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10-03-2014, 11:26 AM
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#1
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 362
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Survivor's Guilt
Next week is a big week for me. I go for scans, MRI and Bone. I definitely am nervous as I am coming up on 3 years. But something inside me feels guilty. I was told that my cancer was aggressive, it popped up in 6 months after a clear mammo and I was Stage 2b. My doctors said I had a shot at a cure but to also be aware that this cancer tends to come back within the first 3 years. So, subconsciously, I have been bracing myself for the last three years. And here I am. I feel good, other then the odd aches and pains, I have energy, my scans have so far been clear...I'm cautiously happy. However in the last 3 years I have seen many many people die from this crap, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and people I was in treatment with. I have dealt with each loss differently but the last one, Jessica (38, with two little kids) did me in. I am struggling with guilt. Why am I here and she isn't? She was ER+ only. They caught it relatively early like me. But yet, she's gone.
Does anyone else get survivor's guilt? How do you deal with it? I need to get a grip because I find myself crying in traffic when certain songs come on and I end up walking into work a mess.
__________________
DX 10/2011
PET Scan + MRI 10/2011
Lumpectomy 11/11/11
Stage 2B +++ ER+(10%), PR+(5%), HER2+++(1 positive node, 1 micromets to second node)
AC started 12/2011 ended 1/2012
Taxol + Herceptin weekly for 12 weeks ended 4/2012
30 zaps of radiation done 6/2012
Tamoxifen 6/2012
every 3 weeks of Herceptin for another year.
Metformin Trial 8/12
10/12 MRI- CLEAR
01/13 BRAIN MRI- CLEAR!
01/13 Neck MRI- CLEAR!
FINISHED HERCEPTIN 1/9/2013...Woot Woot
Starting Walter Reed Vaccine Trial 2/13
CT Scans + ultrasound of abdomen CLEAR-5/13
02/2015 through 11/2015 emergency D&Cs for Tamoxifen induced uterine polyps which caused uncontrollable hemorrhaging
12/2015 blood clot to left leg caused by Tamoxifen. No longer taking it. On Xarelto, a blood thinner
12/2015 Ablation to prevent hemorrhaging from potential issues with Tamoxifen residue in my system
1/2016 continuing journey without hormonal therapy. Reevaluating the option of a hysterectomy and oopherectomy.
4/1/2018 2mm stroke. Yes, stroke! No cause ever found but they believe it was a migraine that went bonkers and created a tiny clot. No deficits. I was back to normal with 24hrs. Now on baby aspirin for life.
7/27/2018 hysterectomy and oopherectomy
01/07/2019 Mastectomy and expanders put in
3/22/2019 Vtach, almost died. Cause unknown.
7/22/2019 New perky boobs put in
7/21/2020 Off of all drugs but a baby aspirin because of the stroke in 2018.
www.mychemobag.org
www.facebook.com/mychemobag
8 YEARS NED
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10-03-2014, 05:09 PM
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#2
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Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 439
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Re: Survivor's Guilt
My girlfriend passed at age 33 with 2 little kids. She had the same Dx as me but yet she never reached NED.. She just went from chemo to chemo to stage 4 to hospice and then passed. I have found that I will never have an answer as to why her but instead I just know she would celebrate with me for beating this cancer, with this knowledge I will continue to advocate for breast cancer awareness.
__________________
]11/13 Dx IDC left breast
11/19/2013 Inflammatory Breast Cancer stage 3c grade 2 Er- Pr- her2+++
Node involvement suspected based on CT
12/13 port placed
12/13 neoadjuvant DD AC xs 4 rounds started
02/14 taxol/herceptin started every week xs 12 rounds
Herceptin for 1 year
Ki67=23%
BRCA1&2 negative
5/06/14 last round taxol/herceptin. Chemo done!!!
5/07/14 clear CT scan
6/11/14 Bilateral Mastectomy Done
6/15/14 8mm tumor post chemo. Removed by bmx
6/15/14 lymph nodes 0/9
6/15/14 officially Cancer Free
7/11/14 emergency surgery to left breast . Wound refused to heal and broke open. New TE placed
7/28/14 emergency medical procedure now to right breast( post op 6 weeks mastectomy ) wound opens.
8/25/14 - 10/07/14 Radiation
11/24/14 CT of Brain clear
01/23/15 One year Herceptin Complete
02/04/15 Diep done
5/01/15 1 year Ct scan- mass in thymus
6/23/15 repeat CT mass in thymus still present
6/30/15 biopsy thymus 7/03/15 mass Benign! Diagnoses Thymic hyperplasia rebound ( chemo at fault, no long term health effects)
7/08/15 phase 2 diep
11/23/15 phase 2b ( reconstructive surgery with lipo)
03/05/18 Vinnie Myer 3 D nipple tattoos complete.
