Do people write you off? - Page 2

Believe51 · 06-03-2009, 07:56 PM

Rendi, although we are not a substitute for our blood family and old friends, we will always be here to talk to. We are the eternal friends made during this journey, after and because of cancer. I know this does not stop the lonliness altogether, but I sure hope it brings atleast a little comfort.>>Believe51

BarbM · 06-03-2009, 08:02 PM

I was just thinking about this the other day.....I've decided that along with this diagnosis comes a new "ME" and a chance to start things fresh...and this can mean new friends, too....and stronger bonds with the ones still around. Our cancer world is not one that any of us would ever have chosen, but it's our world now....in spite of it all, it's not too bad. The people that surround me now are wonderful, kind, encouraging and loving....I thank God everyday for these people!

Jean · 06-03-2009, 09:01 PM

Yes, sad to say that some people will shock you with their behavior. I do think that these people who behave this way were always selfish or self absorbed, or weak, or whatever? but we did not notice it so much as we went along our merry way. But once we are dx. and begin the fight along our new journey we see people clearly. Maybe because we now seperate the nonsense and remove it from our life. We now know what is vital and really important. I truly feel sad for those that drop out of our lives at a time in our lives when it would have been just great to have the love and support from them...feel sorry for them for they are missing the best of us.

Julierene, I am sorry but your husband has the brain of a horses petunia.

Be assured your children know who their Mom is.
Sending you hugs,
Jean

hutchibk · 06-03-2009, 11:07 PM

I feel really fortunate that I have not experienced this... but, what I have experienced is something a little different. On occasion, family and friends have acted like I should have the same energy and stamina that they do. I have also been asked why I have become "lazy" - which I really think is unfair. An occasional friend or two have tried to lay guilt on me for not "being there as often or as readily" as I used to be - like I am somehow a deficient friend because I have to take time out for treatment or to recharge. To be fair, I don't feel like a "sick" person, and I don't let most friends see me when I am having a down day (I isolate when I need to recharge)... so they may not know the true reality of how my life has changed and how my overall stamina is not what it used to be. I know I present a pretty stoic front, but that's because I make sure I am socializing when I feel my best, so no-one is the wiser.

I am so sad that anyone has been made to feel written off by family or friends. It's shameful.

Savta · 06-04-2009, 12:47 AM

This thread has come to me at such an appropriate time! I have been battling a mini-depression (I hope) these last few weeks. I finished my year of Herceptin six weeks ago. And now I find myself battling with the questions "What do I do now?" I haven't gone back to work, because I still have numbness in my fingers and I'm afraid of dropping things. (I am a dental assistant).
I too have friends, who were so close with us, who have seemed to already write me off at the start. You know the type. They come to visit, but they have one eye on their watch and one on the door, for a quick escape. I haven't been angry with them--just sad, because I miss the good friendships we had. One couple in particular that we used to go out with often, and even vacation with--never called to suggest we get together. People just don't get it--that the nature of having cancer issolates us enough--we don't need more issolation!
Now, I find I don't leave the house at all(except for my regular walks) and generally no one comes and no one calls. T he wonderful people who stepped up while I was being treated now no longer come around because I'm "well" now. And my older friends have already written me off.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband and children and sibbilings who call often(we live thousands of miles from them).
But it's my everyday that I'm having trouble getting through.

hutchibk · 06-04-2009, 01:50 PM

Savta - I don't know where you live, but in my town, I found an amazing group of women (all ages) through the breast cancer resource center... we took it up a notch and created a fun and wonderful social group that get together often (twice a month for lunch and at least once every couple of months for an evening with the hubbies/partners/families). And in the past 4 years I have enjoyed new and wonderful friendships with women who know EXACTLY what it is like to live with cancer. We are there for each other and we are friends to each other. It is the true meaning of "support group"...

Bill · 06-04-2009, 02:43 PM

Rendi- like Marie said, we are not quite the same as blood family, but we will be there as much for you as we can. If you're ever lonely, and need a friend, come join us at the "campfire" one night. Brenda, Nikki and I saw the same thing from friends and some family members. They expected her, because she was so upbeat about everything, to always have a limit-less source of energy and be ready to run to the mall, park, etc. at the drop of a hat.

Ellie F · 06-05-2009, 02:40 AM

I think what you said Bill is right. If you try to be upbeat people seem to think it's a walk in the park! Only the people close that see you every day and know how hard a journey this cancer thing is really understand.
I felt so cross when I read that people had dared to suggest Brenda may be 'lazy' when she had battled so courageously this illness.I wanted to fly across the pond and shake them.
The thing that I find hard is when people look at me with pity.It is as if they don't think I am the same person as before.I guess it has to do with fear and the difficulty we all have in confronting our own mortality.
Ellie

hutchibk · 06-05-2009, 09:24 AM

Ellie - I agree about the pity. I don't like that either. I guess that is why I strive so hard to only socialize when I feel really good, so that no one is the wiser and I don't have to experience that. I have rid myself of those friends who I realized just weren't worth the energy... they just suck air out of the room and who needs that?

RobinP · 06-07-2009, 11:24 AM

Thanks for posting Julierene, as I think many of us have experienced some sort shocking awaking when friends and family desert us just because of a cancer diagnosis. I was applaud to find that some of my close relatives and christian friends let me down after my diagnosis by ignoring me and not returning the friendship we once had. It hurt and took a long time to get over. However, now I consider it all for my gain, as I think that my life is so much easier without toxic, unsupportive people in it. Now I have more room in my life for the people who really do care and support me.

Don't worry about the other woman either that your exhusband has now. Nobody will ever take your place and know that you are unique and special. Take care, Julierene ,and keep your pretty face and spirit up and smiling.

Jackie07 · 06-07-2009, 04:49 PM

Julierene,

There's a Chinese saying: "Even the most loyal son will not be present when one is ill for a long time." Most relations in our life are not trained medical professionals or counselors, it gets tough when our medical condition overwhelms them. And the natural repsonse based on 'animal instinct' is to 'flight' after 'fighting' for a while and couldn't see an end to it.

It hurts when a relationship breaks up - being a cancer patient or not. 'Living well' is always the best revenge.

Forgot to answer the question: Yes, I have been written off by many, many bosses and co-workers. I just switch my profession and start over (again and again...