How can I help her?

[JillaryJill]

I have been in touch with a 40 year old woman, that was treated by the same onc as me, was diagnosed about 6 months after me. Our home infusion nurse for Herceptin introduced us as we were both reaching out to talk to someone going through the same thing. We email each other quite often and we have met for coffee. She has 2 young children, ages 5 and 2. She emailed me last night with the news that the cancer has spread to her bone, lungs, liver and brain. I am devastated and I don't know what to say to her. How can I help her? What can I say to her?

['lizbeth]

What would you want to hear if it was you? You are still the person that is going through cancer with her. Ask her to think about what she help she needs, she might not even know yet herself.

When someone is at their lowest, they need a strong caring friend like you to give them love and support.

The game is not over, she is still alive and with the right treatment might be able to recover from this devastating situation. But if she cannot, she will need your love and support to die in a dignified way, on her terms.

By asking what can you do, I know you are a good friend that will do what she can.

[sarah]

Hello,
Is she a single mom? I am sure she would like to meet you for coffee and talk. You can just let her talk. Also I don't know how much time you have but she may need some help with her kids or to do something with you and her kids just to have some help. Particularly if she energy is low.
It's great that you want to help her, just letting her know that will be nice for her to hear.
hope your health is good.
health and happiness
sarah

[Jackie07]

JillaryJill,

Please show her the (maybe you can print out the latest statistic chart on entry #248) Calling all stage IV Sisters thread:

http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=48453

There are quite a few sisters on the board who have experienced similar shock. I hope she will find inspiration/reassurances from their stories.

[NEDenise]

Jill,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I know, firsthand a little of what she's feeling. It's bad enough to get that news at all...but with 2 children, so young,and so in need of their Mommy...she must be an unimaginable mixture of anger, sadness and terror. My heart and my prayers go out to her.

She's so lucky to have a friend like you nearby. I know, even at a distance, you've helped me many times.

The advice our sisters have given so far all sounds good to me. My advice is to do any or all of that...but go with your instincts...they've always seemed good to me. And as a mom myself...you can never go wrong with little gifts that will keep the kids busy...DVDs, art supplies, puzzles... It shows you care for Mom and...who doesn't love someone who loves their kids.

I know you'll find the "right" way to reach out to and support your friend. But, remember, she may not be ready to be helped at first...I know I wasn't. So keep reaching out...gently of course...but in time, she's going to be so grateful just to know you're there for her.

God bless
Denise

[Lani]

Good suggestions above.

May I just ask---why you both receive home infusions of Herceptin?

Is this common where you live?

Lani

[JillaryJill]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I sent her an email telling her that I will help her in any way that I can. I also shared some of the positive stories of the some of the Stage IV ladies from the thread. I am sure I will hear from her on her time. My mom, sister and myself are also going to send her something in a card to help financially.
Lani, I am done with Herceptin and so is she. My onc had a program where a home infusion nurse came and administered the Herceptin. The specialty pharmacy delivered the Herceptin in the morning and then I recieved my infusion at home when the nurse came. This was the 3 week Herceptin after the chemo was complete. It was a nice convenience.

[chekmark]

I have no advice since I can't imagine how she is feeling with such devastating news, we all react to the news in different ways. I cried a river and didn't want to see anybody at first. A good listener is always good medicine for anybody especially when they understand as u do since u have gone thru a dx too. Pray for her and I will to. U already have supported her and I am sure she is so grateful to have u. Just continue to do what u did before and be there for her. What a kind person u r. Please keep us posted, we r there for both of u. This will be tough on u as well since we feel so helpless. She will most likely let u know if she needs anything from u since she has trust and confidence in you. U will know what to do when she asks if she asks. Good luck and u r both in my prayers.

[JillaryJill]

Denise,
Thank you for the suggestion on sending something to the kids. I will do that also. I am just sick about this. She is a beautiful person, tall, slender, athletic looking, just grew her hair back to shoulder length....and now this. I don't know how she will find the strength for this new fight ahead. So many areas effected...what an aggressive beast she has to deal with. I just hate cancer.

[NEDenise]

Jill,
I HATE cancer too! With all my being!

It's unbearably sad that your friend is so young, but it may turn out to be an advantage to her in the long run.

Because she is young, strong, and in otherwise good health, she may be in a better place for battling than some of us older folks. I really, really hope so, anyway.

Would you be comfortable sharing her first name? It may sound odd, but I like to pray for people by name.

Denise

[CoolBreeze]

I'll tell you the one thing I hate as a woman with mets to the liver, and that's the constant pep talks. Trust me. I'm as positive as a person can be and I am not a complainer. But, I have a terminal illness and I admit that. Way too many people try to reassure me that I will be the miracle person who survives this disease and insist I think "positive" and I'm not allowed to mention death. It's such a taboo in this culture!

I would just listen if she wants to talk, without diminishing what she's going through. That doesn't mean you burst into tears when you see her, just take your cue from her. She may have a few more years and it's good to be hopeful. The reality is I, and she, will die of cancer and if we want to talk about it, people should not stop us by pretending we'll be okay.

I've been doing chemo 3 years now. It's hard. I'm tired. There is lots I can't do. If she's new she'll probably be okay for a while but as time goes on, it gets harder and harder. So, maybe regular meals, some light housekeeping, dogwalking stuff like that would be welcomed. Sometimes normality is perfect. A movie, coffee, or some other escape. I'm mostly housebound now but somebody bringing me a book or a movie or food is nice.

[sarah]

It's so hard.
Listening, doing something with the kids or with her if she's up to it.
helping with meals, errands.
if she's going to be in hospital, audio books are nice.
just being there. I agree with others, you can't pretend everything is going to be ok because you don't that but you can listen and do distracting things - going to the movies or whatever.
It all makes you so angry and at our last support group meeting a couple of people asked us "oldies" if big pharma was really interested in a cure or like heroin addicts, just want to keep us hooked. I used to answer that they wanted a cure but lately I'm not so confident and didn't know what to say so just said I hope there were some good scientists out there who wanted to find one.
Sometimes a cure seems close but then it evaporates. We just have to keep trying to find what will keep us alive. as a Norweigan friend said to me today (she's HER2+ with a recurrence), "being alive is just too much fun".
Stay strong and as our psychologist always says to us, put your oxygen mask on and then help your child or whomever, so make sure you are strong enough. You are obviously a caring person.
Hoping the very best for your friend and for you.
big hug
love sarah

[Pray]

Jill do you know just how beautiful a person you are? Gods blessings and many prayers to you and your friend.