow, I'm big on not making changes just for the sake of change. Especially when you have alot on your plate already. JMHO
Keep the faith

'lizbeth · 12-03-2013, 03:35 PM

My crazy friend,

I don't have the answers for you.

You let the ex walk all over you like a door mat.

The new wife sounds like a housekeeper - she finds opportunity, marries the guy, sucks all she can out of him, then dumps him and keeps the house. I'm sure she's a very nice person, despite the fact that she's on the 3rd husband . . . hmmmm.

I feel that you should have fought for what rightfully belonged to you. If you don't value yourself, then he won't. There is being nice, and being naive. Part, or all, of the house should have gone to you. Now it is what it is. Put it out to the universe about what you feel you deserve instead of seething over what you lost - manifesting wealth to see what good things come to you.

Changing jobs - I think Bonnie has a good point. You might seek out someone who has more expertise in this area to weigh the issues. Please don't ask me for career advise - I could probably use a job counselor myself, lol.

linn65 · 12-03-2013, 03:44 PM

I have dated someone through out this time and he lives an hour and half away. I think he expects me to be able to go and do, not complain, not cry and live like cancer never happened. I want to do that but I am in some sort of pain everyday then it gets to you.

He doesn't get it, my ex doesn't get it and my son avoided it. The job is something before cancer I would have loved the opportunity to have. I have always been a conservative person and never seem to have done just because I wanted to. I would be really afraid to take on a new job and it's challenged but now I don't want to live status quo.

I put it In God's hands and if they interview me and would want to hire me then I will decide. It's the kind of job I would have wanted years ago that challenged my mind, never boring (good, bad or indifferent).

I want to be happy again and truly happy and love myself because I know I come from a pure heart. It seems the men in my life I have always missed the mark. Every day I have seems like a sense of urgency because of the fear of it being taken away.

linn65 · 12-03-2013, 04:08 PM

Btw the new wife travels in her job and is successful. But I know she is vulnerable and will be controlled even if she doesn't realize it yet. Sometimes I feel sorry for her but she will never be allowed to think outside the box. Just a few months ago she thought she had cancer and she told me she planned to drop her kids off at the Ex's house and end it all. It ended up being a cyst the size of an apple. Her Dad died like two months ago and I see her sadness. Just a few weeks ago she came to my house and told me about it. I think she is one mixed up girl.....I get it.

My worst fear was ending up alone that was before cancer. I want a boyfriend but I don't need one. So I will keep looking up, empowering myself and know that I am worthy.
I guess I have always needed or wanted that from the men in my life and that's not going to happen so it's time I figured it out. I need built up not beat down.

Thank you everyone for your continued support!

Aussie Girl · 12-03-2013, 04:53 PM

Dear Linn

I'm glad to hear about your son and also your attitude, despite having so much happen in too short a time. I think you have more strength than you know and the wisdom to look for the good which is the essential thing in life. You definitely need time to heal in spirit. Wait to see how the job thing pans out.

I think it is very good to vent the horrible feelings that build up and that particular feeling that everyone wants to be deaf to your actual experience especially "now it's over" is one everyone on this site understands.

I am an introvert so I like to vent in safe places, usually to myself only, with edited versions to safe people like my mum and sisters. I am not above a bit of drama though, so screaming and banging doors or ripping up photos are all options, but I keep it a solo performance. The ridiculousness of it really helps. My friend had so much anger towards "the bitch who stole her boyfriend" that I gave her a Bratz doll to deface and traumatize at will and then to throw in the bin. In private you can do anything, public confrontation requires a very different approach!

As to talking to the people who upset me, I always give that time and wait for wisdom and control to come back. I work out what the experience is teaching me about myself first. I work out whether these people are really part of my life now and whether they are worth the worry. If they are important people who are going to people in my life and who I can see are of good heart underneath it all, I'll make an effort to develop better relations with them (carefully).

I don't do that for the turkeys who are either cruel, stupid, stuck in their limited vision etc. I limit my time with them, I'm polite and keep I keep my own dignity. I don't respond to barbs and I get rid of them and forget them as soon as possible.

I used to think I had to make my peace with everyone no matter what, but that was a manifestation of my own insecurity and maybe my idealism, not reality. I work on forgiving them in my heart so I can let go of bitterness, but I save my efforts for productive relationships and new horizons.

