need advice for a teenager

juanita · 01-25-2006, 04:43 PM

I work at our local high school in the cafeteria and last May one of our teachers asked me to talk to a 14 year old girl whose mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Her mom had to have chemo first and then had a masectomy in November and is now doing radiation. I've talked to this girl since then. She's done good till now, but is now having problems dealing with all of it, especially the masectomy. Since I only had a lumpectomy and don't really know exactly what she's going through I'm not sure what to say to her. Does anyone have any advice I can try? I'd really like to be able to help this girl.

Barbara H. · 01-25-2006, 05:14 PM

Hi Jaunita,
My daughter was a freshman in college when I was first diagnosed and had a mascectomy. It was difficult for her to handle for many reasons. My son was in 6th grade. He didn't talk about it at the time, except that he was afraid of catching it from me. Now I realize that it must have been difficult for him. I think that you can't force the conversation with a 14 year old. You can let her know that she can ask you any questions she may have, and that you are always there to listen. I'm sure that your willingness to be there for her is a help.
Best wishes,
Barbara H.

Michelle · 01-26-2006, 05:57 AM

Juanita,
My daughter was 14 last March when I was diagnosed. I too, only had lumpectomy, but it did bother her. She went through a period of trauma when I was first diagnosed, and then seemed to settle in. Then, just like in the case of this girl she seemed to have a rough go of it.
Teenagers have a rough time of letting an adult into thier world sometimes , but she definately needs an adult she can speak to now. I found out one of my daughters fear's was where does this put her as far as risk? My daughter was fortunate( for lack of a better description) as her best friends mom was dxed with a second primary One month after myself. They have been able to share much.
I agree with the just be available route. Don't try to push her, and she will be more receptive to opening up to you. What a wonderful thing you are doing.
Best wishes
Michelle

Lyn · 01-26-2006, 06:35 AM

In a way I haven't had that problem, my daughter has just turned 16 and I was diagnosed in 98. I couldn't bear to look at my scar but she jumped right in and was the second to see it, her dad was the first and he just said you will be all right. My daughter, well she blew me away, she said you look like an alien, but in a good way, if that was supposed to make me feel better, I have been the only one with a problem with my scar, I still hate to be seen by my other half with no top on, he has never had a problem but I always remember what I used to look like and now I am not a pretty site at all, but I have been lucky he always see the potential in what others would see as ugly, not just human beings, cars animals, gardens even a piece of furniture. The other thing that bothered me in the begining was that he is 12 years younger than me and a very attractive man, he looked like Tom Sellick and had females flirting with him, it didn't occur to me at the time but it just used to go straight over his head and I would be upset for nothing, but now I am comfortable, we have been together for 18 years and he has seen me bald looking like the Goodyear Blimp, and bald another 2 times during this time, with all of my bad moods, self pity, crying and he says I am his best friend as well as the person he loves, and my daughter has the same characteristics, not for one minute does she think she will get this, except now she keeps telling me I have to dress old because I have to realise I am not young anymore, she must like my taste in clothes because most of the time I forget I even bought them for myself until she gives them back to me when they are just about worn out. She may like to be my daughter's pen pal in Australia, I know adults and maybe kids sometimes open up when they talk to a stranger, like the hair dresser. My daughter goes on camps for siblings of cancer patients as well as mixed camps, sometimes she finds them very depressing when they have to spend time reflecting on what has happened, and only because all of the other kids are crying, but she gets to talk to other kids who are going through the same thing. My daughter has been my rock, sometimes she looks at me and I just burst out crying and she consoles me and doesn't even get upset, she tell me it is just a part of growing up and accepting things we can't change, who is the parent here, anyway her name is Casey and I will give you my e-mail address and if she decides to write then Casey can give her the one she uses on her lap top, I don't even know it, mine is alexandere666@iprimus.com.au. Hope this helps in someway.