11/19/2018 5 years since Dx of IBC stage 3c remain NED.
11/19/21- 8 years today I officially remain NED and in 12 days I will be having a lymphnode transfer to help decrease some mild lymphedema! Still working, living life and soon to see a day I thought never would happen and that’s becoming a grandparent June 22nd.
11/19/2023 - 10 years since diagnosis and I remain NED
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10-03-2014, 05:28 PM
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#3
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 1,580
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Re: Survivor's Guilt
I know a lot about survivors' guilt, or how the cards are dealt. I escaped the World Trade Center attack. Yet, while I think of those everyday who perished in the most horrific ways, I know that God has a plan for each and every one of us. And I know God was there, and I know that we don't always understand The Plan, be we must accept it. We have no choice.
Your friends would have wanted your success for you. Walk with that.
Your friend,
Karen
__________________
World Trade Center Survivor (56th Floor/North Tower): 14 years and still just like yesterday.
Graves Disease, became Euthyroid via Radioactive Iodine, June 2001.
Thyroid Eye Disease. 2003. Decompression surgery in 2009; eyelid lowering surgery in 2010.
Diagnosed: June 2010, liver mets. ER-/PR+10%; HER2+++.
July 2010: Begin Taxol/Herceptin. Eliminate sugar from diet. No surgery or radiation.
January 2011: NED
April 2011: Progression in liver only. Other previous affected areas eradicated. Stop Taxol/Herceptin after 32 infusions.
May 2011: Brain MRI: clear.
May 2011: Begin Tykerb daily, Xeloda twice per day for one week on, one week off, and Herceptin.
November 2011: Progression in liver. All other tumors remain eradicated.
December 2011: BEGIN TRIAL #09-093 Taxol, MCC-DM1 (T-DM1), Perjeta.
Trial requires scans every six weeks, bloodwork and infusions weekly.
Brain MRI: clear.
January 2012: NED. Liver mets, good riddance!
March 2012: NED. Developed SMA (rare blood clot) in intestinal artery and loss of sight in right eye due to optical nerve neuropathy. Resolved when Taxol removed this month.
Continue Protocol of T-DM1 weekly and Perjeta every 3 weeks.
May 2012: NED.
June 2012: Brain MRI: clear.
June-December 2012: NED.
December 2012: TRIAL CONCLUDED; ENTER TRIAL EXTENSION #09-037. CT, Brain MRI, bone scan: clear. NED.
January-March 2013: NED.
June 2013: Brain MRI: clear. CEA upticking; CT shows new met on liver.
July 3, 2013: DISASTER STRIKES during liver ablation: sloppy surgeon cuts intercostal artery and I bleed out, lose 3.5 liters of blood, have major hemothorax, and collapsed lung requiring emergency resuscitative thoracotomy, lung surgery, rib rearrangement and cutting deep connective tissue, transfusion. Ablation incomplete. This life-saving procedure would end up causing me unforgiving pain with every movement I make, permanently, otherwise known as forever.
July 26, 2013: Try Navelbine/Herceptin. Body too weak after surgery and transfusion. Fever. CEA: Normal.
August 16, 2016: second dose Navelbine/Herceptin; CEA: Normal. Will skip doses. Watching and waiting.
September 2013: NED, Herceptin only. CEA: Normal. Started Arimidex.
October-November 2013: NED. Herceptin and Arimidex. CEA, CA125, 15-3: Normal.
December 2013: Something brewing. PET lights up on little spot on liver; CEA upward trend, just outside normal. PET and triphasic liver scan confirm Little Met. Restart Perjeta with Herceptin, stay on Arimidex. Genomic sequencing completed for future treatments, if necessary.
January 2014: Ablate Little Met on the 6th. Happy New Year.
March 2014: Brain MRI: clear. PET/CT reveal liver mets return; new lung mets. This is not funny.
March 2014: BEGIN TRIAL #10-005 A(11)-Temsirolimus plus Neratinib.
April 2014: Genomic testing indicated they could work, they did not. Very strange drug combo for me, felt weird.
April 2014: Started Navelbine and Herceptin. Needed something tried and true, but had significant progression.
June 2014: Doxil and Herceptin.
July 2014: Progression. Got nothing out of it. Brain: NED.