You can tell I'm someone whose head controls her heart now. No doubt others are more comfortable with raging emotion than me.

As for extra comfort, someone sent me this link on Facebook. It's a talk by a photographer. It's about 10 minutes. Stay with it because halfway through, he shows part of his new project about happiness which reminds us of the best way to deal with each new day.

http://www.upworthy.com/clear-your-n...ur-entire-week

love and peace

Aussie Girl

Becky · 12-03-2013, 06:37 PM

Well dear Linn - we get it. We certainly get what you have gone through health wise and trying to regroup and get to the new normal. And you've had all the First Wives issues too. But remember, the ex has Third Husband issues. Nothing is as peachy as you think and nothing is peachy long term. You need to get on with something and you have your son and he loves you. Its hard because he is at college but that's okay. That's life. Think of something to do with your son over the winter break. Think of things or a thing. Can you spring for a weekend somewhere with him? What does he like to do? Is there a fun close destination location - a spa, or an inn with ice skating or sledding etc. Just a Saturday night stay. Ask him what he would like the weekend in between Christmas and New Year or another weekend if he has a long break. Maybe a hotel that has a great indoor pool. Or just something else he has always liked to do, just you and him. Then tell him and its on your calendar. Have him stay over your place for a whole weekend and have some plans - movies, indoor go carts etc. Then let it all go. If you decide on "no new job", join a yoga, art or cooking class. Even a community college class or adult class where you will meet new people. Write a short story or a novel. Paint a painting. Paint a room in your house - maybe your bedroom and get a new comforter. Just look forward and not behind because as Laurel always says - it is what it is but also, it was what it was (meaning it doesn't have to stay the same). And the same wasn't so good for you as that is what is dragging you down now. Your ex is a third husband now - not a spot I'd want to be in because sooner or later, he will be the third ex when his allure wanes with her and she needs a new model. Look up because you're great. You are perfect. No one, not even the finest actress on Earth could be Linn as perfectly as you are. And we love you because you are loveable so stop torturing yourself and start rewarding yourself. You beat the beast, have a great son, you have a job and could have another at the snap of your fingers. There are options for getting out there to meet new people (okay, so maybe you don't want to paint a picture (or your room) but there's tons of things). I know you will do it and we will be there to watch!!!

StephN · 12-03-2013, 09:12 PM

Dear Linn -
Looks like your have come out of your shell and are hanging out with us instead of under your pillow.

What I meant regarding forgiving is to forgive those who are hurting you. If you can forgive your ex-husband, that is how he loses his power over you. Amazing that the "new woman" comes to cry on your shoulder. That is asking a little much from her side! But you have let her in and heard her cry. Maybe that gives YOU some power, but it is not the best kind of exchange.

I agree that yoiu can let things with the job happen as they will and then see whether you will have a choice in the matter.

All the best and don't forget to LAUGH and get some endorphins going (as Jackie here reminds us).

linn65 · 12-04-2013, 05:03 AM

I read all these posts, and it brought me to tears. I can feel the love, kindness and sincerity from you all! I needed kind and uplifting words from my sweet friends on this board. I read and re-read, and I will keep trying to forgive, let go of bitterness, and anger. With the love I felt from every ones thoughts and ideas it makes me feel such comfort and accepted for me. Thank you, thank you everyone for continuing to help me work through all these issues I have been having and have had. The gratitude I have is beyond measure and knowing this is to me a safe place even though public I poor out my feelings and you all have been there, done that and are paying it forward to me. I am humbled and with all of your support I can do this. Baby steps become goals.

I have watched this Tedx video called. Forgiveness and reconciliation by Gloria Estephan and it's what I strive and want to pattern my life after. I highly recommend everyone to watch the 20 minute video, and I promise you want regret it!

It's a hump day so going to get ready for work and make it a good one, and I hope all of you have a great day too!

'lizbeth · 12-04-2013, 10:33 AM

I'm still shocked that the replacement wife comes over to cry on your shoulder. You may be divorced but in some ways he's still married to you.

I'm suspecting you set the bar pretty high and I would not want to be the 2nd wife - ouch!

We love having you on the board. I've forgotten what it is like to live in a small town. You bring it all back. Oh the drama, lol!

norkdo · 12-04-2013, 12:50 PM

Becoming happy (not living for your son) is the best revenge!!!!! Parrrrrteeee!