Love & Hugs Lyn

lu ann · 01-26-2006, 07:00 AM

Hi Lyn, My daughter Julie, who turns 15 Feb. 3, has shown an interest in this sight. Do you think your daughter would like to be her pen-pal too? Let me know and I will find out her e-mail address and send it to you for your daughter. Julie was 8 mos. old when I was first dx. She has been the only one of my daughters to really express her feelings about my illness and the fact that I might die before she grows up. She is very mature in alot of ways. It would be nice for them to have someone else to talk to. Many Blessings, Lu Ann.

Lyn · 01-27-2006, 04:51 PM

Hi Lu Ann, she would love to be your daughter's pen pal, my daughter gets excited when she even gets mail in the letter box, too bad when someone is only trying to sell her National Geographics. My daughter Casey also has ambitions to do a lot of travelling when she completes school and I know Canada is on her list and you would only be a hop skip and a jump away I am sure, and I bet your daughter is also very grown up for her age like mine having to deal with all of this, she also seems to counsel me at times when I feel like giving up, and of course she wins I would hate not to see her growing up, she is on a violin retreat at the moment, I knw that sounds geekey but fiddlers from around the world with different styles (she loves the irish music the Corrs especially) and she absolutely adores BOND, if you have heard of them nall girls bucked the system when they were thrown out of the big orchestra because they updated the stuffy classical tunes, Casey even bought her own Blue Electric see through violin and I know tutors earn a fortune giving lessons so she will manage to get the money to travel. She also has a beautiful voice and her singing teacher also wants her to become a turtor, so at the moment she is working part time at the local supermarket in the deli, she is very thrifty with her money eventhough she seems extravagent at times she still has a big stash hidden away so the world is at her feet. I don't know about you but I get a lot of enjoyment watching her growing up into a beautiful young lady and I must admit I do spoil her, she has two older brothers. Love to hear from you both soon. We may be able to start a Teen Chat forum or Live, for our kids, boys included for a support for siblings, We will have to put it to Joe and Christine.

Love & Hugs Lyn

loveher · 04-28-2011, 10:46 AM

Juanita,

wow for once I actually know something about a post. Since my mom was diagnosed when i was 9 and became stage IV when i was 13 i went through all of high school living with her2.

Things that could be helpful:

High School Psychologist-usually high schools have one. probably in or near the nurses office. I know there's a lot of stigma around seeing psychologists but it's one place where you can unload stress.

Letting teachers know through guidance counsellor/school nurse/psychologist- this way if her mother is going through a tough time and she has a midterm she can be given some leniency.

activities/hobbies/sports/faith- even though it's an out of the norm situation, maintaining some normalcy and having things to look forward to is a good thing.

and finally, i don't know if it was just me but i felt that in high school everything was about fitting in and having a sick parent made me felt even more like i stuck out so maybe some reasurrance that she is loved and accepted and that things will get better.

hope that helps,
Sue

BonnieR · 04-28-2011, 03:19 PM

Hi Sue. I remember you. What a sweet and thoughtful post. Thank you for sticking around. God can always use us all to help others.
Keep the faith.

Lien · 04-28-2011, 03:32 PM

Perhaps, as she is a teenager who has trouble making sense of her own feelings and as she may not want to "stick out", you are just what she needs. Someone who is there for her, whom she can talk to if she wishes or just pend time with. Someone who knows, but won't talk about her situation to others, so she can compartmentalize those feelings and leave them behind when she goes to school.

You probably don't have to do or say anything to help her, just be there.

I live in the Netherlands, so things may be different in your neck of the woods, but we have group sessions for kids who have a relative who is dealing with cancer. That might be an additional resource. But don't think for one minute that you are not doing enough. Some things just take time and can't be fixed with the right words.

Love

jacqueline

Lien · 04-28-2011, 03:41 PM

I found this article:

http://community.breastcancer.org/bl...f-uncertainty/

Perhaps it could be helpful for you too.

Jacqueline

Chelee · 04-28-2011, 09:01 PM

I see Juanita posted this thread in 2006. Not sure how it got brought up to the front like this? We must of had a spammer that attached a post to it? Either way it's old. I was very close to Lu Ann and she passed away a few yrs ago, and so did Lyn.

However I'm sure with all the women that read this board your posts will no doubt be helpful to someone else that's in the same or similar situation. The article Lien added will be very helpful also.

Chelee