Cancer and marriage

[kvogler]

I've read how many of you have been lucky enough to have supportive spouses during treatment. But have any of you been in the same boat as me where your spouse or significant other is not as supportive as you had hoped they would be? I have friends and family for support but this diagnosis has honestly put a strain on our relationship. We have a young daughter and were just getting used to being parents when now we have this piled on us now. I don't know if our bond is strong enough anymore to endure. I try to tell my husband what I need but he's a bundle of nerves too and is quick to anger. My treatments have been going well so far, but now my personal life is crap. It's making me depressed and I often cry and feel panicy. I have an appointment with a psychriatrist and I hope this well help some. I just feel so alone and like a big failure right now. Things are just getting so hard to bear right now. And I shouldn't feel this way because others are worse than me but its just how I feel. I don't even feel like myself anymore.

[europa]

Hey there,

I actually know exactly what you feel like but I wasn't married. I was in a 5 year long relationship and we had planned to marry since we have a son. I was just waiting for him to get his act together, which never happened. I was diagnosed when my son was 18 months old, I had sold my baking business and had launched a new company. My partner was unemployed and didn't seem to be motivated to do something about it. When cancer came into the picture I needed him to really step up and get a job but also be there for me. Unfortunately neither happened and I threw him out my 3rd dose of AC. It was a very tough time but I just needed support around me not baggage. Everyone thought I was insane. But as I told people, cancer was like a light switch that got turned on in my dark house. All of a sudden I realized just how badly I needed to do some serious house cleaning. I also changed with cancer, my level of tolerance diminished. So for me it was imperative that I remove him from my immediate surroundings. He was adding to the crap in my life.
However, I can tell you that if I loved him and we had a good relationship going into my diagnosis, I would of sought out counseling for us. Cancer is extremely hard on us but even harder on the ones who love us. I have some family members that just didn't know what to do and our relationship became, well, awkward. But I don't fault them because I know it's hard. I would strongly suggest therapy. What saved me during the debacle of my relationship was my therapist. I see her once a week. I felt like my family and others were doing the best they could to listen and be there for me but I needed more.
I would also see if your husband would be open to seeing a couple's therapist as it may be helpful to have someone guide your communication and perhaps unravel some issues.

[BonnieR]

First of all, kvogler, you are NOT a failure! Nor is your husband. My guess is that he is feeling as overwhelmed as you and having lots of trouble coping I remember my husband saying to me "but men are supposed to be able to fix things" and he couldn't fix this! We have been married a long time. Here you are, a young couple, a new family, and now this. It's not what either of you signed up for. But it's the hand you were dealt and hopefully he will step up to the plate. I am so happy to hear about the therapy. Get yourself some help and maybe medication for anxiety and depression. The therapist will likely want to see your husband too. My cancer center had a counselor who specialized in our needs
Right now try to take things one day at a time. Don't project too much. It will get better. Keep the faith
And Europa, I love what you expressed. Sometimes one of the blessings of cancer is clarity!!!

[Becky]

The actions of your spouse or any close family member can go either way. The bottom line is that it is all related to fear - overwhelming fear even if they don't know it.

For some, they are over attentive, over helpful, extremely supportive.

For some, they are not. Very alouf. Breaking the bond. They don't want to be hurt if things don't go right.

When I was diagnosed, my middle daughter was 15 (almost 16) and very into the culinary world - going afternoons in high school to polytech and actually later, getting an Associates of Science in Baking and Pastry arts.

She cooked our dinners often. Therefore, I thought I would have this covered as my husband and I worked and I still worked most days (during chemo/rads time).

Unfortunately, everything stopped. No cooking when she always did it. Nothing. My youngest, who did nothing as a youngest usually does, started cleaning! Dusting, vaccuming, cleaning the bathrooms.

My point is everyone is different. I think my cooking daughter subconciously thought "if mom can cook, she can't be that bad off (and everything will be okay)".

She later told me that she was looking at pictures and there were a few of me during chemo and how terrible I looked (white, no color) but she said that at the time, she thought I looked fine(which is probably why she behaved the way she did - "its okay, this isn't really happening"). All fear - same for you too.

I think therapy on how to handle the situation is a really good idea.

[Mtngrl]

The other responses have been right-on. Fear is a mind-killer, and it can be a relationship-killer (both your fear and your husband's). Also, the drugs, especially steroids, can affect your perceptions and behavior. I noticed a pattern of saying really mean things about three days after every treatment. I wasn't warned about 'roid rage, and I wish I had known. I never said anything untrue, but I was unusually blunt. I had no filters. With some awareness that it might be the drugs talking, I'd have held my tongue.