July 2014: Add integrative medical hematologist-oncologist to my team. Begin supplements. These are tumor-busting, immune system boosters. Add glutathione, lysine and taurine IV infusions every three weeks.
July 2014: Begin Gemzar, Herceptin & Perjeta. Happy.
August 2014: ECHO perfect.
January 2015: Begin weekly Vitamin D Analog infusions. 25 mcg. via port.
February 2015: CT: stable.
April 2015: Gem working, but not 100%. Looking into immunotherapy. Finally, treatments for the 21st century!
April 2015: Penn Medicine. Dendritic cell immunotherapy.
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10-03-2014, 05:38 PM
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#4
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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: San Diego
Posts: 411
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Re: Survivor's Guilt
I don't have survivor's guilt but I do find myself grieving for those who died from this disease, have serious health problems, and those less fortunate than me. How I deal with this is to start each day thinking of those things that I am grateful for. At the end of the day, I reflect and ask myself "what did I do to help somebody less fortunate". For me, it helps.
__________________
8/2013 Diagnosed IDC Left Breast ER-/PR-/HER2+ Stage 3C, DCIS ER+/PR+/HER2- Right Breast (54 yr)
8/2013 PET/CT scan shows mass in uterues and suprclavicular nodes
8/20/13 Begin 6 rounds TCH chemo, Perjeta added for rounds 4-6
9/2013 After 1st round of chemo, mass in neck and breast no longer able to feel
11/2013 Hysterectomy, mass from PET/CT scan not cancer (adenomylosis)
12/2013 Finished chemo
1/2014 Double mastectomy with chest expanders
1/2014 Pathology report from surgery and SNB show complete pathological response!
3/2014 Finish IMRT radiation
8/2014 Fat transfer to radiated breast
8/2014 Completed 1 yr of Herceptin
10/2014 exchange surgery expanders removed implants placed
6/2015 3D nipple and areola tattoos
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10-05-2014, 02:09 PM
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#5
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: "Love never fails."
Posts: 5,808
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Re: Survivor's Guilt
This is the reason why the Chinese traditionally would shield the patient (or anyone who's udergoing a traumatic situation) from any kind of bad news. I guess humans have the ability to feel the pain of others. We just can't help but to internalize what we are seeing/hearing/...
Many of us are obviously still in the trauma mode. Talking about it is a good way to resolve it. That's what a support group is for. So thank you again, everyone, for participating in the conversation on this Forum.
__________________
Jackie07
http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2011/06/doctors-letter-patient-newly-diagnosed-cancer.html
http://www.asco.org/ASCOv2/MultiMedi...=114&trackID=2
NICU 4.4 LB
Erythema Nodosum 85
Life-long Central Neurocytoma 4x5x6.5 cm 23 hrs 62090 semi-coma 10 d PT OT ST 30 d
3 Infertility tmts 99 > 3 u. fibroids > Pills
CN 3 GKRS 52301
IDC 1.2 cm Her2 +++ ER 5% R. Lmptmy SLNB+1 71703 6 FEC 33 R Tamoxifen
Recc IIB 2.5 cm Bi-L Mast 61407 2/9 nds PET
6 TCH Cellulitis - Lymphedema - compression sleeve & glove
H w x 4 MUGA 51 D, J 49 M
Diastasis recti
Tamoxifen B. scan
Irrtbl bowel 1'09
Colonoscopy 313
BRCA1 V1247I
hptc hemangioma
Vertigo
GI - > yogurt
hysterectomy/oophorectomy 011410
Exemestane 25 mg tab 102912 ~ 101016 stopped due to r. hip/l.thigh pain after long walk
DEXA 1/13
1-2016 lesions in liver largest 9mm & 1.3 cm onco. says not cancer.
3-11 Appendectomy - visually O.K., a lot of puss. Final path result - not cancer.
Start Vitamin D3 and Calcium supplement （600mg x2)
10-10 Stopped Exemestane due to r. hip/l.thigh pain OKed by Onco 11-08-2016
7-23-2018 9 mm groundglass nodule within the right lower lobe with indolent behavior. Due to possible adenocarcinoma, Recommend annual surveilence.
7-10-2019 CT to check lung nodule.
1-10-2020 8mm stable nodule on R Lung, two 6mm new ones on L Lung, a possible lymph node involvement in inter fissule.
"I WANT TO BE AN OUTRAGEOUS OLD WOMAN WHO NEVER GETS CALLED AN OLD LADY. I WANT TO GET SHARP EDGED & EARTH COLORED, TILL I FADE AWAY FROM PURE JOY." Irene from Tampa
Advocacy is a passion .. not a pastime - Joe
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