Need some personal/family advice

rosie · 10-05-2006, 04:35 AM

Hi everyone. I could use an objective view here. I am about to attend a big family get together. Some of the guests attending will be a family ( not directly related to me ) who have been unkind to me and my children these last few years. For example, when we were invited to their holiday get together and gift exchange I bought gifts for them and their children while they deliberately excluded us and my children and no other guests were excluded. I don't care about me but my younger son was very sad and as children are so honest, he came right out and asked why they did this to him. He was the only child at the party treated this way.
Then they asked me to send them copies of pictures of their family taken by a photographer at a party we had to which they were invited. At great expense, I paid for a bunch of these professional pictures, sent them and never heard even a word of thanks. She has done many other things that for time and space I won't include.
I am very angry and feel like confronting the mother who bears the most responsibility for this and the other things she has done. I am not doing great and don't believe time is on my side here. I want to be perfectly clear and tell her that since she has not been here during my life, has never called or offered help while I am alive, I don't want her showing up "grieving" at my funeral. Do you think I should be more forgiving or given the fact that it's my life and my death, I have a right to confront her?
I wish I could say I am going to be the bigger person here, but I feel like I have done that these last few years and enough is enough. I know her presence at my funeral would be very upsetting to my husband and I feel like his comfort is more important than her making an appearance.

Help! I am torn!

Thanks for your wise words of wisdom,
Rosie

Sheila · 10-05-2006, 04:52 AM

Rosie
There are many uncaring and unsensitive people in this world...they are all about themselves with no regards to other people in this world....to single out a child is terrible...I feel for your son. You must do whats best for you and your family...in the end, your goodness and caring is what will be remembered, I always go by the old saying "do unto others the way you would want others to do unto you." You can't fail in this concept. You will be the one that shows your goodness to others. I would express to this person how they have made you feel....maybe they are to into themselves to even know how they hurt. As for your own peace of mind, keep on being the better person....it is not in you to be bitter.....and you have the right considering the circumstances you are in....but in the end, its your actions that will be remembered!

Sherryg683 · 10-05-2006, 05:42 AM

I agree with Shelia, be better than her. Bitterness and anger will only hurt you. I agree that it is awful what she did. There are a lot of people in the world like that but in time, they will have to answer for their deeds. I would just tell her how I feel, (I don't think I'd even mention my funeral) and then put it behind you. If she causes you too much stress, remove her from your life...sherryg683

Tom · 10-05-2006, 07:51 AM

Dear Rosie,

There was a time in my life that I would have immediately begun plotting my revenge against which ever thoughtless Cretin had trampled all over me or someone I loved. The problem is that it takes far more energy (negative) to hate someone than it does to ignore them. I was forced to start letting go of such feelings when my Dad was terminally ill years ago. It was a great wakeup call. I saw, as I realized how little time I had left with him, that most of what transpires anywhere in the world in the course of one day is meaningless and inconsequential. Loving your family, friends, and God are what counts.

If I were you, I would simply let my wishes with respect to any funeral arrangements or guest, be known to my immediate family. If you want to make your point to the offending family in a memorable way, leave a small card or note to them to be delivered after your passing. The message might read something like this:

Dear (fill in name of Cretin),

I just wanted to comfort you at this time, and dissolve any guilt you might feel over the insensitve way in which you treated my family, by letting you know that I have forgiven you. We are all on God's Earth for a short time, and should try to be as loving and compassionate as He would be. I am sorry that you did not find my loved ones worthy for whatever reason, but I am sure that they too will forgive you. Most importantly of all, I am assured that God has forgiven you.

I promise you your gesture of thoughfulness will not go unremembered. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things in the universe. It is also what God wants and expects from you. I certainly don't need to remind you that Christ asked forgiveness for those that pierced his body with spears as He hung on the cross. It doesn't get any better than that.

So spend every moment you have left on this earth, however long that might be, loving your family and your God. They will never disappoint you.

Sincerely,
Tom

mts · 10-05-2006, 08:01 AM

I agree with all the other posts with one thing to add...

You might want to also leave her a book: "Leticia Baldridge's Guide to Good Manners".
'nuff said.

Maria (MTS)

al from Canada · 10-05-2006, 08:18 AM

Well said Tom...........

StephN · 10-05-2006, 10:41 AM

Dear Rosie -
I love that name - there is a very sweet cat in my family by that name. She is mostly white - so I don't know why that name ...

When we are tired and beaten down by this disease it IS hard to endure such slaps and ignorant treatment as your relative has forced on you.

Tom's idea of the message is great - but you may live a long time with all the drugs we have now. If you have been silently enduring, then it may be time to mention something if you and/or your kids are ill-treated by this person again. (I would not offer to do her any more favors, either, if it adds to your stress over this situation.)
But, something along the lines of the "You are not being kind doing this, but I see that and forgive you" that has been suggested.

I agree with Sherry not to mention your funeral, this seems to be what she wants to hear. Just try to ignore her as best you can since it is a group setting. If she is used to getting attention, ignoring her WILL get her attention.

Try not to stress over this gathering - don't let one selfish person ruin your day and the days leading up to it.

rosie · 10-05-2006, 10:59 AM

All GREAT advice. Thank you everyone. After a sleepless night I came to pretty much the same conclusion. I can only tell her how her actions made me feel and I don't have to be a jerk and do it in a mean way to feel better. I can simply state fact and how it made me feel. And I think you are all right, not to mention the funeral. My husband will have to deal with that.

But at least I can gracefully say what's on my mind and then move on so that's what I will try to do. GULP. I will keep you posted if I can muster up the courage.

Thanks for listening and really for great, sound advice.
You guys are so wonderful and I am blessed to be a part of this wonderful list.

Rosie