Stressors like a serious illness (or a new child, new job, loss of a parent, etc.) really test relationships. If people see the increased instances of friction and conflict as opportunities and meet them with a mood of curiosity rather than defensiveness, they can be a source of immense personal and interpersonal growth. A good therapist can help you change your self-talk about what is happening around you, which can change your feelings and improve your sense of mastery. For example, when you find yourself anxiously focusing on someone else's behavior, you might ask yourself why you're so anxious, and learn to do things for yourself that lessen the anxiety.

I would advise you not to make any quick decisions about your marriage. Accept the things you cannot change (other people, places, things, the fact that you are ill, etc.), change the things you can (your thoughts, your habits, your ways of getting your needs met), and learn to tell the difference, and just be patient. Even if you end up deciding you can't stay married to your husband, he's your co-parent and you'll have to have some kind of relationship with him.

Full disclosure: I'm not married or in a special love relationship now. I'm pretty sure neither of my exes would have been helpful after my diagnosis (though of course I'll never know for sure.) One thing I have learned since my second divorce almost ten years ago is I was putting all my eggs in one basket. Marriage is an important source of love, friendship, emotional support and stability, but it's not the only one. I have a lot of love in my life. I always did, but I was so focused on just one relationship that I didn't cultivate or appreciate the other loving, supportive relationships that I had.

If you can join a support group for breast cancer patients, I suggest you do that. A good group can help you process all the physical and emotional issues that you're facing.

['lizbeth]

I think you have a belief in your heart of how your family and friends will be - then reality hits and it is just not so.

My husband was supportive, then angry, supportive, then angry and resentful. It hurt to be going through what I felt could be the end of my life and not have the full love and support of the ones I needed the most showering upon me.

I was hurt, upset, angry, and devastated. I ended up doing almost everything: cooking, cleaning, etc.

Less than 1 week after my axillary node dissection I was in the kitchen cooking a full on Easter dinner. And it is true - if I was able to do that I must be okay, right?

What I have learned from my cancer experience is to ask for help. I was not able to do so at the time. I should have been in counseling with the right person. It would have made a tremendous difference.

[yanyan]

Focus on ur healing! Your young daughter needs you!!!

[kvogler]

Thanks for the support everyone. Since July I've handled the pshysical aspects of this disease fairly well. I underestimated how much this can mess your mind as well. Wasn't prepared for that. All my books focused on the body aspects and not the mind. I'm looking foward to my appointment to talk this junk out. I don't even know where I stand hormonally. That could be a component as well. I've been shot into this treatment-induced menopause so quickly that I don't even know my body anymore. I was the type to be weepy the week before my period but now I no longer have any kind of cycle to go by to predict my mood. Kept myself busy today and it was a better day. I'm seeking treatment out-of-state and talked with hubby on the phone. He doesn't show emotion much (I guess most men don't) but he kept trying to keep me on the phone for the longest time. I guess he's hurting too and this is something he can't "fix" for me. I might also be freaking out because a friend of mine passed from cancer at the age of 42 and left her 8 year-old behind right before I left to come up here for treatment. In my mind I know she had a different type of cancer and treatment than me but emotionally it scared me. I'll definately talk to the doctor about how we can keep the anxiety from poking its head so much. I'll just take it one day at a time. Thanks for putting up with my rantings. It helps to hear your stories and takes on the situation. It makes me feel less alone with this situation. I'm just a mental "hot mess" right now as my girlfriends would put it.

[starwishn2]

Everything everyone has written is excellent. In my situation my husband would not talk about how he was feeling (still doesn't) but I could see he was hurting. If friends or family asked him how he was doing he would said "fine, Jeri is the one that needs the support". I asked several male friends of ours to stop by and just visit with him and see how he was doing. I know most men won't talk about feelings but he seemed a little more at ease after talking with his friends. That might be a place to start with your husband.

I work in the social work field and am very "pro" therapy. I think it's great you will be speaking with a therapist. Hopefully your husband will want to join in those meetings soon. This is such a tough journey. You are in my thoughts.
Jeri

[sarah]

I'd ask your doctor about anti-depressants. I found I suffered severe mood swings and my tolerance level was low. I was impatient about petty stuff.
As a supporter in a cancer support group here, I have seen caregivers who were fantastic, others who were overwhelmed and some who couldn't handle it. We've found it most difficult to help male caregivers but had some success finding other male caregivers who were just willing to go out and do something with them - distract them.
As others have said, men want to fix stuff and when they can't, they are frightened.
Be patient, find out about anti-depressants and realize that everyone's world has been turned upside down but it will end and get better.
take care, watch some funny movies or sitcoms and laugh.
hugs and love
sarah